Question for those who have seen a therapist

[Rajah]

Real, honest question here, not just stubbornly shooting off the usual snap-back response.

What could the EAP/therapist really do to help me?

I've already got friends who I am talking to via the method I use to actually get my feelings out. That's email/IM/etc. So I'm not bottling things up (except at work).

I'm taking medication to help "round out" the rough edges during the day or night.

I *know* what activity is therapeutic to me, and that's what I want to go home and do -- not just go home and hide.

I'm not asking myself *why* he did it, I feel we know why. Rather than why did he do it, it's more why did he do it *that day* instead of later. And even that I have a pretty good feel for.

I know that it's going to get rougher before it gets easier, but I know that it will get easier.

I'm eating pretty much as normal, and drinking pretty much as normal.

What more is a therapist going to be able to do to help?

I've had 3 people in the past hour tell me I really need to go in myself now. But if all they're going to do is tell me I'm already doing everything they can do to help, I don't want to waste the time or money going to a therapist.

So... what more can they do to help?

 

[suzannen]

Rajah,
Therapy is different for everyone and so much depends upon your therapist. I only went at one point in my life and that was for "short-term" therapy (6 months) following the breakup of my first marriage. What my therapist was able to help me do was not simply "re-hash" and emote my feelings, but rather examine what role my own behavior have helped break up my marriage. I had let myself become the victim and realized I had never learned to stand up for myself and was also fearful of any confrontation. She gave me ways to retrain my behavior so I would not keep falling into the same trap. (I became really assertive for about 2 months as I started telling people NO for the first time in my life.) She taught me how to fight fair in a relationship, helped me realize what was really important to me in a relationship. She also helped me take the feelings of grief and depression I had and put them into more constructive channels like writing, exercising, traveling... My friends just could not have helped in that way.

Good luck in whatever you decide. Sounds like a rough time for you.

 

[TigerBear]

I saw a therapist briefly when I was going through my divorce. After the third session, she suggested terminating because she thought that I was well on the road to recovery - she predicted that I was about to "bloom". Was she right? In some ways. Did she miss some things? Probably. I do think it was uncomfortable for her that I am a psychologist - and that most of my friends are psychologists.

Therapy isn't effective for everyone. I believe there has to be a good match between the therapist and the client for real progress to be made. What could you get out of therapy? My suggestion would be to find a therapist and explore with him/her some of the possibilties. Grief is a complicated thing. Maybe you have questions that you don't even know yet - or maybe you have emotions that you are not allowing yourself to feel yet. I do wish you all the best.

 

[Cruise04]

A therapist will do some of the things that you are already doing but they will make sure that you keep on task with those things. But not only that, there are some feelings that people don't let out "online" because it's hard to. Those feelings also sometimes do not come out until much later - I've had such a range of feelings since my mom died and not all of those feelings came out in the beginning. After things have come about - christmas, her birthday, my birthday, things that she use to do or call me about or things that I use to call her about or do with her that we no longer can do didn't come out until the time came. I think a therapist could have prepared me more for those things. I work in a counseling center and know what they can do to help. If you aren't sure - go for one session, ask - WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP ME THAT I'M NOT ALREADY DOING. They will ask you what you are doing and may give you some more ideas to strengthen already what you're doing. They also may want to see how you are emotionally reacting to any medication that you may be on. Yes the doc or psychiatrist should see how you are doing but emotionally they sometimes don't pick some things up.

If after the first session you realize it isn't for you, then don't go back. You have that right. Another place to try too is perhaps if there is a hospice near you see if they have a grief support group or some grief counselors.

 

[Rajah]

Okay, let me rephrase or add on:

*IS* there something more that they can do beyond what I'm already doing and beyond being another outlet for emotions?

Perhaps that's part of the reason I'm having a hard time seeing any point in going to a therapist. All I know of that they do is talk to you, let you talk, and (in some cases) provide medication.

If there's something *more* that they can do, then if I can swallow my pride and get my stubborn butt moving, I agree I should at least go give them a try.

But I don't want to waste my time if there's really nothing more they can help with.

 

[pw2pp]

*IS* there something more that they can do beyond what I'm already doing and beyond being another outlet for emotions?

Rajah: Maybe just the act of going to the Therapist will help, by lifting the burden from your own shoulders. Maybe part of what you are feeling is that you have to stand on your own and "handle" everything yourself, which can be very overwhelming. It couldn't hurt to try therapy for a short time.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Originally posted by Rajah


If there's something *more* that they can do, then if I can swallow my pride and get my stubborn butt moving, I agree I should at least go give them a try.

But I don't want to waste my time if there's really nothing more they can help with.

Isn't this what you want your Mom to do?

You won't know for sure unless you go with an open mind. And it would not be a waste of time or money if you explored all of your options. At least you know that you tried.

Edited to add: A couple of months ago my sister was going through a depression. I told her that I thought she needed to see someone. She insisted that she didn't think she did.

Here is what I told her: That I hoped if she ever thought that I needed to see someone that I would be open minded and listin to her because I know that she would have my best interests at heart.

Are these friends of yours who are tellng you to go see someone? If they are they are looking out for your well being. They are "seeing" things that you are not. And they are not qualified to "help" you through IM's or email. They can support you and be a shoulder to cry on.

I would stop looking for reasons and just realize that you may need outside help.

 

[perdidobay]

Sometimes to heal, you need to examine thoughts and feelings that you really don't want to. A therapist will nudge you to deal with those places that hurt the most, and help you deal with them in a constructive way, so you can begin to heal. Friends and family are not likely to do those things, although they may try.

