Question From a Teen DISer

[jbcheerchick93]

Hi everyone!

My name is Jesse and I'm a 16 year old girl. I'm currently starting to date a boy who is 17, just graduated (I'm going to be a Junior) and lives about 35-40 minutes away. My mother recently said that she is unwilling to drive me to go see him at all. I'm curious as to why, although she doesnt always explain. She belongs to these boards as well but hasn't been on in about a year. So to the point of my question, do any moms/dads out there have a problem with driving far distances more, or older boys/girls for your childrens' SO?

I'm just trying to understand this from a mother's point of view.

TIA!

Also, I will be getting my license soon but I am not sure whether i will be allowed to drive to see him considering that I would need to take two major highways (the busiest in my state) to get there.

 

[java]

Well from a mom of a 16 year old boy. His girlfriend lives 20 minutes away. I call her geographically undesirable.
I do drive him to her about once a week. I will pick her up on trips heading that way. But from my point of view- think of it as you are going to have a great time- your mom is just the cab. Driving over an hour round trip to worry about her daughter with a boyfriend. Not fun. then getting to drive another hour round trip to pick you up.

A suggestion maybe offer a suggestion of meeting halfway point.

And understand that your mom may just be freaking out and not ready for the dating thing. But trust me she'll get used to it. It's scary for us moms and it's not that we don't trust you(our own children) it's the one your dating that we don't know and are not sure that we are willing to trust just yet.

Good luck.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

It's an inconvenient drive. That's an hour and a half of your day to get you to your SO. 3 hours if she picks you up. That's too much to ask of anyone not directly involved with your relationship especially if this is a regular thing.

And that isn't even considering gas.

It's a pain to be a taxi service for whatever reason and a 30-45 minute one way drive is a request I would decline unless there wAs a compelling reason. Him not having a car (for example) is not a compelling reason.

 

[Kimberly]

Sorry to say, but unless you can drive yourself, that's too much to ask of anyone to be your personal driver to pick up someone that far away. I would just stay friends considering you're still young anyway. Not saying to give up all hope, but just remain friendly until dating can become "easier."

 

[clh2]

Another mom here...and while my DD just got her license - so things would be a little different right now.

I've spent a ton of time getting my DD to practice, from practice, to church, from church etc. I have repeatedly joked that I should be getting a "beaded seat cover" in my car as I felt like a cab driver.

After I work all day, try to get something resembling dinner on the table, some housework done, and grocery shopping done - I'm just tired.

 

[laurie31]

I like the term "geographically undesirable."

My girls are too young to date, but DD11 has made friends with a girl who lives 20 minutes away. She's nice, they get along well, and if she lived a few blocks away, I'd be happy to have her over (or DD go over there) all the time. But DANG. It takes close to an hour to drop off and then another hour to pick up. They're lucky if they get together once every two months.

Forty minutes? Each way? No way, no how. Not if he were the nicest, smartest, cutest boy on the planet. That distance would be a deal-breaker for me. Sorry.

And even if you (or when the time comes, my DDs) are careful, safe drivers, I don't think 16 year olds should be out driving on the worst roads in the state. Inexperience can kill you. The busiest interstate in our state goes by our house. My girls won't be driving on it at 16. It's not that I don't trust them- it's that I don't trust everyone else!

If my DD was 18, AND could drive herself, AND had her own gas money, I would be much more open to the idea. At 16...it just seems too much.

You are mature to ask opinions of other moms, to try to see your mother's viewpoint, rather than just assuming she doesn't want you to see this boy. I think I would rather have a root canal than spend 3 more hours a day in the car. Think how you would feel if your mom wanted you to drive 3 hours to do something SHE wanted to do, that didn't include you at all. And she wanted you to pay for the gas. In my car, that trip would cost about $10.

 

[princess.chell]

Hey Jessie...

Just another teens perspective. I'm 18 and am "dating" a guy who lives 30 minutes away from me. I have my own car and pay for my own gas. I drive out there, or he drives to me, about one or two times a week, sometimes less than that if we are both feeling super lazy or are real busy.

