Rather Peeved at Step Kids Mom (Should I be??)

[Melora]

I am really irritated at my step kids mom.. (not a new feeling I assure you, but she really takes the cake!)

She and I do all the coordinating about getting the kids over to our house etc because my DH does not want to deal with her.

I will not go into the whole story as it is long and complicated but I have to mention it because it is relevant to what I am irritated about. (And also why DH does not want to talk to her as much as possible)

About 3 years ago(while I was pregnant with our son and she was quite jealous that I was having her ex's baby) an incident happened that resulted in her accusing my oldest son (15 at the time) of touching her son (then 5) inappropriately. (That's the long part of the story and I don't want to take the time to rehash the whole thing.) It was EXTREMELY unfounded. She managed to get child services involved and they were threatening to have my son removed from my house and not be allowed contact with any of his siblings. It was a HORRIBLE experience for all the children in the family as they were pulled out of their classrooms at school and interrogated by social workers about our family in front of their counselors. (Does your step dad drink? do your parents hit you? Are there drugs in the house? does your brother touch you?.. the girls were 11 and 13 at the time and it was so terrible for them.. they also took my 5 year old out of class but he was too scared to say anything to them.)

I was very close to having my little one and the stress was awful! Finally we were able to get help from my exs step dad who at the time was a superior court judge in the LA family court. We told CPS that we had a lawyer and were preparing to sue them as there was no evidence of any kind yet they continued to harass us. As expected they immediately dropped the whole thing and apologized to us. (Exactly one day before they were coming to take my son away!)

A lot of this was brought on by the ex being angry at my DH that he did not side with HIS son in this matter but instead was protecting MY son. She is very vindictive... (No kidding!)

OK.... sorry that was so long but it is the precursor to my vent.

After that whole incident, the ex went about life as if nothing had ever happened. She bought my son gifts for his birthday and Christmas and sent cards etc every year. My son never really wanted this stuff because of who it came from, but he was always polite about it etc.

He just turned 18 on Thanksgiving this year and the ex writes me yesterday a letter in which she states the following:


"P.S. I got all of your under age 18 kids Xmas gifts. Just wanted you to know that I didn't specifically exclude Chris, it's just that I don't get any teenagers b-day or holiday gifts once they become "adults". Unfortunately, it's welcome to "adulthood"!! the hard way! Sorry! "

It just really got under my skin... it was as if he would be looking forward to a gift from her! I tried not to say anything when I wrote her back but I did end up saying:

"Please do not worry about giving Chris a gift, to be honest it was always awkward for him when he got a gift from your house after what happened. "

I probably pissed her off but it was really mild in comparison to what I wanted to say. I mean after accusing him of something so unthinkable she then goes about buying him gifts and signing the family's name year after year as if all is right with the world.


***SIGH*** If you made it this far.. THANK YOU for listening and sorry this was so long....

Also.. opinions on whether Im just overreacting and should just figure that shes trying to "make nice" and make up for her studipity by giving the gifts or if it was not appropriate for her to give gifts after the incident like that. She has since acted as if nothing DID ever happen and it was just a honest mistake on her part, but has never come right out and said "Im sorry for the hell I put all of you through."

 

[Pete's Mom]

Isn't it amazing how people can create so much grief and then try to act as if everything is hunky dory? I don't blame your son for feeling awkward after all that happened. As if gifts could make up for all the trouble that was caused? How about go away, leave us alone, and don't pull any crap like this again? That would be a great gift, right?

But, in all fairness, I understand her sending a note. She is super sensitive to the grief she caused and probably didn't want him to think that she was slighting him after all this time. I think she was trying to handle it with a little humor (albeit bad humor). I liked your response though!

 

[KathyTX]

I think you should feel sorry for this sad, pitiful woman. And try to ignore her odd and immature behavior as much as you can.

And be very glad that all the children have you, so they have the love and support of at least one normal and emotionally healthy mom.

Hope you and the whole gang have a merry Christmas!

 

[CRB#33]

Originally posted by Melora
She and I do all the coordinating about getting the kids over to our house etc because my DH does not want to deal with her.

Okay, this right here (IMO) is totally wrong. Why should you have to deal with his ex at all???? If he wants to be involved in his children's life then HE needs to find a way to work with their mother. Why should you have to deal with that stress, especially after what she did to your child? I commend you however, for wanting your child to have a relationship with his half siblings. I would suspect that's why you deal with her. It's not fair to you, IMO.

About the gifts, my aunts and uncles stopped gift giving when we were 18 also. Her relationship with your son has certainly been odd, but I think it would be a relief to your DS that he doesn't have to deal with her at all now, on any level.

