Scotland or Not (long)

[ronandannette]

My mom is elderly and cannot walk long distances or with any speed. Going to Scotland is the last location on her bucket list. She is taking all 5 grandkids to Scotland next summer on a 6 day 7 night bus tour and says this is her last vacation. DH and I are the parents to 3 of the grandkids, and as they are working adults she in only paying half of their airfare. She invited the 5 parents to come also, but we have to cover our whole airfare and meals that are not part of the tour (6 lunches and 3 dinners).

DH and I were the last to be invited. She threw the caveat out that we (our family of 5) could wander over to London for a few days afterwards with my brother, his wife, his son, and my sister’s nephew. She knows a stop in London (and potentially Wimbledon) would be the only thing that might make me want to attend, but that would be on our dime.

Our expenses for this trip will range anywhere from a min of 4k (if we just do the Scotland portion) to at least 7k if we add on 4 days in London. I just checked dates, and Wimbledon is a week earlier than normal next year and it won’t work. My favorite street shopping in London is a little market set up in Picadilly on Wednesday thru Friday. Our time in London would be Saturday thru Tuesday.

Between last year and this year we have had almost $100k in unplanned expenses and my car is 12 years old and will need to be replaced sooner rather than later. We had the money in savings to pay cash for the expenses and I am trying to save up enough to put at least $20k down on a new car without using any of our emergency savings. We have to buy a decent sized SUV as we need to be able to haul our jet skis and boat on occasion as well as get up and down the steep hill at our lake house. Yes, I know that is a first world problem, but the lake house is our happy place.

For 2023 we decided to only go on one vacation to save money. It was planned to be Disney as we have DVC points, annual passes we already paid for but haven’t activated, and enough frequent flier miles to cover airfare to Florida, but not Europe.

I really do not want to go to Scotland. I don’t want to ride around on a bus, constantly change hotels, and don’t care to see multiple castles, lochs, and churches. Looking at pretty scenery holds zero interest for me. I also do not want to spend that much money on a vacation I have not desire to do. I also do not want to give up 10 days of prime time at our lake house for something that does not interest me. My husband said if we are going to spend the money he would rather put our annual ski trip back on the calendar, but if I want to go he will go with me.

My mom told me to do what I want, but I don’t want her to hold it against me that I missed her last vacation. I went with her to London and Paris in 2019 because she wanted to see Christmas lights and guilted me into going. It was miserable, I just don’t think I have it in me to go thru that again. I like active vacations and running around and doing things at a fast pace and adjusting on the fly. She is older and likes to be driven around and look at things.

Am I a terrible daughter if I don’t go? Has anyone been to Scotland and enjoyed it? What did you enjoy and why? Is it worth $3k per person for a tour?

Based on what you said in the bolded sentences, it doesn't seem like your Mom's happiness depends on you or any of your siblings going. It almost seems to me (and forgive me if I'm off-base) that she may have even just asked to prevent you all from feeling left out. If that's the case, IMO you're completely off the hook to any obligation and she may actually be relieved to hear you say no.

 

[TLSnell1981]

We traveled a lot with my MIL and always paid our own way. Our last vacation with her was challenging...mobility issues, dementia and a hospital visit. She passed away a few years ago. I am so happy we had that special time with her. The memories are priceless.

 

[Skywalker]

My mom is elderly and cannot walk long distances or with any speed. Going to Scotland is the last location on her bucket list. She is taking all 5 grandkids to Scotland next summer on a 6 day 7 night bus tour and says this is her last vacation. DH and I are the parents to 3 of the grandkids, and as they are working adults she in only paying half of their airfare. She invited the 5 parents to come also, but we have to cover our whole airfare and meals that are not part of the tour (6 lunches and 3 dinners).

DH and I were the last to be invited. She threw the caveat out that we (our family of 5) could wander over to London for a few days afterwards with my brother, his wife, his son, and my sister’s nephew. She knows a stop in London (and potentially Wimbledon) would be the only thing that might make me want to attend, but that would be on our dime.

Our expenses for this trip will range anywhere from a min of 4k (if we just do the Scotland portion) to at least 7k if we add on 4 days in London. I just checked dates, and Wimbledon is a week earlier than normal next year and it won’t work. My favorite street shopping in London is a little market set up in Picadilly on Wednesday thru Friday. Our time in London would be Saturday thru Tuesday.

Between last year and this year we have had almost $100k in unplanned expenses and my car is 12 years old and will need to be replaced sooner rather than later. We had the money in savings to pay cash for the expenses and I am trying to save up enough to put at least $20k down on a new car without using any of our emergency savings. We have to buy a decent sized SUV as we need to be able to haul our jet skis and boat on occasion as well as get up and down the steep hill at our lake house. Yes, I know that is a first world problem, but the lake house is our happy place.

For 2023 we decided to only go on one vacation to save money. It was planned to be Disney as we have DVC points, annual passes we already paid for but haven’t activated, and enough frequent flier miles to cover airfare to Florida, but not Europe.

