Re: Divorce - Need help

[DisneyTraveller]

!

 

[BensDaddy]

I don't have much to say other than that I wish you luck. Most of the time with my wife and I we feel more like room-mates or business partners than lovers. I guess I just assumed that was what marriage was supposed to be after 10+ years.

I hope things work out for you.

 

[SaraJayne]

I don't have much to say other than that I wish you luck. Most of the time with my wife and I we feel more like room-mates or business partners than lovers. I guess I just assumed that was what marriage was supposed to be after 10+ years.

I hope things work out for you.

Please know it isn't.

OP, I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Is your DH willing to continue the counseling sessions?

 

[DisneyTraveller]

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[SaraJayne]

Thank you! Yes he is, and we are going to a new counselor next week who has specialized in marital problems in connection with financial problems.

I think it's positive he is willing to continue the sessions.

Good luck with your new counselor.

 

[mtemm]

I hope you are able to work thru things, I'm so sorry you are going thru all of it.

one thing I wanted to recommend along with counseling is the book, divorce busting (or divorce remedy, by the same author). dh and I went thru a very tough period a few years back which I was pretty sure would end in a divorce I did not want. I read this book, ended up on the message boards over there as well, and those, along with lots of counseling, were really instrumental in both saving my marriage AND making me ok if I wasn't able to save it. My dh will be the first to tell you how much he appreciates what I did even though at the time he thought he wanted out.

We are also dealing with a lot of financial strain and have been for a couple of years now. I know how stressful that alone can be.

good luck!!!!

 

[RadioNate]

Keep seeing that councilor and if he is willing to fight...keep fighting. I can promise you, from experience, that divorce creates problems that he hasn't even begun to think of yet.

I'm also INCREDIBLY jaded however, I would absolutely start looking into who else has your husbands ear. It doesn't have to be a full blown affair but if there is a "friend" who is giving opinions about how things "should" be. Be VERY wary of that person.

ETA - divorce is also financially devastating. I know very few people who have escaped without serious problems. Bankruptcy is common. My ex will have to file soon. I'm ok but I had family to help. My divorce was not terribly complex but we did have to mediate a settlement. All combined it cost more than 20k.

 

[sparklynails23]

If he is honest with you and it hurts your feelings, is that ok? If so, tell the next counselor and your husband that you would rather hear the truth.

I have friends going through this and genuinely think the divorce is inevitable. He isn't trying to hurt his wife and has stayed in the relationship even though people could tell he wasn't happy. I'm not saying this is you, but not all relationships are fixable. Maybe you should try to concentrate on taking care of yourself, legally, physically, and mentally. Good luck.

 

[BensDaddy]

Please know it isn't.

ugh. That probably doesn't bode well for us then either.

 

[SaraJayne]

ugh. That probably doesn't bode well for us then either.

Not if you're both willing to change it.

 

[DisneyTraveller]

If he is honest with you and it hurts your feelings, is that ok? If so, tell the next counselor and your husband that you would rather hear the truth.

I have friends going through this and genuinely think the divorce is inevitable. He isn't trying to hurt his wife and has stayed in the relationship even though people could tell he wasn't happy. I'm not saying this is you, but not all relationships are fixable. Maybe you should try to concentrate on taking care of yourself, legally, physically, and mentally. Good luck.

..

 

[punkin]

ugh. That probably doesn't bode well for us then either.

Even good marriages go through those kinds of stages. When my girls were about 7 and 1 and for about 2 years after that (BTW, we had been married about 10 years at that point and that seems to be a common trouble spot), DH and I were pretty much roommates who occasionally had sex.

When the day to day grind with the girls eased up a little and we actually noticed what was going on, we started working on our marriage (and even did some counseling) and now (at 21 years married) we are doing really well. Don't worry, just do something about it!!!

OP, I would listen to RadioNate's advice about the possibility of a "friend."

 

[ccgirl]

I'm a long term poster and really don't want my personal friends on the Dis to know about what I'm going through. I might have to share it with you at some point but for now I hope you will respect my need for privacy in this sensitive matter.

My husband and I have been going through some difficulties for the past 2 years. The economy has hit us hard and we have been close to losing our home. As many of you have experienced too, this has put a strain on our relationship which has now reached the point of my husband not knowing whether he wants to continue being married. We have been together for 20 years and have children.
Through the past few years I've had my doubts too, but in the end I've always reached the conclusion that I wanted to work on our marriage and not give up. I've always loved him and have always felt that we make a good team. Throughout the years my husband has always agreed.

We've had a few counseling sessions which I felt had done a lot of good and my husband agreed. At least he said he did. But now he seems to be giving up.

He says he has reached the point where he doesn't know whether he loves me the way he feels he should. I'm not sure what that means, because to me love changes and evolves and I don't have the need to constantly feel like we're newlyweds. My love for him has developed into something much deeper than I ever thought was possible. And even though he can sometimes drive me nuts I always know I love him. He says he just feels really numb and that he's tired of everything.

I'm afraid that he's trying to get out for all the wrong reasons. Sort of like he believes that all our financial problems and the strain caused from it will disappear if he gets rid of me. There's no way this will be the case, since we will both have HUGE financial issues on our own.

I'm not sure why I'm writing here....I guess I was maybe hoping someone could tell me about their own experiences. Either about how they rekindled the love in their marriage or about how they finally reached the conclusion that divorce was the only way out.

