Rules for teens?

[disneychrista]

The only ring that's close to 100% effective is the NuvaRing and that's 91-97% effective.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Hi @1GoldenSun Sorry your simple thread about curfews and driving has gone so far OT. Sometimes these things just take on a life of their own.

Yes, sorry! Hopefully the sidebar has been useful, though!

I understand the article but I couldn't disagree more with this part. I unapologetically believe that many girls are sickeningly exploited by boys in this regard.

I understand what you mean, but I think that boys aren't the only recipients. It's a generational thing that they seem to see in a different light than us old fogies do. I suppose we have social media and certain "influencers" to thank for its popularity, as well. On a positive note, pregnancy rates have declined significantly.

 

[disneychrista]

On a positive note, pregnancy rates have declined significantly.

I wondered if it was because less teens are having intercourse or better access to birth control. Either way it's a good thing.

 

[Cadiewampus]

Here, they get a junior operators license first. For the first six months they are not allowed to have anyone in the car with them other than siblings or adults. They are not allowed to drive their friends. This is both good and bad as it presents yet another thing that you have to say no to when they keep asking to let their friends in the car and telling you that everyone does it

Everyone does it. I used that quite a few times growing up. Always got same response from my mom " Well if everyone jumped off a building would you?"

 

[Hikergirl]

Of course, which is why I mentioned directly that we routinely discuss everything in my family. I was just referencing earlier posts were it was pretty much assumed that every kid was having sex in high school.

I know, I was just making a general statement not directed at you specifically.

 

[sharona]

Everyone does it. I used that quite a few times growing up. Always got same response from my mom " Well if everyone jumped off a building would you?"

I usually ask who everyone is then I say "Let me just give X's mom a call and make sure she knows about that..." This typically ends the discussion.

 

[okeydokey]

yes it does

Ha ha ha, now I know you are trolling.

 

[DisneyOma]

Did you miss the first part where she had condoms too?

Yup, missed that, sorry!

Back to the OP - my older daughter got to drive the car wherever she needed to go once she got her regular adult license. When she had the first, restricted license, she could only drive in our town and the ones directly attached Oh, and she could drive herself to the 7 AM Sunday skating lesson that was an hour away Those were our rules attached to the ones that came with the restricted license.

 

[verleniahall]

Ha ha ha, now I know you are trolling.

No - not a troll - but you have a God Blessed Day!

 

[mrodgers]

With a now 19 year old who worked full time over summer, going to school, and now dating a 25 year old from work (also where I work) I realize that I blinked and the time from 15 when she couldn't wait to get her license to now was gone.

We lived rural and they still do. They didn't do much. The oldest actually didn't get her license until after 17. We took them and picked them up for Friday night football games and she drove once she got her license. It was mostly the girls running to Sheetz for junk food.

Of course now mom is up in arms because she's out a lot. It's mom's car (daughter's car to drive but mom bought it.) She did have a talk with her that she is to answer texts on her phone or a tracker is going in the car because she didn't come home until 1 am or so. Can't do much about a 19 year old though, they are adults, but she can about the car.

She's also freaking out to me about the kid she's dating. Keeps texting me what do we do. Told her just to wait, it's the bad boy phase she's going through. He'll eventually go to the bar, pick up someone at the bar, and that will be the end to that.

 

[luvsJack]

With a now 19 year old who worked full time over summer, going to school, and now dating a 25 year old from work (also where I work) I realize that I blinked and the time from 15 when she couldn't wait to get her license to now was gone.

We lived rural and they still do. They didn't do much. The oldest actually didn't get her license until after 17. We took them and picked them up for Friday night football games and she drove once she got her license. It was mostly the girls running to Sheetz for junk food.

Of course now mom is up in arms because she's out a lot. It's mom's car (daughter's car to drive but mom bought it.) She did have a talk with her that she is to answer texts on her phone or a tracker is going in the car because she didn't come home until 1 am or so. Can't do much about a 19 year old though, they are adults, but she can about the car.

She's also freaking out to me about the kid she's dating. Keeps texting me what do we do. Told her just to wait, it's the bad boy phase she's going through. He'll eventually go to the bar, pick up someone at the bar, and that will be the end to that.

LOL don't count on it. DD met SIL when she was 18 and he was 22. I thought the SAME thing. He was used to going out and hanging in the bars and while they have a lot in common, that wasn't going to be one of them for a few years. So, I thought he would get tired of not being able to go out with her and start going without her and she would get tired of THAT and the end would be near. Well, now they are married. He completely changed and stopped going to the bars and started doing things like theme parks, bowling, the beach, movies, concerts, water parks --whatever they could do together. He said he liked doing that kind of stuff but everyone HIS age wanted to just go to the bars. Now she is 21 and they still do this same stuff and going out to a bar is very seldom.

