Reasons to re-evaluate friendships?

[LuvOrlando]

So I've been wondering if I should re-evaluate a friend based on her other friends.

My family is good friends with another family. We're ll pretty close and do lots together like vacation etc. So anyway I was at her house all day yesterday for her oldest DS's graduation party. I realized last night that I pretty much dislike all her other friends. For the most part the men are all drunks and the women are really mean spirited gossips. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy little bit of juicy stuff here and there but these women were beyond reasonable and this friend of mine was showing the same traits when she was with them.

For example, this friend of mine who we'll call Jean is always going on about her BFF from HS being like her brother ect., we'll call him John. For the record I like this guy, and I like his family especially his wife and his DD and my DD are good friends. We have all been on vacation with each other in the past and they are genuinely nice people. Well, my friend Jean and another old friend of hers were about 10 feet away from me and my 11 year old DD when they started talking about John & his family. More or less this is what I hear. Old friend says loudly, "No one had to point out who John's son was to me, I knew right away!" Jean says about John "I'm still waiting for him to come out of the closet". Other friend looks up at me and says, "Yep, we know him well. He was always with us, friends with girls only. NEVER had a guy for a friend." with a wicked knowing look as Jean nods.

All this is in front of my DD. I got up as soon as I could but I'm just sick over it. Well not just this incident but pretty much over the people she chooses to call her friends. I mean this guy John does have a big personality and his son is extremely effeminate, wants to be on Broadway... the whole bit but who cares? Their lives, their choices, be supportive, love them shut up and move on. Then there is the fact his wife is in the middle of battling a terrible form of breast cancer. SHe just had a mastectomy and is struggling with the pre implant spacer. Uggh, Jean stood there and hugged them and told them how much she loves them and then turned around and spoke of their family like this.

This wasn't the only incident, there were others by other of her friends. One was going on & on about how disrespectful a little girl is to her Mother. This girl is friends with my DD11 & DS12. THey are kids, what you you expect. I felt like telling her to look in a mirror but just made her look dumb and let it go. Then they were taking little digs at Jean during conversation.

I am just sick to my stomach. Mostly because of what was said about John and his family but also because of the people she is surrounding herself with. I know these other people were pretty drunk and we weren't. Still, how much bad behavior can you write off to people just being drunk? I'm wondering if this group is just a hornets nest day to day and are just good at hiding the stingers when they are sober. I am also wondering what sorts of awful things she is probably saying behind my back?

Uggh, if you ever want a good look at friends stay sober as they get drunk and listen Now I'm wondering about whether or not i want this person as a friend any more. On the other hand, are my expectations just too high, should I be tolerant of other people's idiocy laugh at them and consider them entertainment?

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd probably move Jean from my "close friends" to "casual acquaintances" list. And I certainly wouldn't be telling her anything that I did not want the rest of the nasty gossips to know.

And I wouldn't make an announcement, or an issue or have a discussion about it. I'd just s l o w l y back away from the close friendship and put her more in the acquaintance categroy. Jean will find out soon enough that her other "friends" are nothing but nasty women...something bad/sad/upsetting will happen to Jean and those other girls will be all over it like white on rice.

 

[jfoofj]

I lost a friendship a little over a year ago. It is hard, but people change and I realized that if I had met her current day, I would not have been friends with her, we were just still friends because of our shared history and it was VERY taxing and taking a LOT of energy to remain friends.

There was a group of 5 of us, all friends from college, and we did EVERYTHING together back then. One friend, "A", moved away, and we still email and get together when she is around, but we are nowhere as close as we used to be. One friend, "B", I have had since I was 5, we grew up together and went to college together, and our families are very close (in fact, my mom and her mom are very close, and her sister married my exH's best friend). She is more family than friend, and while we don't talk all the time, if she called me at 3am and said "bring a shovel", I would. Another friend, "C", I met in college, and I love her with all my heart, and we talk about every week or so and get together maybe every other month or so (she lives an hour away) and we really "get" each other. Now the last of the group from college,"D", she was always very high maintenance and somehow ALWAYS had "drama" in her life. She got VERY upset that one night me and friend "B" went out and friend "C" ended up joining us... it was all very impromptu, infact friend "B" and I were at a wake for a family member of mine, and friend "C" had called to say she couldn't make it due to work, but we all met up for a drink later. No biggie, right? Well, friend "D" heard about the fact that we all met up and flipped out that she had been "excluded" when the "group" got together. I was taken aback, this was a Tuesday night, drinks after a wake!!!! Not a Saturday night girls night out on the town. I didn't care that she didn't come to the wake, friend "B" only came because like I said, her family is close with mine, and friend "C" was just being nice, I didn't expect her to come either, but she is just nice like that. We even thought about calling friend "D" to meet us, but it was past 8pm on a Tuesday, she works and has kids, and we figured she wouldn't be able to make it anyways.

