Re: Divorce - Need help

[DisneyTraveller]

Huge problem right there. Divorce won't make depression better and may make it worse. But also, how can you work with someone who isn't open to, well, openness - and introspection??


Excellent advice. Hope for/work toward the best, but prepare yourself if it doesn't work out. Be smart. He could be getting his ducks in a row while under the guise of getting marital "help". Look deep into your heart to see what's really there.

..

 

[ccgirl]

I agree with you but I don't feel I can push two issues (though VERY closely related) at the same time. If he wants to see a counselor with me I'm grateful for that and I hope that at some point we will be able to discuss depression with a professional too.

It did alarm me today though that he had changed the password to his e-mail and Facebook (yes I was snooping, mainly to see whether he had received an e-mail from a very close friend who had told me he was going to e-mail him regarding our issues, after I called him this morning).

Personally, this wouldn't alarm me at all since I don't even know his passwords. If you wanted to know if he received an email or not why didn't you just ask him?

 

[DisneyTraveller]

Personally, this wouldn't alarm me at all since I don't even know his passwords. If you wanted to know if he received an email or not why didn't you just ask him?

.

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with you but I don't feel I can push two issues (though VERY closely related) at the same time. If he wants to see a counselor with me I'm grateful for that and I hope that at some point we will be able to discuss depression with a professional too.

It did alarm me today though that he had changed the password to his e-mail and Facebook (yes I was snooping, mainly to see whether he had received an e-mail from a very close friend who had told me he was going to e-mail him regarding our issues, after I called him this morning).

This would alarm me as well.

I don't have any good advice. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[ccgirl]

I could have asked him but he was at a meeting. We've always had each others passwords, but never really needed them. We check each other's mail without problems. Throughout the years he has sometimes been traveling in areas where he hasn't even been able to access his email and then he has occasionally asked me to check it and let him know whether there was something important. From time to time I call him from work and ask him to e-mail me documents I may have in my computer at home but need at work. This has simply never been an issue for us.

Oh, that is different. I would wait until he got home tonight and ask him why he felt the need to change the passwords.

Good luck.

 

[suzannen]

My youngest is 4 so I know what it's like. We both also work at very demanding full time jobs so sometimes feel like we have nothing left at the end of the night. That's why date night is so important. I have also been through the financial struggles along with everything else. I exchanged sitting with a friend so her and her DH could start date night too. Often those date nights were just a walk or bike ride or even "parking" so they didn't cost any money. As far as things that needed our attention "more", we did feel like that one time until we went to marriage counseling. Our marriage is just as important as everything else and we always make time for it. After our children grow, our marriage will still be there. Sadly, I have seen quite a few of my friends' marriages grow apart because they no longer knew how to be a couple.

Marriage is not easy work. As to whether or not it is "normal" to feel like your spouse is your roomate, I guess it is different for everyone. I don't feel like that but know others that do.

I have never thought of my DH as a roommate either and we always insisted on having a "Date Night" once a week. Many times that simply meant locking our bedroom door after DD was asleep, having a glass of wine, sharing grapes, cheese and nuts while sitting on our bed with the TV off and talking. Even if we were both tired and someone ended up falling asleep, we always felt more connected. We're happily celebrating our 22nd anniversary this year.

 

[DEA]

First off, OP, I am sorry that you're faced with a spouse who, for the moment, wants out of a relationship that you do not want to give up on. It takes two people working on a relationship to keep it together, but only one to break it up. That puts you in a tough spot, but as long as you don't give up, you will have at least one person on the side of keeping the relationship, and you might be able to convince your husband to work on it, too.

Counseling is a very good idea. I have colleagues (I went to grad school for psychology) who work as marriage and family counselors and, while they have a vested interest in people going to counseling, they have told me that couples have come into their offices at the beginning of counseling dead set on a divorce, but have remained together after having a safe place to discuss the issues and get some outside mediation about their differences.

It is very hard to do much of anything if you are under a lot of stress, and that includes working on your marriage. Especially if there is some depression involved, as a PP suggested, he is unlikely to have the resources available to really try to fix things, even if "fixing things" just amounts to recommitting to his relationship with you at this point.

My suggestion would be to work with him on wants to help alleviate the financial stress. The two of you working together is probably the best way to remind him of the value of the relationship. Having seen friends go through it, divorce costs a lot, even if you live in a no-fault state and can come to a reasonable division of assets without fighting in court. You can make sure that he understands that without using it as leverage to keep him in the marriage. Just, "I know that we're having tough times, personally and financially, but I feel like we can handle this together better than we can handle it separately, personally and financially." You can explain the costs: separate housing, legal fees, etc., to see if the logic makes sense to him. Just trying to push through this difficult time while pursuing counseling can keep things together for at least a while. Things might get better in counseling, and they might not, but you will at least be working together.

I don't know how your counseling sessions have gone so far, but I would suggest, as much as you can, trying to see what he feels is not right. If he has a coherent story that you cannot counter, then it suggests that he does have problems with your marriage. If he can't, though, it suggests that the real issue might be the financial issues, or the possible depression, or an outside romantic interest. Should it be the last thing, those outside romantic relationships can look good when you're married if only because there is no mutual responsibility involved. It's an illusion.