 

[gtpoohbear]

When it comes down to it, most teens are going to find a way to do what they want to do. More rules just means more rebelling, and ultimately sneaking around. DD will be 16 tomorrow, and we really don't have anything that I would consider a "rule". Other than just generally knowing where she is going and what she is doing. She is old enough to know the potential consequences of acting irresponsibly, and that knowledge is much more effective at encouraging good decisions than my nagging will ever be.

 

[vinilxpatel]

whoa.

 

[Dan Murphy]

whoa.

Welcome to the dis, vini.

 

[fla4fun]

My parents were fairly strict, but there was always conversation regarding why rules were what they were. As we grew older and gained more understanding of how the world works, the rules made even more sense, and our parents would consider our input in setting any new rules. Because of the age appropriate open dialog throughout our childhood, neither my sister or I tried drugs, tried alcohol, or were sexually active as minors (although there were plenty of opportunities), because we understood that these were serious adult issues with potentially serious consequences (such as addiction, disease, pregnancy, etc.). It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows through the teen years, but we weren’t rebellious either.

As to the OP’s question, we weren’t allowed to date until 16. We couldn’t go out in a car with a date unless my parents knew him well and he had been driving for a minimum of six months with a clean driving record. Once I had my license, I could borrow a family car, but by asking each time not just taking one, and I had to say where I was going, and who I was going with, and an approximate return time. I did not have a curfew, but I generally didn’t go out on school nights by my own choice (I have always been an early to bed, early to rise kind of person). One of the house rules was to keep a good grade point average at all times, and privileges (including car dates) could be revoked if our grades went too low. All of the rules were communicated well ahead of when they would be enforced (for example, car dating was discussed around age 14, when heading into high school) so nothing was a surprise, and no rules were created in the heat of the moment. I never felt that my parents were being unfair since they explained the why of the rules instead of just demanding obedience.

Good luck!

 

[MrsPete]

What did you expect in terms of communication?

Communication is so important. From the time my kids were toddlers /barely able to follow rules, I found that if I was crystal-clear with my expectations, they behaved better. As teens, the same thing was true: if they were crystal-clear on rules and especially if they understood WHY we had this-or-that-rule, they were much more likely to follow the rules.

My kids were generally good teens, and I can count on one hand the number of times we had REAL trouble with them as teens -- and it was always over the car. When my oldest started high school she chaffed against our rules a bit /complained that "no one else's parents" cared a whit where they were, who they were with, etc., etc., etc. Over the course of her freshman year she saw some negative examples of kids getting themselves in various kinds of trouble, and she realized that we had protected her against her own naive self. She never SAID she realized we were right, but she stopped complaining ... and we started hearing our words (especially about drugs and alcohol) come out of her mouth /addressed towards her younger sister.

As for riding in the car with her boyfriend /other new drivers, you can set rules. Just 'cause the state says he can drive doesn't mean he can cart your kid around. Ideas to consider:

- What laws does your state impose upon new drivers? The state may be your best friend here. Find out whether new drivers are allowed to drive after dark, how many people may be in the car, etc.
- Consider saying she may only ride with him when it's the two of them -- not a whole crew of friends who are overly excited with their new freedom and are too much of a distraction for a new driver.
- Consider making "yes" conditional on where they're going. I'd be quicker to say "yes" to a mid-afternoon trip to McDonalds than to a crowded music festival two hours away that would end at 9:00 pm.
- At her age, I think she'd need to ask permission every time to go out with him in the car; that is, I don't think she's old enough to have "standing permission" to go out with him in the car any time.
- Consider talking to his parents /see how THEY feel about him driving her. I promise you, I've had this conversation with loads of other parents -- you are NOT ALONE in your concern about your young teen being in a car with a new driver.
- Make it clear that you always reserve the right to withdraw permission based upon weather. Maybe you've said "yes" to them going out next weekend ... then snow threatens. This boy is barely experienced in good road conditions. But make it clear to her that it's about the weather, not her or the boy.
- Make it clear that she is NEVER to get into the car with anyone who's been drinking or using drugs -- and that the consequences of breaking this rule would be too severe to contemplate. Likewise, tell her that if she ever feels unsafe with any driver, she can call you.
- Talk to her about texting and driving. Way too many teens (and adults) see no danger in this dangerous habit.
- Talk to HIM about driving your daughter around. I'm not saying be mean to the boy, but let him know you are showing great trust in him by allowing him to drive your daughter. Let him understand he literally has her life in his hands. Let him know you will set limits to protect her because you love her and she is your responsibility.

