SAHM and going to college

[maelstrom]

Education is never a bad thing. Now... if someone really, truly wants to be a stay at home mom and housewife, that's fine. Nothing wrong with that, so long as that is her choice. I've heard way too many "feminists" try to discount that avenue, even if it is what the woman wants. So anyway. Education is great. Not everyone needs a Masters degree from Yale, though. Trade schools and technical schools are great. She could be an electrician, a beautician, a medical transcriptionist, a pharmacy technician, and plenty of other jobs where you do some school and some on-the-job training and learn a skill. She'll probably have to work at some point. Where does she expect to meet her husband if she isn't out-and-about in the world? Even as a stay at home mom, you can do medical transcription from home part time and bring in some income while still taking care of the home. And what if, goodness forbid, something were to happen to her husband? It would be really good to have some training to fall back on. So, basically, I wouldn't force a standard four-year college degree on her if it was truly something she was not interested in persuing, but I'd definitely stress the value of a trade or technical school and learning some sort of skill... you never know what life is going to throw your way.

 

[disykat]

Wow. I agree with the PP who said an education is NEVER wasted. I graduated college and worked for 3.5 years before quitting to become a SAHM. That means I *used* my degree for less time than it took to *earn* my degree. I have never regretted it for a second. It have opened doors for me, and I have been able to do some freelance work in my field now that my kids are in school full time. I can't imagine being able to do that without a degree and previous work experience.

If my DD was absolutely SURE she was going to be a SAHM, I'd still encourage her to take courses at a community college if she didn't want to go to a university. She could always take child development, basic accounting, culinary arts, etc that would serve her in a career as wife and mom, but may provide a great starting point for a career/degree program if she so chooses.

Sheesh, if all else fails, I'd tell her college is a great place to meet her future husband (or does she already have that part lined up?) OP-- sorry your own mother makes you feel like you "wasted" money. If nothing else, you have set a wonderful example for your children about the importance of education.

I agree. Personally, I think college is good life preparation for whatever you do. I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM some day, but that didn't mean I didn't have to start a career in the meantime or be prepared in case "some day" wasn't in the cards. One of the reasons I chose teaching was because of my aspirations. Maybe some of the "traditional" women's educational paths, like teaching, nursing, etc. might be a good fit for her?

 

[Patience]

Double post. Sorry

 

[kate_wdw]

I wouldn't discourage her from getting a college education, however, I would recommend that she be judicious about the amount of debt she incurs for her education (e.g., explore community colleges and state schools), particularly since it sounds like she doesn't anticipate that she'll be working/repaying that debt herself.

 

[Colleen27]

It really depends on the circumstances. Would an education mean debt that might make it so that she can't be a SAHM down the road? Does she have a non-college plan for how to support herself in the years between high school and marriage/children? Those two factors would make all the difference in my reaction if one of my girls came to me and said she didn't want to invest the time and money in earning a degree that she didn't feel was part of her long-term plan for life.

I do believe that education is never wasted. However, with the cost of higher education in this country I don't think that alone is a good enough reason for someone without career goals to head off to college - it is just too expensive to be an exercise in personal growth for most people. And no matter how much we like to tell ourselves that just having a degree equals a measure of financial security, marketability, or earning potential it just isn't the case - a dusty old degree and an extended gap in your resume isn't going to impress a potential employer. Most of the SAHMs I know went back to school, either to change fields or update skills, when they wanted to reenter the workforce whether or not they had a degree and career before kids.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Even if her dream comes true, she marries young, they have 3 kids right away 2 years apart like stair steps, he stays healthy, the marriage stays strong, and she stays home until the youngest graduates high school (that's a lot of if's but stay with me), she'll be about 41. Won't she want a career at that point? She'd have another 26 years before retirement age.

My mom built an entire career after my younger brother finished middle school. She couldn't have done that without a degree, and paying for college while paying for her kids to go to college would have been very hard.

 

[brookmey]

Right now my nieces are 2 and 7. No husbands lined up yet, but my SIL is positive they'll meet their husbands at church. She and my BIL have recently moved way out to the boonies of north TX and BIL took a huge pay cut with his new job. They now live paycheck to paycheck, barely getting by. They're worried about having the money to pay for college, so they're thinking about alternate plans.

I agree with everyone. I want my daughter to go to college for so many reasons beyond getting a degree. I was so shocked at what my SIL said because even though she has a very traditional marriage and life, I never thought she would question the value of higher education. But lately she has gotten into the idea of being self-taught and that formal schooling isn't necessary to be educated and to be knowledgable of different subjects. She homeschools and that's the approach she takes. Living life and giving to others are the best teachers of all. I hope it all works out, for the sake of my nieces.

 

[Styx Fan]

I totally agree about the value of education and being able to support yourself. I have been a SAHM for 10 years now, and worked for years before that. Part of me always wanted to be a SAHM, but it never occurred to me to skip an education hoping I would meet a man and have that all work out.

