Retired in-laws and new vehicles (grumble, not rant)

Maybe there's no inheritance for then to collect in the end. I know I have a friend her parents are the same way. No money in saving nothing to leave behind and they are mad about it. They talk about how they will have to take care of them someday. No life insurance either. They talk about how there parents has spent money for years. But what about when they were growing up. I'm sure that money was spent on them too.





My IL are the opposite. They have saved for years. They are both retired and in there 80's, have gone on trips every year for the last 20 years. They own our mortgage. We have paid them every month for over 20 years. They have only spend very little of that money. So the money will come back to us and my DH sibling. Their funeral is all paid for so no one has to deal with that. Every time they go on a trip they always tell us that "they are spending our inheritance" I say spend it. No parent is responsible to leaving their kids or grandkids money.
 
It would bother me too.

If they don't buy new cars, they'd stop having payments to make. They could save money. They'd be in a better financial situation.

For people without any retirement savings or pension, the chances of their needing someone in their extended family to take them in at some point seems pretty large. I'd be afraid of this as well. It disrupts everyone's lives.
 
I wasn't being rude or judgemental.


:sad2: No need to be rude or so judgemental. :confused3

OP I feel for you. Just be there to listen to DH and support him. Hopefully it will never come down to you having to take them in. I feel like that about my own parents. They do not have a penny to their names and spend everything each week. But they have mulitple cars etc etc. My dad is a junk, ahem, antique... collector and tells us that that will be our inheritance. :rotfl: I tell him that when he goes I will just call the garbage company... Sometimes you just can't change people.
 
I agree with you.


I'm a little confused. You say you're upset because your husband is upset. I get that part. But why is he upset? All I have read is that they chose to work after retirement because they prefer newer cars? And their jobs prevent them from attending their grandchildren's activites?

What am I missing? :confused3
 

I agree with you.

DH is upset because his parents' kids/grandkids/greatgrandkids are missing out on spending time with them because they have to work specifically to pay for these new vehicles. Whenever one of us calls them and invites them to something, it's "oh I have to work" or "I'll be too tired from work". We've raised our little ones to *enjoy* spending time with grandma and grandpa, but it's hard when grandma and grandpa are either busy working or too tired to spend time with them.

Plus it leaves them VERY little emergency fund or "extras" money. Food, utilities, medicines, vehicle payments...that's about it. We know that's their choice, but when something bad happens (as it will to most all of us someday), DH and his siblings are going to be left to either pay to help them out or take them in.

Terri
 
DH is upset because his parents' kids/grandkids/greatgrandkids are missing out on spending time with them because they have to work specifically to pay for these new vehicles. Whenever one of us calls them and invites them to something, it's "oh I have to work" or "I'll be too tired from work". We've raised our little ones to *enjoy* spending time with grandma and grandpa, but it's hard when grandma and grandpa are either busy working or too tired to spend time with them.

Plus it leaves them VERY little emergency fund or "extras" money. Food, utilities, medicines, vehicle payments...that's about it. We know that's their choice, but when something bad happens (as it will to most all of us someday), DH and his siblings are going to be left to either pay to help them out or take them in.

Terri

Are you sure they're just working to pay for their cars? Have either of them specifically said that?

Are you sure your inlaws *enjoy* spending time with the grandchildren? Sad as it is to say, not everyone does.

I believe you said earlier that they have not asked you for money so as a PP said, worry or being upset about something that hasn't happened is wasted energy and emotion.

And are you really sure that your husband's frustration isn't really about them making a different choice than he would? That's what it really sounds like to me.
 
Believe me, I know their financials, unfortunately, to the penny. DSIL and I have helped them out many a time over the years when they've gotten in over their heads with unexpected expenses (helping them make out budgets, talking to insurance companies, etc). They've always been "live for the moment" people, and have never squirelled anything away for a rainy day (or retirement).

We all do contribute to them financially, but not in ways that I'm comfortable discussing on a public bulletin board. It's all legal eagle, and done through attorneys, and we don't begrudge them a cent.

We all just hate to see them work so hard physically at an age when they should be able to relax and enjoy themselves, just in order to drive a "new" vehicle. Really!

Terri
 
Thank you for this happy, rational explanation! DH was just really upset this last week because he rarely gets back to where we grew up except for holidays. He called his mom to ask when she'd be serving dinner on Thanksgiving since she's always made a big deal of having "the big three" holidays at their house. Her answer, "It's going to be at X's house instead since I won't know my work schedule until the week before and I won't have the time or energy to have it at my house. I don't even know if I'll make it there depending on how tired I am after work."

I literally wrote on a piece of paper for him to read to her, "That's too bad, we'll miss you, and hope to see you sometime during the two days that we're there."

