"How To Wrap A Gift"
(With Help From Your Furry Friend...)
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag from wardrobe.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape,
ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table
to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string.
Remove cat that has been in the drawer
since last visit and collect string.
9. Reopen drawer and re-remove cat.
10. Remove present from bag.
11. Remove cat from bag.
12. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
13. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
14. Try to smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
15. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
16. Throw away first sheet as cat tried to chase the scissors and tore
paper.
17. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat
in the bag the present came out of.
18. Place present on cut to size paper.
19. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present.
wonder why edges now don't reach
and realize cat is between present and paper.
Remove cat and retry.
20. Place object on paper to hold in place
while cutting transparent sticky tape.
21. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove
transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
22. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape,
making corners as neat as possible.
23. Look for roll of ribbon, chase cat down hall in order to retrieve
ribbon.
24. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two directional turn.
25. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper that is now torn
due to cat's enthusiasm to chase ribbon end.
26. Repeat steps 13 - 20 until down to last sheet of paper.
27. Decide to skip steps 13- 17 in order to save time
and reduce risk of loosing last sheet of paper by retrieving
old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
28. Put present in box and tie down with string.
29. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
30. Put all packing materials in bag with present
and head for lockable room.
31. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
32. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door,
close door and re-lock.
33. Repeat previous step as often as necessary
until you can hear the cries from the cat outside the door.
34. Lay out last sheet of paper.
(I know this is difficult in the small area of the bathroom, but try
your best.)
35. Realize that cat has already gotten to the paper.
Unlock door, go out and hunt through various cupboards
looking for sheets of last year's paper,
until you remember that you haven't got any left due
to cat's help with wrapping last year.
36. Retire back to room, lock door and sit on toilet while trying to
work out how to make a torn sheet of paper look halfway presentable.
37. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully
sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon
and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
38. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating
yourself on making good of a bad job.
39. Unlock door and go to kitchen to make a drink and feed the cat.
40. Spend the next 15 minutes looking for cat
before coming to obvious conclusion...
41. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
42. Retrieve all thrown away sheets of wrapping paper, feed the cat and
retire to room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the
door is locked.
43. Find least torn and wrinkled sheets of paper along with the ones
that the pattern matches closest.
44. Vainly try and wrap present in patchwork paper.
Tie with the now tattered ribbon and decorate with the now limp bows.
Label and put present in bag for fear of anyone seeing this disaster.
45. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly
at the receiver's face as they try to hide their contempt
at being handed such a badly wrapped present.*
46. Swear to yourself that next year
you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you!*
