Relationship problems...UPDATE PG4

[Hercules10]

I agree.

(I know... twice in one day...weird, huh, Herc. )

Nuh-huh! THREE times in one day! Ya missed one!

 

[budbeerlady]

First of all: Hugs to you!

Second: As hard as it is, you dont want to spend your life with someone who isnt sure..... It's gotta be you 110%, you are worth that and more.

Third: Pick yourself up, dress yourself up, look to kill for, go out with friends, flirt, have a good time and dont contact him. If he calls you, your out having a good life without him.

It sucks, you invested alot over 6 years but you deserve better!

 

[It's A Happy Day]

OK, here's my .02

I agree with Herc in that he is not sure what he wants....MEN Sometimes by staying in touch, it just prolongs the inevitable and it allows you to be used for other things while not being in the committed relationship you previously were - "Friends with benefits" until something better comes along.
You need to concentrate on YOU. For now you need to cut the ties. Who knows, maybe down the road you will be able to be friends but you need to go through the normal steps of a break up/loss:

denial - are we breaking up, how can we still get along so well & be broken up, etc.
anxiety - you seem to be here...not sure what to do
depression - you've been together for 6 years
anger - YOU"VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 6 YEARS ...
guilt - maybe you could have done something differently
acceptance - this is life and I deserve better!

Space will allow you both to re-evaluate where you are in your lives and decide which direction you want to take. There is a saying out there to the effect that....if it belongs to you set it free, it will come back to you. If it doesn't then it never belonged to you in the 1st place. Do not contact him, go out with the girls, take up a hobby, go to the gym, get your mind off of it for awhile. I know that is easier said than done but constantly thinking about it will only make you miserable.

Hugs , it isn't easy to go through.

 

[ziggystardust]

Third: Pick yourself up, dress yourself up, look to kill for, go out with friends, flirt, have a good time and dont contact him. If he calls you, your out having a good life without him.

It sucks, you invested alot over 6 years but you deserve better!

Oh - I plan on it!!! And can't wait!


I really appreciate you all taking the time to listen to me vent. And I really appreciate your honest opinions. It made me think a little more, and also smack myself for wondering if it was ok for me to stop talking to him. Of course it is. And like you all said, its the only way to put it in the past. I never realized how therapeutic posting could be.

 

[ziggystardust]

Who knows, maybe down the road you will be able to be friends but you need to go through the normal steps of a break up/loss:

denial - are we breaking up, how can we still get along so well & be broken up, etc.
anxiety - you seem to be here...not sure what to do
depression - you've been together for 6 years
anger - YOU"VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 6 YEARS ...
guilt - maybe you could have done something differently
acceptance - this is life and I deserve better!

I love how there's a smiley for every stage.

 

[lg3]

I love how there's a smiley for every stage.

I say take Rick up on his offer.

 

[MouseJunkie]

I don't have 6 years in, but coming from someone who just spent 2 years waiting for something to click with an on/off ex you need to break off the communication for a while. You need time to accept you're broke up, heal your wounds and move on. You need to concentrate on YOU.

Like someone else said if you keep the communication open now you'll most likely just prolong the inevitable. Plus speaking from experience it will most likely end up a "friends w/ benefits" thing. Trust me my ex now has a gf and is getting married. I was pretty upset when I found out. It just goes to show me I wasn't the girl. I'm not saying this is your situation, but that's mine.

Also, by keeping the line of communication open (again from experience) you will be building false hope which will keep you from being able to properly move on. Whatever is wrong will still be wrong in the long run unless there is effort made to fix whatever it is. That can only happen if he's willing to be open and honest with you about whatever is bothering him. At this stage it doesn't sound like he is.

You may be able to be friends later down the road. You did spend 6 years not only building a relationship, but a friendship. For now the best thing to do is cut off the communication. Focus on YOU! When you're ready then contact him and continue the friendship only if you want to. Keep the ball in your court!

 

[MouseJunkie]

OK, here's my .02



denial - are we breaking up, how can we still get along so well & be broken up, etc.
anxiety - you seem to be here...not sure what to do
depression - you've been together for 6 years
anger - YOU"VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 6 YEARS ...
guilt - maybe you could have done something differently
acceptance - this is life and I deserve better!

.

Oh and I've been through every one of these over and over and over! Did I mention I hate roller coasters? In more ways than one...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Here is my .02.....

All things have a consequences....

You can talk to him all you want, you are free to choose that. Consequence is you are keeping yourself stuck, hopeful, avoiding pain, feeling good and bad, etc....

You can cut him off. Consequence is that you will start going thru those 5 stages and feel awful. However, it will move your forward.

So when you feel it is time to cut him off and you are ready, then do it or you can do it gradual if you would like. Hook up with friends and go out. Get busy and perhaps the need to talk with him will shift...

There is no "right" answer, really. There is only the right answer for you.

 

[wilderness01]

I'm sorry for your pain. Try not to prolong the "hanging on" as it will just hurt more in the end. I'm sorry for you.

 

[poohandwendy]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Believe me when I tell you, he did not accidentally break up with you. There is no doubt it has been on his mind, he just found an opportunity to say what he has been afraid to say.