I hope I didn't come off sounding too mean here. I just think you are doing things you shouldn't have to and it's nothing but stress for you. And again, I commend you for even dealing with this woman at all.

Take care and I hope it all works out.

 

[MICKEY88]

this is a really sticky situation, if the situation were reversed would you not tend to believe your 5 year old and want to protect them,, maybe she did over react at the time, {who among us would not freak if our small child told us someone was touching them inappropriately} and is embarrassed by the trouble she caused, and doesn't know how to apologize{it's easier to just forget about it...}

has anyone ever offered or tried to talk to her about the situation, maybe if someone took the first step, you might find out that she is sorry, and would like to apologize to your son, but doesn't know how...



perhaps she did the best she could, by buying gifts for your son,

if nothing else she at least explained why she wouldn't have a gift for him, rather than just not giving one and letting him wonder..

I can't say I blame her for being upset with your husband for not siding with his biological son..

in a similar situation I would have to side with my biological child even if it was only 51%-49% while I uncovered the facts behind the situation..

I commend you for taking the role you have taken, I personally, would never ask my wife to deal with my ex for me...my ex was vindictive as well..constantly told my daughter lies about me,,pushed me down a flight of steps when my back was turned to her,,but I always took care of my own responsibilities...

I would also let Husband take back his responsibility as a father,,


I might be totally wrong with all of my thoughts but this is one of my strengths/weaknesses..

I ALWAYS try to give a person the benefit of the doubt, and to try to see what made them do what they've done..quite often it is all a big misunderstanding that has run wild...

 

[BabyTigger99]

From one step mom to another, just a big

 

[Melora]

My DH does talk to her if need be, but she emails me directly since I tend to know the schedule best.

It is mostly because she is caustic and tends to want to "get into discussions" about things that DH does (or most likely DOESNT do) right in her opinion. It is very hard for him to talk to her and I do not mind making the plans etc. I hate to have to hear her berating my DH for something or going on and on about one thing or another. She doesnt do that with me so it sort of bypasses at least THAT problem. He does talk to her when she drops the kids off (if necessary) but keeps it to a bare minimum.

 

[believe]

I would leave off the second part of the message. I think she is just trying to keep things from being awkward at Christmas time. No need to bring up the past.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Melora, I think your DH should be the one to deal with his ex. Hugs to you for dealing with this!

TC

 

[iamsorcerermickey]

Some people????

Well, I think you handled it beautifully.

You were much nicer than I would have been.

You stated that your son was not comfortable accepting her gifts anyway--did it to be polite--out of respect to you and your husband (good for him and great upbringing on your parts).

Just imagine the look on her face had your "adult" son sent a reply stating exactly what he thought of her and her gifts anyway.

Sorry--thought you could use a little humor here.

Happy Holidays!!!

 

[Melora]

First let me thank you all for your kind replies.... it makes me feel better.... HUGS to you for your responses...

Let me say that of course I would believe my son if he told me something like that.. but DSS didnt go his mom tell her anything... My DSD (7 at the time) had pushed my son over and his pants got snagged and pulled his pants down just enough to see his privates. She thought it was HILARIOUS and kept talking about it. (We were all in the room when it happened and my son was MORTIFIED). My DSS has a speech delay and he repeats stuff constantly.. (theres is a name for it but I do not even want to attempt to spell it). Well when my DSD told her mother about the falling over incident, DSS repeated what she was saying only changed some of the words around and make it sound like Chris showed him his privates. Despite DSD telling her mom that her brother was just repeating incorrectly what she said, suddenly this whole story appeared about how the "touching or showing" might have happened... (We were able to have DSS tell us that he had gone on a plane and ate cake with clowns only by suggesting it once.. he agrees with everything) Ex was convinced that her "theory" was correct. (The kicker was that she had just had him "diagnosed" earlier that week as not being able to put complete sentences together or carry on a conversation, but all of a sudden he could tell an whole incident).. he repeated word for word to us what she had originally "proposed" on the phone. Later he said no that never happened, but it was too late.

Im not sure if I explained that well but it was HUGE misunderstanding and because of DSS delays he only made it worse by him agreeing with everything and being able to repeat what everyone told him.

 

[floridafam]

I'd be relieved not to get a gift from someone who did something like that.

I would just say "okay" and move on and just count my blessings that I don't have to get anything from her anymore.

By saying something back this may result in her getting annoyed again and doing something else as dumb as what she did before.

