SAHMs: Will you ever work outside the home again?

[pjlla]

Originally posted by kasar
This subject comes bubbling up every September for me. My two DDs are 11 and 9 and in school all day. I have kept very busy volunteering in their school which is great but I still have some down time (and it's sometimes a bit lonely) to get things done around the house. I'm not the greatest housekeeper or cook but it does still get done at some point during the week.

I go back and forth all the time. I really hate the "what do you do all day" question but I understand how the working spouse might feel that. I know that my DH gets lots of breaks during his day when he gets to socialize and go out for nice lunches, he shares his life with his coworkers and has the freedom to come and go (because I'm home for everything else). That's why he never questions me or asks what I do all day. I feel that I have a right to maintain friendships or shop (mostly for the family and home) or even sit and watch a show or two (or a bit of DISing). I'm here for our children, I'm here for deliveries and service people, I keep this place running pretty smoothly and I support his career and allow him the freedom to work crazy hours and travel. We're a team and although I'm not contributing money, I'd like to think that my contribution is significant. So, I may go back to work or I may not - things are working fine right now so who knows?

I could have written this. This is my opinion exactly! My kids are 9 and 6...... DS just started first grade, so this is really the first time that my working outside the home has become a possibility. But we have gone along just fine for the past 9 years on DH's income, so it is not a matter of $$ for necessities. But I KNOW that my DH wonders what I do with my time all day. I may not be the best housekeeper, but I am a worker. I do lots of home improvement projects that most women wouldn't do.

I tiled the bathroom BY MYSELF. I painted the entire playroom when it was finished.... two coats of primer, two coats of ceiling paint, two coats each of four different colors to the walls..... with absolutely no help from DH and this was all while I had a child or two at home. I put in a new kitchen faucet, installed a ceiling fan in the kitchen and a new chandelier in the dining room, with no help from DH. I move furniture, scrape and paint windows, etc. So if you walk into my house and the kitchen floor isn't perfectly clean, please don't wonder what I have been doing. I do all the laundry, dishes, housework, some yard work (we kind of switch off the mowing, but I do most of the the mulching, weeding, planting), cooking, child care and taxi-ing, trash removal, bill paying, volunteering at school, and I have maintained one or two very part time at-home jobs since I stopped working full time. But this whole time DH just keeps harping on me about going back to work when the kids are both in school. He has NO IDEA how much work I do around here.

But I have applied to start substituting at my children's elementary school this year. What other job could I do where I can be home with them after school, during snow days, during school vacations, all summer, and when they are sick?? Plus we live out in the boondocks and any regular job would require me to drive a minimum of 25 miles each way..... just not worth it for me.

In summary I will say that I am GLAD that I don't have the job of being the breadwinner.... I prefer my SAHM job. And I try to be understanding of the pressures that DH is under with his job.... he works many hours with no overtime pay because he is a salaried manager. He travels frequently.... sometimes just to the next state, sometimes further. But I hope that he understands that he couldn't be free to do all that if I wasn't doing my "job" as a SAHM........................P

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

My husband wants to retire at 52. That will be in 10 years and he will have 30 years in with his company. I just laugh at him. He'll be 62 when our last one is out of college.

I have a 10, 8 and 2 year old. I will probably go back to work in 3 years. I may substitute or go back into real estate. Both are very flexible, great for kids.

I do know that my husband won't help when I go back to work. I will be doing everything I do now AND have a job. It is just the way he is and I know it won't change (I've tried). So, why rush things.

Lori

 

[disneygals]

My girls are 12,10, and 8 and this has been bothering me since my 3rd started 1st grade. We don't "need" for me to work now to pay the bills, but I think we will in the future to pay for college, etc.

I don't want to work again, scared to death, have been out of the workplace for 9 years and worked in the same place for 12 years, so don't have varied experience.

Every year I toy with getting a local part-time job, but when faced with how it will shake up our lives for the amount of money earned I decide not to. My dh has made it clear with his hours and commute that he won't be helping.

My plan is to wait til my youngest is in 6th and try to get a part-time job that pays more and then they will be old enough to stay alone if sick, or if I am late getting home. (I'm sure I can find some excuse not to work then...lol)

I do have free time (which I try not to feel guilty about), but as mentioned by others I am here! for emergencies and sick kids, which the last few years as been very often. I figure this is my reward for 24 hr duty for 10 years. As soon as the kids are home from school, I am on duty til bedtime and that's when my dh gets his free time.

Sorry so long, but this has been on my mind since school started!

 

[tidoublegger]

I've been a SAHM with the exception of working as an EMT 1 shift/wk, for 18.9 years. I will be finished with nursing school in December and plan on trying to work 32 hrs/wk. (2 12 hr overnight shifts and one 3-11 shift).