I can see where your mom is coming from, especially at your age. I know you may see differently, but how serious can you get with some at 16/17 when you guys live 30-45 minutes away from each other? Your mom probably doesn't want to drive because it's not a serious relationship, its just dating.

But, I can see where you are coming from. I miss my boy like crazy sometimes, but have to make do with talking on the phone because of the distance.

In all honesty, at your age, I would just have fun. Don't get into anything serious, you're too young. I'm 18 and I don't do relationships. Spend time with your friends by you or with your family. If you really want to see him see if she will compromise and let you pay for the gas.

 

[BuffettFan]

My daughter is old enough to drive now....but before she got her license, she was dating a guy who lived about 25 min away. (And yet they still went to the same high school....hahaha! Yes, we live in the boonies!)
I didnt have an issue driving her there, or picking him up. But thats prob because I live in an area where you have to drive 15 min each way just to get to the grocery store.
It might have bothered me if I was doing ALL of the driving..but since he was willing to do at least 50% ...it all seemed fair ! And it also helped that she was always appreciative and both of them always remembered to say thank you....each and every time I donned my "cabbie cap"!

 

[dislaney]

I love the term geographically undesirable. I have done a ton of driving for my children and driving my 16 year old to see her 17 year old boyfriend would not really be on the top of my list of things to do. My question would be why does he not drive to see you? Most boys who are really interested in you will make the drive to see you. Do you think that may be your Mom's issue?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hi everyone!

My name is Jesse and I'm a 16 year old girl. I'm currently starting to date a boy who is 17, just graduated (I'm going to be a Junior) and lives about 35-40 minutes away. My mother recently said that she is unwilling to drive me to go see him at all. I'm curious as to why, although she doesnt always explain. She belongs to these boards as well but hasn't been on in about a year. So to the point of my question, do any moms/dads out there have a problem with driving far distances more, or older boys/girls for your childrens' SO?

I'm just trying to understand this from a mother's point of view.

TIA!

Also, I will be getting my license soon but I am not sure whether i will be allowed to drive to see him considering that I would need to take two major highways (the busiest in my state) to get there.

If you are dating, the guy comes to your house and not the other way around. You said you just "started" to date him. That means he does all the work.

 

[laurie31]

If you are dating, the guy comes to your house and not the other way around. You said you just "started" to date him. That means he does all the work.

I've been thinking about this thread and realized that DH and I lived about 30 minutes apart when we started dating, but I was 23 and he was 25, so we didn't need "help" getting together. And yeah, he came to my place for the first year or so!

BuffetFan, we live kind of "out" too (that's how DD11 goes to school with the girl who lives 25 mins away -lol) so if she, at 16, wanted to date someone from "around here" that was a 25 min. drive, I'd be okay with her driving there, but not 40 minutes on the worst interstate around. Not even 10 minutes on that interstate! And maybe that's why the thoughts of MORE time in the car is so repulsive to me-lol. I have to drive so much already. Band = 75 minutes, flute lesson = 45 minutes, horseback riding= 90 minutes, harp lesson = 90 minutes, and that's just driving times, PLUS the time I sit there during the lesson. Then there's work = 50 minutes, grocery store = 30 minutes, church = 30 minutes, etc. Sigh. I used to have this lofty ideal that I wouldn't let our DDs drive until they were 18, but now I'm counting the days until they can chauffer themselves! At least around here!

OP, princess.chell has some good advice for you, too!

 

[golfgal]

From a mom of teens I see several issues with this, the first being the distance and taking that much time out of the day to get you back and forth. Second, when you get your license, don't automatically assume you will be able to drive that far right away. I know my kids were/will not be allowed on longer car trips like that for a while after they have their license, they just don't have enough solo experience yet. Third, has your mom met your boyfriend yet? If not, that should be a priority. I am not old fashioned enough to thing that he should ONLY come to you but for the first date or two that would be reasonable.

 

[PatsGirl]

Maybe if you took some of the burden off Mom during the week (like doing some extra chores that SHE would normally do on the weekend) it might free her up to drive you? At the very least it would show you are trying to work this out rather than expecting her to give up two hours of her time....

