Really Frustrated

[irisbud]

Hi ladies,

Just letting out a little vent and hoping you all can talk me down!

As some of you know, we are doing an Escape Wedding in late January of 2009. I chose to do the EW for a couple of reasons, but the most important of those reasons was that I did not want a huge guest list and lots of stress that will turn me into Bridezilla.

When BF called his mom to tell her, we expected that she would join us and maybe one or two of his siblings. Now it turns out that all of his siblings would like to attend, along with their families (just his immediate family consists of 12 people.) Obviously we are having guest list issues, but I am trying to resolve these by simply having some guests that do not make the cut. My parents will NOT pay for the Wishes Wedding, and I am afraid that if we opt to do this ourselves, many of the invited guests will not show up (most of them have no concept of Disney prices; they wil get our newsletter along with our save the date next week) and we will be left with 18 or fewer guests which would leave me if I spent the extra money.

BF has been okay with this part so far. I said no kids under 16, and if we have to we can start cutting out spouses.

Here is the big issue. I am getting so upset just writing this, and I know I shouldn't be this worked up over it! Like I said, we didn't expect all of these people to be interested (BF and his family are not close at all). Now BF is telling everyone we have invited that I will help them to plan their trips and that we will take them around, etc., etc. Basically, he is making this into a giant family reunion! . I am NOT cool with this, and have tried to explain. He cannot see from my POV.

One of the last things BF's father wanted to do before he passed away was to take all of BF's family to WDW. This never happened, so BF and his mom remain the only members of his family that have been. I think that somewhere deep down BF believes he can make up for that loss by offering this opprotunity. That is the type of man he is, and I love him for that . Being outside of it, though, I know that this won't work. I also know that he doesn't understand his own motivations.

BF believes we are obligated to give them a good tip because they are coming down there for us. Perhaps I am a selfish but I just don't see it that way. They are choosing to attend our wedding. Making a vacation of it is their choice.

I tried to explain to him that I put a LOT of work that he does not see into planning our Disney trips. Diseny delivers the magic, but I do everything in my power to make sure we are receptive to it. I don't really want him to know how much work it is for me because it makes it more magical for him. That being said, though, I simply cannot do that for such a large and varied party. His family is very socioeconomically and generationally diverse, so there are a lot of different tastes and budgets. They are all new and will want to try everything. I think that this will be akin to herding cats.

I told him that perhaps we could meet them for dinner and maybe a couple of activites the first night or two. He seems to think that we owe them more. I don't. I guess I really am a , but I learned by doing. We moved our trip to Value season so that it won't be so hard on them. I reccommeded that they purchase guidebooks. I gave them the name of another message board (DIS is best, but I don't want them invading my space anymore than they already are, KWIM?). If they put some effort into it, they can do it!

Also, what about my family and friends? Am I supposed to abandon them in order to chaperone his peeps? I also think I am going to need the day before the wedding to be a day that is for me and my girls. I just know I won't be able to deal with big family issues on that day.

I guess he just can't see where the stress comes from. He knows how I hate having any little thing go not as planned. I can shrug it off, to a degree, when it is just the two of us because sometimes abandoning the plan makes him happier. When there are so many, though, I just don't see how anyone can truly enjoy the parks, when they will simply be moving like a herd of animals from spot to spot, regardless of their own interests and desires.

I really think meeting for dinner is the best thing. I told him it is our vacation too. He says the cruise we will take afterwards is our vacation. We have 5 nights/ 6 days in WDW first, though, and it is my favorite place on Earth so I truly want to enjoy it, especially since it is our Honeymoon.

I did tell him that the day after our wedding is for us and us alone. He said he would think about it, but he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Except mine, I guess

 

[Becx N Gav]

I totaly know how you feel! Some unfortunate circumstances meant our 2 week honeymoon was 'invaded' by my hubbies family (we had hoped the first week, which included the wedding, we would do things with everyone and the second would be for us).
Thing is it was all last minute and we felt obliged to fit in with them, looking back we wished we had been selfish and left them to it, but it was hard given the circumstances.
We're making up for now though as we bought into DVC and have a lifetime of vacations to go!
Hope you get a happy medium, but to be honest we regret not doing what we wanted and feel that we were robbed.
I guess you'll have the cruise but it's not what you origionally wanted, and your wedding/honeymoon should be all about you!

