Reality check - Inviting relatives on DVC and non-DVC trips?

[SEC]

We are talking about taking two vacations this year, one to New England in the Summer and a DVC trip in November/December. My husband wants to invite his mother on both trips. We have taken my parents and MIL on two DVC trips in the past two years. In the past, we have also taken MIL on two trips to New England. However, I told him to pick one or the other trip to invite her or pick somewhere we could drive so it would be cheaper. I have always bought her plane ticket and if we take her to New England versus DVC, the rooms will be more expensive. I just think it is too much to take her on both vacations and pay for most of her expenses which would equate to about 7 weeks of daycare. I also spend every Saturday (50% of my free time) with my MIL. I do not want to spend all my vacation with her and pay for her to go on two nice trips. We could afford to pay for her to go on both trips but we would have to watch our money and it would be equal to 7 weeks of daycare. My husband's argument for taking her is she is on a fixed income (so are we, actually we get a 1% raise but our health insurance costs will increase more than that). Am I being unreasonable to ask him to pick one vacation or the other to take her?

 

[BEASLYBOO]

Breaking the established pattern of "we've always taken her" is going to be hard, especially on your husband! Then if you do decide not to, someone will have to tell her!

No advice or solutions, sorry!

 

[Brian Noble]

You're not being unreasonable in not inviting his mother. But, my wife would be unreasonable if she were to suggest not bringing *mine*.

In short, this is something that's really between the two of you---every couple's situation is going to be different.

 

[spiceycat]

well you do it another way.

instead of saying babycare - which he probably does not care about.
tell him he would have to go without things - so what does he love?
Football - well no game tickets, etc.
no eating out for lunch - that type of thing - to save money for his mother.

or you could come here and introduce him to my mother. that might help - took her for years to Disney - because she couldn't afford to go.... Yea right - she had over $200,000 plus her house worth $180,000 - which all had to go to the nursing home expensives.

some people don't share - even when they have the money - they don't share.

She is just as selfish at the nursing home. Most of the women won't even talk to her. Guess she is the reason why I share everything.

 

[wulfekamp]

Ok this is going to sound mean but here goes. Tell your husband to cut the cord. He's a big boy now. Taking my MIL on one trip gives me the shakes. I think your very nice taking her on one trip.Nicer than me. Heres and idea tell him he can take her and you will stay home. I was right it did sound mean.

 

[Donna M]

Your DH needs to 'hear what you're really saying' keep talking and be honest. Do you really want to take a vacation with just you, DH and kids or you don't want to spend the money? If you are concerned about the money, is that really the case? There's nothing wrong in saying you want to spend a vacation with just your immediate family and another one with extended family.

Something else to consider is how many more vacations will you be able to take with MIL? I sure wish my parents were alive and I had this dilemma.

 

[toniosmom]

I believe it is important to take some vacations without extended family. It appears by your post that you have graciously shared many of your vacations with her, so there is no problem with you wanting to have one without her. We are taking my parents and a niece + friend on our next trip. However, we had a solo trip this past March and will be taking another solo trip next December 2010. For me, the balance is a necessity, otherwise, I don't get a vacation at all for all of the aggravation.

 

[Inkmahm]

I believe it is important to take some vacations without extended family. It appears by your post that you have graciously shared many of your vacations with her, so there is no problem with you wanting to have one without her. We are taking my parents and a niece + friend on our next trip. However, we had a solo trip this past March and will be taking another solo trip next December 2010. For me, the balance is a necessity, otherwise, I don't get a vacation at all for all of the aggravation.

I agree with this. We take family with us several times each year but also have several solo trips with just DH and me. I really enjoy both but I wouldn't want 100% of either.

