Question for the Single Ladies (or attached if you'd like)

[Waiting2goback]

I have been very curious about something so I thought since everyone on here has been so nice and supportive in the short time I have been a member I thought I'd throw the question out there and see what kind of responses I get.

A little about my situation. I am 40. I am getting divorced. I have been a stay-at-home dad for the last 5+ years. (Trying to get a job now but not having much luck). I am college educated.

A couple months ago I joined Match.com to try to start the dating process again. I had NO LUCK. I emailed a couple girls but got no responses. I had quite a bit of people view my profile but nobody contacted me. Now, I know some people wouldn't date me because I am not officially divorced yet. I get that. I wouldn't email someone who made it clear they wanted single or divorced only.

So, I limited my contact to those who said they were open to dating someone separated.

Here is the question. I have 4 kids (10, 6, almost 5, and 2 1/2) Some women said in their profiles they wouldn't date anyone with more than 2 kids. Clearly I stayed away from them. I am wondering if 4 kids is really a HUGE turn-off to women?

It could be my looks. And, I won't put a pic up here so people will have to tell me if I am ugly or not. That would be awkward. But, friends and even our marriage counselor said there would be hundreds of women lined up for a guy like me, who is into his family, does the cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, taking care of sick kids, homework, etc... And, I am not looking to stay home forever and have someone support me. I used to work before I stayed home with the kids. I'm just pointing out that I don't NEED a wife to take care of me. I would LIKE to meet someone again because I like being in a relationship and sharing my life with someone.

I am just wondering how hard it will be for me to meet someone. I know 4 kids is a lot. I just always thought it would be more of an issue for guys coming into the situation than women.

I am open to feedback.

 

[JillyBean1899]

I have been very curious about something so I thought since everyone on here has been so nice and supportive in the short time I have been a member I thought I'd throw the question out there and see what kind of responses I get.

A little about my situation. I am 40. I am getting divorced. I have been a stay-at-home dad for the last 5+ years. (Trying to get a job now but not having much luck). I am college educated.

A couple months ago I joined Match.com to try to start the dating process again. I had NO LUCK. I emailed a couple girls but got no responses. I had quite a bit of people view my profile but nobody contacted me. Now, I know some people wouldn't date me because I am not officially divorced yet. I get that. I wouldn't email someone who made it clear they wanted single or divorced only.

So, I limited my contact to those who said they were open to dating someone separated.

Here is the question. I have 4 kids (10, 6, almost 5, and 2 1/2) Some women said in their profiles they wouldn't date anyone with more than 2 kids. Clearly I stayed away from them. I am wondering if 4 kids is really a HUGE turn-off to women?

It could be my looks. And, I won't put a pic up here so people will have to tell me if I am ugly or not. That would be awkward. But, friends and even our marriage counselor said there would be hundreds of women lined up for a guy like me, who is into his family, does the cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, taking care of sick kids, homework, etc... And, I am not looking to stay home forever and have someone support me. I used to work before I stayed home with the kids. I'm just pointing out that I don't NEED a wife to take care of me. I would LIKE to meet someone again because I like being in a relationship and sharing my life with someone.

I am just wondering how hard it will be for me to meet someone. I know 4 kids is a lot. I just always thought it would be more of an issue for guys coming into the situation than women.

I am open to feedback.

I haven't had much luck with online dating, either. I've sent messages to a few guys, and not received a response from any of them, and the messages that guys sent to me were all "UR hot" or "hey". Really, if I'm going to take the time to fill out a profile, you can take the time to read it and give me a comment on something on it. Anything.

I guess they figure if I'm 35 and haven't been married yet, something must be wrong with me. Maybe there is. I dunno.

Online dating is a crap shoot. I've had people say that it works, but in 5 years of trying I haven't had any luck. Hopefully your luck will be better than mine

 

[3Gsandme]

Please don't take anything I say as being ride or judge mental. It's not and I'm hesitant to say anything.

First, I think the not yet divorced plus the kids could be a big deal for a lot of women. There's just a lot risk there and the potential for so much drama. I'm not single, but even if I were I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole.