In defense of the OP's DH, how many of us SAHM's fill each and every moment with "accountable" activities? Sometimes I'm lazy and surf online or talk on the phone...other days I'm cleaning cabinets and scrubbing bathrooms. There are soap opera threads on the DIS...someone is watching them, right? My point is, his gender isn't the issue. No one would gasp if a SAHM wanted to continue being a SAHM.

They need to do what is right for their family. If the OP is feeling like some other things could be done around the house, then they need to discuss those issues. I'm assuming she makes pretty good money to support the family. If she would like to trade roles or save more for retirement or something, then they need to sit down and talk. Maybe some cooking lessons or some recipes to follow to try out cooking?

I think that dads have every right to stay home, just as moms do, if it's financially feasible. I also think that as kids get older, it's just as important, maybe even more important to have a parent at home after school to keep an eye on things and bring them to their activities!

Good luck!!!

 

[m&m's mom]

Originally posted by tidoublegger
I've been a SAHM with the exception of working as an EMT 1 shift/wk, for 18.9 years. I will be finished with nursing school in December and plan on trying to work 32 hrs/wk. (2 12 hr overnight shifts and one 3-11 shift).

In defense of the OP's DH, how many of us SAHM's fill each and every moment with "accountable" activities? Sometimes I'm lazy and surf online or talk on the phone...other days I'm cleaning cabinets and scrubbing bathrooms. There are soap opera threads on the DIS...someone is watching them, right? My point is, his gender isn't the issue. No one would gasp if a SAHM wanted to continue being a SAHM.

They need to do what is right for their family. If the OP is feeling like some other things could be done around the house, then they need to discuss those issues. I'm assuming she makes pretty good money to support the family. If she would like to trade roles or save more for retirement or something, then they need to sit down and talk. Maybe some cooking lessons or some recipes to follow to try out cooking?

I think that dads have every right to stay home, just as moms do, if it's financially feasible. I also think that as kids get older, it's just as important, maybe even more important to have a parent at home after school to keep an eye on things and bring them to their activities!

Good luck!!!

Basically what I was going to say , although better than I would have )
If it was the reverse and it was a man posting the exact same question as the DW I think we would read different responses.

I had a similar discussion w/ my SAHM neighbor over the weekend. She said after her youngest DD started school she was going to get a part-time job working 9-2. She wants to make "good money" as well. Good Luck! She would not have been in the workforce for over 14 years at that point. Basically she has never had an out of the house job.
I, think I did it better. I have worked at the same co. for 14 years and so now that I want more flexibility I have the seniority to get it. I keep my great pay, work part-time and have all benefits including great vacation that it took 14 years to get to.
We also had our kids college paid for when they were in preschool.
What worked for us is kind of backward traditional logic. We worked immediately after graduating from college, had kids a little later (30 and 35). I now am working less hours now that they are in school when they have more activities.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I have no idea what I'll end up doing after my kids move out but I do know that I couldn't work for someone else again.

 

[eeyore kelly]

Since the kids have been in school, I have worked on and off. When we need the money, I go to work part time and when we don't need the money or summer comes I quit. Child care would eat up my paycheck. If Dh is not cooking and cleaning and kids are in school, then yes he needs to go to work.

 

[Mercy]

Originally posted by dizneenut
I'm thinking about this right now. I've been a SAHM for 14 years now. My boys are all in school full time and I no longer babysit (did that privately for a few years for extra $$) anymore. I am considering a PT job, but am scared to death to go back to work after being home so long.

I was a SAHM for 15 years. I too was scared to death to go back to work. I first got an office job in a small privately owned company, but after about 10 months of "getting my feet wet", I decided to try for a better job with better pay/benefits, etc.

Let me tell you it's a very different world out there from when I worked years ago! The interviews alone were enough to send shivers up my spine. But I did land a job in a customer service center for a major auto finance company.

I kind of wish I could be home again, but I do like getting that paycheck!

 

[pjlla]

Originally posted by tidoublegger
I've been a SAHM with the exception of working as an EMT 1 shift/wk, for 18.9 years. I will be finished with nursing school in December and plan on trying to work 32 hrs/wk. (2 12 hr overnight shifts and one 3-11 shift).

In defense of the OP's DH, how many of us SAHM's fill each and every moment with "accountable" activities? Sometimes I'm lazy and surf online or talk on the phone...other days I'm cleaning cabinets and scrubbing bathrooms. There are soap opera threads on the DIS...someone is watching them, right? My point is, his gender isn't the issue. No one would gasp if a SAHM wanted to continue being a SAHM.

