Ridiculous wedding expectations

[Judique]

DH was asked to be a groomsman at one of his close friends wedding. They live far from us so it is already going to cost us over $1000 between flights and hotel for the weekend which we are fine with until yesterday.

DH got an email from the best man they want to take the groom on an Alaskan fishing trip for his bachelor party. Of course they would have to split the grooms cost on top of his portion of the trip. We are thinking no way DH doesn't even like to fish! I feel weddings have gotten completely out of hand it is not like we have been married that long, but I would have never except my wedding party to pay for something so ridiculous for me unless they were Bill gates. Sorry I just needed to vent. To make matters worst this friend didn't come to our wedding because plane tickets were too expensive .

Does your husband want to go? I'm hearing he doesn't like to fish, 'we' are thinking no way,etc, but you haven't actually said what his thoughts are.

In fact it appears the decision has been put on hold until you come back from Disney.

You also said you could afford it but you've made it clear you don't want to spend the money.

This needs to be your husband's decision as it is his trip.

I think you are venting loudly because you just don't want him to go. You should let him make a decision here and also let him enjoy this without feeling guilty about your opinion if he really wants to go and the budget can afford it.

The friend is a lucky guy in that he has people who do want to treat him and themselves to a great adventure.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I had a destination bridal shower/bachelorette party as a 3 night cruise out of Miami. My mom and my maid of honor organized it. The cruise cost $259 and airfare was in the $150 range for most people. It was a few girlfriends, plus my mom, my MIL, my aunt and my grandma. I paid for myself and I split the cost of my aunt's fare with my mom as well. She was super excited about the trip, but had financial troubles at the last minute, so we worked it out.

In my defense, everyone except one person in my bridal party and all of my family live 6+ hours drive from me and in all different places (New York, Kansas, Illinois, Ohio, Toronto). Everyone would have had to fly to attend an event no matter what and flying to where I live now or my hometown for a combined shower/bachelorette didn't seem that fun. It would actually have been more expensive and logistically harder than the cruise for most people.

Only one bridesmaid couldn't attend, but that was due to work, not expenses. And I was so happy that everyone came, so I made up goodie bags with a linen scarf, a floppy sun hat and a carry-all leather bag with an anchor for each person. It was a great time and I don't think it was too excessive. But I would not have been upset if anyone declined due to costs. And honestly, depending on the type of event, hosting a bridal shower and bachelorette party locally could have ended up costing as much as the cruise did given food, alcohol and space rental costs.

But a $4500 trip to Alaska? I would definitely decline.

Ok I did say I'm completely against destination bachelorette parties but if it was someone REALLY close to me and budget friendly like this I would go. But they would have to be really close friends or family and people I would actually like to vacation with.

I am going to a destination wedding next year but they are doing local
Bachelor parties.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Does your husband want to go? I'm hearing he doesn't like to fish, 'we' are thinking no way,etc, but you haven't actually said what his thoughts are.

In fact it appears the decision has been put on hold until you come back from Disney.

You also said you could afford it but you've made it clear you don't want to spend the money.

This needs to be your husband's decision as it is his trip.

I think you are venting loudly because you just don't want him to go. You should let him make a decision here and also let him enjoy this without feeling guilty about your opinion if he really wants to go and the budget can afford it.

The friend is a lucky guy in that he has people who do want to treat him and themselves to a great adventure.

At $4500 that would be a WE decision in my house. I would veto that. $1500 for Vegas for his best friend or close family sure. But I would never entertain a $4500 bachelorette party for myself to go to and I know he would veto that too.

 

[Jen and Ashwin]

Ok I did say I'm completely against destination bachelorette parties but if it was someone REALLY close to me and budget friendly like this I would go. But they would have to be really close friends or family and people I would actually like to vacation with.

I am going to a destination wedding next year but they are doing local Bachelor parties.

I wouldn't have agreed to the cruise if it wasn't as budget friendly and given my unique situation where everyone was coming from all over the country. It was also one single event, rather than having separate shower and bachelorette parties. It was most expensive for my MIL, who flew in from Toronto, but my DH covered all of her expenses because he wanted to treat his mom to a nice trip. My mom and my MIL roomed together and had an awesome time. They stayed up late into the night, chatting and having fun, almost like they were young girls at a sleepover. They have such a good relationship now and call each other every couple weeks just to chat. It makes DH and I really happy to know that our families get along so well.