 

[sungela]

Maybe you can compromise: have a very small wedding (parents and sibs only?) and then have an engagement party/shower/celebration with everyone else? Basically, do Day 1: very small wedding; Day 2: party with everyone at a Disney restaurant (should be much cheaper than a wishes wedding); and Day 3: make it clear to everyone that you are on your honeymoon and all you want to do is enjoy your newly wedded bliss with you new hubby. Maybe you can make select arrangements to eat dinner with others, but be clear that your honeymoon is off limits to family intrusion.

Whatever you decide, though, remember that you're inviting adults. You've given them plenty of ways to figure out how to make the most of the trip. Your job is to plan the wedding-related stuff, not make travel arrangements for family. If your DF wants to do that, more power to him, but most people don't and shouldn't expect you to morph into a travel agent.

Good luck!

 

[shezfrombermuda]

I am sorry that you are sad when planning one of the happiest events of your life!

It is just not possible to plan a trip for 20 people and take into account their tastes, budgets, etc...... Some guests may like to go to the parks everyday but I know I have a few that just want to stay at the hotel by the pool and not go to any parks! My BF also has this in his head that we are their to entertain our guests and show them around Disney. I am in the process of explaining this to him. I agree with you: everyone is coming down to share your wedding day with you! All other activities are up to them to schedule and enjoy!

I think I might plan a welcome dinner (will depend on budget) and possible one other dinner or breakfast. I don't want to overschedule people either. You need to have time alone as well! Good luck with your guest list.

 

[irisbud]

Thanks for the suggestions. I am hoping that we can do a welcome dinner, either Tuesday night or Wednesday night, depending when people arrive (the wedding is on a Thursday at noon). We are planning on doing a luncheon at the Grand Floridian Cafe following the wedding. I thought that, if we had to, we could also do a farewell dinner on Saturday night or Sunday morning (our cruise leaves Sunday. I don't know when our guests will be leaving).

I think this is reasonable. I don't want to herd cats on my honeymoon.

 

[shezfrombermuda]

I think a welcome and a good-bye dinner is reasonable too. I like your herding cats line, I might have to borrow it!

 

[irisbud]

I borrowd it from Pete on the Disunplugged podcast, so I don't mind .

I hope your BF can see reason as well. If some want to lay at the pool and some want to go to the park and they all "must" be together, then at least 1/2 are unhappy to start with . And if you're supposed to make them happy... .

I think that my BF can't see that the way we do Disney is NOT the only way. Nor does he seem to realize that the way we do Disney has evolved from trip to trip. A good friend of mine is coming to the wedding with her two older daughters, one of whom will be a brdiesmaid. They have been so many times that they like to get up really late, have an early lunch, go to the pool, go to a park for a while, then go back to the pool or to DD. It wouldn't work for me, but it works for them. What I do wouldn't work for them.

Hopefully all of the BFs will see reason! Maybe I'lll just tell mine, "okay then, YOU plan the trip. Have fun with that."

 

[lurkyloo]

You sound just like me! I do all the planning for our Disney trips, but there was no way I was going to plan a wedding AND be everyone else's travel agent. When this started to happen to us, I delegated the travel arrangements to a competent family member, but I also considered recommending a travel agent. I think some of the brides on this board are actually travel agents - maybe you could pass their info along to DF's family members.

Also, do NOT let the family take over your honeymoon. I can't tell you how many times Disney brides say they wish they'd had the honeymoon all to themselves instead of running around trying to coordinate a million people. We had to put our foot down on this with one side of the family, but they understood why we did it, and our honeymoon was fabulous.

 

[soontobebride]

I can understand exactly how you feel. I wanted it to be just us after the wedding, but obviously you have to realise all of the family/friends are going away and spending all that money for you and your future husband to see your most special day. When we were planning our wedding I said exactly the same as you. We kind of compromised and the day before the wedding the whole group met to go round the parks. The following day (our wedding) we obviously had everyone with us as we wanted them there to share our special day. The day after the wedding my husbands family came with us to the waterpark (which was great fun) in the evening though we had booked to go to V & A which was our time.