Second, the lack of employment is probably a big deal. It's not that you're not trying, but women our age (I'm 37) probably won't have the patience for a lack of employment in a partner. I understand you're trying to re-enter the workforce and that's great.

I think you might have more luck down the road once you're employed and some of the complications from your divorce are smoothing out.

 

[Waiting2goback]

Jillybean: We've been on a couple threads together I think, right? Are you the one running the ToT race and is going to camp out in your Honda Element because you can't find anyone to room with? If not, sorry for confusing you with someone else.

So, you wouldn't stay away because of the kids? I know on-line dating is a crap shoot.

3G's: I wouldn't have put the question on here if I was going to take things personally. I thought of the job thing as an issue too but at one point I was in the interview process with a company and I was sure an offer was coming (which it did, just not the same money they told me in the interview process so I turned it down). So, I had changed my profile just to see if it made a difference.

There is no drama with the wife. We get along fairly well. I just thought being a stay-at-home dad might make up for the job situation. Its not like I wanted to get married tomorrow. At this point I am just looking to get to know some nice people and see where it goes. I wouldn't get married again until I have my own stuff together.

But, you are both in the age range of who I would be looking to date so I am glad to hear the honest feedback.

 

[TexasMouseFan]

Online dating is very hard! I tried and I too had no luck. I only have 2 DDs and always thought that was part of my 'dating' problem...my girls are definitely not a problem in my life!!! I have finally given up on 'looking' for someone. I am 51 and quite happy with the life I currently have.

With that said, I would focus on getting my life back together before I worry about finding someone to date. That will come when you are ready.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Waiting2goback]

Online dating is very hard! I tried and I too had no luck. I only have 2 DDs and always thought that was part of my 'dating' problem...my girls are definitely not a problem in my life!!! I have finally given up on 'looking' for someone. I am 51 and quite happy with the life I currently have.

With that said, I would focus on getting my life back together before I worry about finding someone to date. That will come when you are ready.

Best of luck to you.

Believe me, my kids are not a problem in my life either. They are my life. And, I have my ups and downs during this process but I have never felt like I have had my life more together.

Having said that, I am not on Match.com anymore. I am not actively looking to "date" right now. But, I was talking to a friend today about meeting someone and this topic came up so I thought I was see what people on here thought.

I'm not sure I would ever try the on-line dating thing again. Everyone seems to say the same thing in their profile so basically all you are judging on is pictures. That can't ever be a good thing.

 

[JillyBean1899]

Jillybean: We've been on a couple threads together I think, right? Are you the one running the ToT race and is going to camp out in your Honda Element because you can't find anyone to room with? If not, sorry for confusing you with someone else.

So, you wouldn't stay away because of the kids? I know on-line dating is a crap shoot.

Yep, that's me And personally, it's not the 4 kids thing that would scare me off ... it's any kids at all. I'm just not a kid person. I enjoy my nieces, but after 2 or 3 days of vacation, I'm ready to send them back to their parents, and they're both very smart, fun, well behaved kids. I just don't have the patience to deal with children. Do you have to put how many kids you have in your profile? Or does it just say "have kids? yes/no" Maybe holding off on saying how many kids you have until you've talked to someone would work better.

 

[Worktoplay]

I will be honest - 4 kids would scare most women away initially. But....I'm in the early 50 age bracket, a few years ago my friend ended up divorced. She was on a mission to meet a man and she had a criteria - no young kids, good job, tall and thin. Well, let me just tell you - she just married someone with 4 kids, hardly no money, short and stocky! But guess what - he makes her laugh and they have fun. In my opinion, after being married for 20+ years, you reevaluate what you really want in life and a good companion beats everything else. Be patient, you'll meet someone when you least expect it!

