sad post-honest opinions please

[TimeforMe]

Oh--just an afterthought.....if your dad is like most men, your mom may have mentioned it to him that she felt bad that you didn't give her a card and either put him up to calling you to get the point across or he took it upon himself to do so.

 

[ols386]

I wouldn't worry about it. In the grand scheme of things in life, it's really not important enough to worry about. Life goes on.

 

[tasha99]

OP, How much would a Mother's Day card cost? I miss my DM so much and wish she was still around to buy cards for. I agree with you that it's important to be nice to them every day but the little things, like cards, mean alot too.

TC

I think that's debatable. I find cards to be pretty meaningless, especially if they were written by Hallmark. Even if someone takes the time to write on a blank card, I would rather have face time.

 

[LuvOrlando]

For Mother's Day and Father's Day each year my family of 4 and the In-laws go out for dinner. We chip in because the dinner is our gift to them as much as their gift to us, since we ARE their Grandchildren's parents.

As for the card and all, I don't think your talk with your Dad had anything at all to do with the holiday. You're mad at him and it all came rolling out when he said something that made you defensive, so you erupted.

That said, maybe YOU (not your Dad and not your Mom but YOU) would feel better if you got your mom a card and some flowers. I mean, even though you didn't do anything wrong the fact that your Dad got such a huge rise out of you probably means it bother's you on some level. Justified or not, if what he said really didn't get to you things never would have blown up like that. I'd just get her pot of geraniums and take her to breakfast.. maybe take them both to breakfast to clear the air. Pancakes have medicinal properties

PS- cut yourself some slack. I don't think you're wrong but it doesn't matter what I think, it matters what you think and it seems you are having a hard time

 

[Bren's Mom]

First, for those of you that say cards are so expensive...start buying them at the dollar store. The ones near me all have great card selections, and are 2/$1.

Second, op I can understand what you're going through. My mom actually told me once that she didn't like the homemade cards my sister sent that her girls made. She wanted a bought card that said 'Grandma' on it. Made no sense to me, she's the one who always told us home made was better. But some people are funny about things. My stepdad will call when my mom has her panties in a bunch about something, and that irks me. If she's upset, she should be able to tell me. I'm a busy working outside the home mom. Sometimes things get away from me and I forget something, like getting a card. It happens. Don't beat yourself up over it. Send your mom a card for no reason sometime in the near future, a $.50 one, just to tell her you love her.

 

[ols386]

Why get a card and gift after the fact? If you do that, then aren't you doing it out of guilt? I don't think the op has anything to feel guilty about.

 

[diznygirl]

You asked for honest opinions so I'll give you mine. You more or less invited your mom for dinner. By asking her what she wanted to do, it sounded like you would be treating her. Having said that, if it were me and knowing that money was so tight, I wouldn't have suggested that or made it an option. You also should have spoken to your brother beforehand to make it clear either a) he was to share in the cost of dinner for your parents or b) let him know that he was responsible for paying at least his own dinner.

At any rate--let it go if you can. I would speak personally to your mom, but do it with a sense of humor so you don't make her feel bad as well.

Oh--just an afterthought.....if your dad is like most men, your mom may have mentioned it to him that she felt bad that you didn't give her a card and either put him up to calling you to get the point across or he took it upon himself to do so.

See, there is where I was going as well. My brothers and I would take mom out to dinner and pay for her. We would also get her cards. It's a nice time and Mom loves spending the time with us. The two hours is better than a gift.

If she were paying for her own meal, then it's just like any other get evening out - nothing special.

I don't know OP - I think your mom's feelings were hurt, your dad called to ask about it, and you went overboard in your feelings about the subject.

 

[wdwfan16]

well in the last 35 years, this was probably the second time I didnt get her a card or present, but I did ask what she wanted to do and that was what I did, so I feel as though it is not like I blew her off. She had a wonderful time.

Was what she wanted to do - Go out to dinner and pay for her meal? No card, no gift and no meal. You really did not do anything but eat the food you bought and leave. Why did your DH not go too?

You had money for a girls overnighter but not money for your mom's meal?