... As to curfew, we didn't exactly have one. DS needed to be home at whatever time we deemed was reasonable for the activity/occasion...

Yes, my mother used this method with us, and I used it with my teens. It takes more effort, but it makes sense.
You're going to a 7:00 movie? Okay, so I can expect you home 9:00 -9:15ish? You want to go to Sonic afterward? Okay, so 10:00 - 10:15? We're in agreement.
The concept of a curfew essentially says, Go do whatever you please until X:00. That's just not sensible.

... One last thing - your comment about your DD going to college; remember that 18 is quite a bit more mature than 15.

Yes, 15 and 18 are worlds apart.
Being out of high school also makes a huge difference. So many times I've run into a student just 6 months or a year after graduation, and they're so incredibly different.
In high school = very much still a child.

You also have to guard aganst the parents that use this type thinking "teens, are gonna drink, try some drugs and have sex" so I would rather them do it at my house where I know there safe" , noooooo, if you do any of that stuff you better hide it from me

Yeah, the idea of "I'd rather they do it in my house" is ridiculous. I hear all kind of things when students don't think I can hear them (kids say a lot of things quite brazenly -- things I never would've said near any adult), and kids brag about parents who let them drink or have sex in their house -- and they laugh at their parents, saying "They actually believe I only do it at home."

Our biggest problem has been with other parents, surprisingly. Co-Ed sleepover birthday “tent parties” are big here ... Another big deal around here is for parents to rent a hotel room at the Six Flags two hours away

I would not have allowed my teens to do these things either.
Well, I would've said yes to the hotel room ... but I would've gone along and would've been in the hotel room with them as chaperone.

The one thing we do emphasize is, our kids and their friends can always count on a ride from us. Always. Every. Single. Time.

Yes. We told our kids we would always, always, always come get them out of a situation ... and it's one reason I rarely drink /never had a drink while my teens were out of the house: I always wanted to be able to go get them.
We told them that consequences might follow the next day, but those consequences would always be lesser than if we discovered problem behavior later. And consequences would be better than being in a dangerous situation.

The second benefit of this is, when you chauffer kids around, they forget that you're there. You hear some pretty interesting stuff while driving your minivan around town--stuff that you might not hear any other way.

Yes, that's much like my above-comment about my students talking when I am sitting at my desk /can clearly hear them.

I just laughed as I remembered when I first moved out in college and had roomates, I would always announce what I was doing when I went out the door.. my roomates found that wierd. Maybe it was just me programmed to always say what i was doing. It is a nice thing to let people know what your general plans are.

Yes, that just makes sense to me: my husband and I do that here at home. I'll say, "I'm going to run some errands after work, so I'll be home about an hour late." And he'll reply, "Okay, are you going by Target? Pick up ___ for me. I'll be home at the regular time -- I'll start the grill for burgers" or whatever. No one's trying to control anyone's choices -- it's just courtesy.
When our oldest came home from college /was working nights at the hospital, we had her write her schedule on the calendar. It wasn't a way to try to control her or to keep tabs on her; rather, it was about knowing whether she'd be home for meals. Since she's a vegetarian, we tried to plan meatless meals on her nights off. Again, communication. She understood WHY we wanted this information, and it was never a source of conflict.

Having said that - my children are in 9th and 10th grade and we routinely talk about drinkign/drugs/boyfriends/girlfriends/and sex at the dinner table.

Agree with the conversations, not loving discussing sex with children at the dinner table. The car is a good place because you don't have to look at one another. I've heard it said, Listen to your 2-year old, and she will listen to you when she's a teen; it's about relationship building.

And start these conversations LONG before the possibility of these activities arises. I'm quite sure that children recognize the concepts of sex, drugs, etc. in elementary school (hopefully upper elementary school) ... by the end of middle school they've decided whether they will do these things ... and in high school they have the opportunity to put those plans in action.

But also - my daughter knows I will put her on the pill in a heartbeat if she asks. Condoms are available.

Doctors seem to look for excuses to put teen girls on the pill these days: irregular periods, etc.

And just because we're that family - we've sat at the dinner table and talked about "lines". Like what will they allow? Will they allow someone to kiss them? Will they let someone touch them over the clothes? What about under the clothes? What about taking clothes off?