WELL, to make a long story short, she found out about it (we ran into her FIL at the restaurant lounge we were at) and she told all of us off via a nasty email. I responded back, explaining the situation, friend "B" laughed it off, and friend "C" replied back also. I thought we were all good, that it was all explained and out in the open. Well, apparently friend "D" called up friend "C" and met her for drinks and went on and on about how awful friend "B" and I are, and friend "C" told her that she didn't see it that way at all and they left things kind of cold. I sent her a Christmas card last year, and didn't get one back. I let it go. It is too bad, it is sad, but it happens. I wish her well, I have no hard feelings, I think that sometimes you just outgrow friendships. I still get together with friend "B" and "C" and occasionally hear from friend "A" but nothing at all from friend "D". Not really sure if it will ever change either.

 

[AlleyKat]

These scenarios are why I choose to have acquaintances and use the term "friend" sparingly!

 

[Tink888]

So I've been wondering if I should re-evaluate a friend based on her other friends.

My family is good friends with another family. We're ll pretty close and do lots together like vacation etc. So anyway I was at her house all day yesterday for her oldest DS's graduation party. I realized last night that I pretty much dislike all her other friends. For the most part the men are all drunks and the women are really mean spirited gossips. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy little bit of juicy stuff here and there but these women were beyond reasonable and this friend of mine was showing the same traits when she was with them.

For example, this friend of mine who we'll call Jean is always going on about her BFF from HS being like her brother ect., we'll call him John. For the record I like this guy, and I like his family especially his wife and his DD and my DD are good friends. We have all been on vacation with each other in the past and they are genuinely nice people. Well, my friend Jean and another old friend of hers were about 10 feet away from me and my 11 year old DD when they started talking about John & his family. More or less this is what I hear. Old friend says loudly, "No one had to point out who John's son was to me, I knew right away!" Jean says about John "I'm still waiting for him to come out of the closet". Other friend looks up at me and says, "Yep, we know him well. He was always with us, friends with girls only. NEVER had a guy for a friend." with a wicked knowing look as Jean nods.

All this is in front of my DD. I got up as soon as I could but I'm just sick over it. Well not just this incident but pretty much over the people she chooses to call her friends. I mean this guy John does have a big personality and his son is extremely effeminate, wants to be on Broadway... the whole bit but who cares? Their lives, their choices, be supportive, love them shut up and move on. Then there is the fact his wife is in the middle of battling a terrible form of breast cancer. SHe just had a mastectomy and is struggling with the pre implant spacer. Uggh, Jean stood there and hugged them and told them how much she loves them and then turned around and spoke of their family like this.

This wasn't the only incident, there were others by other of her friends. One was going on & on about how disrespectful a little girl is to her Mother. This girl is friends with my DD11 & DS12. THey are kids, what you you expect. I felt like telling her to look in a mirror but just made her look dumb and let it go. Then they were taking little digs at Jean during conversation.

I am just sick to my stomach. Mostly because of what was said about John and his family but also because of the people she is surrounding herself with. I know these other people were pretty drunk and we weren't. Still, how much bad behavior can you write off to people just being drunk? I'm wondering if this group is just a hornets nest day to day and are just good at hiding the stingers when they are sober. I am also wondering what sorts of awful things she is probably saying behind my back?

Uggh, if you ever want a good look at friends stay sober as they get drunk and listen Now I'm wondering about whether or not i want this person as a friend any more. On the other hand, are my expectations just too high, should I be tolerant of other people's idiocy laugh at them and consider them entertainment?

I can only speak for myself. I have a lot of friends, different ages, different clicks, etc and I have no idea who their other friends are or what they act like when they're together. I don't put much thought into it, I only think about my relationship with a friend and what I like about them, do I enjoy their company etc.

If this person has been an otherwise good friend to you and has qualities that you like then I wouldn't write off the friendship over this one thing. Particularly when alcohol has been involved. Most people's judgment tends to go south when they drink.

