Scotland or Not (long)

[Disneybuckeye]

My mom is elderly and cannot walk long distances or with any speed. Going to Scotland is the last location on her bucket list. She is taking all 5 grandkids to Scotland next summer on a 6 day 7 night bus tour and says this is her last vacation. DH and I are the parents to 3 of the grandkids, and as they are working adults she in only paying half of their airfare. She invited the 5 parents to come also, but we have to cover our whole airfare and meals that are not part of the tour (6 lunches and 3 dinners).

DH and I were the last to be invited. She threw the caveat out that we (our family of 5) could wander over to London for a few days afterwards with my brother, his wife, his son, and my sister’s nephew. She knows a stop in London (and potentially Wimbledon) would be the only thing that might make me want to attend, but that would be on our dime.

Our expenses for this trip will range anywhere from a min of 4k (if we just do the Scotland portion) to at least 7k if we add on 4 days in London. I just checked dates, and Wimbledon is a week earlier than normal next year and it won’t work. My favorite street shopping in London is a little market set up in Picadilly on Wednesday thru Friday. Our time in London would be Saturday thru Tuesday.

Between last year and this year we have had almost $100k in unplanned expenses and my car is 12 years old and will need to be replaced sooner rather than later. We had the money in savings to pay cash for the expenses and I am trying to save up enough to put at least $20k down on a new car without using any of our emergency savings. We have to buy a decent sized SUV as we need to be able to haul our jet skis and boat on occasion as well as get up and down the steep hill at our lake house. Yes, I know that is a first world problem, but the lake house is our happy place.

For 2023 we decided to only go on one vacation to save money. It was planned to be Disney as we have DVC points, annual passes we already paid for but haven’t activated, and enough frequent flier miles to cover airfare to Florida, but not Europe.

I really do not want to go to Scotland. I don’t want to ride around on a bus, constantly change hotels, and don’t care to see multiple castles, lochs, and churches. Looking at pretty scenery holds zero interest for me. I also do not want to spend that much money on a vacation I have not desire to do. I also do not want to give up 10 days of prime time at our lake house for something that does not interest me. My husband said if we are going to spend the money he would rather put our annual ski trip back on the calendar, but if I want to go he will go with me.

My mom told me to do what I want, but I don’t want her to hold it against me that I missed her last vacation. I went with her to London and Paris in 2019 because she wanted to see Christmas lights and guilted me into going. It was miserable, I just don’t think I have it in me to go thru that again. I like active vacations and running around and doing things at a fast pace and adjusting on the fly. She is older and likes to be driven around and look at things.

Am I a terrible daughter if I don’t go? Has anyone been to Scotland and enjoyed it? What did you enjoy and why? Is it worth $3k per person for a tour?

 

[SteveH]

The Dave Ramsey in me says you are not in a good financial position to be dropping $4-7,000 on this trip. This is her bucket list, not yours, she's added several speed bumps it sounds like so I'd be inclined to take the off-ramp and wish her well on her self-imposed "last vacation." Everyone has their own priorities, but when the other persons priority costs you money then I think it's perfectly okay to gracefully bow out. I assume your kids all want to go and have their portion of the airfair and are not relying on you to be the bank of mom & dad?

 

[Christine]

Of course you're not a terrible daughter. You know objectively that this is not about how good a daughter you are. The point is, is your mother the type to spend the rest of her life guilting you or are you the type to feel guilty because that's they way you are about saying no to people?

Honestly it doesn't sound like my kind of trip either. I'll do stuff I don't like if it's no big deal, but this is a LOT of money. Sure, you seem to have it, but that doesn't mean it should be spent like that.

 

[QueenIsabella]

My husband an d son went to Scotland a few years back. It was HS graduation gift to my son, from his grandmother. They had a great time--DS is big into Scotland--and saw the tattoo, which was a bucket list item for them both. But--I have no interest in going. I'd go to Italy again in a heartbeat, but that's another matter.

I guess the real question to ask yourself is, if your mom died a week after she got back from the trip, would you feel better or worse, having chosen to go or not? It sounds like she'll have plenty of company. I feel you on the extra expenses, especially for a trip that you wouldn't, personally, choose.

