Restraining order question (long) (update #41)

[kristen821]

Last night we were having a 30th birthday get together for my neighbor. A few families from the block came over. My friend (who is one of my neighbors) was over with her kids and her husband didn't want to come. He is nuts. He is abusive and accuses her of cheating no matter who she is with male or female. There is just something not right with him, but she feels she needs to stay with him for financial reasons. She is terrified of him and often sleeps at her moms or hides her car and hops fences to sleep at another one of my neighbors. Anyway, last night he came to pick up her 9 year old sons to go to sleep. Her son forgot his backpack at my house so he came back for it and asked his mom why his father said "I am sorry boys, but I will be going to jail for a long time" My friend called him and asked why he said it and he said he was going to kill her. She said she was going to call the cops and he said she would be dead before they got here. So told him she was leaving and parked the car a few blocks away and hopped fences to come back and tell us what is going on. She stayed at my house since her husband didn't know where she was. She and her sister (who also lives with her) were down stairs with all the guys playing pool abd the rest of the girls where upstairs talking. All of a sudden we hear a knock on the door. I had a feeling it was the crazy husband. I get up to look and nobody is there. Two of us ran downstairs to make sure my friend hid and looked around to see if you can see through any of the window, which you can't. My dh went outside and crazy man was walking by my bushes. Now my dh didn't know what was going on with crazy and his wife, because he just happened to never be at the right place to hear it. anyway, crazy told him to let him in to see his **** wife. He knows she is **** in there. My dh said she isn't in there (which he really did think she left) crazy said I know she is. My dh said you can come in and look but don't disrespect my house or my kids. So crazy came in and another neighbor who know what was going on put his arm up and said to get out. So they started arguing. Dh broke it up and crazy came up to me put his arm around me and said I know you know where my wife is where is she? I said "I don't know" the still with his arm around me (which was freaky) he asked his sister-in-law and she said I don't know she left. He said you are lying and why were you dancing like a *****? So now she freaked out because she knew he had to be watching for a while because she was joking around and that happened almost an hour before. So anyway crazy and my neighbor got into a fight again and dh broke it up and got crazy out of the house. My friend came from upstairs and said she already called the cops. The cops came and of course she didn't press charges, but my neighbor did to at least keep him away for the night. My friend and her sister went to the police station to see what was going one. My friend wanted to bail her crazy husband out but nobody would give her money for it. She did finally end up pressing charges on the threats too after the cops talked her into it. The only way for crazy to know what was going on in the basement would have been for him to actually have came into my back door which was unlocked and hide in the mud room. My dh is afaid that he is going to do something to us or our property for lying to him and since she was at our house. I personally don't think he will because he actually fought with the other neighbor. But my husband insist that we get a restraining order on this guy. He didn't make any threat to us or assualt us in anyway. He actually hasn't ever given us a problem. Can we legally put an order of protection on him? My son in terrified and that is the worse part of the whole thing.

 

[2sweetangels]

Im so sorry for what your going through. Im actually trying to put a restraining order on DH's sister and mother to kep them away from my girls, they want them bad (thats a whole other story) but I would just call up somebody who deals with restraining orders and just ask them a few questions and let them know what happened there is no harm in asking. Just do what you think will help you stay safe from crazy man.

 

[KAMLEM]

If he really wants to do something a restraining order isn't going to stop him. If he's willing to break the law to hurt you then he's willing to break the law to violate a restraining order. I'm not trying to scare you but people often get a false sense of security by getting a restraining order. I would make sure that I had a good security system and that I was very careful when I left the house. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this.

 

[kristen821]

If he really wants to do something a restraining order isn't going to stop him. If he's willing to break the law to hurt you then he's willing to break the law to violate a restraining order. I'm not trying to scare you but people often get a false sense of security by getting a restraining order. I would make sure that I had a good security system and that I was very careful when I left the house. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this.

I know I said the same thing about my friend getting a restraining order. A piece of paper isn't going to stop him from killing her. My dh just wants one so he doesn't even come to our house to confront us or anything. Dh doesn't even want him to say hello to us. In my opinion I don't think he will do anything to us he doesn't have much of a problem with us as he does with my other neighbor, but you just don't know what somebody that crazy will do. I just wish my friend would leave him. As bad as it sounds I don't even want her at my house when my kids are home. I have to protect them. My friend is a great person, but she needs to get away from the abuse. Her excuse is that she needs him for financial reasons.