 

[LuvOrlando]

Getting a card and gift after the fact have nothing to do with guilt. I don't get people gifts or cards to avoid feeling guilty so why would getting them after the fact be about guilt? She's posting because she feels bad. If it were a non event in her mind she would never have posted the question in the first place, at least that's the way I read it. Whether she SHOULD feel bad or not has nothing to do with it IMO

 

[mjkacmom]

See, there is where I was going as well. My brothers and I would take mom out to dinner and pay for her. We would also get her cards. It's a nice time and Mom loves spending the time with us. The two hours is better than a gift.

If she were paying for her own meal, then it's just like any other get evening out - nothing special.

I don't know OP - I think your mom's feelings were hurt, your dad called to ask about it, and you went overboard in your feelings about the subject.

We went out to eat with my parents - they paid, but only because my dad insists. When we take them out to eat, along with the IL's, we pay, because we invited (although I know it's killing my dad). I got my mom $65 worth of really good chocolate from a local chocolate boutique here (that she'd never buy for herself), a card, and the kids made her cards. I got my MIL edible arrangement chocolate covered strawberries that looked like roses, because I needed something sent.

I think the problem was that they had no idea you weren't feeling well, and that you usually get her a card and a gift. The fact that you didn't get either, or pay, means you pretty much graced her with your presence. My mom got me a card, too, and a day of cleaning from a cleaning service.

 

[MerMom60_94]

Was what she wanted to do - Go out to dinner and pay for her meal? No card, no gift and no meal. You really did not do anything but eat the food you bought and leave. Why did your DH not go too?

You had money for a girls overnighter but not money for your mom's meal?:confused3

I was contemplating whether to go there. Not to mention the quote from the tag fairy that OP will only stay at a moderate if she must. Is the issue really that you couldn't afford a card or to pay for your mother? I can understand not wanting to pay for your brother's dinner, I have relatives who are kind of like that. The way I would have handled it is to either tell him ahead of time that he would be expected to split the bill or to tell my mother we were going to have a dinner out for just us girls.

As for a card, I am not a card person. I think they are kind of a waste. It doesn't matter whether I am a card person, though. If your mother is a card person and is known to like getting cards it would not have taken much effort or money to pick one up for her. After all, it's about what she likes, not what any of us like. Just my opinion.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

IMO, people put way too much emphasis on "stuff". You spent time with your Mother on Mother's Day. You shared a meal and each other's company. You made a memory. It's completely unimportant whether or not you purchased a card or paid for lunch. The important part is that you were together.

 

[Tuffcookie]

TimeforMe wrote:

Oh--just an afterthought.....if your dad is like most men, your mom may have mentioned it to him that she felt bad that you didn't give her a card and either put him up to calling you to get the point across or he took it upon himself to do so.

I was thinking along those lines too.

tasha99 wrote: I think that's debatable. I find cards to be pretty meaningless, especially if they were written by Hallmark. Even if someone takes the time to write on a blank card, I would rather have face time.

Cards do not have to be meaningless, (or expensive) especially if you take the time to write a personal message inside. In one of my most cherished cards from my late DM on my last birthday with her, she wrote: I truly love you.

My mom was the "Card Queen"! She had boxes of cards (that she picked up at the dollar store), for everyone in the family for every occasion. Sis and I would laugh because she was always calling us to run her to the dollar store to get more cards because she was all out. When she passed away and we were going thru her things, we found boxes of cards!

TC

 

[ez]

the girls overnighter is something that was planned way ahead of time, and at 48 years old was the 3rd time Id done anything like that, the last time being 8 years ago. I went with my sons special ed teacher and another special needs parent and basically spent most of the time talking about our special needs kids, for what thats worth.
I truly think my mom never gave any of it a second thought...she had a great time and I dont think she felt slighted in the least. I never intended not to get her a gift or card, however feeling so poorly that is just the way things went down, and I guess I figured it wouldnt be such a big deal, because I am always doing so much for them. As far as splitting the cost with my brother...he planned a 50th anniversary for them, at a restaurant with like 30 people,and assured me that if i went along with it I would just have to pay 1/3 (we have a sister) and I had to put the whole thing on my credit card. So you cant count on him at all for anything like that, I have learned.
We did used to go to Disney alot, before my autistic son was born, he will be 6 in July. Our lives really changed then as I quit my government job to care for him, and we had to sell our dvc. The tag fairy tag is back from those days before my son was born.
We have my parents over for every holiday, and many times throughout the year, and go out of our way to make things very special for them. We are the ones not my brother and sister. I am not complaining, I guess I just would hope my dad would be a little more understanding when I do not behave "perfectly" in his eyes. I do have alot going on in my life.