And, just to wrap up, not every marriage ends up being a lifelong commitment, but you two loved each other enough to want to get married at some point, so there is likely something there on which to build. If it doesn't work out, then please respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better than being with someone who has fallen out of love with you. Good luck.

 

[DisneyTraveller]

First off, OP, I am sorry that you're faced with a spouse who, for the moment, wants out of a relationship that you do not want to give up on. It takes two people working on a relationship to keep it together, but only one to break it up. That puts you in a tough spot, but as long as you don't give up, you will have at least one person on the side of keeping the relationship, and you might be able to convince your husband to work on it, too.

Counseling is a very good idea. I have colleagues (I went to grad school for psychology) who work as marriage and family counselors and, while they have a vested interest in people going to counseling, they have told me that couples have come into their offices at the beginning of counseling dead set on a divorce, but have remained together after having a safe place to discuss the issues and get some outside mediation about their differences.

It is very hard to do much of anything if you are under a lot of stress, and that includes working on your marriage. Especially if there is some depression involved, as a PP suggested, he is unlikely to have the resources available to really try to fix things, even if "fixing things" just amounts to recommitting to his relationship with you at this point.

My suggestion would be to work with him on wants to help alleviate the financial stress. The two of you working together is probably the best way to remind him of the value of the relationship. Having seen friends go through it, divorce costs a lot, even if you live in a no-fault state and can come to a reasonable division of assets without fighting in court. You can make sure that he understands that without using it as leverage to keep him in the marriage. Just, "I know that we're having tough times, personally and financially, but I feel like we can handle this together better than we can handle it separately, personally and financially." You can explain the costs: separate housing, legal fees, etc., to see if the logic makes sense to him. Just trying to push through this difficult time while pursuing counseling can keep things together for at least a while. Things might get better in counseling, and they might not, but you will at least be working together.

I don't know how your counseling sessions have gone so far, but I would suggest, as much as you can, trying to see what he feels is not right. If he has a coherent story that you cannot counter, then it suggests that he does have problems with your marriage. If he can't, though, it suggests that the real issue might be the financial issues, or the possible depression, or an outside romantic interest. Should it be the last thing, those outside romantic relationships can look good when you're married if only because there is no mutual responsibility involved. It's an illusion.

And, just to wrap up, not every marriage ends up being a lifelong commitment, but you two loved each other enough to want to get married at some point, so there is likely something there on which to build. If it doesn't work out, then please respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better than being with someone who has fallen out of love with you. Good luck.

Thank you so much!

 

[ohiomom28]

Big hugs!

I understand how tough a marriage can be when you have financial struggles. I lost my job 4 days after we returned from our honeymoon! Not only is the 1st year of marriage tough enough, I lost my job! Things can be saved if you both want it badly enough! Keep your chin up.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I have two friends who both went through times when their husbands wanted to end the marriage. One man actually left the home for six or seven months. But the wives both wanted to stay married, and they both fought for it. Neither couple actually went for counselling (although I think it would have been good) but they worked really hard to make things better. And it worked. Both of them tell me they are now happier than ever in their marriages. They had to dig down and uncover the problems and make some changes but they really feel it was worth it. So if you still love him, go for it!

Teresa

 

[DisneyTraveller]

I have two friends who both went through times when their husbands wanted to end the marriage. One man actually left the home for six or seven months. But the wives both wanted to stay married, and they both fought for it. Neither couple actually went for counselling (although I think it would have been good) but they worked really hard to make things better. And it worked. Both of them tell me they are now happier than ever in their marriages. They had to dig down and uncover the problems and make some changes but they really feel it was worth it. So if you still love him, go for it!

Teresa

Thank you. This felt good to read. He's now says he's very willing to work on in and so am I obviously so I'm holding on to hope!

 

[luvavacation]

My dearest friend is going through a divorce that she, at first, did not want. Now, after seeing her husband of 21 years act like an actual 21 year old, she is sure she wants the divorce, but she still loves him very deeply. I see how hard it is for her to understand why she would still love him when he doesn't wish to be with her, and I feel so sad for her to have these doubts about the person she is and what she could have done differently. My friend just takes it day by day, and hopes that when the divorce papers are finally signed, she will be able to let him go from her heart. I know that isn't really advice, but I just wanted to let you know that, if the worst happens and your husband does not wish to remain married, you won't be the only one that still loves her ex, no matter if he is a jerk or not.

What does puzzle me is the view by so many that marriage is not good if you are like "room-mates". When I married my husband 25 years ago, I never had that physical spark with him that I had with other boyfriends. However, I knew he had strong family values, he was a hard worker, and family was the most important thing in his life. I was willing to put aside hot nights of abandon for a man that would stand by my side until the end of my days, even if he was just a best friend.

