rambling about a romantic issue

[NMAmy]

The family stuff and stress are just excuses. If you were the woman of his dreams, he'd find a way to cope with it all. You are grasping for any little bone he throws you by making excuses for him.

You won't move on and find someone else until you totally cut him out of your life. He likes you but, as obviously you realize on some level, he's just not that into you. You're a friend with benefits. Why shouldn't he drag you along until something better shows up in his life? It's better for you to move on now than feel more heartache when he finds someone he is into...because that is going to happen eventually.

Get busy with the rest of your life and quit being a booty call buddy. You deserve better.

Exactly. If he really cared as much as you seem to think he does, he'd find a way to make a relationship work around the stresses in his life. Don't make excuses for him and quit waiting around for something that may never happen.

 

[Scurvy]

It sounds to me like he's been honest with you. He doesn't want a romantic relationship with you right now. He could see himself possibly wanting a relationship with you at some point in the future - but there's no way of knowing if he'll ever actually get to that point. I don't think either of you is doing anything wrong - some people are happy with relationships like you are describing, but that's when neither one of them wants anything more than a friend with benefits. If you want an actual romantic relationship and he doesn't then I think you are right to move on.

As Frantasmic pointed out, he does seem to be intent on honoring his current commitments. He is comitted to caring for his mother, first and foremost. He is not willing to let another relationship take priority over that one at this time. As NMAmy said, it's true that he could make time for you and find a way to make the relationship with you work if it was important enough to him, but he had been honest with you that he is not going to try to do that. At this point you obviously want different things from each other. If you think it will be too hard on you to maintain a stricly platonic relationship with him (No "adult" stuff!) and you aren't happy with things the way they currently are, then the best thing probably is to just cut off all ties with him. I know that will prbably be hard on you - but who knows, maybe it will be hard on him, too. While you are learning to live without him maybe he will be realizing that he doesn't want to live without you and he'll try to work things out with you. Good luck, whatever happens.

 

[TLuvsD]

I was engaged in college to a great guy. We started as friends and we still are friends. But the reality was we would not be good partners in life. Breaking it up was hard on both of us...and the only way to do it was a clean break. No contact whatsoever for 6 months or so. Today we are both happily married to other people, and we are good friends. We will in different states, but talk on the phone every couple of months.

The point of this long story it that you need to get out of this relationship. It isn't going anywhere. You need to more on with your life. No contact with at all for a prolonged period of time is really best. Give yourself time to meet new people, develop new habits. You don't want to wake up 5 years from now and still be in the same place.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Hmm, take this from a princess that had to kiss a lot of frogs to find her prince (if you know what I mean), you need to MOVE ON. He is keeping you in his life as his "fall-back" girl. When he's got nothing better to do, he does you. Sorry to be so harsh, but that's what it sounds like.

I totally agree. Put down the frog, wipe off your lips, and chalk it up to life experience.

 

[indimom]

Okay, let's go with the theory that he really does mean every word he says. He just doesn't have time for a serious relationship, he really likes you, but he has too much going on in his life to make commitments.

He could mean it in his head.

BUT, the cold hard reality is:

He is NO gentleman or he wouldn't be using you this way. He is being very selfish by allowing you to hang on to him when he is clearly unavailable. You are convenient when he needs you emotionally and physically. But he isn't willing to give YOU what YOU need.

This comes down to you. How long are you willing to be there for him when he has time? How many years of your life are you willing to set aside for a man who "might" be able to have a relationship with you "someday."
You could waste the best years of your life pining after a man who will never be there for you. I think you could do much better than this....

 

[corndog]

Hmm, take this from a princess that had to kiss a lot of frogs to find her prince (if you know what I mean), you need to MOVE ON. He is keeping you in his life as his "fall-back" girl. When he's got nothing better to do, he does you. Sorry to be so harsh, but that's what it sounds like.

This is, without a doubt, the absolute greatest post I have ever read on the Disboards.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

This is, without a doubt, the absolute greatest post I have ever read on the Disboards.

Where's that dang Tag Fairy when you need her?

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Please read "He's just not that into you".

This guy isn't for you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

He is lost 20 year old male 'child' who is taking what he can get FOR FREE, with no promises or commitments...

Run.... Run very very fast.

I can almost guarantee that if you don't, you will wake up in another 1, 3, 5, 10 years and realize that you still have these very same issues in your relationship....
A guy like this doesn't offer more, and continues to make brilliant excuses, as long as he is getting what he needs for free.
You are enabling, and 'teaching', him that you can be manipulated this way...

RUN

 

[sunnyday123]

Exactly. If he really cared as much as you seem to think he does, he'd find a way to make a relationship work around the stresses in his life. Don't make excuses for him and quit waiting around for something that may never happen.

Yea. The one of the biggest mistakes I ever made was buying "excuses" from someone.

Also, you have to try on a lot of shoes before you buy a pair.

 

[si-am]

Oh, I have been in similar situations. I used to justify it to myself, too. "He's too busy, trying to get his life together, doesn't have time for a girlfriend," etc.

But the truth is, if he wanted to have a girlfriend, he'd find the time.

I think you need to move on and I KNOW that's not easy.

 

[mjkacmom]

Hmm, a 21 year old who lives with his ailing mother, a security guard most likely making close to minimum wage, I can see why you are so smitten. The fact that he's known you this long, and still doesn't want to date you, is the icing on the cake for this catch.

You know the answer. Friends with benefits only works if no one is emotionally involved. In this case, he isn't, and you are.