I really do not want to go to Scotland. I don’t want to ride around on a bus, constantly change hotels, and don’t care to see multiple castles, lochs, and churches. Looking at pretty scenery holds zero interest for me. I also do not want to spend that much money on a vacation I have not desire to do. I also do not want to give up 10 days of prime time at our lake house for something that does not interest me. My husband said if we are going to spend the money he would rather put our annual ski trip back on the calendar, but if I want to go he will go with me.

My mom told me to do what I want, but I don’t want her to hold it against me that I missed her last vacation. I went with her to London and Paris in 2019 because she wanted to see Christmas lights and guilted me into going. It was miserable, I just don’t think I have it in me to go thru that again. I like active vacations and running around and doing things at a fast pace and adjusting on the fly. She is older and likes to be driven around and look at things.

Am I a terrible daughter if I don’t go? Has anyone been to Scotland and enjoyed it? What did you enjoy and why? Is it worth $3k per person for a tour?

You don't have the time, money, or interest in going on this trip. And its not like your mom has to navigate it on her own, there is already a good group going. You said your mom guilt-ed you into going on the 2019 trip but it doesn't even sound like she is doing that this time - mom has said to do what you want. I mean just don't go, let the group have a blast without your bringing a martyr vibe along.

 

[allison443]

This is just my opinion, but I would go, if just for the chance of vacationing with my adult children. It has become more difficult for all of us to travel together now that they are on their own with jobs, partners, in-laws etc. and I would be happy to take a trip with them (and also my mom). If the money is truly a concern, I would go by myself and leave DH home.
Of course your decision is going to be based on your own personal family dynamics/relationships and you know what is the best decision for you.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Scotland is a bucket list trip for us. My DH and kids have roots there. Saving it for retirement when we can take our time and go on a longer trip than we can while working. We brought my mother on her first WDW trip at age 92, and her second at 93. We’d invited her along on all of our trips (when she was still completely mobile and independent) but she never wanted to go. The last two were out of necessity because we couldn’t leave her alone anymore. Trips weren’t exactly easy; in fact, at times they were pretty difficult. But looking back we’re glad we got to do it and have those memories. As hard as it was at times, there were also a lot of good and special moments - wheelchair, walker and all. That said, I don’t think you should go on this particular trip unless you really want to go. It sounds like they’ll have a good time and that your mother is still mobile enough to do things with minimal assistance, which is a beautiful thing. Let them enjoy it together on their own, they’ll be fine, and as a pp mentioned, it will be a special time between them with memories and photos that last a lifetime.

 

[Imzadi]

She is taking all 5 grandkids to Scotland next summer on a 6 day 7 night bus tour and says this is her last vacation.

we have to cover our whole airfare and meals that are not part of the tour (6 lunches and 3 dinners).
She knows a stop in London (and potentially Wimbledon) would be the only thing that might make me want to attend, but that would be on our dime.

I just checked dates, and Wimbledon is a week earlier than normal next year and it won’t work.

Here's a suggestion for an alternate solution. Do NOT do the tour. Just go to Scotland for 2-3 days, meeting up with the family at the same destinations the they will be at those days via the tour. It's not like they are going to any private sites. And if there are, skip those and you and DH can do something you'd prefer instead. Since lunches & dinner are not included, then you all can also meet for those together.

Then head down to Wimbledon for the 2-3 days you want. Spend half the money and half the time for the whole trip. Satisfy your mom's literal and figurative guilt trip, while maintaining a budget you can allot to this "vacation."

 

[Imzadi]

Of course you're not a terrible daughter. You know objectively that this is not about how good a daughter you are. The point is, is your mother the type to spend the rest of her life guilting you or are you the type to feel guilty because that's they way you are about saying no to people?

I agree. It doesn't sound like you really want to go or to spend the money if your mom hadn't announced this was her "LAST TRIP" and guilted you. Is she the type to continue guilting you long after you don't go? And is it worth $7K of your OWN money, time and your own feelings appeasing her to keep the peace? Only you can answer that question. There's no right or wrong answer. It's your family dynamic and relationship with your mom.

 

[bookgirl]

I loved my trip to Edinburgh but I didn't do a bus tour. I took my senior parents along and the walking was hard on them but I had curated the trip to minimize their walking and to be pretty location specific to a central location and then we did small day trips out. What if you pick a spot on that tour to meet up with her and go on your own. That way you don't miss the entire trip and you still have a memory. It would cost less, the compromise might appease her and if your kids want to do more as adults they can make that decision.

 

[lovesmurfs]

First of all, my husband and I loved Scotland. It was our first "empty-nester" vacation when my daughter left for college. However, I planned our itinerary using Trip Advisor forums. I can't imagine doing Scotland by bus -- we did do a day trip to the Isle of Skye. I'd absolutely do the whole trip again -- we rented a car and were much more independent. Stayed in a small B&B/hotel south of Inverness for 1/2 of the trip and planned day trips around it.

If you don't want to go, don't. She'll feel any irritation you have during the trip if you do decide to go, and that additional stress would be worse than saying thanks, we can't wait to see the pictures and hear all about it when you get back.