 

[ToddyLu]

Love my MIL. She goes to Disney with us 80% of the time. She wants her own space so last year she rented points from us for her studio SV. THis year DH and I (no kids) will have another studio SV and have gotten one for her. She really enjoyed her stay and is very healthy for a 67 year old. She was quite comfortable venturing out alone at Disney and knew we needed our space. Over the years I have become her travel companion and she has taken me to Niagra, NYC and two years ago DH and I to Wash DC. Very nice hotels and everything. DH and I have an argument, albiet friendly. I do not think she should have to "rent" points form us. Of course this is something she wants to do or "feels right" about doing. I think we should jsut be able to gift her the room. She has been a good Mom and I think she deserves it.

Another issue is my parents...they are on a fixed income althought they do travel a bit and enjoy retirement. They keep our dog, put my brother aand I through college, etc....I want to share the AKV experience with them without having them 'rent" points.....so what is good for my parents we should do for his. I realize many people do not get along with inlaws.

In 2004 we took my wonderful FIL to WDW for his last trip. He had cancer and we did a Grand Gathering that fall. It was truly priceless. We knew it was his last trip but of course we held our heads high and enjoyed every last moment. We still enjoy talking about that magical trip and of course there are emotional triggers when we go...it was worth it. Sorry for the rant, I miss him.

 

[toniosmom]

Oh, ToddyLu, it's so nice to read about someone who feels about inlaws the way you do. You are blessed and so are they. Sorry you lost your FIL, but it is wonderful that you were able to gift him with such a wonderful last trip.

 

[Grumpygrandpa]

OK toddylu you made a fifty year old man cry. You reminded of when we took my DMIL to DLR a few months before she passed away unexpectedly. She was wheel chair bound and it was a lot of work for us (mostly my DW) to take care of her on that trip, It was my DGS's birthday-trip and we all remember that trip as our favorite. We treasure the pics we took of her and every trip to DLR reminds us of her.

 

[bethy]

This issue is close to my heart. We are lucky in that we vacation quite a bit throughout the year. About 3/4 of that time we bring MIL/FIL or my parents along. We get along with both of them very well and love them and want to travel with them while they still are healthy enough to go with us. We'll have years and years after that to travel without them. We do one "big" trip a year with just our family of four. Also, another factor is that we live 2.5 hours away from them and so travelling together ensures a certain amount of quality time.

We cover most of their travel costs because we can. They spent a fortune raising us and helping us with college. And they were wonderful parents and if we didn't help with expenses they would be able to bless us with their company. My MIL/FIL aren't actually able to travel by themselves - and so without the security of having us with them they wouldn't go anywhere.

We use timeshares to travel and consider them to be our vacation home. If we had an actually physical second home that was our 100% of the time then we wouldn't charge people when they came over and so we don't do it with our timeshares either. They are a sunk cost anyway.

 

[bobbiwoz]

Love my MIL. She goes to Disney with us 80% of the time. She wants her own space so last year she rented points from us for her studio SV. THis year DH and I (no kids) will have another studio SV and have gotten one for her. She really enjoyed her stay and is very healthy for a 67 year old. She was quite comfortable venturing out alone at Disney and knew we needed our space. Over the years I have become her travel companion and she has taken me to Niagra, NYC and two years ago DH and I to Wash DC. Very nice hotels and everything. DH and I have an argument, albiet friendly. I do not think she should have to "rent" points form us. Of course this is something she wants to do or "feels right" about doing. I think we should jsut be able to gift her the room. She has been a good Mom and I think she deserves it.

Another issue is my parents...they are on a fixed income althought they do travel a bit and enjoy retirement. They keep our dog, put my brother aand I through college, etc....I want to share the AKV experience with them without having them 'rent" points.....so what is good for my parents we should do for his. I realize many people do not get along with inlaws.

In 2004 we took my wonderful FIL to WDW for his last trip. He had cancer and we did a Grand Gathering that fall. It was truly priceless. We knew it was his last trip but of course we held our heads high and enjoyed every last moment. We still enjoy talking about that magical trip and of course there are emotional triggers when we go...it was worth it. Sorry for the rant, I miss him.

What a nice post!