Just say okay and don't let her get under your skin. Enjoy the holidays with your family and let her be annoying to someone else.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Wow. That's terrible. I have a friend (a guy) who's ex wife is doing something equally sinister (involving child services; she called them and claimed he abused their daughter) to him and he has in effect lost his children until a court deems him a worthy father. She did what she did out of anger that he left her (she was extremely emotionally abusive to him). She is traumatizing their 5 year old DD and since gaining full custody until the court proceedings are done, has pulled the children (DD5 and DS 10) out of school, away from their friends and grandparents, quit her job and gone on welfare.

She has a long history of mental illness and I can only hope that when everything is over, and my friend gains full custody legally, this crazy woman will get the help she so obviously needs.

 

[cati]

As I can certainly understand why you are mad... I think I would have played her own game against her. I would have ignored the whole situation by just not addressing the issue of her note with her. Sometimes ignoring people gets to them worse than if you say anything. If you act like it is not an issue worth even mentioning by not saying anything back.. this kills them. Kind of like killing them with kindness.

If I was your DS I would not want anything from her either.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by Melora
First let me thank you all for your kind replies.... it makes me feel better.... HUGS to you for your responses...

Let me say that of course I would believe my son if he told me something like that.. but DSS didnt go his mom tell her anything... My DSD (7 at the time) had pushed my son over and his pants got snagged and pulled his pants down just enough to see his privates. She thought it was HILARIOUS and kept talking about it. (We were all in the room when it happened and my son was MORTIFIED). My DSS has a speech delay and he repeats stuff constantly.. (theres is a name for it but I do not even want to attempt to spell it). Well when my DSD told her mother about the falling over incident, DSS repeated what she was saying only changed some of the words around and make it sound like Chris showed him his privates. Despite DSD telling her mom that her brother was just repeating incorrectly what she said, suddenly this whole story appeared about how the "touching or showing" might have happened... (We were able to have DSS tell us that he had gone on a plane and ate cake with clowns only by suggesting it once.. he agrees with everything) Ex was convinced that her "theory" was correct. (The kicker was that she had just had him "diagnosed" earlier that week as not being able to put complete sentences together or carry on a conversation, but all of a sudden he could tell an whole incident).. he repeated word for word to us what she had originally "proposed" on the phone. Later he said no that never happened, but it was too late.

Im not sure if I explained that well but it was HUGE misunderstanding and because of DSS delays he only made it worse by him agreeing with everything and being able to repeat what everyone told him.

being a good parent is a difficult yet pleasurable job..being a good step parent is even more difficult, based on the info you've provided I think you are doing a great job and your kids and step-kids are lucky to have you to look out for them....keep up the good work and good luck in your continued dealings with this woman, I think you have showed that you are a better person by taking the high road and not playing her games..

 

[disykat]

It's pretty normal to stop giving at age 18. It's also pretty par for the course to pretend incidents never happened. Obviously she was in the wrong and should have apologized, but would it really have been better if she had excluded your son from the gift giving from the time of the incident?

That said, I totally understand your response to her. It was honest. I'm guessing she probably understands it too.

 

[Lewski709]

There's obviously reasons why DH and she did not "make it". I applaud YOU for handling her. It is very difficult fo ex's to manage and at least he has you helping keep the peace, for the children's sake. Wouldn't he just ask you ANYHOW?

I think what you said to her was a little bitter...but understandable. I can say I understand the whole age "18" thing too, but it isn't a welcome to being an adult thing. She isn't funny.

 

[Kallison]

I think your son should be happy the crazy lady is not getting him a gift and good riddance! I don't think I would bother even confronting her, she sounds like a complete lunatic. Don't you wonder how your DH could have been married to her?

 

[Melora]

Originally posted by Kallison
I think your son should be happy the crazy lady is not getting him a gift and good riddance! I don't think I would bother even confronting her, she sounds like a complete lunatic. Don't you wonder how your DH could have been married to her?

Absolutely!!! <~~~~~Thats her and according to him, she has always been like this.

 

[trishy]

Some things I might include in that letter to the witch:

It's all right to be ignorant, but it's stupid to make a career out of it.

Wisdom eventually comes to all of us. Someday, it might even be your turn.

Is that a conclusion or simply the place where you got tired of thinking?

When I want your monkey-brained opinion I'll rattle your cage.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ****.

Are you always this ignorant, or are you making a special effort today?

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge but it looks as if you just gargled.

I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance

If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're practically invulnerable.

You could type every thing you know on the back of a postage stamp.

I've got a minute to spare, tell me everything you know.

If clues were shoes, you'd go barefoot.

You are obviously suffering from Clue Deficit Disorder.

If ignorance were a disability, you'd get the full pension.

oh, and of course - "Seasons Greetings"
take care, Melora - don't let the crazies get to you.

from,
your california neighbor