 

[whogirl'smom]

Ok, to try to be brief, he's 22. He's just being 22. The difference between a 22 y/o boy-man and a 27 y/o woman is huge. No 22 y/o is going to turn down um, "adult" dates unless he is in a coma. He's not being disrepsectful to you, OP, he's only being himself. He works 7 days a week, takes care of his mom and while he's been a friend, it's clear that that's all he's going to be.

OP, I think he's attractive to you b/c this is "easy" for a relationship. It doesn't require the type of adult (not "adult" ) connection you have with someone that you're trying to forge a mature relationship. I know, I've been there before many years ago. It's easy for me to look back and see that it was wanting the being in love stuff and the illusion more than the person it was directed at, at all.

This can work for you for now but only if you're able to see it as a physical relationship with someone you hang out with sometimes. Trust me, your guy is looking at it this way.

 

[MiniGirl]

My college boyfriend and I dated for over 7 years, so yes, quite a few years after we graduated. He told me all along that he didn't want to get married. He did propose once -- when he knew I was ready to walk away. We were engaged for 2 years and never set a date. Eventually, I came to realize something very important. Know what that was? He didn't want to get married. Silly me. He had been saying it the whole time. I just wasn't listening or maybe I was thinking he would change his mind. Finally, though, I moved on, and I'm so happy I did. I went on to meet and marry the most wonderful man I could imagine, and have 2 great kids.

So, OP, he's being honest with you. You should listen to him. Your guy is out there somewhere but you'll never notice him if you are fixated on this guy.

 

[johnsontrio]

I'm going to give you some advice based on my previous life as a twenty++ year old single gal. For the record I married just before my 30th birthday and spent my 20s happily dating and having a couple long term serious relationships that could have ended in marriage, but for various reasons didn't. Somehow, by God's grace I guess, I realized in my late 20s that I really did want to be married and have a family. At that point I decided to date anyone that seemed to be a reasonable prospect, but only date them for a 6 month period. This is not information I shared with them by the way. When they asked to define the relationship, I usually said I'm hanging out with you as long as we are both having fun. At that 6 month mark, I then decided if that relationship was one that was on track to become something long term. If it wasn't, time for that to end.

I also decided that if I had a goal of getting married that living together was not something that would benefit me so I ruled that out. I figured living together was something that carefree early 20 somethings did, not people that wanted to become parents. The other decision I made was that I had a much clearer head for how I felt about that person if I didn't involve those adult activities you were mentioning in your post. My opinion is that in many cases, women confuse good s*x for love and intimacy creates feelings that cloud your judgment.

Now on to how I figured out who were good candidates for what I had in mind. All those years of dating allowed me to develop a list of fatal flaws. Mine included drugs, alcoholism, cheaters, men that had a basic disrespect for women, unemployed, uneducated, etc... Your list may vary. My list of fatal flaws prevented me from wasting 6 months with someone that wasn't going to be someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Within a year, I started dating the man that became my DH and I can honestly say my family and friends say I won the husband lotto.

I sympathize with you and know you are hurting over this relationship. It is time for you to seriously consider what your goals are for yourself and go about getting them. In life, people only get what they are willing to settle for. Don't waste any more of your precious time with this young man.

 

[Judy from Boise]

I think he has been very clear & honest to you that he is in no way, shape or form interested or capable in any real deep relationship the way you want from him.

It seems, what you give him is companionship, comfort and the occasional booty call, which considering his life situation, is all pluses for him. You fill a space a void in his life, but you are not the girl of his dreams. Is that all you want to be? A space filler?

Even if his total life situation changed, there doesn't seem to be that kind of head over heals chemistry for him that you feel.

As for long will it take for you to get over the other person? That depends on when you will truly let him go and end things, then fill your life with another focus, interests and activities that are meaningful to you. It sounds like he is one of the most compelling things in your life right now. It is hard to give up that romantic high if your life isn't filled with other situations that are just as emotionally fulfilling.

This exactly

 

[java]

He's being very clear with you- he doesn't want a relationship (with you unfortunately) You can't make him want one. But you can, I believe, find out if he is into you in the least- find a new boyfriend. It's amazing how the feelings come rolling out if they are afraid of losing you for good.

Casual can only work if both parties are feeling casual. You clearly are not. And he's been clear in what he wants -I guess I don't know what you are waiting for? I think you deserve way better than that.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Seems from what you wrote in your original post that he's a mature young guy to recognize that he likes you, but that he's too busy to have a relationship right now. Relationships take a lot of work, a lot of time, and a fair amount of money. He's leveling with you. I also think that your feelings are normal. You'd *like* to have a friendship with him (and him with you), but perhaps that's too difficult right now while the feelings are so strong. It's too easy to slip back into the old dating roles, even if you're not really dating. And it's also easy for you each to give mixed signals, even unintentionally. And yes, I do speak from experience and it's not easy....not easy to care about someone and not have them care as much and in turn, hard to have someone care about me and me not care as much. With the latter, I got told by my therapist that I was giving mixed signals and she was right...and I cut it off completely.

 

[mickeysgal]

You're wishing him to be something that he's not. No matter how hard you wish it, it's not going to change. He's walking the talk. He's told you directly he can't get serious. At the ripe young age of 20, he has his hands full taking care of the household and his mother. What he has in place now for his lifestyle is working for him and he said he's not interested.

It's time to move one with your life. You don't want to be waiting on a "what if". It's time for YOU to be the priority in your life.

Good luck!