Really torn on adopt a family

[counteroffer]

My work does an adopt a family every year for Christmas. I always participate and have never had conflicted feelings, until now.

The charity sends the family members names, as well as a little blub about each one so we can get to know them a little. This year here is a bit about the family we got.

1 mom - 9 kids. Yes, 9. One of those kids is 18 and she has a child who is 6. Which means she had him when she was 12. All the write ups on the kids list all the foods they love to eat as well as what they like to do for fun. Most of them list computer, Xbox, Wii and PS2 games. Clealy they have one or all of these items in their home. Then for the mom, it says "name enjoys being a stay ay home mom for her 9 kids and grandson". REALLY? No job AT ALL? There are kids who are old enough to take care of the others so she could go out and get a job.

So I am really conflicted on what to do here. I REALLY do not believe in helping people who do not even attempt to help themselves, which is how I feel about this.

What would you do? Any feelings on it?

 

[Art 1]

I can't blame you for having reservations. It would be interesting to know the dollar amount that that family has taken over the years. Free hospitalization, child birth, welfare and charity. Maybe their time is up and it's time for someone else to get some help. Maybe some family who's father has just lost his job.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Yes. There's no reason children should stay home and take care of children; you don't know why she's single this Christmas, or what happened toma twelve year old that she ended up pregnant at that age; and given that you're uncomfortable with the situation, no, you shouldn't participate.

 

[Stitchfans]

In the past when I had the extra money I always adopted a family but never got information like that. Just said the kids and ages, no adults were included. There also was a choice of buying for senior citizens in nursing homes too.

 

[Goofyluver]

You're not buying presents for the mom are ya'? I thought this was for the kids?

 

[nealymouse]

I worked in the social system for many years. I learned who to pick to help out and who not to.

Families of course who worked hard and made a difference I helped, those who did not I didn't help.

You need to go with your gut on this one. I know we should never judge anyone but in this case I find it hard not to (I know I'm horrible!!) but there are no many red flags to know that this family of 11 should be helping themselves more.

I worked with many families in my day who knew how to get just what they wanted for their kids at Christmas by going to several places and putting their kids on a list.

Go with your gut and heart

 

[C.Ann]

If you're not comfortable - for any reason - tell the organization that this family isn't acceptable for you and ask for another..

 

[counteroffer]

You're not buying presents for the mom are ya'? I thought this was for the kids?

The moms name is on the list, so I am assuming that she wants gifts as well. I don't know why else they would list her on the sheet.

 

[CurlyGirl]

You never know what goes on in someone's life/home and why they're in the situation that they're in. One of those children could be sick and maybe she has to stay at home and take care of that child. Maybe the mother has something physically wrong with her and can't work.

Yes, 9 is a lot of children to have. I agree. Maybe, at one time, she was equipped to handle them all financially and has now found herself in a position where she can't. Maybe the Dad died and left her penniless? Who knows? Maybe 18 yo is the only one who can work so the mom stays at home and takes care of the kids while the 18 yo works.

Yes, it's crazy that the 18 yo has a 6 yo kid ... and sad at the same time.

That X-box/PS2/Wii (if they really have them) could've been purchased pre-owned and could've been the only gift that all the kids got one year for Christmas. That computer could've been donated to them. Those things could've been gifts or hand-me-downs from someone else. Who knows? Just because they own them doesn't mean that they purchased them.

Chances are, they asked for those games because they could return them to the store or pawn them for $$.

The thing is that you DO NOT have to participate in this. If you're not comfortable with it, then don't.

 

[C.Ann]

You never know what goes on in someone's life/home and why they're in the situation that they're in. One of those children could be sick and maybe she has to stay at home and take care of that child. Maybe the mother has something physically wrong with her and can't work.

Yes, 9 is a lot of children to have. I agree. Maybe, at one time, she was equipped to handle them all financially and has now found herself in a position where she can't. Maybe the Dad died and left her penniless? Who knows? Maybe 18 yo is the only one who can work so the mom stays at home and takes care of the kids while the 18 yo works.

Yes, it's crazy that the 18 yo has a 6 yo kid ... and sad at the same time.