 

[mizg21077]

I don't normally post I'm a lurker for the most part....but I have done the whole online dating thing and your right it's a total crap shoot....it really is all about luck and what the other person is willing to do. I've had profiles up on several sites over the years and I have met some great guys some whom I'm still friends with...and in my experience it's all about what you put into it and what your willing to accept in return...if your profile is detailed and honest, if you write to someone and ask them questions and respond in like to theirs then there is hope that you can build something from that....if all you get is "your cute" or one line responses to a detailed email or if that is all your sending out then you might not get much of a response. As far as your personal situation for a woman like me who is 37, never married, and doesn't have kids...someone who isn't divorced yet might not be someone who comes up when we search...I know when I searched I always put single or divorced so you may not be getting everyone who might be a good match for you at this point. As far as kids and job...honestly if your are looking in your age group most people our age have kids and have been married and a whole lot of us have been unemployed I have so who am I to judge...and I'm sorry a stay at home dad is a job. On a side note I have given up on the whole online dating thing it didn't work for me but it has worked for some friends...I think that you have to find a common ground with people...find something you really enjoy doing and search for people who enjoy that. Good luck with your search...and remember to be open minded...cause you never know who will be a good or great friend and who might turn out to be more then that.

 

[DelftBlue]

If I was using an online dating service and I saw that you had 4 kids and were divorced, I'd immediately cross you off my list.

Now, if I met you in my runner's group (just using as an example) and I had time to get to know you as a person and found that I liked you, then I'd probably be open to possibly having a relationship with you even if you had 4 kids.

As a suggestion, find a job, then get on Meetup.com and find a social group to join so people can get to know you first, then bring up the kids.

 

[LockShockBarrel]

Well granted I'm a bit younger (28) but I can see where you're situation would be...let's say intimidating for something.

-4 kids over those age ranges tells me that obviously it was a very serious long term relationship to bring that many children into it. There could be a fear of being a rebound relationship or fear of "oh god this guy wants a new baby mama and that's not me".

-It's a large age range of kids all of which are likely to be attention demanding. A woman might see that as "how could he have time to date when he's got that many kids?" Especially if it does get involved enough to be introduced to the kids, it might seems as if the woman would be thrown into the "mom" roll too quickly.

- Stay at home dad could translate in their minds as obsessed with his kids and doesn't know how to be anything but that anymore.

-Unemployed with that many kids could trigger them to think that you're looking for not only someone to take care of you, but the kids are well, financially.

-Not being officially papers signed divorced on top of all that is probably a trigger to "Nope, he's got that many kids with her? They're probably just having a rough time and he'll move back in soon enough".

For me, kids aren't a deal breaker, but the situation a single father is involved in is. Unfortunately I think things might be harder for you especially online because there's just so many things that a woman would see as potential red flags. It'd be different if it were like...a friend of a friend that would be able to see and interact with you in person right off the bat and have that mutual person to say "Yeah he's in the midst of a divorce but everything is going smoothly" or something to that effect you know?

Also with online dating, you're basically at the mercy of what the other person types. There's no way to know how much of it is true, or how much of it is that person trying to make a bad situation look tolerable.

 

[DaisyDuck001]

Look for a woman with three or four kids, and maybe you two can be the new "Brady Bunch"!

(I agree that most women without kids would be overwhelmed by four all at once!)

 

[APiratesLifeForMe2]

Ok I'm "attached" but only for 2 years. I met my husband on Match.com (I think). Honestly I've belonged to so many of those sites over the years I forgot which one I was on when I met him. I will agree that it is pure luck and quite frankly online dating is a part time job. You do have to send a lot of emails to get even one reply and from there some of the replies are worthless. Are the emails you're sending full of content? This was always important to me. If someone said "hey, wanna chat sometime" I'de hit delete. If you are putting yourself out there to date, advertise who you are as a person (funny, loves the outdoors, hates sushi,etc). This is your first impression and I don't think that should be clouded with how many kids you have or your job hunt. I hate that you have to delineate between divorced and separated. As a pp said, she searched single and divorced. Separated gives an indication that you are trying it out, nothing is official, you might get back together. This might be a big part of the problem. At the end of the day, a separated stay at home dad with 4 kids is a lot to digest. However, a divorced father of 4 who is an accountant or speech therapist, etc. in between jobs, that's much more attractive.

 

[RobinEJ]

Honestly the kids wouldn't bother me one bit, but not being divorced of having a job would. Once those things change I bet you will see great results!

 

[Waiting2goback]

This is all very helpful information. I appreciate it.

Jillybean: That is very admirable to admit you're not a kid person. Some people have kids because they think that's what they are supposed to do.

