Relocating-how to get the grandparents on board?

[micheleq]

Sigh. I love my parents, but they aren't being esp. supportive right now. Just need to vent a little.

My DH is in line for a big promotion at work. He is the next person at his job to go from the home office out "into the field" in a sales job. It's a big step both in position and in compensation.

Currently we live in CT and DH commutes about 2-3 hours per day to and from midtown Manhattan. If we relocate, he will be home often (as he will have a home based office) which is good for us as a family. Also the two territories that he is being considered for are Minnesota (Twin Cities) and Michigan (Detroit/Ann Arbor area). Our cost of living would go down significantly and we would therefore be able to save more for college, retirement, and not feel like we are paupers in the Gold Coast of Fairfield County.

My parents (who live in the same town as us) aren't being supportive. I know it's because they cannot bear the thought of their only two granddaughters being so far away. And trust me, my Italian-Catholic guilt has settled in that we are taking them away!

How can I get my parents excited and happy for us? My father's comment today was "those are miserable places to live." No they aren't! I'd be excited to live in Ann Arbor or Chanhassen (voted one of the top five places to live in the US this year).

In the next few weeks we should hear about the job. Then in the next few months we'll make the move. DH & I are excited, but I also want my parents to understand why we are doing this. DH & I are both close to my parents and we would miss them terribly. But we have to do what is best for our family.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. And fingers crossed for DH that this promotion happens in the next month!

 

[ShannonMB]

Oh man, my DD is only 9, and my heart is breaking for your mom! I do feel bad for them.

That said, of course you have to do what's best for your family, no question there! Just wait and see what happens with the job, and find out where you'll be going if it works out. Then maybe you can do some research and whatnot on the area you'll be living that will be a comfort to your parents. Maybe they'll want to move there with you!

Hard situation, I hope it works out great and that your parents will have some peace if/when the time comes for their girls to move away.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Oh I know about that Italian/Catholic Guilt...my Dad (rest his soul a wonderful man) never supported any move we made if I couldn't be there for Holidays OR Sunday Dinner....I understood completely but the bottom line is you have to get past that, make a decision that will benefit your DH and kids in the long run.....1st time I moved to FL in 1998 I would talk to him on the phone all the time. I remember I called one time & complained about feeling lonely. missing him, etc....he quipped back with "Well what do you expect you moved to another country" (He was back in NY !) Also for your parents calling those new areas "miserable places" My Dad referred to Florida as
"God's Waiting Room" They love us, they miss us. but deep down they want what's best for us.....you'll be okay

 

[LuLuO]

I think you just have to explain as best as you can why you are doing it. And try to make them understand that it is hard on you too but this is what is best for your family now. They're not going to like it but they will accept it eventually.

Also, get them a web cam and show them how to use a service like Skype. Demonstrate many times before you leave how it works so that they will realize that they will still be able to see the grandkids often. Also, invite them to come and stay with you when you are settled.

It is going to be a hard adjustment for all of you but it will all work out.

 

[starsweeper]

Wow, that is really tough. My DH promised me for years we would move from Atlanta to be near my family. Last summer we moved within 20 minutes of them. A few months later, DH was offered an executive position within London, England. He turned it down because he knew I'd be devastated after just realizing my dream. However, I know the time may come when we have to move cross-country or overseas for his job. I feel your pain and hope you and your family can find a way to keep in close contact.

 

[micheleq]

Thank you thank you thank you! This is why I love my DIS peeps

I just needed to hear that it will all work out. If this move happens, it will be great for us. And I will be back often to visit, and would be able to fly my parents out to where we are as well.

Luvchefmic - we do sunday dinner at my parents' house pretty much every week too! I think my dad's comments came from his desire to keep us close. Heck, we lived across the street from my mom's parents the first four years of my life, had pizza every friday night at the restaurant my dad's parents owned...talk about family bonding!

Teaching them to skype is an excellent idea. I think both my parents and the kids would love it. They have friends who skype with their grandsons, so they can be cool grandparents too.

Thanks again. I'm sure once we find out exactly where we'll be, I'll be posting and asking for advice on our new hometown!

 

[MarriedToAPrince]

I am sure they are just sad that you are moving, but you have to do what is best for your family.

 

[Samar]

*hugs* I'd tell them that with the economy as it is, it's too good of an offer to turn down. It's what you feel is best for your children and all of your futures. They can't argue that.

 

[Happy Mom2]

I live out of state for a while when I was single and my parents had no issues with it. I moved back when I got married. When I mentioned moving out of state after I had a baby, my dad said, "Why the hell would you break your mother's heart like that?!"