FWIW, I'm also a person who doesn't generally like to gossip about other people but a lot of people do. If you are going to start eliminating friends from your life based on whether or not they talk about other people you are going to be writing off a lot of people from your life and finding yourself with a very short list of people you can spend time with. By "you" I mean a general you and it's not a judgment I'm making, but a general observation about life and people.

I might filter some of what I told this person in the future though.

There's an old saying that a person really only has a handful of "true" friends.......meaning the ones you can tell anything too, the ones who will always have your back......who are there through thick & thin and I really believe that. This person might not be one of "those" friends but it doesn't mean she can't still be a friend to you.

 

[jfoofj]

These scenarios are why I choose to have acquaintances and use the term "friend" sparingly!

I agree with you... I think peopel can cycle in and out of degrees of friendship too. Someone you might have been really close with at one point in your life you might not be as close with anymore. It isn't a bad thing, you don't like that person any less, it is just how it goes. Friendships can wax and wane. I talk to my "work friends" way more than my longtime friends, but they are just different kinds of friendship.

 

[Sugardimples]

My mother used to say "show me your friends and I'll show you who you are". If this is not who you are then I'd distance myself from them.

 

[Nette]

I second the poster that says you should maybe just back off slowly and take a break from this friend. I'm going through something similar right now where another couple (couple R) is constantly criticizing the parenting of some other of our friends (couple M)... Well, couple M tells me that couple R also criticizes our parenting, but sort of in a different way... they are constantly "worried" about us.

I've decided to just back off for a while. I need a break from hearing about how couple M are such rotten parents (keep in mind that couple R has no children and no plans for children ever). I figure if people talk bad to me about their other friends, they must talk bad ABOUT me to those same other friends.

 

[turkeymama]

My mother used to say "show me your friends and I'll show you who you are". If this is not who you are then I'd distance myself from them.

I pretty much agree with this.

And for the record, I don't particularly excuse behavior just because someone has been drinking. I think being drunk just removes a person's filter. When they're sober, they "know better" than to say and do such things (hopefully, ). If someone calls them out on gossiping/inappropriate behavior, they can blame their behavior on the alcohol.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I'd probably move Jean from my "close friends" to "casual acquaintances" list. And I certainly wouldn't be telling her anything that I did not want the rest of the nasty gossips to know.

And I wouldn't make an announcement, or an issue or have a discussion about it. I'd just s l o w l y back away from the close friendship and put her more in the acquaintance categroy. Jean will find out soon enough that her other "friends" are nothing but nasty women...something bad/sad/upsetting will happen to Jean and those other girls will be all over it like white on rice.

No announcements from me and no discussions. I don't see how talking about any of my feelings on this could ever end well, nothing but ugly and more ugly IMO. I do think you are right about how they will treat Jean if given half a chance, but how could she not know it? She must know it and on one hand I think maybe this is why she and I are friends, but then again, if she is capable of this I don't want to be on the receiving end of it either. This friend Jean confides in me quite a lot and I'm sort of even handed with things especially family issues. I'm not big on spreading gossip. I have plenty of unpleasantness in my closet I'd rather not be spread around so I don't tell my real world friends too much and I don't go blabbing their secrets either. More or less i am of the opinion that I won't share secrets that aren't mine to tell and if I do speak about things I make sure the people I am asking opinions of are not in the same circles so there is no way they would ever overlap.

I may keep her at more of an arms length emotionally because she now seems to be a very dangerous friend to have. Hmm, I can't let her get wind of my feelings though. I suspect people pulling away is what drives her behavior. Must be careful & tread lightly.

I lost a friendship a little over a year ago. It is hard, but people change and I realized that if I had met her current day, I would not have been friends with her, we were just still friends because of our shared history and it was VERY taxing and taking a LOT of energy to remain friends.