That X-box/PS2/Wii (if they really have them) could've been purchased pre-owned and could've been the only gift that all the kids got one year for Christmas. That computer could've been donated to them. Those things could've been gifts or hand-me-downs from someone else. Who knows? Just because they own them doesn't mean that they purchased them.

Chances are, they asked for those games because they could return them to the store or pawn them for $$.

The thing is that you DO NOT have to participate in this. If you're not comfortable with it, then don't.

I agree with everything you said - right down to the very last line.. Only the OP can decide what he/she is comfortable doing..

 

[powellrj]

I understand how you feel. I am a member of a group that would always adopt families at Christmas. In the beginning, I really felt good about the families we were helping. The needs were always very basic. New coats, boots, simple toys. I never had a problem buying simple request.

Well, they changed how we got our families the gift list suddenly changed. Instead of simple requests like lip gloss, they were very specific request like Burts Bees lip gloss. The mother went as far as to ask for a coat that was over $200 at Catherines!!!! I can't even afford a $200 coat from Catherines! We ended up getting her a gift card from there. It wasn't for $200, but it was a very nice amount!

The next year it was for a family that had 1 kid in college, 2 kids in HS and 1 in middle school. Once again, they were very specific wants that were pretty expensive for our group that included many widowed ladies on small budgets. Its one thing to buy a sweat shirt, its a whole new ballgame to ask for a Hollister or A&F one.

Last year we went with an organization. We asked for a list and they had a whole list of things that were very reasonable like TP and paper towels all the way to large things like remodeling projects. You could pick and chose according to your budget. We went with things like sheets, towels, blankets and pillows. They were thrilled! I didn't realize that most people brought in used items and all of our items were new and I think they almost cried. We are helping them again this year!

 

[CurlyGirl]

Here's the thing ... if you don't ask, you don't get. I am sure a lot of these families figure that it doesn't hurt to ask for name brand items because they might get them. Mom likes the $200 coat so she asks for it ... doesn't mean she's going to get it but she runs a better chance by putting it out there than just saying "I want a coat". It was worth a shot to ask for the better one. At the very least, she's probably hoping someone looks at the $200 coat and attempts to find a similar one for less.

Asking for Burts Bees lip gloss over just plain, generic lip gloss or for an A&F hoodie over a Hanes hoodie is a way for kids to "fit in" and be like everyone else. Especially when most of them are being shunned for being poor and not having those things. Most kids with nothing have a difficult time fitting in and feel that if they have these name brand things, their peers will include them and see them differently. It's want of fitting in at school and among peer groups.

Remember ... these kids didn't ask to be born into struggling families. They just want to fit in among their peers and be like everyone else with the name brand hoodies, lip glosses, t-shirts, etc. for once in their livels. It's Christmas and probably the only opportunity they will ever have of receiving something that might make them feel like the other kids.

 

[JaneBanks]

OP, it's up to you what you want to do. Personally, I would still buy them gifts. The children could not help what situation they were born in and I would feel horrible if I passed them over on helping them. Every kid deserves a gift.

 

[npierce25]

I feel that there are plenty of charitys that you can participate with over the holidays, this dose not have to be your only one. Yes, the kids didnt ask to be in that situation.... but you need to not second guess your charitible giving over the holidays. Im sure you can find a place to "give" with out feeling taken advangate of!

Good luck and Merry Christmas!

 

[herdtoDisney]

If you're not comfortable - for any reason - tell the organization that this family isn't acceptable for you and ask for another..

I agree with this. I would do this if I was the OP.

 

[luvmy3]

If you're not comfortable - for any reason - tell the organization that this family isn't acceptable for you and ask for another..

 

[happygirl]

OP, maybe the mom is disabled who knows what is going on. As for the kids asking for high dollar items. What kids don't ask for high dollar items this are kids. They want what other kids want or have. Doesn't mean that is what they get

 

[EMom]

This is why we no longer do angel trees.

As for the children not asking to be born into struggling families......my family ALWAYS struggled. Every day. My parents would have never signed up for an angel tree. And if hell froze over and they had signed up, they would have asked for modest, not expensive items for us.