He really winced while he was saying it, though.

My mantra is "people over things".....but that's just me.

Terri

And that's what makes it so mind boggling for us. I wrote on another thread my love for coach bags and I do love them but the day I miss out on a family barbeque because I have to work to pay for it is the day my love affair ends.

A few years back we had a huge family reunion at WDW. It wsa fabulous, very well planned where everyone stayed at their comfort level from value to super uber deluxe and of course my brother couldn't/didn't make it (for a number of reasons including being broke). Now we are getting up in age (he's the baby at 50) and if it wasn't for him living in the house my parents left he'd be sol. No pension, no savings and now his health is failing. When I ask him if he's worried about what's he going to do when he's 70, he just shrugs his shoulders and says..."I'm cool". Really dude? I guess he figures there is nothing he can do now so why worry....

I don't know, I've made some bone headed decisions with my money myself so I'm never in a position to judge but I do know I don't want to work until I drop from exhaustion.

I do hope you guys can find a happy medium, unfortunately it's easy to lead a horse to water but very hard to make them drink.
 
If your parent in laws don't want to grow up and save money for when they are old that is there own fault. It shouldn't be up to your husband and his brothers or sisters to pay there way. They have had 40 something years to plan for there future and if they didn't then that's there issue not yours or your husbands. I quess they will just have to have the goverment to try to fix there screw up. But don't hold your breath on that.


DH is upset because his parents' kids/grandkids/greatgrandkids are missing out on spending time with them because they have to work specifically to pay for these new vehicles. Whenever one of us calls them and invites them to something, it's "oh I have to work" or "I'll be too tired from work". We've raised our little ones to *enjoy* spending time with grandma and grandpa, but it's hard when grandma and grandpa are either busy working or too tired to spend time with them.

Plus it leaves them VERY little emergency fund or "extras" money. Food, utilities, medicines, vehicle payments...that's about it. We know that's their choice, but when something bad happens (as it will to most all of us someday), DH and his siblings are going to be left to either pay to help them out or take them in.

Terri
 
If your parent in laws don't want to grow up and save money for when they are old that is there own fault. It shouldn't be up to your husband and his brothers or sisters to pay there way. They have had 40 something years to plan for there future and if they didn't then that's there issue not yours or your husbands. I quess they will just have to have the goverment to try to fix there screw up. But don't hold your breath on that.

I hope for everyone's sake that your parents never fall on hard times. My parents have saved a ton and OF NOT FAULT OF THEIR OWN my mom is currently residing in skilled care facility which is "affordable" and will hit $83,000 for the year. It is one of the "cheaper"ones. They don't take Medicaid because they don't have too. The ones that do (because you can not afford your own care) are not the greatest.

You never know what is down the road for your seemingly capable parents, well prepared or not. As Robin said, you have your head in the sand. And many can stay there blissfully, but for those of us who have dealt with it, you have no idea what's coming.

I totally sympathize with you Terri. We can tell ourselves all we want that it is not our problem, and that might help for now, but the bigger issue is that you know what lies ahead, and it isn't going to be pretty. Besides, you care about them after all. I would encourage you to take yourself (and DH) off the hook for now while they are capable. Your response to their call about Thanksgiving is spot on! Hang in there.
 
If they are driving that little and replacing that often, a lease might actually make more sense for them.

Most definitely.


Then you have your head firmly in the sand. Elderly parents don't live in a vacuum and it falls to the children to support them once they have frittered away their money to pay for unnecessary items like new cars.

Yep. To either support them or help them find their way through the morass of Medicaid, etc etc.

It's easy to *say* "you're on your own!" in your mind. It's much harder to say it out loud to that person.

Whew, you're lucky because I just erased a rant about my MIL and late FIL! We're dealing with cleaning up messes that they made throughout their entire lives, and MIL is continuing to do ridiculous things with her money, and it's just super-duper frustrating. Due to a series of strokes, she has now forgotten the strides we have made in the last 2 years that got her to actually like me, so now I am helping someone who doesn't know why I'm helping, since she doesn't like me. Very VERY frustrating. So I figure I'm in a position that the OP will be in in a few years...




Maybe there's no inheritance for then to collect in the end.

While I'm sure there are people like that, if you simply read what the OP has said, there's no reason at all to assume such a reason here. The OP quite obviously wishes that the parents would settle in with their cars and not have to make payments, so that they could stop working and just enjoy themselves. If they OP wanted money, she would WANT them to work to earn more. Right?
 
Believe me, I know their financials, unfortunately, to the penny. DSIL and I have helped them out many a time over the years when they've gotten in over their heads with unexpected expenses (helping them make out budgets, talking to insurance companies, etc). They've always been "live for the moment" people, and have never squirelled anything away for a rainy day (or retirement).