There was a group of 5 of us, all friends from college, and we did EVERYTHING together back then. One friend, "A", moved away, and we still email and get together when she is around, but we are nowhere as close as we used to be. One friend, "B", I have had since I was 5, we grew up together and went to college together, and our families are very close (in fact, my mom and her mom are very close, and her sister married my exH's best friend). She is more family than friend, and while we don't talk all the time, if she called me at 3am and said "bring a shovel", I would. Another friend, "C", I met in college, and I love her with all my heart, and we talk about every week or so and get together maybe every other month or so (she lives an hour away) and we really "get" each other. Now the last of the group from college,"D", she was always very high maintenance and somehow ALWAYS had "drama" in her life. She got VERY upset that one night me and friend "B" went out and friend "C" ended up joining us... it was all very impromptu, infact friend "B" and I were at a wake for a family member of mine, and friend "C" had called to say she couldn't make it due to work, but we all met up for a drink later. No biggie, right? Well, friend "D" heard about the fact that we all met up and flipped out that she had been "excluded" when the "group" got together. I was taken aback, this was a Tuesday night, drinks after a wake!!!! Not a Saturday night girls night out on the town. I didn't care that she didn't come to the wake, friend "B" only came because like I said, her family is close with mine, and friend "C" was just being nice, I didn't expect her to come either, but she is just nice like that. We even thought about calling friend "D" to meet us, but it was past 8pm on a Tuesday, she works and has kids, and we figured she wouldn't be able to make it anyways.

WELL, to make a long story short, she found out about it (we ran into her FIL at the restaurant lounge we were at) and she told all of us off via a nasty email. I responded back, explaining the situation, friend "B" laughed it off, and friend "C" replied back also. I thought we were all good, that it was all explained and out in the open. Well, apparently friend "D" called up friend "C" and met her for drinks and went on and on about how awful friend "B" and I are, and friend "C" told her that she didn't see it that way at all and they left things kind of cold. I sent her a Christmas card last year, and didn't get one back. I let it go. It is too bad, it is sad, but it happens. I wish her well, I have no hard feelings, I think that sometimes you just outgrow friendships. I still get together with friend "B" and "C" and occasionally hear from friend "A" but nothing at all from friend "D". Not really sure if it will ever change either.

Sorry to hear you lost a friend like this. It sounds like D had some axes to grind for a long time and this incident just lit it all up for her. Being disappointed in a friend is as bad a being disappointed in a love

These scenarios are why I choose to have acquaintances and use the term "friend" sparingly!

I am a pretty cautious person too. It takes me years to call someone a 'friend' so this just totally caught me off guard. I've heard stuff like this before from these people but privately and in small doses. It was hard to listen to because it made me question my own judgment, does that make sense?

I can only speak for myself. I have a lot of friends, different ages, different clicks, etc and I have no idea who their other friends are or what they act like when they're together. I don't put much thought into it, I only think about my relationship with a friend and what I like about them, do I enjoy their company etc.

If this person has been an otherwise good friend to you and has qualities that you like then I wouldn't write off the friendship over this one thing. Particularly when alcohol has been involved. Most people's judgment tends to go south when they drink.

FWIW, I'm also a person who doesn't generally like to gossip about other people but a lot of people do. If you are going to start eliminating friends from your life based on whether or not they talk about other people you are going to be writing off a lot of people from your life and finding yourself with a very short list of people you can spend time with. By "you" I mean a general you and it's not a judgment I'm making, but a general observation about life and people.

I might filter some of what I told this person in the future though.

There's an old saying that a person really only has a handful of "true" friends.......meaning the ones you can tell anything too, the ones who will always have your back......who are there through thick & thin and I really believe that. This person might not be one of "those" friends but it doesn't mean she can't still be a friend to you.

I really like your perspective. My aunt was always very demanding and would strike people off very easily. I remember talking to her once and thinking that if she kept on acting he way she does the only person that would be left standing in her circle would be her. I guess I should be careful, some of my knee jerk responses might be learned bad behaviors I should drop. This thought keeps rolling around in the back of my mind and is why I'm hesitant. Jean could be a as good a friend to me as she can be to anyone, it just might not be very much.

I agree with you... I think peopel can cycle in and out of degrees of friendship too. Someone you might have been really close with at one point in your life you might not be as close with anymore. It isn't a bad thing, you don't like that person any less, it is just how it goes. Friendships can wax and wane. I talk to my "work friends" way more than my longtime friends, but they are just different kinds of friendship.

Good point. I have a small number of people I consider good friends and the cycles do seem to revolve around things that either throw us together or apart.

 

[LuvOrlando]

My mother used to say "show me your friends and I'll show you who you are". If this is not who you are then I'd distance myself from them.

This is kind of what I'm thinking. What are the chances that she has chosen so many people who behave in this particular way if it's not who she is. Now if you were to look at my friends you'd find a pretty mixed bag of people. The thing I tend to like in people is being colorful and devoted to family which she is, it's just that the rest seems pretty ugly to me.