They need to do what is right for their family. If the OP is feeling like some other things could be done around the house, then they need to discuss those issues. I'm assuming she makes pretty good money to support the family. If she would like to trade roles or save more for retirement or something, then they need to sit down and talk. Maybe some cooking lessons or some recipes to follow to try out cooking?

I think that dads have every right to stay home, just as moms do, if it's financially feasible. I also think that as kids get older, it's just as important, maybe even more important to have a parent at home after school to keep an eye on things and bring them to their activities!

Good luck!!!

Honestly, I don't think that any of us SAHM (or dads) are saying that we are breaking a sweat 24/7 working at home. But a SAH parent of any gender who doesn't do any of the cooking and cleaning??? My husband would NOT tolerate that, nor should he. My #1 "job" is to look after/nurture/take care of the children. But that includes providing a reasonably clean home, clean clothes, and prepared meals. How fair would it be to expect my DH to work 40+ hrs a week and then come home and cook and clean because I didn't bother, even though I had the time. I don't disagree about a Dad's right to stay home..... but it is not fair to expect the main breadwinner in the family who is working 40 or more hours a week to also have to do the majority of the housework and cleaning just because the SAH parent couldn't be bothered............................P

 

[100%Disney]

I hope to work part-time.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I've been a SAHM as long as I've had kids (my oldest will be 17yo in December). I do see myself doing something to bring in some spending $ when my youngest goes to school. He's 4yo and will go to all day kindergarten next year. Actually, I have been doing something (besides the SAHM stuff)--I've been doing before/after school daycare for the last 10 years. That has been good, but I'm thinking that I want to do something different when the kids are in school all day (actually, all day isn't exactly correct--my elem school student will get on the bus at almost 9AM and my high school students arrive home at 2:40.

If I don't get a job during school hours then I will increase the number of children that I watch before/after school.

T&B

 

[disykat]

Originally posted by pjlla
Honestly, I don't think that any of us SAHM (or dads) are saying that we are breaking a sweat 24/7 working at home. But a SAH parent of any gender who doesn't do any of the cooking and cleaning??? My husband would NOT tolerate that, nor should he. My #1 "job" is to look after/nurture/take care of the children. But that includes providing a reasonably clean home, clean clothes, and prepared meals. How fair would it be to expect my DH to work 40+ hrs a week and then come home and cook and clean because I didn't bother, even though I had the time. I don't disagree about a Dad's right to stay home..... but it is not fair to expect the main breadwinner in the family who is working 40 or more hours a week to also have to do the majority of the housework and cleaning just because the SAH parent couldn't be bothered............................P

I think the issue is mostly cooking. Missypie has already stated that they hire out for cleaning and dh does do the laundry, grocery shopping, and mowing. I had a friend who worked while her dh stayed home. He is a great guy and did a great job watching the kids. However, cleaning and cooking were an issue for them as well - it is for many of my working friends with their dh's as well. It is pretty hard to insist someone do things your way if they don't really care. I'm sure there are men who wish that their wives would cook and clean more (working or SAH) too - it's one of those things you either live with how they do it or do it yourself. My friend and her dh switched, now dh works and she stays home - and she gets to decide how the house is run.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I guess if the man is working out three whole mornings a week, he must be an Adonis by now. Maybe that's why his schedule is cool with you, Missy?

You're a much more tolerant woman than I, I'll tell you that!

To the original question: I worked full-time throughout my son's baby and toddlerhood. I planned to have another child and then become a SAHM, but another baby never happened.

So when I was offered a buy-out from the company I worked for (DS was in first grade then), I jumped on it.

I enjoyed the time I spent at home--about 10 months. However, when DS started second grade, I started feeling so unproductive around the house. I've worked most of my life and am used to having my own money.

I then got a part-time job in the social services office of a local hospital. I'm still there now, and I love it! I work about 20 hours a week with a flexible schedule. I accrue time off based on my hours, so I do get holiday, sick and vacation pay. During the summer, the hospital's day care runs a summer camp for employees' older children, and that is where my son went whenever I worked this summer.

Anyway, I'm putting this out there because I want to tell people that are decent part-time jobs out there. I got lucky finding mine (a friend's husband is a nurse at this hospital and he put an application in for me), but I want to say this--seek and you shall find. Jobs like mine are available, but you might have to look outside the corporate world to find them.

 

[ZachnElli]

I've been a SAHM for 9 1/2 years now. My youngest just started kindergarten (1/2 day). I've asked myself this alot. But quite frankly, my income would be 1/20th of what dh currently brings home, if that! What's the point? LOL! Dh doesn't want me to go back to work, but wouldn't care if I did. I do have alot more free time right now because they are both in school and I wait on my front porch for dd everyday for a good half hour! I do clean and cook (and bake and I do it well!), pay all bills, balance the check book, pretty much anything in the house I take care of. I can start the snowblower and get the driveway clear for dh. He does the lawnmowing, but I really want to take that over too, he doesn't do it often enough for my liking! I do think I will do some volunteering in the future. I signed forms for voluntering at the kids' school, but haven't heard from either teacher yet (we just moved, it's a new school).