That said, I think you need to cut the ties. Continuing like this will just give you false hope and confusion. If you two are meant to be together, in the long run, he will beg, plead and steal to get you back.

Yes, people can be friends with ex BFs. But, very important part, only when both people are on the same page and only have friendship feelings for each other. It doesn't happen often.

It's very painful to say goodbye to a long relationship like that. Sometimes you just have to break ties, for your own sanity.

I am really sorry you are going through this. Cliche as is may sound, he really is doing you a favor if the feelings aren't there for him.

 

[rie'smom]

Let him know what he's missing. You'd be surprised how fast he'll come running back to you.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

Awwww, I'm sorry.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

So sorry you are going through this - it is never easy.

I would back off and move on with your life. I was engaged to a wonderful guy in my young 20's for about 3 1/2 years. We should have broken things off long before we did but he was my best friend and I didn't want to lose him completely. The breakup didn't go well and we ended up not speaking for 10 years. We found each other online a few years ago and were able to be friends again but not nearly as close as we had been when we were dating. We are still "friends" but when he got married his wife decided she didn't really like him being friends with me so he cooled the friendship.

I guess what I am trying to say is not to stay together just because you are comfortable with each other. That won't last.

Good luck and hugs to you!

 

[Keli]

Only you know yourself well enough to know what is the best thing for you to do here. If hanging on a little makes the parting ultimately easier for you then do it. If you are miserable having a relationship of sorts with the fella but not a real one then cut loose and move on.
Personally I'm the cut 'em loose type. Every time I talked with him it would just remind me of what has happened and what will never be. That would make me miserable. I'd rather go through the more intense but much faster pain of cutting off all contact because then it would be over and soon I'd either be content with the single life or be ready for another relationship.

 

[Jeafl]

I don't really have anything worthwhile to add, but I did want to give you a and say that I am continually amazed at how many people on the DIS give out consistently great advice.

 

[epcotfan]

A lot of helpful advice has been given. I've been going through some weird emotions since an ex contacted me recently. This thread is a great reminder on how to deal with ex relationships.

 

[Disney Doll]

So this fella is 30 and you are 26? You guys have been dating for 6years...so you were 20 and he was 24 when you started dating. Now he's getting to the age where he may actually have to be a grown up & make some life decisions, and the first one he makes is to break up with you. Hmmm...

Personal experience here....dated a guy for 1.5 years. We were 24 when we started. Had a swell time together. Neither was looking to get married, not a topic that was ever discussed. His sister got engaged to a guy she had been dating 5 months. The questions form everyone started..."when are you two going to get engaged...you've been going out a lot longer than Sister and her BF". About 1.5 months later, he broke up with me. Couldn't handle the pressure from everyone else I guess, because I was truly in no hurry to get married and never discussed it.The bad part was I was friends with his sister and close with his mother, so I would see him when I got together with them. That made it hard to move on. It was only once I consciously stopped finding "reasons" to go to the house, and I didn't see him, that I started to get over him. Then I met the man who is now my DH, and realized that while the other guy was a nice fella, and had been nice to date, he was not who I should have married, so I am glad I didn't. Of course, when I met DH and subsequently got engaged, then he was all upset that I didn't "wait" for him to "make up his mind". I will admit, that was kind of satisfying.

The moral of my story is...you won't get over him while you are still in contact with him. Cut the ties, grieve the loss, go out with Rick in NYC, and move on. Maybe he'll miss you. maybe he'll come crawling back proclaiming what an idiot he was for thinking his life would be complete without you. And maybe he won't. But you need to create a new life that doesn't include him, and if he does come back, he can fit himself into your life, if you choose to let him do so.

Chances are, by the time he makes up his mind, you will be on to such bigger and better things that you will wonder why you even shed any tears over this.

 

[Vallie]

ex's cannot be friends! especially if you guys are younger! trust me all it will cause is continuing confusion and hurt feelings.

My ex of 4 years broke up with me when i was 20 and i thought that was it my life was over and like u i would try to be friends.. all it causes are fights and confusion! I finially cut him off completely a year later when i started dating my now DBF and it was the best thing i ever do! trust me hun cut him off and focus on YOU and not him! it will be the best thing for you and take it from someone who's been there...

while it hurts now there are other fish in the sea.. i thought my ex was the guy for me but now that i;m with my current DBF i could not be happier and realize how unhappy i really was with my ex.

keep ur head up and remember things will get beter

 

[Poohnatic]

I'm so sorry, even when it's amicable, breaking up is hard. I've been through breakups before, and it's easier when you cut all ties. It may not seem that way, and yes, you'll miss the contact. However, in the long run, it makes healing easier.


I have to say, this is the sweetest post I have ever seen on here. Rick, you always make me smile, and I hope you made this young lady smile. Take him up on it!

Hey Ziggy. Sorry you're going through with this kiddo. Really sucks.

You and I have "spoken" on the DIS in the past and have gotten along so here's a thought. You live in NYC. I live in NYC. We ought to meet up sometime and have some drinks. I'll be sure you have a grand ol' time, let you vent your heart out, and make certain you get a cab home!

We'll paint the Village red!