 

[mickeyfan2]

If it was me I would try to get the restraining order and never leave your doors unlocked. Do you possible have security system?

 

[2sweetangels]

If he really wants to do something a restraining order isn't going to stop him. If he's willing to break the law to hurt you then he's willing to break the law to violate a restraining order. I'm not trying to scare you but people often get a false sense of security by getting a restraining order. I would make sure that I had a good security system and that I was very careful when I left the house. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this.

your so right, DH's brother hates me and wants to hurt me because he don't want me with his brother, so DH told me to get a restraining order on him, his brother is the kind of person who dosn't give a rats *** about the law, he has been in and out of prison so many times for beating his ex-wife that a rstraining order is nothing to him.

 

[kristen821]

If it was me I would try to get the restraining order and never leave your doors unlocked. Do you possible have security system?

No but we will have to look into getting one. I am going to stop at home depot tomorrow and get those chain locks for extra security for now. I am not so worried about my house that is all replaceable. I would just hate for him to do something while we were there. I just don't know what he is capable of. It also scares me to let my son go outside with his friends. I am almost positive he wouldn't hurt a kid, but now I am just not sure what he is capable of. My son is best friends with his two sons and my dd is friends with his daughter and I don't know what to do with that either. I think it would be ok to have his kids over, but my kids will not be over there anymore. Who knows what he will do to his wife and who will accidently get hurt or see something like that. I just hate to punish the kids for something that isn't thier fault, but my first priority is to protect them.

 

[Shutterbug]

I agree with others about the restraining order not stopping him. I have heard so many stories about people still being hurt by those that have a restraining order.

This is my suggestion. Have a plan of what to do if this guy sets foot on your property and discuss it with your children. What they are to do and who to call. Also have something always handy to defend yourself if need be. I'm not saying a gun but something.

 

[trip]

I just wish my friend would leave him. As bad as it sounds I don't even want her at my house when my kids are home. I have to protect them. My friend is a great person, but she needs to get away from the abuse. Her excuse is that she needs him for financial reasons.

Does your friend realize that she's putting all of you at risk? She needs him for financial reasons but hides at your house? You can only help so much if she doesn't want help. Not to be mean but I'm not sure if I would want my family to be around her with all the danger and drama surrounding her.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Two words. Pepper spray.

(Have it handy at all times.)

 

[kristen821]

I agree with others about the restraining order not stopping him. I have heard so many stories about people still being hurt by those that have a restraining order.

This is my suggestion. Have a plan of what to do if this guy sets foot on your property and discuss it with your children. What they are to do and who to call. Also have something always handy to defend yourself if need be. I'm not saying a gun but something.

I completely agree about a restraining order not stopping him and honestly I don't think we will need to use it, but in the case we did the minute he steps on our property we could call the cops and he will be arrested instead of them just sending him home. he lives across the street and can be back the minute they turned the corner. Your suggestion sounds good to me. My kids are 7 and 3 so I could probably discuss it with the 7 year old. The only problem is that he is terrified. He was up until 2 a.m. scared that crazy will come back and kill us. Of course crazy was in jail but that didn't settle ds down. My son just isn't use to situations like that. Does everyone think it is ok to bring it back up to him again?

 

[kristen821]

Does your friend realize that she's putting all of you at risk? She needs him for financial reasons but hides at your house? You can only help so much if she doesn't want help. Not to be mean but I'm not sure if I would want my family to be around her with all the danger and drama surrounding her.

Actually I completely agree with you. My dh actually told her she was wrong for trying to bale him out after she put us all at risk. I don't think she expected crazy to know she was there. I actually don't know how he knew. I feel bad for her, but we all told her we would help finacially as much as we could, but she says she doesn't want anyones help. Everyone tells her to leave him and she wants to I don't know why she doesn't. DH and I did discuss it and decided we really shouldn't have any of the neighbors over anymore at least until things settle down. I know crazy is definately upset with the other neighbor, but I don't know how upset he is with us. We didn't do much wrong except try to protect my friend by lying and saying she wasn't there. We didn't know he was hiding in my house and knew she was there. It just that we don't know what is going through his crazy head.