It is 20 minutes to our middle school which is shared with towns as far away as one hour. The high school is 35 minutes away with the same geographical population. This always presented a problem for DS when he wanted to see friends, boys or girls. DD goes to a charter school where she has made good friends who live an hour away. Again, a problem for me. If the other parent can meet me halfway I usually relent. But, almost always only on the weekend and not late at night.

Good luck with your Mom!

 

[mom2travel]

I also like the term "geographically undesirable" We've had a few of those DD(10)'s school is within our neighborhood and she usually hangs out with friends within walking distance; I am definitely not as excited when she asks to play with someone who lives 10 or 20 minutes away.

Our teen DS dated a girl this past winter who lived about 20 minutes away. Sometimes he went there, sometimes she came here. We worked out a plan with her parents that we would each drive one way when they got together so neither of us would have to spend over an hour in the car dropping off and picking up. Worked out great.

The next girl he dated also lived further than convenient away, but at least she went to his school. So they would walk to get ice cream or pizza or go to the movies after school, and we would just need to pick up. Or sometimes she would take the bus home with him and hang out around here.

To OP - since your guy can already drive, unless your mom has a problem with him (which you won't know unless you ask her) maybe he can come to your house more often than you go there.
And as far as you driving there after you get your license, I doubt your parents would be immediately comfortable with that. As a parent of a teen starting the driving process, I have become more aware of all the people out there who don't drive very well. So although I believe our son will be careful and pay attention, in reality he won't have the experience to react quickly to different driving situations, and I definitely don't trust all the other drivers out there!

 

[Shmily1]

I have DS20 and DD19. I've been the taxi before and totally see the point. I've been way more willing to be the taxi in several instances--when they weren't whining about it, when they were agreeable and met me half way on what they were asking, and when I liked the person they were asking to see. One time DD was "dating" a guy that I knew would grow up to be a beater. I wasn't real interested in driving her there.

I also agree with the PPs that if he's old enough to drive and his parents don't mind, then he should be coming to see you. Moms are picky about their babies, especially the girls, and it's much easier on our minds if he's at your house with you. That way we know you're ok.

Good luck!!

 

[Trish Bessette]

Wow this was an eye opener to me - 35 minutes away you say?

That is how far I have to travel to do anything around hereI have a 16 year old DD and she does have her license and a car. She has to drive 35 miles just to get to high school

So, to me I wouldn't think twice of bringing my DD's to see their boyfriend who lives that far away as that is "normal" travel for us.

If your parents approve of you spending time with him do you know of anyone who travels that way each day for work? You could catch a ride in and home with them? Only if your parents approve that is...

 

[jbcheerchick93]

I love the term geographically undesirable. I have done a ton of driving for my children and driving my 16 year old to see her 17 year old boyfriend would not really be on the top of my list of things to do. My question would be why does he not drive to see you? Most boys who are really interested in you will make the drive to see you. Do you think that may be your Mom's issue?

If you are dating, the guy comes to your house and not the other way around. You said you just "started" to date him. That means he does all the work.

From a mom of teens I see several issues with this, the first being the distance and taking that much time out of the day to get you back and forth. Second, when you get your license, don't automatically assume you will be able to drive that far right away. I know my kids were/will not be allowed on longer car trips like that for a while after they have their license, they just don't have enough solo experience yet. Third, has your mom met your boyfriend yet? If not, that should be a priority. I am not old fashioned enough to thing that he should ONLY come to you but for the first date or two that would be reasonable.

This is something that I forgot to mention! In the past 7 times or so that we have spent time with each other his father has driven to my house, picked me up, then dropped me off after or at my cheerleading practice if i happen to stay for dinner that day. Two of the rides (both there) have been provided once by my mom and once by my dad. The boy does not have his license yet either, so its not all that possible for him to drive here, and its easier if we spend time at his house since it is set up more for his current issues. He recently had surgery on his ankle so its hard for him to get around, he has to ice every hour, etc. His mom is open to him driving here once he gets his license and there are ways that I can go to get around the busy roads it just would take longer. There are also other issues for during the day, he was adopted and his family goes to group therapy int he afternoons, he has his ankle appointments in the afternoons, etc.

Thank you so much everyone for offering the parents' point of view!