RIDGE INTRODUCES TERRY, THE TERROR-ALERT TERRIER
Pooch to Become Official Homeland Security Spokesdog
At a press conference in Washington today, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge introduced a dog that will become the public face of the Homeland Security Department, effective immediately.
The dog, known as Terry, the Terror-Alert Terrier, will bark out all future national terror alerts while sitting on Mr. Ridges lap.
The decision to employ Terry as the Homeland Security Departments spokesdog was inspired by an unfortunate incident last week, when all of the networks cut away from a speech by Mr. Ridge to cover breaking news of a cute dog being rescued from an icy New Jersey river.
We decided that if we want the networks to stay on Ridge, wed better get a dog in the same shot as him, one source at the Homeland Security Department said.
In the press briefing, Mr. Ridge said that Terry the Terror-Alert Terrier underwent a crash-course in the color-coded terror alert system in order to prepare for his important new role.
Its safe to say that this dog understands the terror-alert system as well as or better than I do, Mr. Ridge said.
In future Homeland Security announcements to the American people, Terry will bark once for a yellow alert and twice for an orange alert, Mr. Ridge said, adding, In the event of a red or severe alert, Terry will simply roll over and play dead.
In other news, the Bush administration today ordered a large supply of duct tape and plastic sheeting in order to seal French President Jacques Chirac in what the White House called an air-tight cocoon.
*****BOROWITZ REPORT*****
Pooch to Become Official Homeland Security Spokesdog
At a press conference in Washington today, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge introduced a dog that will become the public face of the Homeland Security Department, effective immediately.
The dog, known as Terry, the Terror-Alert Terrier, will bark out all future national terror alerts while sitting on Mr. Ridges lap.
The decision to employ Terry as the Homeland Security Departments spokesdog was inspired by an unfortunate incident last week, when all of the networks cut away from a speech by Mr. Ridge to cover breaking news of a cute dog being rescued from an icy New Jersey river.
We decided that if we want the networks to stay on Ridge, wed better get a dog in the same shot as him, one source at the Homeland Security Department said.
In the press briefing, Mr. Ridge said that Terry the Terror-Alert Terrier underwent a crash-course in the color-coded terror alert system in order to prepare for his important new role.
Its safe to say that this dog understands the terror-alert system as well as or better than I do, Mr. Ridge said.
In future Homeland Security announcements to the American people, Terry will bark once for a yellow alert and twice for an orange alert, Mr. Ridge said, adding, In the event of a red or severe alert, Terry will simply roll over and play dead.
In other news, the Bush administration today ordered a large supply of duct tape and plastic sheeting in order to seal French President Jacques Chirac in what the White House called an air-tight cocoon.
*****BOROWITZ REPORT*****