I told people that I didn't want any shower gifts. Just attending the cruise and celebrating with me was gift enough. My mom was able to organize a conference room for one of the nights of the cruise to host the shower. The space was free and they ordered a small cake and a few bottles of champagne. We played shower games that my mom and MOH put together. My mom brought some prizes (little Vera Bradely bags and accessories) for the winners. They even ordered a few nautical themed decorations for our stateroom doors that said, "Jennifer's last sail before the veil." It was super cute, but all very low cost.

And one of the best parts of the trip was splitting the cost of a private cabana at CocoCay (about $15 per person). We didn't have to fight for space on the beach, my grandma had a nice shady spot to chill, we had access to a private lunch buffet and bar and it included the snorkel equipment and body boards, which the younger ladies all took advantage of. Overall, I have no regrets of having a destination shower/bachelorette.

 

[disneychrista]

A bit OT but just have to say it . . . If people put half the amount of effort into the marriage as they do the wedding (aka party) there wouldn't be as many divorces.

 

[mjkacmom]

DH didn't go on a 4 night golf outing when he was in the wedding party. I was pregnant, and in graduate school full time. We were saving up for a down payment for a house, and had no money for extras like plane tickets, hotel, golf, meals out, and lots of drinking.

Not all of my wedding party came to my shower or bachelorette party. They lived all over the country, and had to fly in for the wedding.

 

[CaliTex]

Wow. Hate to be a wet blanket, but I'm afraid I do not understand these destination bachlorette and bachelor parties. Or, really, the bachlorette party thing, period.

They just weren't the done thing much when I was that age group. A nice shower, thrown by an aunt, maybe another one by the work friends or church friends, and one must be careful to not seem avaricious about things, expecting showers or gifts.

So the idea that one would expect one's wedding party to help pay the way for the bride or groom is...quite simply, beyond the pale. Am I the only here that believes it is beyond rude to ask and expect and therefore IMPOSE on the time and finances of others-- for what is not their choice? If one takes time off work to go fishing in Alaska, what then becomes of the family vacation time?

Or have we all morphed into some aristocratic landed gentry class with oodles and oodles of free time? And wait! I have more rant....

...club-hopping and strippers? For the bachelorette party? Let's party like it's 476 AD, eh?

BUT HEY! I'M OLD! I was, in fact, born old, so don't mind me. I was never *that* age when I was *that* age--and I was raised that nice girls simply did not go to bars or clubs, especially not unchaperoned. I harken back to an era in the olden days of yore when being a "nice girl" was considered an asset, not a liability.
And a stripper??? A male stripper? I think not. Disgusting and possibly...somehow...diseased. The mind boggles. The body throws up in its own mouth.

I must ask why we women so often feel we must express our equality by emulating the lowest common denominator of male behavior?

And: Anyone paying any attention to the state of the economy we face going forward? Buy a home. Pay off any and all debt. Invest in your own futures. Please.

That said, if it is within an affordable budget, and presents a nice opportunity to get together and enjoy some time with friends and family, go for it! The 3 day affordable cruise thing sounds lovely, actually.

Bottom line here really seems to be that it is not so much a question of what may or may not be affordable, but more about being respectful of the budgets and the time of others. It is poor form to potentially embarrass and put others on the spot by asking them to attend and pay for something that is as extravagant as fishing in Alaska. Unless you all live in Juneau. Otherwise these things just put people on the spot in a way that is simply not cool. Life is about more than having adventures and getting ones own way, KWIM? It's to do with kindness and respect and not feeling entitled at every turn.

Lecturing. I know. I apologize. I only do it because I care.

As for the specific case of the OP, honestly, this is a non-issue. Just say no, and make it clear you will not be paying some invoice for the honor of being in the groom's party. Fishing in Alaska? Why not salmon fly-fishing in Scotland, led by a ghillie? Or grouse hunting in England, with a stay at Downton Abbey at the weekend? I'm sure that, when split 7 ways, it would be a mere 11K or so. <snort>

Good luck. I am glad I am not a young person today. The waters are fairly unnavigable, and much murkier without the clarity good manners provides.