I'm kind of in a similar predicament, in that, back in 1990, I promised DH that one day, we'd take our kids to Hawaii (his father died there that year). Fast forward to now, and that chit is due. Personally, if I never set foot on Hawaii again, I'd be fine--it's expensive and a long distance away. I'd rather go to Italy again! But, here I am, teed up to fly to Hawaii in 2 months. And I promised DH, I'd be all-in. We're going on a fancy trip in fancy hotels and I'm doing all the planning and even ordered prescription snorkel masks for me and DS (both legally blind without our glasses). A promise is a promise. But--you DIDN'T promise.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Answer - "Thanks for the offer, mom, and thanks for taking the kids. I hope you and the grandkids have a fabulous time! I can't wait to see all the pictures. Let me know if you need me to do anything for you stateside while you're enjoying yourself in Scotland."

 

[tazdev3225]

Short answer do what is best for you.

Long answer - I LOVE Scotland. I've been there 3 times in the last 6 years and cannot wait to go back. I went with my mom twice so I get the difficulty of that. My mom and I get along great or we are fighting constantly, there is no in between. I do have a trip back planned in a year or 2 with my oldest granddaughter and I cannot wait to take her. My trips have all been on tours. I might have seen more on my own but I was content to let the bus driver get me there, and then explore the lochs, the mountains, churches, the castles and ruins.

Everyone has different ways of traveling and what they want to see. Do what YOU want to do and don't feel guilty about it.

 

[RogueX]

I loved Scotland but we put together our own itinerary and did it our way. I would go back in a heartbeat. But it isn't for everyone and that's okay.

No, you're not a bad daughter for not wanting to go.

 

[izzy]

I did a bus trip in Scotland and Ireland 3 years ago because it was my aging mom’s bucket list trip - she was 90 then. We had a great time, but I have to say that our vacationing styles are very similar. It sounds like you and your husband don’t like these type of trips, which is perfectly fine. They aren’t for everyone. Given the expense and other general hassles you’re running into, give yourself permission to say no.

 

[soccerdad72]

Sounds like you answered your question repeatedly through your post - don't go.

 

[VandVsmama]

Don't go. And don't feel guilty about it.

 

[Colleen27]

It sounds to me like you already have your answer. Don't go. The finances aren't right, the type of trip isn't right, and having someone along who isn't into it is likely to make the trip less fun than it would otherwise be for your mom and the rest of the group. Plus there is something to be said for grandma-and-grandkids trips without the parents in the mix.

We're going to Scotland for the first time next month and I'm excited to see it, but I nixed the idea of a bus tour because I'm not the sort of traveler that wants to be on someone else's schedule. I set the itinerary and booked everything myself, and came in under what the tours I considered would have cost and with more flexibility. I can certainly see how it isn't for everyone. DH and DS, who have less time available for the trip than I do, chose to do the Paris-London-Edinburgh chunk of the trip because the Highlands and hiking I have planned for the rest of our time there don't appeal to them. And I'm pretty sure the only reason they're even coming that far north with us is that golfing St. Andrews is a major bucket list item for DH.

 

[robinb]

You seem to have two main parts to your quandary. (1) The price of the Scottish vacation and (2) Vacationing to a place and in a way that is not what you would prefer.

Your first objection is price. If you look at the price of the Scotland vacation, it may not actually be a whole lot more than your plan to go to WDW. Check out this post for some jaw dropping estimates: https://www.disboards.com/threads/how-much-is-your-2022-disney-vacation-going-to-cost-you.3874647/ . I was shocked at the price of my own May DVC vacation using APs. WDW is an expensive place even with DVC and prepaid park passes. I really don't think that you will save a lot of money going to WDW instead of Scotland.

Your second objection is going on a vacation that is not what you would book for yourself. Frankly, I think the fact that your mom wants you to join her on her final vacation trumps everything else. I sympathize that it's not your idea of a great vacation and you would prefer to do something else, but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do for others ... and for ourselves. Will it be a perfect vacation? No, but it may be the last time you'll be able to vacation with your mom. I don't mean to lay it on thick, but there are many of us who would gladly spend $7K to go on another vacation with our parents who are no longer with us. Some of my best memories of my late mother were from trips we took together.

Only you know if you will regret not going to Scotland with your mom. If neither you nor your mom are the sentimental types, then staying at home may be perfectly fine. But, it seems to me that she's reaching out to you and suggesting things she knows that you will enjoy so she can have you with her so it appears to be important to her.