 

[Claudia1]

I think you gave your mom the best gift of all..... your time. If she had a wonderful day, then it was a welcomed gift.

In this day and age of busy lives and technology, we have lost the impact of personal touch and just being together without being in a rush.

For a mom that has everything she needs, she can still never get enough good times and memories with her family.

Sounds like you could have an interesting Father's Day, though.

 

[MerMom60_94]

the girls overnighter is something that was planned way ahead of time, and at 48 years old was the 3rd time Id done anything like that, the last time being 8 years ago. I went with my sons special ed teacher and another special needs parent and basically spent most of the time talking about our special needs kids, for what thats worth.
I truly think my mom never gave any of it a second thought...she had a great time and I dont think she felt slighted in the least. I never intended not to get her a gift or card, however feeling so poorly that is just the way things went down, and I guess I figured it wouldnt be such a big deal, because I am always doing so much for them. As far as splitting the cost with my brother...he planned a 50th anniversary for them, at a restaurant with like 30 people,and assured me that if i went along with it I would just have to pay 1/3 (we have a sister) and I had to put the whole thing on my credit card. So you cant count on him at all for anything like that, I have learned.
We did used to go to Disney alot, before my autistic son was born, he will be 6 in July. Our lives really changed then as I quit my government job to care for him, and we had to sell our dvc. The tag fairy tag is back from those days before my son was born.
We have my parents over for every holiday, and many times throughout the year, and go out of our way to make things very special for them. We are the ones not my brother and sister. I am not complaining, I guess I just would hope my dad would be a little more understanding when I do not behave "perfectly" in his eyes. I do have alot going on in my life.

EZ, it sounds to me like you are a good daughter to your mother and maybe because you care so much this feels really hurtful to you. Maybe LuvOrlando is on to something. You're a good daughter and your mother knows it, I am sure. The one thing I would say that you maybe need to do differently is let people know when you don't feel well. You are letting all of us know, but I don't get the feeling anyone else knew at the time. How can people cut you a little slack when they don't know how you are feeling?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Since you asked for honest opinions, here are the things that stand out to me (in no particular order):

You state a few times that you did not mention to anyone that you did not feel well, etc. People are not mind readers. How are your parents supposed to know to cut you a little slack if you do not tell them you are overwhelmed/sick/tired?

You say you are very close to your mother. Why didn't you just call her and tell her you did not feel well and reschedule? (related to above point).

You say you spent the meal attending to your autistic son. If he is truly so high needs as it sounds (I think you reference his needs three times in the first post alone and at least once in pretty much every other post--clearly he is a lot for you right now) then you probably did not really get to spend much time focusing on your another during the meal. SO basically she got no card, no treat on the meal and no real time with you. Next year, perhaps you can arrange with your DH that you will leave the kids at home and go out just you and your mom.

It sounds to me like many things are an issue for you right now. You are worn out from what is going on in your life and you took it all out on your dad. He may have been in the wrong about the card, but was it really necessary to go into all sorts of things that have been bugging you for years right then?

I realize that your son must be very, very hard to care for day in and day out. It sounds like you are just totally overwhelmed. Is it possible for you to get more help caring for him? Perhaps it would be better for you all if you go back to work, even if you only break even after paying for extra care for him. This is only a suggestion based on a tiny snippet of your life that you have posted here

I agree with others that if you asked what she wanted to do and then ate out at her suggestion then she was well within her rights to have thought you would be paying for her meal at the very least.

I also agree that if your father called it is likely your mom told him she was upset.

 

[4nana]

Honest opinion, I agree and don't think a card is the real issue here. Altho you've celebrated MDay almost every year with a gift and card, this year when you asked your Mom what she wanted, as a loving daughter you carried it out, even tho you didn't feel well. They probably assumed dinner was her gift. Even tho you do alot for your parents, you already know it would've been a nice gesture to pick up her tab on her special day . As a senior on a fixed income, I do know about budgets. Altho MDay is about family and not about gifts, cards, nor money, I take pride and will skimp on whatever it takes, so I can thank and praise my dear 80yo Mom in a suitable fashion . I'll admit, I'm blessed to be spoiled by our kids too.