I'm so lost and sad at the moment

Been there, done that. Poor finances put a huge strain on a marriage. As well as the marriage counselor, I would suggest reigning in the finances as much as possible. It's easy to take each other for granted after so long. My DH and myself have been together 20+ years and our marriage is better than ever. Something that worked well for us is "date night". I think that once kids come in to the picture parents focus so much on them and they sort of forget about their relationship or just assume it will always be there. We try to do date night once a week. Depending on finances, that can be just a walk, a picnic, bike ride, dinner out, movies etc. But, we always make time for each other without our children.

Good luck. THere is hope if both partners want to work on it. He has agreed to counselling so that is a great thing.

 

[clm10308]

The only thing I can think of that hasnt been mentioned yet is to suggest that he talk to his dr or have some individual counseling. From some of your descriptions I get the idea that there may be some depression issues as well which would not be unusual in a financial crisis.

 

[DisneyTraveller]

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[Ginny Favers]

I don't know, I think it's kind of normal to sometimes feel more like roommates than husband and wife. Honeymoons don't last forever. The important thing is that you come back to each other and connect every once in awhile.

At this point, our kids are young, and so we often are living very separate lives. Some nights we barely talk. But that is okay, there are other things that need our attention more.

I do think that if he's always been open to therapy before and now suddenly is "giving up", maybe there is someone now pushing him that way. So I would look into that.

We try to do date night once a week. Depending on finances, that can be just a walk, a picnic, bike ride, dinner out, movies etc. But, we always make time for each other without our children.

I agree with this. Though it is hard to go out when you have young kids and little money, which is the situation we're in now. One thing we do is in the tradition of "Always kiss me goodnight"... we ALWAYS hug, at least once a day. Even if we're fighting. Hugs are amazing things. It instantly makes me feel better, and reminds me that despite our conflicts, we love each other. We've been together 20 years, which is pretty much all of my adult life.

Hugs to you, and best of luck.

 

[BensDaddy]

Not if you're both willing to change it.

One of us is.

 

[ccgirl]

I don't know, I think it's kind of normal to sometimes feel more like roommates than husband and wife. Honeymoons don't last forever. The important thing is that you come back to each other and connect every once in awhile.

At this point, our kids are young, and so we often are living very separate lives. Some nights we barely talk. But that is okay, there are other things that need our attention more.

I do think that if he's always been open to therapy before and now suddenly is "giving up", maybe there is someone now pushing him that way. So I would look into that.



I agree with this. Though it is hard to go out when you have young kids and little money, which is the situation we're in now. One thing we do is in the tradition of "Always kiss me goodnight"... we ALWAYS hug, at least once a day. Even if we're fighting. Hugs are amazing things. It instantly makes me feel better, and reminds me that despite our conflicts, we love each other. We've been together 20 years, which is pretty much all of my adult life.

Hugs to you, and best of luck.

My youngest is 4 so I know what it's like. We both also work at very demanding full time jobs so sometimes feel like we have nothing left at the end of the night. That's why date night is so important. I have also been through the financial struggles along with everything else. I exchanged sitting with a friend so her and her DH could start date night too. Often those date nights were just a walk or bike ride or even "parking" so they didn't cost any money. As far as things that needed our attention "more", we did feel like that one time until we went to marriage counseling. Our marriage is just as important as everything else and we always make time for it. After our children grow, our marriage will still be there. Sadly, I have seen quite a few of my friends' marriages grow apart because they no longer knew how to be a couple.

Marriage is not easy work. As to whether or not it is "normal" to feel like your spouse is your roomate, I guess it is different for everyone. I don't feel like that but know others that do.

 

[bumbershoot]

OP, just keep on going with the counseling, both of you. If at all possible, individual counseling, at least for him (with a trusted person), could be helpful, too.

And what radionate said about divorce causing problems he can't even imagine, that's so true.

ugh. That probably doesn't bode well for us then either.

Different couples have different relationships. If it works for the couple, it works. I have friends who are *constantly* schoopsie-boo with each other, even on FB (and also in person), and quite frankly that would wear me out. And I couldn't maintain it, since I'd feel silly inside of about a minute of the baby talk and cutsie stuff, but it works for them. DH and I have a different sort of relationship, which wouldn't work for others, but works for us. It's BAD when he and I compare ourselves to others, because if we start feeling like we're doing something wrong (like it would probably not work to compare our relationship to SarahJayne's), it harms us. To continue to go along as we naturally are with each other, THAT works for us.

One of us is.

And that changes things. If only of you is UNhappy the way it is, then that needs to be communicated and switched up, if it can be. Even if the unhappy one just starts changing the way THEY behave, it might spark a change in the couple. Who knows; maybe the other one is secretly unhappy with the way things are, but they are frightened to say something (or embarrassed, or nervous, etc), and would welcome some random smooches, etc, whatever might be needed or wanted.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree with you and I've talked to him about it. He doesn't want to hear about it though. Hoping the counselor might at least get him to discuss it!

Huge problem right there. Divorce won't make depression better and may make it worse. But also, how can you work with someone who isn't open to, well, openness - and introspection??

Maybe you should try to concentrate on taking care of yourself, legally, physically, and mentally.

Excellent advice. Hope for/work toward the best, but prepare yourself if it doesn't work out. Be smart. He could be getting his ducks in a row while under the guise of getting marital "help". Look deep into your heart to see what's really there.