Response to death in the family -what would you prefer?

[clarabelle]

My neighbor (who is a friend) MIL died last night. I had met the MIL a few times- just to say hello.
I am unsure as to what to do
Flowers or donation to whatever cause is listed in the obituary
Potted plant to the house
Food to the house
Something else?

The funeral is not local -so I won't be going

Any thoughts?

 

[happygirl]

I would just do food.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

Food. If you want to send flowers to the funeral home as well, thats up to you, but I think your fine with sending some food over there.

 

[clarabelle]

Thanks

 

[mickeyboat]

I would do a donation or flowers. If the funeral is not local, I assume your neighbors will not be home to enjoy food. Potted plants are nice for some people, but I just kill them, so it wouldn't be a good thing for me.

 

[nhpooh]

I normally in your case send a potted plant for the house.

 

[catycatcat4]

food somthing good but healthy they might be eating a lot of junk.

 

[daisax]

I'd send a donation and offer to watch the house (thieves often target homes at times of funerals) and pets, especially if they're traveling to the funeral.

 

[dislal]

I would give food, maybe something that would travel well: Cake, pie, chips, drinks.

 

[Disney Doll]

Do food, but perhaps do it a couple of weeks from now when the dust has settled a bit. Or do something that can be frozen to be heated at a later date...a casserole or something.

 

[maroo]

A week from now...or a month from now...when everyone has sort of moved on with their lives... offer to take them a meal (or just show up with something that could be easily frozen and eaten another time).

That is what I would want.

Whenever we have had someone pass away we have had a TON of food that first few days...but then everyone tends to move on and there is still lots to be done as far as arrangements and the pain of losing a loved one is still, of course, so strong.

But that is just my 10 cents.

 

[Nancyg56]

I always send food. Sometimes before the services if there are a few days that the family has to wait or the weekend after. When my Mom passed on some of my neighbors cooked for me. I cannot tell you how much we appreciated those meals. Cooking was beyond me at the time but sitting down to eat helped bring a little normalcy to us.

 

[MAKmom]

I would send a cake over.

 

[puffkin]

A week from now...or a month from now...when everyone has sort of moved on with their lives... offer to take them a meal (or just show up with something that could be easily frozen and eaten another time).

That is what I would want.

Whenever we have had someone pass away we have had a TON of food that first few days...but then everyone tends to move on and there is still lots to be done as far as arrangements and the pain of losing a loved one is still, of course, so strong.

But that is just my 10 cents.

I agree with this. I would never send food unless you are sure they will need it. When my brother died unexpectedly at age 17 our house was inundated with food. We gave and threw so much stuff away and our freezer was stuffed. It was horrible and believe it or not very stressful for my mom. I do remember somebody sent over one of those big insulated boxes of coffee and a bagel basket and that actually was a huge hit...but most of the other stuff was wasted.

I also wouldn't send plants/flowers. We had enough to fill a greenhouse. The care was unbelievable on them. Again most were given away.

My brother was Juvenile Diabetic and my parents had donations going to the JDA (he died from a car accident but that cause was very dear to them). They were very appreciative of that. I already told my parents/DH if something happens to me unexpectedly to have donations go to an animal rescue group.

I also agree to think of the family in a few weeks. After the funeral the house went from bustling with people to nothing. It was horrible for my parents and that is when the overwhelming grief really set in. A dinner out, a phone call, a note during then was greatly appreciated, even though they were few and far between.

 

[golfgal]

I would do a donation. I never send flowers to a funeral any longer after having to try to figure out what to do with funeral flowers for a couple funerals. If you send something, send a plant but personally I would do a donation either to the family or a charity. Since the funeral isn't local, they won't be around to accept any food for however long.

 

[minkydog]

I'd send a donation and offer to watch the house (thieves often target homes at times of funerals) and pets, especially if they're traveling to the funeral.

I like this idea. When my dad died we had a friend come over with a cooler full of ice, a bag of plastic plates, utensils and cups, and her two older teens. The teens stayed at the house while we were at the funeral (we got them a pizza and cokes!)

We got a lot of food, especially desserts, but the best thing we got was a platter of meat & cheese subs cut into 2" slices and extra baggies of lettuce, tomatoes, and peppers. It was sooooo convenient to reach in the fridge and grab a bite, rather than having to drag out all the lasagna and chicken & rice casseroles and heat them up.

 

[clarabelle]

Thanks everyone -this is very helpful

 

[luvmy3]

I think it really depends on how close you are to your neighbors. My neighbor's brother died and I just sent a sympathy card. If you are more friends than neighbors I would send flowers to the funeral home.

 

[Evil Genius]

A card with a gift card inside to a local restaurant. A few folks did that for me and they were a God send once everything settled down.

 

[bumbershoot]

I've never been on the giving side, but I've been on the receiving.

NO plants, no flowers. Nothing that anyone has to care for. Nothing that stays around.

Just about everyone in my stepdad's townhouse development sent food, and even though we were all vegetarian, the family stopping by were not, so it was really good to feed them easily. The people who knew mom and stepdad sent veggie dishes, and that was terrific.

Put ingredients and instructions for warming up. You don't want to think about a thing.

I'd send food now AND later.

Strangest thing we got was a $20 from a neighbor way down the development...thought it was strange, but then we ordered a pizza, and the pizza was good! So that worked.

Food works b/c when you're in grief you're not hungry enough to make anything, but then you might end up passing out...so to just have food there is very helpful. No need to make stuff, but you can just forage in the fridge to keep yourself from fainting.