 

[Crankyshank]

A therapist is going to listen to your problems and give insight in an unbiased manner.

No matter how good your friends and family are, they are not professionals and they can't necessarily be relied upon to give unbiased opinions.

I have found therapy to be very helpful in allowing me to get to the root of what's bothering me, which was quite different than what I thought my problem stemmed from.

 

[Rajah]

Jenn -- Like mother, like daughter, huh?

Okay... so what defines a "professional"?

I've been looking at our EAP website and seeing that what they apprently offer and cover are "sessions with trained counselors". Um. I can go to a 2-week training course on how to be a "counselor" and then put the title of "trained counselor" in front of my name, too. With the response my mom got when she tried calling these people, I don't think I want to even bother with that mid-step. I'm pretty sure I'll feel I'm just wasting my time.

*But* -- someone who is really a "professional" -- when people say "you should get some professional help", what "designation" are they talking about?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I don't have any good answers for you Rajah. I think part of finding a good Therapist is going and seeing if you like the person and feel that they are helping you. My husband and I have done couples therapy a few times and I can tell you that some of them I met aren't worth the price of parking. Some of them were very helpful however, and really gave us new ways of looking at the problems in our lives as well as new solutions for dealing with them.

I will say that from reading your posts, to me you sound severally depressed. You just posted about how much better you feel on the weekends and how that small break gives you the energy to make it through the next couple of days. But Rajah, it's only Monday and already you feel like you can't make it through the day.

Also, it almost seems like you have read a manual titled "How to Grieve Properly" and you're trying to force yourself to follow steps A through F" Some of the time it almost seems like you are repeating what you think are the "correct" answers to these problems over and over but maybe everybody around you can tell that they aren't really true.

I don't think you have much to lose by at least exploring the option of therapy. I think you owe it to yourself, your husband, your Mom, your friends, and your co-workers to at least give it a try.

 

[Rajah]

There are enough people, friends and "neutrals" who are telling me I should go see someone now that if I can find a real professional/therapist and not a random individual with the label "counselor" thrown on, then I'll make an appointment. The trouble is *finding* that individual. I'm trying to see if I can go straight to a therapist with EAP and not have to take a middle step with the people who really can't do anything more than provide an ear.

 

[TigerBear]

Rajah, what the person would actually "do" is dependent on their theoretical orientation. It sounds like you would want an action- oriented therapist, rather than having someone just listen and empathize with you. Cognitive-behavior therapy may fit the bill. The premise behind cognitive therapy is that cognition precedes affect. Thus, our moods are determined by our thoughts - irrational thoughts cause one to feel depressed, anxious, etc. A cognitive therapist would help you explore the ways in which your thoughts are contributing to your current emotional distress. He/she would help you learn to think differently (more rationally and positively) through directed exercises, and thus ultimately to help you feel better. You would likely be given homework assignments between sessions.

If you want more information:
http://www.cognitivetherapy.com/basics.html
http://www.habitsmart.com/cogtitle.html

 

[Rajah]

Bingo, TigerBear. I think that sounds more like what I'd be more willing to try. I didn't even *know* there was such a thing.

Any ideas how to find one that my insurance covers, or does insurance cover that?

 

[mickeyfan1]

Raja, I worked for a large company that had an EAP Program, the trained counselors were by no means the 2 weeks in training variety. THey were psychologists and psychyistrists. THey had Masters in social works, some were PHDs, some were MD, all were well trained. I biggest thing that I see in your questions is that you are afraid of going. You may not think so, but that is what I see. I think you are afraid of haering something that you don't want to hear, what ever it is. Really, you should see one, start with what your EAP person suggests. THey too are trained in recognizong what a person could be feeling and sending them in the right direction. If anything, it could help you sort out your reaction to your mothers feelings, as she is unwilling to seek outside "helP'. I wish you all the best, I can't imagine all that you are going through, I hope that you are on the road to recovery.. Time does help, buit there are times when help is more needed than time.

 

[mom2grace]

Go to the aamft.org website. This is the professional organization for marriage and family therapists.

I am not on the boards enough to know the details of your situation, but I firmly believe in a marriage and family therapist with a PhD, even if that isn't specifically your issues.

I called a few therapists and talked to them on the phone before making an appointment. If you do see one and you don't click, try again! I agree that it's a personality thing and you need someone you are comfortable with.

I have used one in the past to explore issues with my parents then with DH to explore serious issues in our marriage. I have also had a friend use the same one to deal with miscarraiges.

I would also suggest seeing a female therapist, just in case you get uncomfortable.

What have you got to lose? Try it a few times! And good luck!

 

[Crankyshank]

I would do a google search for therapists that specialize in grief counseling in your area.

 

[Rajah]

*jawdrop* *choke*

Um. Oh-kay... just got to a list of "covered practitioners" who are within a 10 mile radius of me... there are *55* of them! Dang!

Uh... *how* do you find one that will fit what you're looking for??

Mickeyfan -- Yeah, I'll admit to being a bit "scared" of going. Why, probly because it's "new territory". And partly because I don't want to face some of what I expect them to want me to face. I'll admit it, I'm a coward.

 

[TimeforMe]

Not to sound sexist , but I would definitely recommend going to a female therapist. I've been to both male and female and there are just too many things that male therapists aren't able to relate to (no matter how well-trainted they are) and I found myself on the defense more than once. Not a good thing when you're in therapy.

 

[Rajah]

Okay, so what I want is a female, action-oriented trained professional who is covered by my EAP and insurance.

I guess the only way I'm really going to find that is to call the EAP 1-800 number? All I have otherwise is a list of people.