Really torn on adopt a family

[Muushka]

Please know that there are families that are greatful and these kind of organizations are often life changing, like they were for my family....

Mine was actually what i thought was going to be my worst. I was a single mom to my daughter who had just turned one and I was really struggling. I also lived 12 hours away from family so couldnt see a glowing light at all other than we were both healthy. I was working full time but just could not afford the trip home even with my folks buying the plane ticket the missed work would have sunk us. I had not registered for any holiday help as she really was little and wouldnt know the difference (and my parents did mail a few gifts to us) and i did have groceries so thought i would just tough it out and make the most of it and not take away from those with older kids needing the help. On the 23rd of Dec my apt intercom goes and it is a delivery of a holiday hamper for us I really did look like those you see in commercials or hear about on the radio with my deer in the headlight eyes that flooded with tears as boxes upon boxes of items were brought into my place. The organization did advise that my name was submitted and we had been adopted by a family. I can honestly say i was so overwhelmed with all the items and gifts, giftcards and groceries that i thought i was in a dream. The last item they placed under my tree on top of the wrapped gifts that were piled high was a wicker basket filled with holiday treats and goodies. Still to this day i put out the santa basket and and that is where the treats go.........all my kids know the above story and how much it meant so every year since then we have helped another family thru the holidays. Some years we could not adopt them, but we could get angels from the angel tree and provide gifts or food donations. Every year i relive that day in my memory and and can recall taking my daughter out for a walk in her new winter gear and the fun we had playing with her new toys from Santa and the great pictures i have because of somebody elses generosity. I also got to spend that Christmas with a couple of my dear friends who had no where else to go and since i had all the food for a fabulous meal we all spent it together at my place. So my first holiday away from my family became one of my most memorable.

And yes i can still recall 16 years later some of the items we received so your good deed does not always go unappreciated!!!

Your story warms my heart.

 

[Mom_Rides]

My sister used to work for a law firm and each division in the firm would adopt a family. The company would donate a set amount to each division and then match anything that the employees donated. My sister was a division leader one year and went out and got the things on the kids lists (toys, coats, hats, clothes, pjs, etc) and then got groceries to stock the fridge, freezer and panty including everything for a holiday meal. They wrapped and took everything to the home. A small child answered the door and the mom yelled "come on in and set that $h*t in the kitchen" and never got her bum off the sofa. My sister and her co-worker were so upset. The law firm called the organization they got the name from and explained the situation and were told this family would not be allowed to place their names on the list any longer. It left such a bad taste in my sisters mouth that she hesitates to donate to anything now.

I have to agree that kids only ask for what they see their friends playing and doing. Once upon a time I lost my job and we were this [-] close to having to go on assistance. I wouldn't expect my kids to understand that a coat is a coat is a coat and that a generic barbie is just as good as a regular barbie. If you don't feel good about donating, then please give to an organization that you believe in. Good luck and I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do.

 

[IDoDis]

Please know that there are families that are greatful and these kind of organizations are often life changing, like they were for my family....

Mine was actually what i thought was going to be my worst. I was a single mom to my daughter who had just turned one and I was really struggling. I also lived 12 hours away from family so couldnt see a glowing light at all other than we were both healthy. I was working full time but just could not afford the trip home even with my folks buying the plane ticket the missed work would have sunk us. I had not registered for any holiday help as she really was little and wouldnt know the difference (and my parents did mail a few gifts to us) and i did have groceries so thought i would just tough it out and make the most of it and not take away from those with older kids needing the help. On the 23rd of Dec my apt intercom goes and it is a delivery of a holiday hamper for us I really did look like those you see in commercials or hear about on the radio with my deer in the headlight eyes that flooded with tears as boxes upon boxes of items were brought into my place. The organization did advise that my name was submitted and we had been adopted by a family. I can honestly say i was so overwhelmed with all the items and gifts, giftcards and groceries that i thought i was in a dream. The last item they placed under my tree on top of the wrapped gifts that were piled high was a wicker basket filled with holiday treats and goodies. Still to this day i put out the santa basket and and that is where the treats go.........all my kids know the above story and how much it meant so every year since then we have helped another family thru the holidays. Some years we could not adopt them, but we could get angels from the angel tree and provide gifts or food donations. Every year i relive that day in my memory and and can recall taking my daughter out for a walk in her new winter gear and the fun we had playing with her new toys from Santa and the great pictures i have because of somebody elses generosity. I also got to spend that Christmas with a couple of my dear friends who had no where else to go and since i had all the food for a fabulous meal we all spent it together at my place. So my first holiday away from my family became one of my most memorable.

And yes i can still recall 16 years later some of the items we received so your good deed does not always go unappreciated!!!

Thank you for sharing your story. I get so tired of reading the stories about how people are dissatisfied with giving when in reality, there are more people like you (were back then), than the latter.

