Sending money in bereavement card

[kid-at-heart]

Our extended family always tucks a little money in with their bereavement card, usually $5-$25 (more if the family can afford it, less if they cannot) (cash or check depending on if it is being mailed or handed to the person). There are so many unexpected expenses that pop up after one dies and sending a little money is a way to decrease the finanical stress of the family. My question is, is this a cultural thing specific to my European family or do other folks do this also? I am sending a card to a non-family elderly friend who has requested no flowers nor has she listed any charities to which to donate. Would she think I am being tacky if I enclose a check and ask her to put it towards whatever she needs or a charity of her choice?

Thanks

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

We do this at the wake - typically there are little envelopes by the sign in register - we drop cash/check in there - and drop envelope in a wooden box.
Funerals are expensive. I am 49 and have been gifting cash at funerals my entire life.

 

[kymom99]

I think it's fine

 

[fifthdimensiondweller]

When my father died (we live in the states) lots of people gave my mom and I money to help with his end of life expenses, even though we listed a charity. My mom usually does the same for others. Didn't seem unusual to us at all, but wasn't expected either.

 

[verleniahall]

Usually, you can give money through the funeral home.

Sometimes, you can do a memorial in honor of the person - like a DEAR friend of mine passed away, and she LOVED to read - I donated $50 in books to our local library - they have special stickers that go in the front of the books that say somthing like "This Book was Purchased for the Marion Library in Memory of XXXXXXXX" - or like my grandpa LOVED to fish - we laugh that he fished out Marion Co Lake, so we donate to Chickide Checkoff each year and it helps restock fish in lakes across KS or you can specifiy the lake you want it to go to, etc...

 

[dprincessmom]

I live in the South and honestly never encountered this until close friends from up North slipped money into their sympathy card when my husband passed. We were inundated with food and "help" (cleaning, helping take down decorations, yard work etc). Not certain if this is a regional thing or not, but from someone on the receiving end at a time like that any kindness (especially one that you don't have to think about) is appreciated.

 

[AnnaS]

There are many that give money here for various reasons. Not just for hardship. Help with funeral expenses. Food during the whole funeral/wake and after, in leu of flowers for whatever reason. Many Catholics (for us anyway), we will buy mass intentions at the church. You pick a date for a mass and their name is read as an anniversary or memorial. It's pretty common here.

 

[HopperFan]

Very interesting. From north live in south. When my father died (I was in high school) to my knowledge no one gave money but we did get about 25 hams. It was decades before I ate ham again. Had they existed I am sure my mother would have appreciated a gift card to the grocery or a restaurant to take us out since money was very tight. Not sure how she would have felt about cash ...

 

[TwoMisfits]

I buy Mass Intentions (and enclose in the card) and normally send a take out restaurant gift card and/or a meal (I do both for close family and friends). I never send flowers, since that seems to always be fully covered.

 

[Micca]

Don't recall ever receiving money in a card. A gift card might be nice if there's doubt--maybe to a nearby supermarket?

 

[afan]

I've never been in the place to send money but have received it when my dad passed. It was nice since my stepdad had passed two weeks prior and we had to travel for my dad's funeral. My mom also got some money and we got a gift basket with food and a couple of plants.

I like plants because they don't die like flowers. I was in charge of sending something at a previous job when a coworkers family member passed and with our $50 budget the florist recommended a plant the first time. You can get a nicer plant for than flowers and people appreciate them more from my experience.

 

[loves to dive]

Never heard of it, from Georgia. We give food, lots and lots of food. Frankly, if someone had given me money when my parents died I might have been offended. We asked for in lieu of flowers to donate to a charity of their choice.

 

[MKCP5]

Wow Never heard of that. Lovely thought though

 

[kymom99]

My close friends collected money when my dad died and asked what we needed. I asked them to pick up drinks for the luncheon after the burial. They brought us cases of drinks and handed me an envelope with $40 that was left. They told me to do what I wanted with it. In the evening after the visitation my family came to my moms and we ordered pizza with the money. It was much appreciated.

 

[arminnie]

About 30 years ago I received a phone call from the widow of a man I'd worked with. When I asked her what charity I could donate to she blurted out "We need money". She was horrified that she'd said that. But I took it to heart.

I realized that so many people dealing with a death (especially an unexpected one) needed financial help much more than flowers. I'd been so ignorant before that.

 

[Lvsdisney]

I have never heard of this practice but I don't find anything offensive about it. You could always include a note explaining the $$ but I think it's thoughtful

 

[MommaBerd]

I, too, am from the South and never knew this was a practice. However, many years ago a co-worker died very suddenly and left behind a wife and two or three YOUNG children. I decided to send money - "designated" (and I use that term loosely) for kids' college funds. It felt really awkward sending money, and I am not sure how it was received. But, it was a spontaneous gesture. I've thought about it off and on over the years, and honestly am kind of relieved to know it is an accepted thing in other parts.

ETA: However - you will NOT go hungry after a funeral in the South!!! This picture was after my Grandmother's funeral a week ago...and there was an entire table of desserts and cakes too! Gotta love the sweet church ladies!

 

[fifthdimensiondweller]

About 30 years ago I received a phone call from the widow of a man I'd worked with. When I asked her what charity I could donate to she blurted out "We need money". She was horrified that she'd said that. But I took it to heart.

I realized that so many people dealing with a death (especially an unexpected one) needed financial help much more than flowers. I'd been so ignorant before that.

This is very sad but also a very important story. I think people are embarrassed to say they need money a lot of the time : (. I know my dad died when I was in my late teens. My parents had excellent insurance and plenty of savings, and it STILL hit us so hard financially. I can't imagine the position my mom was in- a daughter in her second year of college, medical expenses, travel expenses from taking my dad to his treatments, all the regular expenses from day to day life, plus funeral costs, all while losing my dad's income. I can't even begin to think of how hard it would be for a family with less than stellar insurance and less in savings. Breaks my heart to think about it! I think giving money is an excellent way to help the family, but I also like what others have suggested of perhaps a grocery store gift card or a gas card.

 

[Southernmiss]

Very interesting. From north live in south. When my father died (I was in high school) to my knowledge no one gave money but we did get about 25 hams. It was decades before I ate ham again. Had they existed I am sure my mother would have appreciated a gift card to the grocery or a restaurant to take us out since money was very tight. Not sure how she would have felt about cash ...

From the South.

My dad died at age 38 unexpectedly in 1985 when I was a senior in high school. I had 3 younger siblings and mom was a stay at home mom. They managed on dad's income by thrift.

I vividly remember the neighbors coming over with a fat envelope of about $600 that all the neighbors contributed to. The next door neighbor had given much of his recent over time check to my mom.

Mom broke down in tears and said she couldn't accept it. The neighbors insisted and said 'You can't eat flowers.' Such good, caring folks.

Money is not commonly directly given here, but if you know the family needs it, I would send it.

There are indeed so many unexpected things that come up at the time of death.

 

[Eureka]

Wow Never heard of that. Lovely thought though

I haven't either, and I grew up in New England and now live in the Mid-Atlantic. I think if I received a card like that with cash, I'd be a little confused/it would be awkward but maybe that's just because I'd never heard of it. But the thought is nice.