 

[auralia]

I don't know what to tell you about your parents but if i had those two choices i would go with the twin cities in a heart beat... the zoo is great, they have valley fair and the mall of america and so many lakes in minnesota if you are into that thing, in driving distance to wisconson dells and easy to get florida flights out of MSP i grew up in minnesota, i live in georgia now, but minneapolis if you can take the cold is really a great place to live!

 

[monkey30]

We did a big move 2 yrs ago and have never looked back. We visit them, they do not visit often, but that is thier choice. It went from walking down the street to a 4hr drive.

In the end it did us more good then we could ever imagine as it removed us from all the crap in the family. They dont call to complain and dump on us since we can not run over and help them out.

Good luck, your kids are at a good age to do it, and if Dh will be home more often that would outwhey a increase in pay for me!

 

[Bibbidi]

We moved for my DH's job just about 5 years ago now. We are 1000 miles away from family in any given direction. My parents never really got on board with the idea and were rather bitter about it for a while--making comments, like "you'll do what you have to do I guess", etc. Well they managed to get over it after we did move--they've come to visit once/two times per year. My dad is quite ill so they won't be out any more, but we still try to get home once/year. It's not easy, but we were about 1.5 hours away from them previously, so we didn't see them every weekend or anything--and honestly, my husband is the only one working, so there wasn't much choice. We tried to find jobs closer to home, but none available at the time. It's the nature of the world today--people don't always grow up to work in the same community where they were raised like our parent's generation. I miss being near family, but we really LOVE where we are now, so I'd have to say it's been a good move for us. I was really unhappy in our prior location.

 

[cogero]

My DH retires in less than 4 years from the NYPD we have had plans to move for over 5 years to move near some family I have in Arkansas. My dad is giving us guilt and I finally said I have to do what is best for my family and this is it.

My MIL whines and complains but I really don't care because I know I am doing the right thing for us.

Go with your heart and show them how to skype

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm going to be brutally honest.

It isn't my job to placate people whom no longer rear me or fund my lifestyle.

If they cannot be happy for you--it is not your job to try and make them see happiness.

It is what it is and they are welcome to make the best of it, but you'll drive yourself crazy trying since what they want is for you to stay and that is NOT in the best interest of your family.

It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.

Any grief or negativity passed your way--is their problem and not yours. And if it becomes your problem--stand up for yourself. That's my advice.

Otherwise--the chances increase that they'll make sure that you share in their misery for years to come.


I'm on the flip side--my mom gives me grief and SHE is the one who moved. We don't visit as much--it isn't a punishment or anything. It is purely logistics. She lives on a tiny island near Key West and it takes me 8 hours to get there. It isn't a weekend trip and she resents it. I have given up on trying to remind her that she is the one who moved.

A bit reverse from you, but when someone tries to blame you for their choices--standing up for yourself is really important.

 

[v.t.]

Just because you are moving, doesn't mean you can't remain close. I have been both situations. We grew up a very tight knit family. Every Sunday at GP's house for dinner, spent most of the weekend there too. Got married, moved away, had kids, but we would still make an effort to talk everyday and would see them at least 4 times a year. Your kids are getting to the age where they will be able to spend time at GP's without you, which my kids loved! There is nothing better than a week or two of GM spoiling them rotten. Just remind your parents that you will still talk and e-mail often. The boys would come home from school and call to tell "What happened today...". The additional funds will allow you to visit more too. I am sure that your parents are worried that the kids will forget them, etc. Just assure them that that will not happen. Good luck, I know it is a hard decision for everyone involved.

 

[Swimalie]

I feel for you but you are doing what is best for your family. Keep that in mind as the guilt kicks in from your family.

In 2001 my husband and I finally got our dream which was a move to a better job and getting me out of the town we were in. We moved 2700 miles from his parents. My husband picked the location and he picked the job but I got blamed by his mom with nasty comments. I still do. Didn't help that 3 weeks before we had to move, his dad passed. Parents really know how to do the guilt. Remind your parents that the locations aren't too far away. Air travel isn't too bad and you all can drive it as well. Plus, technology is great now and you can both get a web cam and chat "in person" as often as you like.

 

[micheleq]

Thanks again everyone. It's to great to hear from those who have been in the same situation.

We'll do what is best for our family, and they will have to learn to adapt. It will be an adjustment for everyone, but we'll remain close even thru the distance.

Lisa Loves Pooh, you are totally right! I don't think we'll have angry words over this, but it's our life, and they have no say in this decision.

Thanks for listening. I find such great advice and objective viewpoints here Helps to keep things in prespective.