I thought I grew up dirt poor, but found out years later what dirt poor was really like when DH and I signed up to wrap Christmas gifts for a charitable organization. After we wrapped gifts for several hours (at a hotel), we were asked if we could help deliver some of the gifts. Of course we did.

We had a heck of a time finding the addresses because the people didn't really live in houses. They were more like make-shift houses set up behind businesses or in the back yards of other peoples houses. At one place a family was living in a storage shed! There wasn't any furniture -- just some mattresses on the floor. No lights and no heat inside.

Another place we arrived at was a small trailer -- the type that's usually towed behind a truck. It was a very small weekend camper, but it was home for these people. It was Christmas Eve almost dark. There were two young boys sitting outside on the hood of a car. When we pulled up, they both got up and ran excitedly into the house. They came back outside with their parents. The mother was carrying warm fresh tortillas wrapped in aluminum foil. We gave them the bag of gifts and she gave us the tortillas. It was like they were waiting for us -- hoping someone would come. They didn't speak English, but my husband who is half Hispanic was able to talk to them a little bit. When they went back into their trailer, we could hear the boys "woohoo-ing" and other joyful sounds.

It didn't matter that we were late for our own Christmas Eve celebration. That night was OUR Christmas. I'll never forget it.

So to those reading this who have a bad taste in their mouths about giving -- please don't get turned off and stop giving. There are plenty of needy people around who would so much appreciate the most basic gifts.

 

[Friend of a Mouse]

I can understand the OPs wariness. I knew a family that supposedly had no money to feed their children or get their medications, but the boys came to school with their hair dyed a different color every week. The social worker bent over backwards to help them, but they jumped ship and moved to another district when something happened they didn't like. This was a family that was in and out of trouble with the law (the dad was just recently arrested for car theft). They truly did not try. Even when they were set up for free services, it wasn't enough. They never attempted to get a job, but did have a history of filing frivolous suits (I don't think they ever won one.)

They were the most severe family I have seen, but not the only that had no trouble scamming the system. Sometimes all your help does is enable.

Certainly not every family is like that. We had some families that received aid that were truly in need and truly grateful. When I pick from an Angel Tree, I look for ones that have lower dollar amount requests because I cannot afford those high ticket items. I would certainly be wary of a family that is asking for video games for several current systems. In this case, it sounds like the OP's work should request a new family and let somebody else who is more comfortable giving give to that family.

 

[Styx Fan]

I wouldn't want to let the baby be raised by the same parents that failed to instill good judgement in their own daughter (as evidenced by her decision to have a baby she couldn't afford). I see that all to often when a mother is shown to be unfit the courts often let the mother's parent take custody when the better thing would be to put the kid as far away from the screwed up mom and the equally screwed up grandparents as possible.

I think if you looked at it from a more objective standpoint and ignored the fact that it is your sister you are using for an example you would probably see the dangers in enabling welfare families.

Give me a break! so every parent that ends up with a kid that does something dumb "Failed to install good judgement" in their child and it is the parents fault? Sometimes you can work and try and do everything you can and a child still goes off the rails. I know of several good people by the usual standards who have had kids that just plain screwed up. Usually, a good parent can end up with a kid who makes no major mistakes (or who gets caught making a major mistake) and grows up just fine. But not always. Humans are much more complex than that and kids don't come with an owners manual But do I wish they did.

And sometimes a kid messes up big but still manages to recover. I have no problem them get on their feet...doesn't mean a lifetime on welfare.

As for taking kids from their parents....I agree there are babies who would be better off being placed for adoption. But not just because their parents needed a hand up. I am an adoptive mother and have done much reading on the care and development of adopted kids. Experts agree that every child taken from their parent (typically mom) is subjected to trauma on a very primal level. Most recover. But many adopted kids suffer from issues forming lasting attachments, the degree of which can vary. To take a child from a parent, you better know what you are doing and make sure you are weighing the positives and negatives for the child. It's not as simple as it sounds. As an adopted parent, I have struggled with the fact I had to practically run a gauntlet to be approved to adopt, including proving I could afford it. But any old person can give birth and be given aid for their child....but as I don't have the wisdom of Solomon, I just don't know how to solve it for the best of the child.

But of course, you know that since you are so willing to make judgments on what is best for children.

 

[gracie1]

Give me a break! so every parent that ends up with a kid that does something dumb "Failed to install good judgement" in their child and it is the parents fault? Sometimes you can work and try and do everything you can and a child still goes off the rails. I know of several good people by the usual standards who have had kids that just plain screwed up. Usually, a good parent can end up with a kid who makes no major mistakes (or who gets caught making a major mistake) and grows up just fine. But not always. Humans are much more complex than that and kids don't come with an owners manual But do I wish they did.

And sometimes a kid messes up big but still manages to recover. I have no problem them get on their feet...doesn't mean a lifetime on welfare.