By not depending on everyone else and their brother (instead of our parents) to take care of our wants and needs, we certainly did without a LOT. What did it teach me? Being poor bites. I didn't want to be poor forever. I'd better get an education so that my odds of staying poor would decrease. And I'd have to work my *** off to do that, but it would better than sitting around expecting some stranger to take pity on me and mine and throw us a bone......even if it was a really nice bone.

Not getting your heart's desire for Christmas hurts. I know because it happened to me. But if even ONE of those kids gets the message, "I will NOT grow up and find myself in this situation like my mother. No way am I having 9 kids I cannot support and can't get Christmas gifts for. I'm going to do the opposite of whatever she did and get out of a life of poverty," then maybe a sparse Christmas would be a blessing.

That may sound harsh, but as someone who has been there, being poor and NOT having someone come to your rescue can be highly motivational and key to deciding to alter the pattern you were born into.

 

[NC State]

This is why we no longer do angel trees.

As for the children not asking to be born into struggling families......my family ALWAYS struggled. Every day. My parents would have never signed up for an angel tree. And if hell froze over and they had signed up, they would have asked for modest, not expensive items for us.

By not depending on everyone else and their brother (instead of our parents) to take care of our wants and needs, we certainly did without a LOT. What did it teach me? Being poor bites. I didn't want to be poor forever. I'd better get an education so that my odds of staying poor would decrease. And I'd have to work my *** off to do that, but it would better than sitting around expecting some stranger to take pity on me and mine and throw us a bone......even if it was a really nice bone.

Not getting your heart's desire for Christmas hurts. I know because it happened to me. But if even ONE of those kids gets the message, "I will NOT grow up and find myself in this situation like my mother. No way am I having 9 kids I cannot support and can't get Christmas gifts for. I'm going to do the opposite of whatever she did and get out of a life of poverty," then maybe a sparse Christmas would be a blessing.

That may sound harsh, but as someone who has been there, being poor and NOT having someone come to your rescue can be highly motivational and key to deciding to alter the pattern you were born into.

I agree with you. My office use to adopt a family and it was a joy to go and share the gifts. Then the families got were they were so pickie about name brands and their homes that they lived in was better than the house I'm in and both my husband and I work for a living! I'm all for help someone that needs it but don't take advantage of the system!

 

[CurlyGirl]

This is why we no longer do angel trees.

As for the children not asking to be born into struggling families......my family ALWAYS struggled. Every day. My parents would have never signed up for an angel tree. And if hell froze over and they had signed up, they would have asked for modest, not expensive items for us.

By not depending on everyone else and their brother (instead of our parents) to take care of our wants and needs, we certainly did without a LOT. What did it teach me? Being poor bites. I didn't want to be poor forever. I'd better get an education so that my odds of staying poor would decrease. And I'd have to work my *** off to do that, but it would better than sitting around expecting some stranger to take pity on me and mine and throw us a bone......even if it was a really nice bone.

Not getting your heart's desire for Christmas hurts. I know because it happened to me. But if even ONE of those kids gets the message, "I will NOT grow up and find myself in this situation like my mother. No way am I having 9 kids I cannot support and can't get Christmas gifts for. I'm going to do the opposite of whatever she did and get out of a life of poverty," then maybe a sparse Christmas would be a blessing.

That may sound harsh, but as someone who has been there, being poor and NOT having someone come to your rescue can be highly motivational and key to deciding to alter the pattern you were born into.

Just because a kid gets a hand out once a year for Christmas doesn't mean that s/he won't grow up wanting to get out of the position they're/their parents are in. Especially when they see that there are things in life that they DO want and realize what it will take to get them. Presents one time a year aren't going to make those kids say "Gee, I wanna be poor for my whole life."

There are kids who will get out and kids who will follow the cycle they're in. I highly doubt that gifts, once a year, are going to change that. You think these kids get handouts for their birthdays? No ... just for Christmas. Some kids have the motivation to break out and some don't.

I work with teens who come from very little. I have seen many receive Christmas handouts and be so grateful for that that they go out and do better for themselves because they want to "return the favor". And I see other kids who want to get out of the poverty cycle so badly but cannot because they don't have the grades to get a scholarship and don't have the cash to pay for college. And I have seen some take one class a semester to get a degree because it's the only way they can manage to do it.