 

[beattyfamily]

I am really enjoying this thread!

I have always felt pressure to go back to work as soon as my DDs are both in school full time. Not by DH but by other moms, family and friends. I thought that's what everyone was doing and what was expected of me...but I was always worried about being there when my girls are sick or when they get home from school. I try not to worry about that now but then I hear from a SAHM friend of mine telling me that this year her son will be in school all day so she's been job hunting all summer and how hard it is for her to find a job that pays something decent with good hours. She's so worried and asking me for advice. I don't know what to tell her. I'm not looking now and I'm not really worried or thinking about that now. Then I had another SAHM go back to work the second her younger DD was in school full day last year. She booked the summer camps for them and enrolled them in the after school programs cause she doesn't get home till 6:00 I guess. Her girls are in Kindergarten and 3rd grade go to school from 7:00a to 6:00p! I just think that's really long for Kindergarten and 3rd grade. She doesn't even need the money either so hearing her story and my other calling me about her job hunt, I was starting to worry about finding a job where I could start at 9 and be home by 3 and who wouldn't care if I call in sick when my kids are sick even though my younger DD won't be in full day school till Sept 2005 or Sept 2006 (not sure yet about whether she'll have half day kintergarten or full day). I just want to thank you for making me feel a little better!! I guess I reallly don't have to go back if I don't want to as long as my DH agrees!!

 

[atlnewf]

I've been a SAHM for 5 years. This year I became something of a WAHM with a direct sales company. I'm still home majority of the time, I maintain the house (for teh most part) and plan to continue doing so. Next year when my youngest starts pre-k, I'll take the county's substitute teacher class. I've always wondered if I'd make a good teacher, I thought this would be a good way to try it out. It's a part time position I'll only do while kids are in school. If it doesn't work, no biggie.

Ashley

 

[Madi100]

Well, I work at home, just started not too long ago. It's about ten hours a week. I'm looking at expanding and it will be closer to 30 hours. I have a three year old right now. Even when she gets in school I don't want to have to report to anyone. There is still a lot of responsibilities with them in school. It would be hard to find a job only during the school year. It would be hard to find a job where I could go to school activities. It would be hard to find a job where I could just leave work if my kids needed me, or where I can call in sick if they are sick. So, by the time they are out of school I will be 49. I really don't see wanting to start a career then.

 

[mom2alix]

Originally posted by JerseyJanice

I then got a part-time job in the social services office of a local hospital. I'm still there now, and I love it! I work about 20 hours a week with a flexible schedule. I accrue time off based on my hours, so I do get holiday, sick and vacation pay. During the summer, the hospital's day care runs a summer camp for employees' older children, and that is where my son went whenever I worked this summer.

Anyway, I'm putting this out there because I want to tell people that are decent part-time jobs out there. I got lucky finding mine (a friend's husband is a nurse at this hospital and he put an application in for me), but I want to say this--seek and you shall find. Jobs like mine are available, but you might have to look outside the corporate world to find them.

This is the type of thing I would like to do when my kids start school. I like working, but the career I had before I became a SAHM involved long hours and travel and just wouldn't be a good fit for our life now. Since we don't really need the money I wouldn't mind trading lower pay for something part-time with flexible hours so I could work while the kids were in school, but be home when they got home. That would be the best of both worlds to me. I'd also prefer to work in a non-profit where I felt like I was helping people.

DH just can't understand why I talk about getting a job once the kids are in school. He thinks I'm nuts and should just enjoy myself, although he did suggest I could go to culinary school (not to become a chef, just to cook for him). He doesn't have any complaints about the cooking now, just likes the idea of his own personal pastry chef.

 

[missypie]

OP back here. I personally think it would quite cool if someone came to me and said: "You have 10 years to figure out what you want to do for the next 10 years. During that time you can have any type of training that you want or need. You don't have to make any certain amount of money or work any particular number of hours."

Just think of the possibilities...realtor, florist, landscape designer, travel agent, social worker, music teacher, chef, eBay mogul, antique dealer...anything your heart desires, to keep you occupied. That sounds pretty attractive to me.

In DH's defense, he's a GUY...a straight guy. No matter what the house looks like, it looks fine to him. I bet most husbands would be the same way if they were in charge of the house.

Switching roles is not an option. I make at least 6 times more than he could if he went back to work.