As for taking kids from their parents....I agree there are babies who would be better off being placed for adoption. But not just because their parents needed a hand up. I am an adoptive mother and have done much reading on the care and development of adopted kids. Experts agree that every child taken from their parent (typically mom) is subjected to trauma on a very primal level. Most recover. But many adopted kids suffer from issues forming lasting attachments, the degree of which can vary. To take a child from a parent, you better know what you are doing and make sure you are weighing the positives and negatives for the child. It's not as simple as it sounds. As an adopted parent, I have struggled with the fact I had to practically run a gauntlet to be approved to adopt, including proving I could afford it. But any old person can give birth and be given aid for their child....but as I don't have the wisdom of Solomon, I just don't know how to solve it for the best of the child.

But of course, you know that since you are so willing to make judgments on what is best for children.

Great post!!

 

[gracie1]

If you read the post by the person I was responding to, she said how long her sister was on welfare. So my only assumption is that the poster was telling the truth... you also missed my point, yes I have the perfect family and children... and most everyone believes that of their own family no matter how dysfunctional it might be.

Hmm... I don't think my family is perfect. Dsyfuntional, yes

 

[tasha99]

If you read the post by the person I was responding to, she said how long her sister was on welfare. So my only assumption is that the poster was telling the truth... you also missed my point, yes I have the perfect family and children... and most everyone believes that of their own family no matter how dysfunctional it might be.

Um no, due to self awareness, most people do not believe that they, or their families are perfect.

 

[leebee]

thomas998 paints the world with broad strokes! I imagine that he, like so many, are fed up with paying for welfare... but imagine how expensive his ideas would be! Paying for foster care, paying for adoption services, paying for orphanages... or would we just leave the kids on the curb?

FWIW, IME the Burt's Bees lip balms really are better. The beeswax gives the stick a lower melting point, so it goes on my sore, chapped lips more smoothly and easily than the cheaper sticks. I know, because we buy them both. I'm always sucked into buying the "cheap" multi-pack in holiday flavors. Why buy a $3 BB stick when you can get six "holiday" lip balms for $5? And yet, we still have those holiday sticks years later because the wax is hard, you have to really push to put it on, and it leaves a thick, nasty layer on my lips. LOVE my BB lip balm... goes on easily, smoothly, and leaves a thin, moisturizing layer on my sore lips, unlike the "cheapies." Yes, sometimes more expensive DOES mean better quality, not just asking for something name-brand to "fit in."

Also FWIW regarding the "ungrateful" recipients, the recipients who sell the kids' presents, etc.: As with everything else, you ALWAYS hear about the rotten apples, lousy experiences, horrible meals, and nowhere near as frequently do you hear about the truly thankful people, the outstanding customer service, etc- it's just not as good a story!

 

[C.Ann]

thomas998 paints the world with broad strokes! I imagine that he, like so many, are fed up with paying for welfare... but imagine how expensive his ideas would be! Paying for foster care, paying for adoption services, paying for orphanages... or would we just leave the kids on the curb?

FWIW, IME the Burt's Bees lip balms really are better. The beeswax gives the stick a lower melting point, so it goes on my sore, chapped lips more smoothly and easily than the cheaper sticks. I know, because we buy them both. I'm always sucked into buying the "cheap" multi-pack in holiday flavors. Why buy a $3 BB stick when you can get six "holiday" lip balms for $5? And yet, we still have those holiday sticks years later because the wax is hard, you have to really push to put it on, and it leaves a thick, nasty layer on my lips. LOVE my BB lip balm... goes on easily, smoothly, and leaves a thin, moisturizing layer on my sore lips, unlike the "cheapies." Yes, sometimes more expensive DOES mean better quality, not just asking for something name-brand to "fit in."

Also FWIW regarding the "ungrateful" recipients, the recipients who sell the kids' presents, etc.: As with everything else, you ALWAYS hear about the rotten apples, lousy experiences, horrible meals, and nowhere near as frequently do you hear about the truly thankful people, the outstanding customer service, etc- it's just not as good a story!

Exactly.. Pick up the newspaper - turn on the news - what do you read or hear? All of the negatives - not the positives.. "Good" doesn't sell..

 

[canadianjovigirl]

I give because it really does make my heart happy and if i fail to spot a scammer so be it, the onus is on them then as my intentions were good and from the hear.and besides they will get their due...........karma is not always kind.

I refuse to let those kind of people make me jaded and will continue to be a giver, because it makes me feel good and thats what is important to me.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I just thought of another area I would LOVE to help, but don't know where to even look.

What about military families who have 1 or both parents overseas? Do they have an organization where you can adopt one of the families?

If you live near a Post you can contact their ACS office. Army Community Service offices deal with Soldiers and their families who are going thru tough times.

I know that our ACS office collects toys to distribute. You can also purchase gift cards for use at the Commissary here http://www.commissaries.com/press_room/press_release/2011/DeCA_95_11.cfm

Once you contact a local ACS office you can send the card(s) to them for distribution.