I think you just need to balance out everything and work out family time and your time together and then you will have the most perfect time.

At the moment you are stressed because you have an image in your mind of exactly how you see everything, and I can tell you it will be everything you can imagine plus, more it will be the most perfect time of your life and everyone being there will make it that much better.

Enjoy!!

 

[GlobalDiva]

Irisbud...

That's awful!! I know you and BF totally love each other, but forgive me for saying this-- he's all wrong about this event!!!!

The worst thing you can do is attempt to become a travel agent for all your guests when you're trying to plan a wedding What, does he expect you to take down their credit card numbers, and call Disney and make their reservations? And make arrangements for each relative's Disney shuttle service to bring them from airport to hotel? And organize a daily list of activities and eating places? I suppose you can do it, just make sure you charge $20-$30 an hour for the work, because it's gonna be a full-time headache of a job!

Making the wedding trip into a vacation is a guest's choice, 100%. It's a great opportunity to make a vacation, but it can't fall on you to coordinate it all. And if he wants to turn the trip into a family reunion, he should ask someone else to organize it, like his mom , or a sibling. After all, the both of you will be busy with wedding stuff. Then the happy couple could drop in on a meal or something with everyone, and be off to enjoy themselves on their own.

I like the ideas that people have given about having a really intimate wedding, and celebrating with others beforehand or afterward at a restaurant.

I think BF might be worried that people won't know what to do or something, but remind him that they're capable adults, and they don't need every hour of a vacation weekend mapped out for them.

Good luck!!!

 

[Nicola2010]

Hi Amy,

Congratulations on your wedding!

I do know how you feel and it has been nice to read that many brides feel like this.

I cant even book my wedding until next year but already little things are stressing me out.

My fiance's family are lovely... have been to disney every other year since the mid 90's so they know what theyre doing.

My family however, have never been, theyve never been anywhere further than Europe so this is a huge thing for them and i completely 100% appreciate that they want to spend their hard earned money on travelling from the UK to attend my wedding.

That said i get stressed out just thinking about it all and the logistics of the whole thing.

Initially me and my fiance were going to do an escape wedding. we had agreed that my family would come out for 1 week to see the wedding and the days before and after the wedding, within that 1 week we would take them around the parks and show them everything awesome that there is to see that makes this sort of vacation so amazing. we agreed that in the 2nd week, once my family had gone home we would spend our time with my fiance's family and enjoy being a new family together. then my fiance and i would stay on for a 3rd week on our own which would be our honeymoon.

However due to what we want to do, it looks like we have to change to a wishes package. also i have decided to change my wedding date from oct 2010 to may 2010 in order to celebrate my 30th birthday in my favourite place in the world, with my new hubby however in doing this, it would mean that my family would also have to stay out for 2 weeks so they can celebrate my birthday with me.

This should be ok but my sister who will be my MOH has said that she and her husband are not really park people so they will prob go to a couple of them but will do their own thing! i was a bit disappointed as i want them to love disney the way that i do but i said fair enough, they are effectively paying for a 2 week holiday so i guess they should do what they want to do... as long as theyre at my wedding that's fine. Then my sis said that they may rent their own car!!!

They have never been to the US before and they want to drive around themselves on their 1st visit! By this i am petrified that im gonna be flying them home in body bags, which would not be the best way to end my happy occasion. Not that US roads are dangerous but the rules are soooo different i just wouldnt want something bad to happen to them if they didnt understand the rules. But i have been told to not stress about it and to let them do what they want so that is what i will try to do.

It is your day and there is nothing wrong, selfish or unreasonable about you wanting it the way you want it.

If anyone is being selfish it is the family members who are putting this pressure on you! Be strong, stand your ground and just point out that you're never gonna get this time back or be able to do it again so it has to be perfect for you and your BF.

I know that's easier said then done, but good luck, let us know how it goes.

Nicola