Received a large check

[sk!mom]

It's entirely up to your husband. Cash the cheque (and who doesn't need cash?) but consider it's going to open the door and he's the one who will have to set boundaries with this dad. Send it back and he's entitled to close the door on his dad forever.

Very good point. Cashing the check will open the door for further contact whether you intend it to or not. Your DH will then have to go through the stress and emotions of setting boundaries. Is he OK with that?

 

[morgan98]

Not sure if it varies by state, but there is an annual gift threshold of about $14,000 that you can gift to someone. If you gift someone more than that in one year, that person DOES have to claim it on their income tax however they will NOT be taxed on it unless they have received in excess of $5 million gifted to them in their lifetime. The lifetime gift exemption threshold is around $5 million (and some change) so as long as a person does not exceed that in their lifetime, they will not be taxed on gifts.

I just went through this when my grandparents gifted me more than the annual limit for a house purchase. I had to report it but did not receive any tax implications. I do have some money against my lifetime limit now, but never expect to exceed that $5 million limit!

I am a CPA and I have not seen a gift claimed on an income tax return of the recipient.. The giver has to file a gift tax return. There is an annual exclusion of $14,000 and if it is in excess, they need to file a GIFT tax return for it to count against their annual exclusion. I have not seen gift claimed on the recipients income tax return. Perhaps it was reported to establish basis in the house that was gifted to you, but again, I have not seen this done.

Now, if there is somehow gift tax involved (one the $5+ millions exemption has been reached), the IRS can come after the recipient for the tax.

If you say you have some money against your lifetime limit now, that means that you have gifted money to others in excess of the annual threshold. The recipient does not have to track gifts against a lifetime exclusion, only gifts they themselves make.

 

[lovin'fl]

So here's another would you cash this check scenario:
Elderly generation (2 siblings, one with 2 kids and one with no kids) has substantial estates (2 estates). So substantial that they plan out how to avoid paying inheritance taxes upon their death. In this particular state, inheritance tax must be paid on any estate over $2million. Next in line for the 2 estates are a brother and sister, both married with 2 kids (the plan to avoid paying inheritance taxes is to put brother and sister's names on all the accounts/deeds/whatnot). Family is close and everyone is good (no black sheep, no addiction/abuse issues, just a close knit regular family..brother and sister and spouses work and own homes, so fairly successful on their own). Brother dies before elderly generation (and only sister's name gets put on all the property/accounts). When elders pass, the sister sends letters to brother's widow and 2 kids saying that elders did not allocate any part of the estate to be left to them...but out of the kindness of her own heart she wanted to give them each something and she includes a $5000 check. If it were you, do you cash the check...and do you maintain same relationship with this lady? There are more details to this scenario but it's too complicated to go into. This is the main gist though.

OP, hope you guys figure it out. Family and money can be such a tangled web. But I don't think any decision you make would be wrong because you didn't ask for that check.

 

[Pamlur]

Is the situation with the two sets of elders fairly recent? If so, I don't think I would cash that $5,000 check, because I see some major tax ramifications there, depending on when the sister's name was added.

 

[princess barbara]

Having had the same sort of childhood as your husband, my father has been out of our lives for over 27 years- so much more than half my lifetime. If he ever sent a check, you could be sure it would be returned. There would always be strings attached, it could be thrown in your face and quite frankly I would feel "dirty" cashing it in that it wasn't earned or deserved. Nothing could make up or repay me for the abuse. Sorry you and your spouse have to deal with it at all but especially at this time of year. Merry Christmas!

 

[nkereina]

I am a CPA and I have not seen a gift claimed on an income tax return of the recipient.. The giver has to file a gift tax return. There is an annual exclusion of $14,000 and if it is in excess, they need to file a GIFT tax return for it to count against their annual exclusion. I have not seen gift claimed on the recipients income tax return. Perhaps it was reported to establish basis in the house that was gifted to you, but again, I have not seen this done.

Now, if there is somehow gift tax involved (one the $5+ millions exemption has been reached), the IRS can come after the recipient for the tax.

If you say you have some money against your lifetime limit now, that means that you have gifted money to others in excess of the annual threshold. The recipient does not have to track gifts against a lifetime exclusion, only gifts they themselves make.

Thanks for the info. Yes gift tax form must have been what I filled out, not necessarily as income tax. I was just told that I had to report it to the IRS at tax time since it was in excess of the annual limit.