While there have been times where I have yearned for the hot nights of abandon with someone else (and perhaps my DH has, too, though he has never indicated that), we have a great life together. My DH IS a hard worker, a fantastic father, a caring man, a man that pretty much gives me whatever I desire (a vacation, a new dog, a new Dyson), and even gave the green light to build out our basement so my mother with Alzheimer's could move in. How many spouses are going to allow that to happen?

Those hot nights of abandon only last for a few hours, if that. A wonderful husband and loving father that will be by my side to the end, that will last much longer than a few hours of pleasure.

Sure, it would be nice to have the whole package in a marriage, but I don't, and I am not going to think of only my wants and leave my DH for my own desires. After all, my dearest friend married a man that was all about the passion, and 21 years later, he still wants that passion, just not the marriage and children. I see that, and I am even more convinced that I made the right choice with my steady, unwavering husband.

So no, I don't think a marriage of "room-mates" or "friends" is necessarily a bad thing. If your spouse fulfills the other things you value in a marriage, then I don't believe a marriage of hanging out on the porch in a rocking chair, watching the world go by with the man that has been my room-mate for 40 some years (God-willing!) is a bad way to say good-bye to life.

Just an aside, but if my DH ever abused me in any way, that I would not put up with. Lucky for me, he doesn't have that much range in his emotions!

 

[SaraJayne]

Thank you. This felt good to read. He's now says he's very willing to work on in and so am I obviously so I'm holding on to hope!

That's great news.

 

[focusondisney]

OP, I am glad your DH is willing to work on things. I hope you can find a way to get thru this tough time together.

 

[DisneyTraveller]

Thank you all for your kind words and warm wishes! We have had a lot of discussions, both heated and constructive in the past 2 days and today I feel more hope than yesterday, and yesterday I had more hope than the day before.

There's a part of me that fears that he has already made up his mind though and that going to counseling with me is more out of respect than a heartfelt wish on his behalf to make things work.

I'm extremely sad, scared and yet still a little hopeful all at the same time.

 

[Piper]

This is probably going to upset a few people, but maybe you should begin by putting your focus on him. Make it a point to do something special for him each day. It doesn't have to be a big thing or cost money. Just something thoughtful. Maybe fix his coffee the way he likes it (if he drinks coffee) and have it ready when he first gets up on his day off -- or any day for that matter.

It doesn't even have to be the same thing each day. When you grocery shop, think about things you know he likes to eat and buy them. Just do small considerate things that you know he likes.

I know this sounds one sided, but you may find that making him feel special means he will return the favor. It is easy to put the kids first in your marriage because they are totally dependent on you. In reality, pleasing your spouse should be a priority. Loving someone means that we want to do all we can for them. We don't compare ... I did this so I'm waiting until he does something for me. It may be all give on your part for a while, but I bet you'll be surprised.

 

[bethy]

This is probably going to upset a few people, but maybe you should begin by putting your focus on him. Make it a point to do something special for him each day. It doesn't have to be a big thing or cost money. Just something thoughtful. Maybe fix his coffee the way he likes it (if he drinks coffee) and have it ready when he first gets up on his day off -- or any day for that matter.

It doesn't even have to be the same thing each day. When you grocery shop, think about things you know he likes to eat and buy them. Just do small considerate things that you know he likes.

I know this sounds one sided, but you may find that making him feel special means he will return the favor. It is easy to put the kids first in your marriage because they are totally dependent on you. In reality, pleasing your spouse should be a priority. Loving someone means that we want to do all we can for them. We don't compare ... I did this so I'm waiting until he does something for me. It may be all give on your part for a while, but I bet you'll be surprised.

My thoughts exactly. The ideal marriage is when each spouse does this for each other. But the reality is that at any given point in time, one partner will have to carry the other for a time.

I get the idea of protecting yourself. But the catch of marriage is that for it to succeed for most people you have to give all of yourself and without reservation. That means that having one foot out the back door can make divorce a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's why divorce is so devastating because you've given all of yourself and your trust and still get burned.

I also agree with posters who say that different set ups work for different marriages. No one formula works for each couple. Personally, I took the route with less daily sexual passion and that has worked out beautifully for me. I could never have maintained that over the years. DH and I are partners in all senses. We've had a WONDERFUL 22 years together.

 

[Buckalew11]

This is probably going to upset a few people, but maybe you should begin by putting your focus on him. Make it a point to do something special for him each day. It doesn't have to be a big thing or cost money. Just something thoughtful. Maybe fix his coffee the way he likes it (if he drinks coffee) and have it ready when he first gets up on his day off -- or any day for that matter.

It doesn't even have to be the same thing each day. When you grocery shop, think about things you know he likes to eat and buy them. Just do small considerate things that you know he likes.

I know this sounds one sided, but you may find that making him feel special means he will return the favor. It is easy to put the kids first in your marriage because they are totally dependent on you. In reality, pleasing your spouse should be a priority. Loving someone means that we want to do all we can for them. We don't compare ... I did this so I'm waiting until he does something for me. It may be all give on your part for a while, but I bet you'll be surprised.

I totally agree with you. It's the concept of the Love Dare, I believe.