I second the poster that says you should maybe just back off slowly and take a break from this friend. I'm going through something similar right now where another couple (couple R) is constantly criticizing the parenting of some other of our friends (couple M)... Well, couple M tells me that couple R also criticizes our parenting, but sort of in a different way... they are constantly "worried" about us.

I've decided to just back off for a while. I need a break from hearing about how couple M are such rotten parents (keep in mind that couple R has no children and no plans for children ever). I figure if people talk bad to me about their other friends, they must talk bad ABOUT me to those same other friends.

Yep, these are my thoughts exactly.

But what can I do about this sort of thing? I wonder what other people do about this sort of thing? Do I just take the good with the bad? I mean if so many people are just a mess and I exclude everyone who is a mess what am I left with?

I pretty much agree with this.

And for the record, I don't particularly excuse behavior just because someone has been drinking. I think being drunk just removes a person's filter. When they're sober, they "know better" than to say and do such things (hopefully, ). If someone calls them out on gossiping/inappropriate behavior, they can blame their behavior on the alcohol.

I'm kind of mixed on this. I agree I'm not sure I think alcohol puts ideas in your head that aren't there to begin with. I think they just dropped their guard and since I was completely straight I got an eyeful.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'd probably move Jean from my "close friends" to "casual acquaintances" list. And I certainly wouldn't be telling her anything that I did not want the rest of the nasty gossips to know.

And I wouldn't make an announcement, or an issue or have a discussion about it. I'd just s l o w l y back away from the close friendship and put her more in the acquaintance categroy. Jean will find out soon enough that her other "friends" are nothing but nasty women...something bad/sad/upsetting will happen to Jean and those other girls will be all over it like white on rice.

Exactly. If they are talking about other "friends" behind their backs, they are doing it to you too. Keep your cards close to your chest. And if you have to do that, are they really friends of any kind?

You are right to re-evaluate. I'd be putting distance into the equation.

 

[Carly_Roach]

My mother used to say "show me your friends and I'll show you who you are". If this is not who you are then I'd distance myself from them.

One of the truest statements ever made. You are who you hang with.

These scenarios are why I choose to have acquaintances and use the term "friend" sparingly!

I'd probably move Jean from my "close friends" to "casual acquaintances" list. And I certainly wouldn't be telling her anything that I did not want the rest of the nasty gossips to know.

Amen to both. Anything you witness your 'friends' saying about other people should be viewed as how they'd talk about you when you weren't around. My friends know me as the last person they want to gossip with (I'm usually offering alternative reasons for why someone may be behaving a particular way) but the first person they can come to for help because they know how I feel about people minding other people's business.

If you are going to start eliminating friends from your life based on whether or not they talk about other people you are going to be writing off a lot of people from your life and finding yourself with a very short list of people you can spend time with.

Not true. DH and I have many, MANY acquaintances whom we go out with, barbeque with, and spend time with. But we're very selective on how much information we share with those acquaintences. And if one of DH's buddies has a wife I can't stand to be around, then I simply find a reason to not make the scene or to not stay long if we're invited to a function.

Our friends? Those jewels can be counted on one hand.

 

[Buckalew11]

I agree with those who warn you and say distance yourself.

I don't want friends like that.

 

[Imzadi]

My mother used to say "show me your friends and I'll show you who you are". If this is not who you are then I'd distance myself from them.

One of the truest statements ever made. You are who you hang with.

Yes, similarly, there is another saying, and more appropriate for the OP, "If you want to know who you will be in 5 years, show me your friends.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I think if you have to question needing to re-evaluate a friendship, you definitely need to make some changes. *hug*

 

[stsomewhere]

My Dh and I have people that we are friendly with from boy/ girl scouts, neighbors, parents of our kids friends, etc. These are people we may do things with, get together.

But, our true friends are the people we vacation with. We have 2 couples that we are extermley close with. These are the friends that we can rely on in an emergency. They can rely on us. We know their life stories- good and bad and they know our. we have the same values and parenting style. One is my cousin and his wife, the other is parents of my son' friend ( they moved 1 1/2 hrs way last 2 yrs. ago). We have hit it off and have been friends for 4 1/2 years. we can always schedule time to get together and keep in contact.
These are the friends that we would let come over if the house was messy, we weren't dressed, etc. The friends that are closer than family.

We use to consider our sisters (3) our friends. But, as we have grown up we realized , they have traits and attitudes that would not choose for a friend.

We still have a few friends from high school we keep in touch with and get together about once or twice a year.