 

[CaliTex]

GAW! I sound like such an old fuddy. Sigh.

I suspect it is because I am.

 

[Princess Minnie321]

I agree that these expensive bacherlor/bacherette parties are crazy. When I got married, our parties cost our bridesmaids and groomsmen under $200 each. I had a spa day and we went out to dinner. My DH went to a local casino and to save money, stayed at a hotel off property. My DH paid for his own gambling. I never would have expected a party that cost thousands. I am also glad I did not have to attend any of these high cost parties for my friends. All the weddings I was in had parties that cost around $200 per person.

My brother wanted to go to Vegas. The cost was $1800 for hotel and flights per person plus splitting the cost of the groom plus food and expenses in Vegas. My DH did not go. We can afford it, but it is a lot of money to spend on a trip for just him and not the family.

 

[afan]

I think if the bride or groom wants a destination party they need to pay their own way. Of the bridesmaids or groomsman decide they all want to do a trip for the bride or groom then they should split the cost. I don't agree with the bride or groom dictating what they want and then expecting the others to pay
I've had friends complain when this has happened to them but went along with it anyway.

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

GAW! I sound like such an old fuddy. Sigh.

I suspect it is because I am.

I'm right there with you. Reading on message boards about what brides go through these days, and what the expectations are, makes me so happy that we got married young (at 23) 19 years ago. I enjoy watching Say Yes to the Dress, but gasp when the dress budgets are more than my entire wedding cost. My mom told me I could spend $500 on my dress and veil; I found the dress on clearance and she picked the veil to go with it, and it was more than $500 total, but she loved it and said it was worth it. We got married in my home church in an afternoon wedding, followed by a simple reception. We were on our way to our honeymoon destination (Disney!) by 5:00. I think our photography was about $1000, flowers were maybe $500, catering $1000. Our total was likely under $5000. I didn't have a bachelorette party - I was just thrilled my BFF was able to fly in to be my matron of honor and wouldn't have asked her for another thing. I think my husband and his best man went to Outback for a drink while they waited for another groomsman's plane to arrive. I think back fondly on our wedding day, but it's the marriage that I treasure, not the memories of a single day.

 

[kymom99]

I agree with those who say this money should be spent for a house or other expenses that come with a new family. Years from now these people could be on here trying to find ways to cut expenses and get out of debt. Times have changed and all that, but that doesn't make it a good idea.

My niece got married a few years ago. her bachelorette party was dinner at a Mexican restaurant and a night in some local bars. her friends paraded her around in a sash and all that silly stuff. Her husband and his friends went to a baseball game. I think with a lot of people its all about outdoing others. And as mentioned before, posting it all on social media.

 

[Jen and Ashwin]

I agree with those who say this money should be spent for a house or other expenses that come with a new family. Years from now these people could be on here trying to find ways to cut expenses and get out of debt. Times have changed and all that, but that doesn't make it a good idea.

My niece got married a few years ago. her bachelorette party was dinner at a Mexican restaurant and a night in some local bars. her friends paraded her around in a sash and all that silly stuff. Her husband and his friends went to a baseball game. I think with a lot of people its all about outdoing others. And as mentioned before, posting it all on social media.

I do think it is very different depending on the age at which you get married. I was 31 when I got married last year. I have a good, steady job. I already own my house, so no need to save for a down payment. I don't have student loans. My car is loan is mostly paid off. Most of my friends and family are in similar positions, so taking a 3 night cruise with flights for $400 per person wasn't a huge imposition. But if I had gotten married at 26, right out of graduate school, it would have been very different for me.

And I didn't post anything on social media. That isn't my style.

 

[crisi]

I thinks its very different depending on when you were married and what your financial situation is - and that of your friends. If your friends are all childless with fairly high income - with few debts, knock yourself out. But when some of your friends don't have high incomes, or some of them have young kids at home - that makes any sort of destination thing difficult.