 

[SMD]

I'd probably cash it and save the money for future funeral expenses, which I'd expect he hasn't planned for, and it sounds like other siblings aren't prepared for. But I've seen my parents pay for 2 funerals this year, 1 unexpected and 1 with some warning but still unplanned. I've become a realist on this issue now.

 

[NewRVLady]

I'd probably cash it and save the money for future funeral expenses, which I'd expect he hasn't planned for, and it sounds like other siblings aren't prepared for. But I've seen my parents pay for 2 funerals this year, 1 unexpected and 1 with some warning but still unplanned. I've become a realist on this issue now.

wow-THIS is a great idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[hereyago]

[QUOTED, post: 54880322, member: 61690"]I'd probably cash it and save the money for future funeral expenses, which I'd expect he hasn't planned for, and it sounds like other siblings aren't prepared for. But I've seen my parents pay for 2 funerals this year, 1 unexpected and 1 with some warning but still unplanned. I've become a realist on this issue now.[/QUOTE]


His kids arent responsible for paying for his funeral, even if things were on good terms.

People can donate the body to science( there are certain criteria) or have the body sent to a Body Farm like the one in Tennessee, or cremate. if they dont want that, they better plan and make sure they have money to have it covered.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So my DH had a very physically abusive childhood. His dad walked out when he was 13 and while they struggled to even have enough to eat , it may have been the best thing for them. He and one other sibling managed to find success and happiness in life, while the others struggle with substance abuse, law enforcement issues, losing their children etc.
Dh's father called last year (after nearly 40 years) and apologized and my DH was cordial, accepted apology on the surface but hasn't responded to any other contact.
Dh 's father was a soldier and dh knows he had mental health issues which contributed to his abusive behavior, but it doesn't mean he wants him in his life.
So we got a Christmas card today, with a large (and random) amount in the form of a cashiers check. DH doesn't want to deal with it, and told me to do whatever I think is right with it.
I don't believe DH's father has this kind of money to give. If it were a regular check, we wouldn't cash it, and would have written a note to let him know.
I imagine it is another way for DH'S father to try to establish contact and to apologize. For my DH this just opens wounds.
I certainly could find use for the money, either for our kids or some charity, but perhaps there is some cause or something where it could also bring my dh some peace. Also wondering about an appropriate way to respond to DH's father. I know he is older now and has many regrets, but some wounds can't be healed, at least enough for a relationship.I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to encourage him either.

Set it aside for a rainy day for his father. He may need it later.

Respond with a thank you card.

 

[pocomom]

Thanks all, lots to think about here. I think we will sit on it for a bit.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How do you know the check isn't fraudulent? There are lots of scams around involving genuine looking cashier's checks.

That is true. You can get it verified first, I do believe.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I had a similar situation, I wouldn't accept money for myself but I did accept for my two children's college fund.

That is best idea so far imo.

 

[AppleDumpling]

Thanks all, lots to think about here. I think we will sit on it for a bit.

Good idea. I'd try to put it out of your mind for at least a few weeks, so you can enjoy the holidays stress-free. But as painful as it is, your DH needs to deal with this, sooner or later. IMO, it's unfair of him to push it off on you. You can be a supportive wife by backing his choice, whatever it is, but it is his father and the decision should be his.

I am sorry you are going through this. To be honest, my concern would not really be about the money but of the long-term unresolved emotional issues. Maybe your DH would benefit from some counseling or a support group for adult victims of child abuse.

 

[wenrob]

I thought of this thread a few days ago. My response had been I would cash the check without second thought. Then I received a text from my sister, "Answer your phone! Mom is sending us money!" My first thought? "I don't want her freakin' money." I keep trying to tell myself that she's trying but really, she's not, she's just trying to alleviate her own guilt and at the same time not have to bother with putting any thought into gifts for her grandkids. I know lots of grandparents send cash but when I know she goes out of her way for my brothers kids, follows them across the country, attends their every event and milestone and meanwhile my youngest DD says to me, "who is she to you again," it kind of stings. Cultivate a relationship with your grandkids, that's all I want.