We all do contribute to them financially, but not in ways that I'm comfortable discussing on a public bulletin board. It's all legal eagle, and done through attorneys, and we don't begrudge them a cent.

We all just hate to see them work so hard physically at an age when they should be able to relax and enjoy themselves, just in order to drive a "new" vehicle. Really!

Terri

Stop doing so then maybe they will realize where there money should go.

It's one thing to help someone that cannot help themselves it is quite another to keep contributing money to someone that then spends foolishly.

Denise in MI
 
If your parent in laws don't want to grow up and save money for when they are old that is there own fault. It shouldn't be up to your husband and his brothers or sisters to pay there way. They have had 40 something years to plan for there future and if they didn't then that's there issue not yours or your husbands. I quess they will just have to have the goverment to try to fix there screw up. But don't hold your breath on that.

I agree with you that the family shouldn't be responsible for the parents' spending habits, but some states have filial responsibility laws that say adult children can be held responsible for their indigent parent's bills (usually health care/nursing home related).

http://money.msn.com/retirement-plan/will-you-get-dads-nursing-home-bill-weston.aspx
 
I wasn't talking about if they needed to be in a nursing home or something like that. I was just talking about if they didn't have any money to pay there house note or car note. It's there own fault and they should be foreclosed on or have there car repo because they should have never bought something they couldn't afford.

I hope for everyone's sake that your parents never fall on hard times. My parents have saved a ton and OF NOT FAULT OF THEIR OWN my mom is currently residing in skilled care facility which is "affordable" and will hit $83,000 for the year. It is one of the "cheaper"ones. They don't take Medicaid because they don't have too. The ones that do (because you can not afford your own care) are not the greatest.

You never know what is down the road for your seemingly capable parents, well prepared or not. As Robin said, you have your head in the sand. And many can stay there blissfully, but for those of us who have dealt with it, you have no idea what's coming.

I totally sympathize with you Terri. We can tell ourselves all we want that it is not our problem, and that might help for now, but the bigger issue is that you know what lies ahead, and it isn't going to be pretty. Besides, you care about them after all. I would encourage you to take yourself (and DH) off the hook for now while they are capable. Your response to their call about Thanksgiving is spot on! Hang in there.
 
I hope for everyone's sake that your parents never fall on hard times. My parents have saved a ton and OF NOT FAULT OF THEIR OWN my mom is currently residing in skilled care facility which is "affordable" and will hit $83,000 for the year. It is one of the "cheaper"ones. They don't take Medicaid because they don't have too. The ones that do (because you can not afford your own care) are not the greatest.

You never know what is down the road for your seemingly capable parents, well prepared or not. As Robin said, you have your head in the sand. And many can stay there blissfully, but for those of us who have dealt with it, you have no idea what's coming.

I totally sympathize with you Terri. We can tell ourselves all we want that it is not our problem, and that might help for now, but the bigger issue is that you know what lies ahead, and it isn't going to be pretty. Besides, you care about them after all. I would encourage you to take yourself (and DH) off the hook for now while they are capable. Your response to their call about Thanksgiving is spot on! Hang in there.

I don't think we do.

first, op didn't say her parents fell on hard times. Hard times is Hurricane Sandy and what it did to the East coast, Hard times is the out of pocket expense when your spouse is hospitalized battling Leukemia. Hard times is NOT, I repeat NOT wanting a new car every two years.

There is a difference between having to work until your dead because of loss of income or a catstrophic illnes and having to work until your dead because some reason you can't control your 5 year old case of the "gimme, gimme, gimme".

So once again, Op and her dh have some very difficult choices to make on their own. It is one thing to stress and get upset because life for whatever reason handed you some lemons you have to deal with, But sorry it's a whole 'nother ball game when some one who is supposed to be responsible adults bring hard times to your life because they want to be irresponsible.

AT some point you have to realize what you will allow and won't allow to break your back. I know it's absolutely frustrating and it's never easy. Life is not easy but here's the rub, when some one is doing some thing seriously detrimental to their well being and refuses to stop at some point you are either going to let go or they will destroy you right along with them. Of this I am a 100% expert.
 
I don't think we do.

first, op didn't say her parents fell on hard times. Hard times is Hurricane Sandy and what it did to the East coast, Hard times is the out of pocket expense when your spouse is hospitalized battling Leukemia. Hard times is NOT, I repeat NOT wanting a new car every two years.

There is a difference between having to work until your dead because of loss of income or a catstrophic illnes and having to work until your dead because some reason you can't control your 5 year old case of the "gimme, gimme, gimme".

