Secret Santa Etiquette

[havaneselover]

I think I'm going to email the coach (still thinking about this), explain what happened and that I realize it's probably pretty unusual but it was pretty crappy for both girls. I may suggest they consider an opt out next year.

 

[shoney]

that really stinks. If they didn't want to participate, they should have said something.

Years ago when my son took karate, they had a secret santa type thing. The kids were mostly 6 to 12. The limit was $5. Well, a few of the parents decided to spend a lot more. All the kids were jealous of the ones that got the "good" gifts! I remember a robotic remote dinosaur was big that year and one of the kids got a one! Really, people. I realize they were trying to be nice, but it really only caused problems.

I would drop an email to the coach as well.

Oh, the holiday season.....LOL

 

[msjprincess]

It's pretty simple to me. If you don't buy a gift you don't receive one and they simply pair the kids with different partners. This was handled very poorly.

MTE

If the other girl did receive a gift she should have given it to the OP's daughter.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I would definitely send an email to the coach.

 

[luvsJack]

I much prefer the "everyone brings a gift" and then they choose a gift by number or something. Don't bring a gift, don't get one.

I helped out in a class party one year where a little boy got a pair of socks. As in they bought a big pack and wrapped one pair. I felt so bad for him. So after that I always took some extra gifts for cases like that or when someone just didn't bring one.

 

[elphaba91]

One year in a class Secret Santa I got the girl who had been bullying me. I still bought her a really nice present. I think we had to spend around $15. It turned out that she had picked me too...she gave me a bag of off brand corn chips that she said her mother had bought but she thought they were gross.

 

[ronandannette]

MTE

If the other girl did receive a gift she should have given it to the OP's daughter.

This is a good solution but given the ages of the girls, who maybe have never been involved in anything like this before, it's unlikely that it occurred to them. It also doesn't sound as if the coach was managing this process very closely; OP - I'd definitely talk to him (or e-mail like you mentioned) about scrapping this whole thing for next year.

 

[mom2grace]

She made her a poster before their meet last weekend, gave her a candy cane, some lollipops, and a cute pair of Christmas socks. DD did tell me one boy had gotten nothing after two weeks. Luckily they're not little kids so they get over it.

I commend the girl for putting forth the effort when obviously her mother was having nothing to do with it. I tend to focus on the positive.

 

[Dawnlight]

That stinks. There was a similar gift-giving plan, for the 8 nights of Hanukkah, at our kids' former private school. Here I was, mom of 6, buying 8 nights of gifts for all 6 kids' gift recipients, but my kids got very little in return because so-and-so forgot, or whatever excuse of the day was. Yeah, I get the idea that it's about the giving and not the receiving, but holy heck, if you commit then do it and don't leave other kids without.

Similar happened this year with one son. He and another Jewish friend committed to getting a small candy treat for one another. Son pesters me to remember to get a particular candy friend likes, I do it, son gives it, son gets nothing in return because, as his friend says, "My mom doesn't want to buy it." Ugh, all of about $2-3 dollars worth of a candy treat.

Bah Humbug.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

One year in a class Secret Santa I got the girl who had been bullying me. I still bought her a really nice present. I think we had to spend around $15. It turned out that she had picked me too...she gave me a bag of off brand corn chips that she said her mother had bought but she thought they were gross.

I had something similar happen in grade school. I got the person I drew a nice gift even though I didn't like that person all that much. Some thoughtless kid drew me. I ended up with a dollar wadded up in leftover aluminum foil. Oh well. What goes around comes around. I still have loads of fun come Christmas time and that kid ended up one that is miserable around Christmas time.

 

[jen0610]

One year in a class Secret Santa I got the girl who had been bullying me. I still bought her a really nice present. I think we had to spend around $15. It turned out that she had picked me too...she gave me a bag of off brand corn chips that she said her mother had bought but she thought they were gross.

Ugh, you gotta hate when parents aren't smart enough or engaged enough to teach the kids how to act.

The dance team at high school does a secret santa. Yea for them, they do have an opt out option. DD found out Monday, that the girl she got was actually selected earlier by an different team member but because the first team member didn't want a freshman, let alone one she doesn't like, as a caption she got to redraw a name. Nice way for a "leader" to act.

Now, DD has been doing secret santa/pal for years at her dance studio with the competitive team, so she was taught long ago by us, that if you choose to be in the pool, you get who you get. It may not be someone you know very well or particularly like, but you will treat them as you want to be treated. You will go by what ever the guidelines are for the gift exchange. If it's someone you don't know well, you will by the end of the competition season know them better and have made a new friend, hopefully. And if it's someone you don't care for, either you option will change or you will learn a life lesson on how to deal with someone you don't care for in a positive way.