So, I get the trepidation. For me, refusing the money would hurt her and feels vindictive on my part making an already wide divide even wider. At 47 I still feel like an abandoned child who just wants her mom to love her. I'm picking up the money, giving oldest DD's to her to do what she wishes and putting mine and DH's into the younger twos saving accounts. There's no point in me trying to make a statement because honesty, she won't get it and I have no desire to enter a new struggle with her.

Not exactly the same as the OP's issue but maybe a different take to look at.

 

[GaryDis]

I'm going to go off on a tangent a bit, and recommend a book, Not My Father's Son: A Memoir, by Alan Cumming (the actor). He was subject to physical and emotional abuse from his father, and a good chunk of the book deals with his coping, and his attempts at reconcilliation. I listened to the audiobook version, read by the author, which made it especially touching. I don't know how the OP's husband might react to this book, but for the rest of us, it shows how important it can be to want a good, adult relationship with a parent, and how difficult it can be when that just can't happen.

 

[GaryDis]

So here's another would you cash this check scenario:
Elderly generation (2 siblings, one with 2 kids and one with no kids) has substantial estates (2 estates). So substantial that they plan out how to avoid paying inheritance taxes upon their death. In this particular state, inheritance tax must be paid on any estate over $2million. Next in line for the 2 estates are a brother and sister, both married with 2 kids (the plan to avoid paying inheritance taxes is to put brother and sister's names on all the accounts/deeds/whatnot). Family is close and everyone is good (no black sheep, no addiction/abuse issues, just a close knit regular family..brother and sister and spouses work and own homes, so fairly successful on their own). Brother dies before elderly generation (and only sister's name gets put on all the property/accounts). When elders pass, the sister sends letters to brother's widow and 2 kids saying that elders did not allocate any part of the estate to be left to them...but out of the kindness of her own heart she wanted to give them each something and she includes a $5000 check. If it were you, do you cash the check...and do you maintain same relationship with this lady? There are more details to this scenario but it's too complicated to go into. This is the main gist though.

OP, hope you guys figure it out. Family and money can be such a tangled web. But I don't think any decision you make would be wrong because you didn't ask for that check.

I don't want this note to get lost in the main discussion, but I also don't know how anyone could answer it without knowing the people involved and all the facts. If the family is really close, I don't see how that can even happen - so perhaps they're not as close as indicated.

If there's any chance at all that litigation might happen, or even be threatened, then I'd consult an attorney before cashing the checks. Beyond that, the people involved need to decide for themselves whether to maintain the relationship.

 

[lovin'fl]

I don't want this note to get lost in the main discussion, but I also don't know how anyone could answer it without knowing the people involved and all the facts. If the family is really close, I don't see how that can even happen - so perhaps they're not as close as indicated.

If there's any chance at all that litigation might happen, or even be threatened, then I'd consult an attorney before cashing the checks. Beyond that, the people involved need to decide for themselves whether to maintain the relationship.

Bolded is the painful realization widow and her kids have come to. No litigation threatened but ties are cut with sister. This wasn't very recent (last elder passed away 3 years ago).

 

[SMD]

His kids arent responsible for paying for his funeral, even if things were on good terms.

People can donate the body to science( there are certain criteria) or have the body sent to a Body Farm like the one in Tennessee, or cremate. if they dont want that, they better plan and make sure they have money to have it covered.

Cremation isn't free. Even if you're not obligated to pay for a burial, when ere are siblings involved sometimes it's best to consider everyone's wishes for the sake of those future relationships. Taking a hard line on something when a parent dies can damage your relationship with a sibling for years or maybe forever. That's why I suggested setting some money aside as it may be something in the future to consider paying for. Using all the money for a vacation or fun activity might become a bone of contention later. Whereas if there are no funeral or burial expenses, the money could be reallocated at that point. Why not think ahead?

 

[MommyinHonduras]

My FIL and his sister were adopted by a family with no other kids as an infant and a toddler. Normal mostly close family. Dad died first, both support mom. Right at the end without my FILs knowledge sister convinces sick mom to change will to her as executor(correct word?). And after mom's death takes everything and sends a $500 check to my FIL for my DH and SIL. That was 20 years ago, she has not contacted my FIL since then. They did see each other a few years ago at birth moms funeral and were cordial. She never married, has no kids and has not other family. The estate was worth around $20,000 not much but she thought it was worth it. Money does strange things to people. Used to cut out and to try to buy back. The money itself is just a thing, use it for the good of your family.