REALLY Looking At Cell Phone Records

[cjb71870]

I hope he isn't telling you what you want to hear. Remember, he betrayed you. Not her. I wish you the best.

 

[AmyJ of Ca]

As many of you know, I had a little situation a while back with my DH and a million text messages to a female coworker.

Although we're working that out between us, I can't help but look at those cell phone records online - over and over and over. Yes, there are TONS of phone calls and TONS of texts between them in the past several months. I've looked at these calls so many times, yet something draws me to look again.

I'm worried I'm becoming obsessed over something that is in the past and was supposedly nothing more than a friendship among coworkers who like to complain about work alot.

Can anyone give me a good explanation for WHY I might be looking at this obviously painful stuff over and over? I need a DIS shrink.

I overheard her when DH called to tell her he wouldn't be in contact with her anymore - she said something like "Why does she think that? Doesn't she know we're just friends? Blah, blah, blah..."

I'm so tempted to send her copies of the phone records so she can SEE for herself just how much time they spent "complaining about work" together at all hours. Maybe then she'd get it.

It sounds to me that you feel your DH hasn't completely fessed up to what was going on. Not saying that he was unfaithful but he atleast probably liked the attention he was getting from the other women. Tell him he needs to come clean COMPLETLY or this will always be the white elephant in the room that you both know about but don't mention. My thoughts are with you. Most of us have been there in one way or another. I remember 10+ years ago Dh was taking a class and all of a sudden he started wearing cologne to shool??? He never wore his wedding ring because he was an Engineer in a factory and it wasn't permitted. I had my suspicions and he finally came clean at the end of the class when she wanted to go out to eat after the last class and he had to tell her he was married. I think he just really liked the fact that someone showed interest in and "he still had it". Take care of yourself. Amy

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess the whole "calling in sick" is also kind of weird. It makes it feel like there is something is going on more than "friends", you know?

 

[Ziva]

After reading all your responses it sounds as if you aren't sure you really believe they were just friends, I don't blame you, I'd feel the same way.

Do you have any extra money to hire a PI or do you have a friend that could follow your DH for you? This way you could prove to yourself that it's over or not.

I just know if DH broke my trust like that I couldn't just take his word that it was over I would need actual physical proof if there was any chance of me moving on and forgiving. There are just too many ways nowadays, prepaid cells etc for them to continue to communicate.

So no way are you crazy, you're reacting the same way I would and I think it's very normal given the situation. Good luck, I wish you the best!

 

[horseshowmom]

She is unmarried. She has a little boy, not sure if she's divorced, separated, never married - all I know is she's single. For a single working mom, she has alot of time to spend chatting on the phone.

I think I'll take him up on his calling in sick offer. There are instances where it would be impossible for him to do that, like when he's out of town and needs to catch a train back home he couldn't call in, but if he's home he can watch the computer to see if they'll get lined up together.

If this is something he can do without it causing a major problem, I'd probably prefer that he call in sick too (it sounds like he is very aware of how upset you've been and doesn't want to make it worse).

I think she had ideas that may or may not have had any basis in reality (which is why she wasn't too friendly to you when you ran into her and why she was so disrepectful about you when he called her).

And, yes, it would have bothered me to see that he was making the first calls (which more than likely was "leading her on" whether intentionally or not).

In your husband's defense, it can happen pretty easily. My DD recently realized that she had let somebody think there might be more there than she ever intended. (Of course, she's only 19 and not a married person.)

They were friends from horse showing (he's in another part of the state). He knew she had a BF (DD talks about him all the time), but they went places together from time to time at out of town horse shows (always in a group with others). They got along well, and DD hoped to get him to ask her cousin out (he even commented one time that he didn't do "fix-ups", because she was hinting).

He texted her all the time, and she texted back (sometimes she texted first) - 104 times on the last phone bill. I warned her that he was reading more into her friendliness than she realized. She laughed and told me that was ridiculous. She asked her BF why the guy wouldn't go out with her cousin (who is adorable). He told her that the guy might have a crush on her. She just rolled her eyes and said, "not hardly". She thought we were way off base - right up until the guy asked her to be his homecoming date.

She was mortified and got herself out of it as well as she could. So, it does happen.

I would feel the same way in your situation. For your sanity's sake and your marriage's sake, stop checking the old records, monitor the new ones as best you can. Do the mental block thing that others have talked about. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's not fair...

Best wishes!

 

[Keli]

If it were me I think the reason I was searching the phone logs relentlessly would be more basic. I'm a firm believer that people are rational beings that do things for rational reasons. At heart I think most of us feel this way.
And here's the reason why I would have a problem with this situation: Men don't usually call a woman, any woman, even a co-worker they are friends with, over and over unless they are developing a relationship with them. And that is a betrayal of their wives.
That it stopped short of an actual affair appears pretty clear (at least to me). But it's still a betrayal and it still hurts, and I'd have an incredible desire to understand exactly who was at fault (both of them) and at what percent (her a lot, him a little, him a lot her a little, about even, etc.).
To me it's like picking yourself up after you've fallen off a bike or something. You are doing a internal inventory to see what's hurt and how badly. I think that's what you are going through mentally right now.
Give yourself some time still. This is a really big deal IMHO and you need time to sort it all out.
All of this is JMHO.

 

[disneylizzy]

It's so hard to regain trust once it has been broken. I remember your initial post. I had a similar situation 3 years ago, where I had to go over the cell phone records and match phone numbers and check times and lengths, etc. (My worst fears came true, we are separated and getting a divorce.) I thought I had worked thru all the feelings of betrayal.

I guess it stays with you for a while, though.

Earlier this month my DD20 was invited to spend the long weekend with her college roommate at the roommate's home. She didn't come home and that was fine. Well, that Monday, when I was all by myself at work, it hit me with sudden clarity.

She had lied to me and was actually spending the weekend in D.C. with her boyfriend. (She has never given me reason to doubt her, but..) I went on line to find out the roommate's phone number and the boyfriend's phone number. I called her phone - no answer. Called the roommate - no answer. I was chicken to call the boyfriend.

I was in tears. I had a whole speech worked out that I would give her when I finally talked to her. All about trust and hurt and how bad it feels.

Well, she called me back and wondered why I had called 4 times over the past hour. She had turned her cell phone off because she was out with Justine (roommate) and Justine's nana, they went to eat at Olive Garden.

I told her what I had talked myself into and we had a good laugh. Apologized to Justine, said Hi to Nana.

I guess my point is that that kind of hurt doesn't just go away because you decide to work things out or not work things out. Its been three years and those feelings came rushing back to me like it was yesterday. I don't know that I'll ever recover my trust in others.

Maybe your DH never did anything wrong at all, but if he was hiding it from you it hurts the relationship and it shakes your confidence and everything that you think you know.

Good luck. Whatever happens, know you will be stronger for it.