 

[rwdavis2]

Trust me, after seeing 2-3 castles they start to look the same. I've been to Scotland twice and liked the trips but we drove ourselves and went at our own pace.

I would do what you and your husband prefer.

 

[_19disnA]

You never said whether you have done any other multi-family vacations in the past and/or how that worked out. Vacationing in a large group presents all sorts of challenges since everyone isn't likely going to want to all do the same things all the time. Sounds like some of the grandkids are also adults and likely they have their own families/interests/budgets regarding vacations. Even on a tour group, I would imagine there is some free time built into the schedule and everyone may not have the same interests.

If you don't want to go (for whatever reasons), I would just let your mom know you won't be attending. I don't think you have to get into extensive explanations about why, be it finances or other issues. I wouldn't be manipulated into an expensive vacation to another country because it sounds like your mom is trying make others feel bad if they don't attend.

 

[Pooh2]

You already did your guilt trip in 2019, no need to do another!
Enjoy your disney trip and stick to your budget.
Vacations and travel are too darned expensive to spend the money and vacation time doing something you are not thrilled with.

 

[AndreaDM]

I have always felt that one's vacation TIME and MONEY are something YOU get to choose how to spend! Both are very precious to me and I do not like anyone trying to dictate or guilt me into how they are used. My MIL has done that a few time and we bowed out, just because renting a cabin in Vermont over Christmas has always been your dream, that's not how I want to spend my time off. I have a friend right now who keeps badgering us to go to Key West with her and her husband. We've been friends since high school and I really like her, but I also know that our vacation styles are very different, and again, call me selfish, but I want to choose where to go to dinner and what kind of sightseeing we do, etc. It's so hard to say no without hurting people's feelings though, so I get your dilemma.

 

[mjkacmom]

You seem to have two main parts to your quandary. (1) The price of the Scottish vacation and (2) Vacationing to a place and in a way that is not what you would prefer.

Your first objection is price. If you look at the price of the Scotland vacation, it may not actually be a whole lot more than your plan to go to WDW. Check out this post for some jaw dropping estimates: https://www.disboards.com/threads/how-much-is-your-2022-disney-vacation-going-to-cost-you.3874647/ . I was shocked at the price of my own May DVC vacation using APs. WDW is an expensive place even with DVC and prepaid park passes. I really don't think that you will save a lot of money going to WDW instead of Scotland.

Your second objection is going on a vacation that is not what you would book for yourself. Frankly, I think the fact that your mom wants you to join her on her final vacation trumps everything else. I sympathize that it's not your idea of a great vacation and you would prefer to do something else, but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do for others ... and for ourselves. Will it be a perfect vacation? No, but it may be the last time you'll be able to vacation with your mom. I don't mean to lay it on thick, but there are many of us who would gladly spend $7K to go on another vacation with our parents who are no longer with us. Some of my best memories of my late mother were from trips we took together.

Only you know if you will regret not going to Scotland with your mom. If neither you nor your mom are the sentimental types, then staying at home may be perfectly fine. But, it seems to me that she's reaching out to you and suggesting things she knows that you will enjoy so she can have you with her so it appears to be important to her.

My mom was so looking forward to traveling with my daughters to Glasgow for a dance competition. Unfortunately she was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer 8 months before the trip and passed away 4 months later. I remember the moment she realized she was never going. My husband and son went and I hired them a guide for a couple of days.

 

[MamaMermaid]

I’d pass in this situation.

 

[Jangles]

I am biased because I am from Wales, but Scotland is stunningly beautiful and there is so much to do. Yes, the organised tours focus on lochs and castles, but there are also opportunities to ski, sail, kayak … all manner of water sports. You can visit the islands and see amazing wildlife, visit the national parks etc. Some of the scenic drives are exhilarating and not for the faint hearted. There are amazing world class restaurants and of course the distilleries and the various festivals and theatres. I understand that the OP’s Mother is restricted due to mobility issues, but don’t write Scotland off. Just hire a car another time and tour independently.

 

[Micca]

Scotland is awesome...for all the things you said don't interest you. Pass on the trip and maybe throw a nice homecoming party. For the fam when she gets home.