SEC CHIEF ASKS CONGRESS FOR A DATE WITH JENNIFER LOPEZ
Lawmakers Unlikely to Grant 'Delusional' Request
Securities and Exchange Commission chairman Harvey Pitt, widely ridiculed for his recent request of a pay raise and elevation to a Cabinet-level position, has issued a new demand to Congress, this time asking for a date with actress/singer Jennifer Lopez.
Lawmakers on the Hill immediately called the SEC bosss request delusional, indicating that it faced serious hurdles in both the House and the Senate.
Given Mr. Pitts failure to stem the tide of corporate accounting scandals, it seems highly unlikely that we would agree to arrange a date for him with Ms. Lopez, said Democratic leader Tom Daschle. And anyway, didnt she hook up with Ben Affleck?
Ms. Lopez, in an official statement released later today, also seemed to pour cold water on Mr. Pitts request for a date with the bootylicious diva.
Ms. Lopez has no interest in dating any government officials who are not at a Cabinet level or higher, the brief statement read.
For his part, Mr. Pitt seemed undaunted in his relentless quest for perks, asking Congress for a private plane and a Mercedes Benz for every member of his posse, according to a member of his posse.
In other Congressional news, embattled Congressman Gary A. Condit (D-CA) explained his recent vote against the expulsion of Representative James Traficant (D-OH), the only vote in an otherwise unanimous decision to expel the Ohio lawmaker.
As long as Traficant was still around, people couldnt say I was the biggest scumbag in the House, Mr. Condit told reporters.
****Borowitz Reports****
Lawmakers Unlikely to Grant 'Delusional' Request
Securities and Exchange Commission chairman Harvey Pitt, widely ridiculed for his recent request of a pay raise and elevation to a Cabinet-level position, has issued a new demand to Congress, this time asking for a date with actress/singer Jennifer Lopez.
Lawmakers on the Hill immediately called the SEC bosss request delusional, indicating that it faced serious hurdles in both the House and the Senate.
Given Mr. Pitts failure to stem the tide of corporate accounting scandals, it seems highly unlikely that we would agree to arrange a date for him with Ms. Lopez, said Democratic leader Tom Daschle. And anyway, didnt she hook up with Ben Affleck?
Ms. Lopez, in an official statement released later today, also seemed to pour cold water on Mr. Pitts request for a date with the bootylicious diva.
Ms. Lopez has no interest in dating any government officials who are not at a Cabinet level or higher, the brief statement read.
For his part, Mr. Pitt seemed undaunted in his relentless quest for perks, asking Congress for a private plane and a Mercedes Benz for every member of his posse, according to a member of his posse.
In other Congressional news, embattled Congressman Gary A. Condit (D-CA) explained his recent vote against the expulsion of Representative James Traficant (D-OH), the only vote in an otherwise unanimous decision to expel the Ohio lawmaker.
As long as Traficant was still around, people couldnt say I was the biggest scumbag in the House, Mr. Condit told reporters.
****Borowitz Reports****