 

[lovin'fl]

OP, we had a similar. My twin DDs are on a travel softball team that does secret santa every Christmas (this year was our 4th year doing it). It's a $25 gift and the girls all list out items or things they like. That is $50 I have to spend on top of the $20 we contribute to the coach gifts and then we bring food to the party (for years I was bringing the $60 Chick Fil A tray while so-and-so brought chips and so-and-so brought brownies, but that's a whole other thread). Recently the coach added a 17th player whom nobody has ever met. She lives far away and can't make practices (we now have 3 such players on the team). She was added about 2 weeks before the Christmas party. For some reason they included her in the secret santa and she didn't show up to the party...and she had one of my DDs. My DDs brought their 2 gifts, that I actually went overboard and spent a bit more then $25 on. 2 of the 3 girls who live far away didn't show to the party so one of my DDs and another girl didn't get a gift but we had a practice the next day and the other girl's secret santa showed up to that to bring her secret santa gift. But I hear this new girl won't be around until the spring tourneys. Now my DD is the only one who didn't get a gift. Why they (the coach or team mom) didn't give her the gift that was bought for the new girl, I don't know. My DD was disappointed because she was excited to see what her secret santa chose to get her. We won't participate next year.

 

[Kae]

My friends daughter is a senior and one of the captains she suggested that the team adopt a family or do a service project instead of Secret Santa. And the coach laughed at her. And stated that Secret Santa builds more team spirit. Of course the coach doesn't do the Secret Santa stuff themselves.

 

[havaneselover]

So I emailed the coach explaining the situation and suggesting he consider an opt out. He emailed me right back, was very apologetic and said they had done that in the past and would have to do it again. I made it clear that dd really was okay but she more felt bad for the other girl (my other child would have had a chip on his shoulder for years over something like this).

The more I think about it the more I don't get why the mom didn't just shift a few of the small gifts to yesterday and put them in a gift bag with some candy.

And I was nosy (sometimes I can't help myself) and googled the parents and based on who the dad works for and his title, he makes over $250,000.

 

[havaneselover]

My friends daughter is a senior and one of the captains she suggested that the team adopt a family or do a service project instead of Secret Santa. And the coach laughed at her. And stated that Secret Santa builds more team spirit. Of course the coach doesn't do the Secret Santa stuff themselves.

We actually do both. All of the teams adopt a family and most swim families contribute. The coach told all the kids about the family they were supporting last night which really spoke to dd. And maybe helped her put things in perspective.

 

[Miskey]

One year in a class Secret Santa I got the girl who had been bullying me. I still bought her a really nice present. I think we had to spend around $15. It turned out that she had picked me too...she gave me a bag of off brand corn chips that she said her mother had bought but she thought they were gross.

This made me laugh. Aren't' you glad you took the high road? The view is always so much better! Wonder whatever happen to this little gem of a sweetheart.

 

[Allons-y!]

So I emailed the coach explaining the situation and suggesting he consider an opt out. He emailed me right back, was very apologetic and said they had done that in the past and would have to do it again. I made it clear that dd really was okay but she more felt bad for the other girl (my other child would have had a chip on his shoulder for years over something like this).

The more I think about it the more I don't get why the mom didn't just shift a few of the small gifts to yesterday and put them in a gift bag with some candy.

And I was nosy (sometimes I can't help myself) and googled the parents and based on who the dad works for and his title, he makes over $250,000.

You know, I was so impressed with how you and your daughter are handling this. And, lacking any other information, I'm still impressed by your daughter. You lost me with your last sentence, though. Seriously, there are some things you just shouldn't admit to.

 

[havaneselover]

You know, I was so impressed with how you and your daughter are handling this. And, lacking any other information, I'm still impressed by your daughter. You lost me with your last sentence, though. Seriously, there are some things you just shouldn't admit to.

I'm analytical and like information and have zero problem admitting it. But thank you for the compliment about my daughter. I am very impressed with her maturity and am a lucky mom

 

[elphaba91]

This made me laugh. Aren't' you glad you took the high road? The view is always so much better! Wonder whatever happen to this little gem of a sweetheart.

It's just such a random bad gift isn't it?! I don't think I was even that upset by it because it was just so odd! I don't think I interacted with her at all after that (Christmas is also the end of the school year here), but I know she ended up dropping out of school in year 12.