Bobbi

 

[kaffinito]

Personally I wouldn't mind taking MIL on a trip. She needs a little fun in her life. She could certainly afford to pay for it herself, but I know she won't. But she's generous and giving in other ways so it all works out in the end KWIM?

But as another pp said, each situation is different, and if you don't want to take MIL on two trips, then pick one to take her on and then talk to your DH about it so the two of you can work it out.

 

[BEASLYBOO]

Love my MIL. She goes to Disney with us 80% of the time. She wants her own space so last year she rented points from us for her studio SV. THis year DH and I (no kids) will have another studio SV and have gotten one for her. She really enjoyed her stay and is very healthy for a 67 year old. She was quite comfortable venturing out alone at Disney and knew we needed our space. Over the years I have become her travel companion and she has taken me to Niagra, NYC and two years ago DH and I to Wash DC. Very nice hotels and everything. DH and I have an argument, albiet friendly. I do not think she should have to "rent" points form us. Of course this is something she wants to do or "feels right" about doing. I think we should jsut be able to gift her the room. She has been a good Mom and I think she deserves it.

Another issue is my parents...they are on a fixed income althought they do travel a bit and enjoy retirement. They keep our dog, put my brother aand I through college, etc....I want to share the AKV experience with them without having them 'rent" points.....so what is good for my parents we should do for his. I realize many people do not get along with inlaws.

In 2004 we took my wonderful FIL to WDW for his last trip. He had cancer and we did a Grand Gathering that fall. It was truly priceless. We knew it was his last trip but of course we held our heads high and enjoyed every last moment. We still enjoy talking about that magical trip and of course there are emotional triggers when we go...it was worth it. Sorry for the rant, I miss him.

Thank you for warming up my Wednesday morning! By the sounds of it, you are a good daughter and daughter-in-law. My parents are both deceased now and we shared much the same relationship you described, you know what loss is, treasure every moment.

 

[Golden Rose]

We seem to do about half our vacations with family, maybe a little more. Last year we went to WDW 3 times; we did 2 trips with DM and DSF and 1 just the three of us. This year we have two trips planned - one cruise with DM, DSF, and DGrandmother, and one WDW trip with friends. We're tentatively planning another trip with family and family friends for the end of the year.

We like mixing it up a bit - traveling with family is great. We can leave DS with them for a night or two and have date night. We spend some days together and some days doing our own things. On the other hand, we also enjoy taking trips on our own or with friends. For us, it has been all about finding a balance.

If what you're really looking for is some time with just your spouse and children, then by all means, explain it to everyone involved. I think it is completely reasonable to say something like, "we really love traveling with DMIL, but we also need some just us time to vacation as a family from time to time." I would suggest either giving her a choice of which trip to join you on and letting her feel included in the process, or deciding in advance which trip you would rather take as just your immediate family and telling everyone that trip it is a special family bonding vacation for you and DH and your children.

 

[BroganMc]

I really don't like using the "special bonding time for my family" excuse for not including a family member especially a regular traveler on a trip. Think about how that sounds to the uninvitee... "Yeah we always brought you with us before and we spend all our weekends with you but we really want to be with just our family. Mind you, you aren't in our family."

It makes you go from feeling like a valued member of the family to a burdensome piece of chop liver. No way you're gonna get by without some hard feelings with that definition.

It's much easier to cling to the money thing. Fact is money is limited (unlike love) and must be managed in the most impersonal way (unlike family).

If you can't swing it financially then you're wise to face that reality now.

 

[crisi]

I can end up resenting giving up things I enjoy that I worked to earn in order to take someone on vacation. We do it, not infrequently. But we both have to agree we'd rather do that than whatever other thing we are going to do with our money.

It sounds like for you this has gone from a treat you enjoy giving, to something you feel obligated to do and are starting to resent.

And that you are thinking of this in terms of daycare (near term necessary expenses) rather than thinking of this in terms of longer term expenses (I'd have to drive my car a year longer than I'd like and buy one less expensive than I was hoping) indictes to me that you might be able to afford it, but its going to be a stretch.