Far as your Dad, I'm sorry he upset you. It sounds like you have alot going on in your life, however you both said some very hurtful things that hopefully can be forgiven. My dear Dad's been gone 7 yrs now and I'd give anything to him this Father's Day. Honestly, I'd rise above, life is short sweetie and this too shall pass. God Bless

 

[Darsa]

EZ, please don't be hard on yourself; I think you did the best thing you could possibly have done for your mom. And I **totally** hear where you're coming from in regards to paying for lunch; I have a nephew who will order cheaply UNLESS someone else is paying, then he makes a point to scout out the MOST expensive meal on the menu, NO joke or exaggeration at all. It's gotten to a point where dad is NOT allowed to speak up first because he likes to be able to pay for everyone and nephew takes full advantage of that. So I understand where you're coming from there.

I, also, can't believe that people would be so materialistic as to judge whether or not you gave your mom "enough stuff" for Mother's Day. My mom had been dead 6 weeks as of mother's day; I would have given anything and everything to have been able to just have another day to be able to spend with her. You gave your mom exactly what she should have, and I bet she appreciated that FAR more than a piece of paper someone else wrote words on. Honestly, people can be so ridiculous sometimes.

 

[sbell111]

Last saturday I went on an overnight trip with my girlfriends, something I have not done in 8 years. Unfortunately I was not feeling well and could only eat 2 bites of my dinner at a favorite restaurant. I returned home around 1pm mothers day and still felt pretty bad, although like many of us I mentioned this to no one. I had asked a few days before what my mom wanted to do for mothers day, and she wanted to go out to eat, so I knew I had to go do this at 5pm. In between this time, I let my husband go out being he had handled the kids the day before, and between taking care of my 5 year old with autism I tried to crash a little bit as I felt bad and was exhausted.
At 5 oclock I took my two kids to the restaurant and was with my parents and my brother. My mom, whom I am extremely close to, had a wonderful time. I was still not feeling good and had my hands full with my 5 year old autistic child at this restaurant for 2 hours, but didnt say a word and did my best to see that mom enjoyed herself. When the bill came I paid my familys share. If it had just been my parents I would have treated but my brother always orders the moon and never pays and I was darned if I was gonna pick up his tab.(long story there)
Anyway I have talked to my mom every day this week and things are wonderful between us. But this morning right after dealing with getting my non compliant autistic son to school, and getting a call from my daughters school nurse that she got hit in the face with a tennis ball, my dad calls and says something is on his mind...he saw the cards mom had gotten for mothers day and was wondering where mine was...very passive aggressively. Anyway...I wasnt gonna let him go there (he did the same thing when I didnt get her one once years ago) and told him...well...many things and didnt hold back. He basically treats my mother bad most of the time (verbally abusive) and then is gonna rag on me for not getting her a card when my mom just wanted to spend time together and could care less about a card or present. I told him it is more about how you treat a person every day, not like you can treat the crappy and get them a card and everythings ok...I dont play that. I told my father I was not gonna let him make me feel like I am not doing enough (after all, where do they come every holiday when I spend a fortune on food and everything) I also told him that he wasnt being truthful about just looking thru the cards now, I knew he had been stewing about it since mothers day when I showed up empty handed. Then he said I was calling him a liar, I said you know, Im not, Ill be the liar...you didnt see my card with the other cards?, yeah I gave her one and then hung up on him.
Very sad, I know. I guess Im just looking for imput here.

1. It was difficult to continue past "I let my husband go out", but I forced my way through.
2. Your father is right to be angry about you calling him untruthful. It is not appropriate for you to presume what others are thinking and call them a liar when your belief doesn't meld with thier stated position.
3. I wonder if your father wasn't put up to making the call. Lots of people have their spouses deal with the issue when they feel hurt. Even if he wasn't put up to it, he may have been subject to her angst over the issue and felt the need to call. I doubt that the mere fact that someone didn't give his wife a card prompted him to make the call, but I suppose that it is a little sweet if that did happen.
4. Either way, the only proper way for you to handle the issue would have been to apologize for not buying a card. You should have also paid for at least part of your mom's meal.
5. I have no idea what this thread has to do with autism.