The other reason I offer for going to some kind of school or training is actually outdated in some ways, but practical in others. I would want my daughter to marry a well educated man...or a man very well trained in a good field in which he excels. Most of the men I know who meet that standard also want a woman who is his equal intellectually. They would not want a wife who skipped all higher learning waiting around to be a SAHM. A SAHM is also a wife and companion to her husband. She needs to be interesting as a person. Not to say a person lacking higher ed isn't, but it just seems they should be on the same path.

Some good friends of mine started dating when she was a senior in high school. Her family loved him to death and saw him as a good catch. (In that family it was still about 1940 when it came to a womans role). She was flat out told she was not college material and encouraged to stick with the low paying clerical job she had as an intern in high school. The job was with a small business, not some place she could work her way up. She did as they bid. She wasn't really a good match for a 4 year degree, but she was smart and could have done well with some kind of training or 2 year degree. They did get married. He finished his BA, got a good job. Company paid for his masters. She stayed in low paying clerical. He resented her low pay. I warned her she needed to keep expanding her mind and growing. She didn't. They divorced after 7 years of marriage. Luckily, they did not have kids. He is remarried and makes big $$$. She is single and is a dog groomer. Don't know if she is happy or not.

I know this isn't quite the same as being a SAHM, but the way their relationship unfolded is quite similar. If they would have had kids, she would have stayed home and the end equation would have been the same.

On a more personal note.....I am the first generation in my family to pursue a degree. It seems to have made a difference in the way I look at the world. College moved me beyond my background. Without the "polish" I acquired in college, I would never fit in with my husbands family and co-workers. I would feel left out of some conversations. Not to say a person couldn't achiever that same feeling without schooling, but for me it worked well this way.

 

[minkydog]

I saw my mom struggle when my dad become disabled at 46. She got married at 19, had never worked and never went to college. She had to work low paying jobs with horrible hours just to keep health insurance for herself. It was hard to see.

While I never finished college, I have worked all of my adult life and could support myself if I needed to. I have encouraged my DD to have a skill so she can always support herself if she needs to.

Hah! You beat me to it. I would encourage all my children to get some sort of higher education beyond HS. You never know what life has in store for you. Thankfully, I became a nurse at a very young age (20~!) and have worked mostly part-time since the children were born. Twice, my husband found himself out of work when the kids were little--it was hard, but we were able to make it on my little bit of salary. I went full-time for awhile until he could get back on his feet in another job. My primary job has always been taking care of the house and children, though.

And then 10 years ago, DH started getting sick. Really sick. Thank goodness I had an established trade(nursing) because things went from bad to worse very shortly. DH has been fully disabled since he turned 47--that's 9 years. Between me working and his private long term disability insurance, we were able to keep our heads above water until the SSDI kicked in 3 YEARS LATER. If I hadn't been able to work at something that paid a decent wage we would have been on the streets. As it was, we ran up a lot of credit card debt during that time, which I have worked very hard to pay off. I thank God every day that I had parents who pushed education for their children.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I have a degree and was a SAHM for years. I went back to work when DD was a senior in high school as my family was gone all day, I was tired of volunteering and going out to lunch each day, and most of my friends weren't available as much as they went back to work.

I enjoy my job and it makes me feel good to have a reason to get up and get moving everyday. It is not the greatest job, but I am able to save 50% of my salary for our retirement which is huge. I also bought DVC with my earnings. You never know when you will put that degree to use.

Our DSs both graduated from college last year and our DD will graduate next year. They all really enjoyed college life in addition to the education they received. I would have been really sad if they did not have this experience.

 

[Jaya]

I remember when I was 18 and working a summer job between my freshman and sophomore year in college. A bunch of us young'uns were sitting around and the discussion was about how wonderful it was to be a woman. We'd work a few years and then get married, stay home and raise our kids. We all agreed that it would be terrible to have to be a man and "work for the rest of our lives" to support a family. What a naïve bunch of little girls we were. I worked until I retired at 62. So much for the big dreams at 18 (well, I DID have the husband and kids, so that part came true).

 

[ebtbmom]

Personally I think it's a bad idea for any female to assume that she will be supported her entire life.

My mom taught me one valuable lesson, NEVER plan on your husband taking care of you, always be able to provide for yourself. Even though, she totally relies on my dad!

 

[Junebugwv]

I married young (19) while in college and finished college knowing I wanted to be a SAHM. Homeschooled our kids and noticed that our DD always proclaimed she wanted to be a SAHM, even though her friends all said they wanted careers. When she was a young teen I conferenced with DH and said, "I think she means it. That girl is going to marry young and we need a plan or she will not go to college." We never revealed our plan to her. I offered her year-round schooling which she completed at 16. She met a fine young man at college and they married 2 weeks after graduation. She was 20, with a college degree and she has been a SAHM for 12 years and is homeschooling their kiddos.

Obviously, we value education, but a young person needs to give serious consideration to the cost of college today. Since we paid for our children's college educations, we asked them which college they would like to attend, not "do you want to go?"