So once again, Op and her dh have some very difficult choices to make on their own. It is one thing to stress and get upset because life for whatever reason handed you some lemons you have to deal with, But sorry it's a whole 'nother ball game when some one who is supposed to be responsible adults bring hard times to your life because they want to be irresponsible.

AT some point you have to realize what you will allow and won't allow to break your back. I know it's absolutely frustrating and it's never easy. Life is not easy but here's the rub, when some one is doing some thing seriously detrimental to their well being and refuses to stop at some point you are either going to let go or they will destroy you right along with them. Of this I am a 100% expert.

This is the quote I was responding to from Donald:
If your parent in laws don't want to grow up and save money for when they are old that is there own fault. It shouldn't be up to your husband and his brothers or sisters to pay there way. They have had 40 something years to plan for there future and if they didn't then that's there issue not yours or your husbands. I quess they will just have to have the goverment to try to fix there screw up. But don't hold your breath on that.

We - who are we?? Wow, you really misunderstood me Eliza - I never implied you or the OP has their head in the sand. I never said the OP said they fell on hard times. I was responding to Donald, who IMHO felt there would never be a day where a parent's situation would impact his own.

I agree with everything you said, and that there are boundaries for family members who don't save. Did you read the end of my post where I thought telling her IL that when she posted, I literally wrote on a piece of paper for him to read to her, "That's too bad, we'll miss you, and hope to see you sometime during the two days that we're there."was spot on??

At least it took over 6 years to be completely misunderstood.
 
I don't think we do.

first, op didn't say her parents fell on hard times.

See, I disagree. She says that "Neither saved for retirement, or have any pension except social security."

ALL they have is SS. That doesn't sound like fun times to me. If they are anything like my FIL, they might have taken SS *early*, making it even harder for them. If all my MIL had to live on was her late husband's SS, she would *barely* be able to pay her rent, let alone feed herself.

So maybe they didn't "fall" there recently, but it's not like they are on easy street, either...seems to me that this situation was long in the making and that they've been there for awhile.
 
There are some strange responses on this thread. Where I come from, we don't write off our elderly relatives, say it's their own fault and let the government take care of them.

My parents worked extremely hard and saved a modest amount, but they never earned much. Like the OP's parents, they continued to work seasonal jobs at ages after most people retire. Then, my dad had a sudden and catastrophic illness. That meant that he could no longer work and my mother couldn't either since she was his caregiver. For the next five years, they lived on social security (not a lot of pensions in blue collar jobs in a right-to-work state) and their savings. They also bought a new, unneeded car. Like the OP's DH, I was extremely upset when I found out about the car. Fortunately, their house was paid for. When they passed away, they were extremely worried about money. Believe me, as their only child, I was, too.
 
See, I disagree. She says that "Neither saved for retirement, or have any pension except social security."

ALL they have is SS. That doesn't sound like fun times to me. If they are anything like my FIL, they might have taken SS *early*, making it even harder for them. If all my MIL had to live on was her late husband's SS, she would *barely* be able to pay her rent, let alone feed herself.

So maybe they didn't "fall" there recently, but it's not like they are on easy street, either...seems to me that this situation was long in the making and that they've been there for awhile.

Sorry I standing by my assessment.
If your mother had only ss would she be purchaisng a new car every two years?

There are hard times and there are self inflecting wounds.

If you have the ability to buy or lease a new car, you can save a little for a rainy day.
 
There are some strange responses on this thread. Where I come from, we don't write off our elderly relatives, say it's their own fault and let the government take care of them.

My parents worked extremely hard and saved a modest amount, but they never earned much. Like the OP's parents, they continued to work seasonal jobs at ages after most people retire. Then, my dad had a sudden and catastrophic illness. That meant that he could no longer work and my mother couldn't either since she was his caregiver. For the next five years, they lived on social security (not a lot of pensions in blue collar jobs in a right-to-work state) and their savings. They also bought a new, unneeded car. Like the OP's DH, I was extremely upset when I found out about the car. Fortunately, their house was paid for. When they passed away, they were extremely worried about money. Believe me, as their only child, I was, too.

Let me say I totally agree and I'm not advocating "writing" them off. But lets please remember the original Post.

It was said that the parents are purchasing new cars, cars which they evidently cannot afford or at least have to miss out on a lot of life to be able to purchase.

These post always tend to turn. If my parents were destitute for whatever reason then yeah an arrangement has to be made. but sorry if my elderly parents are "destitute" yet going out every two years buying new vechicles, yes I've got a problem with that and a intervention maybe needed.

I am all for helping out folks, I am not for financial, emotional stress and hardship because some one refuses to act responsible with no clue to their own self preservation.

Let me ask, how much do you help? do you put yourself at risk because they want new toys every year?
 





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