One of my fifty year old friends has a pre-schooler - we have teenagers - he's finally figured out why we had so much less time and money for this sort of thing when our kids were young. And now, of course, ours are teenagers - we are seeing a time shortly when we will have both time and money once they've left the nest - he's fifteen years from that.

 

[Shanti]

DH was asked to be a groomsman at one of his close friends wedding. They live far from us so it is already going to cost us over $1000 between flights and hotel for the weekend which we are fine with until yesterday.

DH got an email from the best man they want to take the groom on an Alaskan fishing trip for his bachelor party. Of course they would have to split the grooms cost on top of his portion of the trip. We are thinking no way DH doesn't even like to fish! I feel weddings have gotten completely out of hand it is not like we have been married that long, but I would have never except my wedding party to pay for something so ridiculous for me unless they were Bill gates. Sorry I just needed to vent. To make matters worst this friend didn't come to our wedding because plane tickets were too expensive .

This is the part where your DH says, "No, thanks. I won't be able to do that." Over and over again, if necessary. Getting married doesn't entitle anyone to bankrupt their friends.

 

[momof2gr8kids]

GAW! I sound like such an old fuddy. Sigh.

I suspect it is because I am.

No you're not. I also think it's extremely rude for the groom to have that expectation of his groomsmen to pay out that much for a bachelor party.

 

[crazymomof4]

Very ironically..... My DH's much younger brother just left and just prior to his leaving we had been discussing this trend of wedding expectations. (after he left I came on disboards and THIS is the first thread I looked at!) Anyway, I was praising he and his new wife for their decision to have their wedding (last Sept) near-by so everyone could be present (not just those who were well enough to travel and could afford it-as with destination weddings) And at the reception they paid special honor to his and her parents and extra special honor to her very aged grandfather (who would have been left out of a "destination wedding" and actually passed away not long after).
My bestfriend's daughter got engaged recently and they are considering a "destination wedding" in FL. It will be very soon after our Sept WDW trip and so will be a tough *bill* to swallow paying for airfare, hotel and car rental (like another whole vaca) on top of the usual shower and wedding gifts immediately after shelling out for WDW. But I HAVE to attend regardless. DH says he will not attend (bc he thinks its ridiculous to expect guests to spend vacation-type $ just to attend a wedding) so maybe just DD and I will make the trip. --sigh--

OP I truly feel for you and your vent is totally justifiable IMO. I agree with many others here who suggest that your DH politely decline on the Alaska trip.

 

[crazymomof4]

I think sometimes the bride and groom forget that while they're getting married is once in a lifetime for them, attending weddings and bachelor/ette parties is not a once in a lifetime event, so the expense can really stick in your craw after a few of them.
.

You hit the nail on the head right there!

 

[crazymomof4]

We do have the cost I posted in a couple of follow up replies. It is $2200 per person for lodging and fishing expedition. We looked at tickets from our airport it is $667. We are assuming at least $100 a day for food. That is another $800. Reno and Vegas are both cheap vacation destination and Alaska is not. That comes out to $3667 for DH part alone. Divide that by 4 it is $916 for the grooms part. That is a total of $4584 we will have to pay.

OMG!! Now I'm just mad!!! This is pure craziness! Over the top and then some!!
"Just Say NO!"... to the craziness.

 

[KnittingMom]

You should NOT feel obliged to be part of an Alaskan bachelor party, esp for a man who skipped your wedding due to the cost of plane tickets. Simply say, over and over again, "It's not in our budget," and don't feel guilty.

DH was asked to be a groomsman at one of his close friends wedding. They live far from us so it is already going to cost us over $1000 between flights and hotel for the weekend which we are fine with until yesterday.

DH got an email from the best man they want to take the groom on an Alaskan fishing trip for his bachelor party. Of course they would have to split the grooms cost on top of his portion of the trip. We are thinking no way DH doesn't even like to fish! I feel weddings have gotten completely out of hand it is not like we have been married that long, but I would have never except my wedding party to pay for something so ridiculous for me unless they were Bill gates. Sorry I just needed to vent. To make matters worst this friend didn't come to our wedding because plane tickets were too expensive .