 

[disykat]

Definately look into the restraining order. I don't understand the people that are acting like it's worthless. I agree with you that they will take your complaints or calls more seriously if they have a paper trail on the guy. Ever little bit of documentation will help. If he violates it and you do have to defend yourself or your home, a paper trail will also help protect you if he tries to file a complaint. A piece of paper can't be your only protection, but it's an important element when dealing with the legal system.

 

[dmslush]

Does your friend realize that she's putting all of you at risk? She needs him for financial reasons but hides at your house? You can only help so much if she doesn't want help. Not to be mean but I'm not sure if I would want my family to be around her with all the danger and drama surrounding her.

I have to agree with this statement. I work for a domestic violence shelter, and absolutely NO way would I let a victim with an unstable partner stay in my home around my child, not going to happen!

For many victims they have to leave and go back several times. It is just part of the cycle of them becoming independent, but that doesn't mean that you need to put your family in danger.

You won't be eligable for an order of protection because of the lack of relationship qualifiers (you are not a victim of domestic violence and OPs are specifically for dv victims in most cases). You will probably need to speak to an attorney in your area about a restraing order, which is actually different from an OP.

 

[kristen821]

I have to agree with this statement. I work for a domestic violence shelter, and absolutely NO way would I let a victim with an unstable partner stay in my home around my child, not going to happen!

For many victims they have to leave and go back several times. It is just part of the cycle of them becoming independent, but that doesn't mean that you need to put your family in danger.

You won't be eligable for an order of protection because of the lack of relationship qualifiers (you are not a victim of domestic violence and OPs are specifically for dv victims in most cases). You will probably need to speak to an attorney in your area about a restraing order, which is actually different from an OP.

She won't be at my house again. I didn't realize how nuts he was. I knew he was a little off, but not that off. Do you think you can get a restraining order when there wasn't a direct threat? He really didn't do anything to my family except scare the crap out of us! He did hide in my house is that enough? we cant prove it. We just know there isn't any other way to see in the basement.

 

[dmslush]

She won't be at my house again. I didn't realize how nuts he was. I knew he was a little off, but not that off. Do you think you can get a restraining order when there wasn't a direct threat? He really didn't do anything to my family except scare the crap out of us! He did hide in my house is that enough? we cant prove it. We just know there isn't any other way to see in the basement.

In my area, you can get a restraining order as long as you want to keep someone away from you. The judge doesn't require there to be a direct threat, just a fear. You are afraid because this man was walking around your house at night, he was starting fights inside your house, and he touched you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable and possibly frightened for your safety. Call your court clerk's office and ask them the proceedure for filing the restraining order. Here it has to be done through an attorney, but you maybe able to do it pro se. A big thing will be whether or not he contests it. It is doubtful that he will even show up in court, he probably doesn't want to explain to a judge why he was snooping around and starting fights.

 

[kristen821]

In my area, you can get a restraining order as long as you want to keep someone away from you. The judge doesn't require there to be a direct threat, just a fear. You are afraid because this man was walking around your house at night, he was starting fights inside your house, and he touched you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable and possibly frightened for your safety. Call your court clerk's office and ask them the proceedure for filing the restraining order. Here it has to be done through an attorney, but you maybe able to do it pro se. A big thing will be whether or not he contests it. It is doubtful that he will even show up in court, he probably doesn't want to explain to a judge why he was snooping around and starting fights.

Thank you!

 

[KAMLEM]

Definately look into the restraining order. I don't understand the people that are acting like it's worthless.

I don't think anyone is saying that it would be worthless and nobody told her not to get one, we're just saying that she still needs to be careful and take precautions because if he's really that crazy a piece of paper won't stop him.

 

[kristen821]

The wife of crazy called me last night and crazy has called her numerous times so apparently she didn't get the restraining order on him, which is no surprise. So eventually he will be back across the street. I am sure by the end of the weekend. I called the police station and asked how to file a restraining order and they gave me a number to call. I called to get information and ask if I can file for the restraining order or not and they aren't open until monday morning. I am going to pick up a copy of the police report just to have handy in case anything happens before I can get a restraining order. At the time the police report was made we didn't know he was actually in our house snooping around so I am also going to call the station to see if I can file another report so that is in there.

 

[momof2inPA]

You need to call child protective sevices. Those kids need help. Having your dad threaten to kill your mom and tell the kids he will be sent away for a long time is going to screw those kids up-- forever. If you are truly a caring person, forget about your friendship and protect those kids.