 

[crysplefty]

You are a married woman, so your obligation should be with your husband and kids. Your parents need to understand this. If you worry more about pleasing your parents instead of doing what is best for your family, it will eventually cause strain on your marriage. Trust me, I know. My husband was constantly trying to please his parents and I eventually got fed up with it. Now that he realizes what he was doing and made some changes, our marriage is a lot stronger and we are happier. You'll just have to let your parents know you have to do what is best for your family and they will learn to adjust.

 

[dfchelbay]

Sigh. I love my parents, but they aren't being esp. supportive right now. Just need to vent a little.

My DH is in line for a big promotion at work. He is the next person at his job to go from the home office out "into the field" in a sales job. It's a big step both in position and in compensation.

Currently we live in CT and DH commutes about 2-3 hours per day to and from midtown Manhattan. If we relocate, he will be home often (as he will have a home based office) which is good for us as a family. Also the two territories that he is being considered for are Minnesota (Twin Cities) and Michigan (Detroit/Ann Arbor area). Our cost of living would go down significantly and we would therefore be able to save more for college, retirement, and not feel like we are paupers in the Gold Coast of Fairfield County.

My parents (who live in the same town as us) aren't being supportive. I know it's because they cannot bear the thought of their only two granddaughters being so far away. And trust me, my Italian-Catholic guilt has settled in that we are taking them away!

How can I get my parents excited and happy for us? My father's comment today was "those are miserable places to live." No they aren't! I'd be excited to live in Ann Arbor or Chanhassen (voted one of the top five places to live in the US this year).

In the next few weeks we should hear about the job. Then in the next few months we'll make the move. DH & I are excited, but I also want my parents to understand why we are doing this. DH & I are both close to my parents and we would miss them terribly. But we have to do what is best for our family.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. And fingers crossed for DH that this promotion happens in the next month!

Just wanted to give my two cents. If your husband is given the choice between the two territories, do not choose Michigan. This place is going belly up fast. If you were to buy a home here, you may not ever be able to sell it. I know many people who have spent the last couple years trying to sell their homes and no one will buy them. They are priced well below market, and for a buyer are a steal...but that buyer may never be able to unload it. We would love to move out of Michigan. There are NO JOBS to be had here. But, we are stuck with this house, which in the last 12 months has lost $130,000.00 in value, and keeps losing more value with each passing day. So, we cannot leave. We feel held hostage.

Please think carefully about this opportunity. If your husband's job should end with this company one day, you may be "stuck" indefinitely, in Michigan too, without another job to be found locally and unable to unload your house.

Sorry, to rain on your already damp day.

Forgot to mention that DH got a great promotion at work at that is how we ended up here in Michigan...that job is loooooong gone.

 

[micheleq]

You are a married woman, so your obligation should be with your husband and kids. Your parents need to understand this. If you worry more about pleasing your parents instead of doing what is best for your family, it will eventually cause strain on your marriage. Trust me, I know. My husband was constantly trying to please his parents and I eventually got fed up with it. Now that he realizes what he was doing and made some changes, our marriage is a lot stronger and we are happier. You'll just have to let your parents know you have to do what is best for your family and they will learn to adjust.

Thanks My parents and I have a great relationship, but they have zero say in my marriage. I just feel bad that they are sad knowing this move is going to come. DH & I are a solid front and are excited for this opportunity. Hope I didn't sound like too much of a whimp!

Just wanted to give my two cents. If your husband is given the choice between the two territories, do not choose Michigan. This place is going belly up fast. If you were to buy a home here, you may not ever be able to sell it. I know many people who have spent the last couple years trying to sell their homes and no one will buy them. They are priced well below market, and for a buyer are a steal...but that buyer may never be able to unload it. We would love to move out of Michigan. There are NO JOBS to be had here. But, we are stuck with this house, which in the last 12 months has lost $130,000.00 in value, and keeps losing more value with each passing day. So, we cannot leave. We feel held hostage.

Please think carefully about this opportunity. If your husband's job should end with this company one day, you may be "stuck" indefinitely, in Michigan too, without another job to be found locally and unable to unload your house.

Sorry, to rain on your already damp day.

Forgot to mention that DH got a great promotion at work at that is how we ended up here in Michigan...that job is loooooong gone.

Thank you -- it's good to hear form someone in MI! We would be renting for at least a year in Ann Arbor or one of the Detroit 'burbs. If he were to lose his job, we'd relocate back to the east coast because that's where his industry is centered. The move is also one that could be for a few years, then he'd be moved back to the home office in NY. It's the stepping stone he's looking for, so we could be renting for a few years which is ok by us. I'm sorry to hear about your house. I hope things turn around for you and your family.

Thanks again everyone. I appreciate the perspective