Again, good content, but I wouldn't want to have these discussions at the dinner table -- I had three brothers; that would not have been fun. Definitely discuss the dangers incumbent in these choices.
I'm thinking about one of my students -- several years ago -- who was afraid she was pregnant, and she asked me to go to the school nurse with her for a test. She was crying, and she said she'd thought they'd just take their clothes off and fool around a bit -- she didn't think it would lead to intercourse. From the conversation that followed, I was shocked that she didn't seem to grasp that if you don't want to have intercourse, keeping your clothes on might be a good idea.

The more rules you impose, the more your kids will push against them and do what they want.

Totally disagree. The thing is, kids have to understand WHY you have this-or-that rule. Kids may push back against a random list thrown at them, but they are much more likely to follow rules if they understand that the rules are intended to keep them safe /what can happen if they aren't safe.
Also, kids need to understand that their future is worth waiting for; that is, that sex isn't something you share with a boy you like -- it's something you save for the man you love. They need to see that respecting your body /making good choices about drugs, sex, etc. will lead to a better future.
Believing your rules are useless is giving up before the battle begins.

According to an NiH study, along with many other studies, abstinence-based sex education often has the opposite effect.

I think it depends ... saying NO, NO, NO sex -- that's it! is certainly likely to lead to ignorant decisions.
On the other hand, a kid who fully understands WHY waiting is a wise choice /who understands HOW a disease or a baby would be life-changing /who understands that a single decision or a few moments can genuinely alter the course of a life ... a kid who fully understands how birth control works /not that you're encouraging its use now, but that they will need it eventually ... that kid is more likely to wait longer to have sex and is more likely to use effective protection when the time comes.
It's all about the difference in laying down the law vs. helping the teen come to a smart decision. Both may encourage abstinence, but one encourages in a realistic way.

Because of the age appropriate open dialog throughout our childhood, neither my sister or I tried drugs, tried alcohol, or were sexually active as minors (although there were plenty of opportunities), because we understood that these were serious adult issues with potentially serious consequences (such as addiction, disease, pregnancy, etc.). It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows through the teen years, but we weren’t rebellious either.

Yes, I'm one of five kids, and ALL of us could say the same thing. My two kids, who are now mid-20s, could say the same thing.

 

[HiStitch626]

When I was in high school I had a curfew and so did the car. I was required to record mileage when I used the car to avoid just cruising around. My dad knew how far things were from our home so if I said I was doing A, B and C, he knew that would be no more than 30 miles total. I did lose driving privileges once for not being honest. It never happened again. My curfew was based on what I was doing. Saturday nights could be late, as long as I as was up for 8am Mass on Sunday!

The one thing we do emphasize is, our kids and their friends can always count on a ride from us. Always. Every. Single. Time. This has a two-fold purpose. One is, my kids or their friends can call us at any time, and we'll get them, no questions asked. I'm not going to cover for them with their parents, and they'll face whatever consequences in the cold light of day, but we will get them to safety.

THIS. I made a serious error in judgment when I was still in high school involving a guy I did not know well. I was 20 miles from home and it was 2am and my mom came to get me anyway, as I knew she would. There was no lecture that night, but there were repercussions later. We have no children, but my niece and nephews know that I would always come and get them.

 

[MrsPete]

I was 20 miles from home and it was 2am and my mom came to get me anyway, as I knew she would.

Yep, when our kids were teens, many Friday nights I'd half-snooze on the sofa with my phone on my chest until they came home.

 

[Cheburashka]

While this is very true. You, as the parent, don't have a choice in whether they do or not.

Yes, you absolutely do. Bringing a child up with strong moral values (combined with a strong, positive relationship between parent and child) has a strong effect on their behavior. Proper chaperoning prevents them from being alone with the opposite sex for extended periods while too young to deal with the ramifications of a poor choice. No drivers' license until age 18, no unchaperoned parties/late evenings out, etc. No single one of these is a silver bullet, but when put together, they make underage sex very unlikely.

Too many parents just give in to the popular notion that teens have to be given the full freedom that adults are given, with minimal moral guidance to help them navigate a challenging time of their lives.

 

[mjkacmom]

Yes, you absolutely do. Bringing a child up with strong moral values (combined with a strong, positive relationship between parent and child) has a strong effect on their behavior. Proper chaperoning prevents them from being alone with the opposite sex for extended periods while too young to deal with the ramifications of a poor choice. No drivers' license until age 18, no unchaperoned parties/late evenings out, etc. No single one of these is a silver bullet, but when put together, they make underage sex very unlikely.

Too many parents just give in to the popular notion that teens have to be given the full freedom that adults are given, with minimal moral guidance to help them navigate a challenging time of their lives.

So basically giving them no freedom until the magical age of 18, that sounds emotionally healthy, and the only reason is to prevent them from having sex? That should make for an interesting college experience, actually dangerous.