Worktoplay: Yeah, I have criteria too. Well, first of all, she has to accept that I have 4 kids. Clearly that will be a bigger hurdle than I initially thought. But, I have now really gotten into fitness and taking care of myself. I am hoping to meet someone that is into that as well. And, ideally she will also love Disney. Not that I am not open to other vacation spots, I just don't want her to HATE Disney and then me end up having to take solo trips.

mizg21077: I actually wrote a nice email anytime I contacted someone. I made sure to comment on something specific in their profile that I found appealing and to show some common ground. I wasn't one of these guys that said, "Hey ur hot". I'd like to think I grew out of that stage when I was 20. From what I have heard about on-line dating it is sad to see guys are like this still, at my age. I am also a very open and honest person so my profile was probably too honest. I could have kept the kid issue quiet and just put I had kids but not how many. But, that would be saying I am not proud of my kids. If I end up alone because I have 4 kids then I am OK with that.

Delftblue- Thank you for your honesty. Yeah, I was thinking my best chance to meet someone is to get to know someone first. Clearly the on-line thing is not the best, for anyone from the sounds of it. I have joined a few meet-up groups but there is nothing close to my house. Everything is near Boston, an at least an hour ride. And, the meet-ups are all when my kids have their activities. So, it looks like I am out of luck meeting anyone for a while. Once I get a job, I will have to start my own meetup closer to my house, assuming I will even have time at that point.


LockShockBarrel:
-I can see why it is intimidating.
-No more babies for me. I got snipped. No baby mama needed.
- Valid point. Time would be an issue for sure. But, once they got to know me they would see I don't need a mother for the kids. I am very capable of taking care of them all myself. All she would need to do is learn to love them and enjoy.
- Pretty sad that a mother of 4 kids would be seen as a strong lady (or something positive) but a stay-at-home dad of 4 might be seen as obsessed.
- Your other points are well taken

DaisyDuck: I have no problem meeting a woman with 4 kids except that we would have to get one of those 15 passenger vans as they don't even all fit in my minivan. Now that's A LOT of kids.

APiratesLife and Robin: I guess I never thought of myself as not having a job because even though it is not a "job" staying home and taking care of 4 kids and organizing all their activites, parties, doctor's appts, etc... is harder than any job I have ever had.


This is all great feedback though. I'll be interested to see anymore responses. One thing is for sure, I am staying away from the on-line thing for sure.

 

[APiratesLifeForMe2]

APiratesLife and Robin: I guess I never thought of myself as not having a job because even though it is not a "job" staying home and taking care of 4 kids and organizing all their activites, parties, doctor's appts, etc... is harder than any job I have ever had.


This is all great feedback though. I'll be interested to see anymore responses. One thing is for sure, I am staying away from the on-line thing for sure.

I want to clarify that I completely agree being a stay at home dad is a job. A full time one at that. I think the biggest difference between being a stay at home dad and a entering into the work force is an income. Obviously this is going to matter to a great deal of people. The one thing I wanted you to know is that online dating CAN work but it does take a lot of time. I met and dated a few people that I had very meaningful relationships with, I remain friends with some and obviously met my husband that way. Don't get discouraged. If Match.com doesn't work then try out another site. Lots of them do free trials.

 

[Waiting2goback]

I know what you meant. I guess I am just surprised. I would have thought women would find a good father to be attractive/appealing. I could see if the situation were reveresed and my wife has been a stay-at-home mom and now she was looking to date. I could TOTALLY see a guy saying 1 of 2 things:

1.) She is looking for someone to support her, I am staying away from her and her 4 kids.

2.) She's cute. I will see if I can get in her pants for a few months and then dump her when it gets too serious. (You know this is what the guys who respond with, "Hey, ur hot" are thinking, right?


As for dating on-line. I am sure it works for some people. From the sounds of it, it doesn't seem to work anymore than any other format. And, even when I am offically divorced and have my career going again that putting 4 kids on a profile might be enough to scare people away.

I guess I will have to meet people in person have them get to know me and just make sure I don't lead with the amount of kids I have.

I may be joking around but I really understand what you are all saying. At this point all I am looking for is to meet some nice people (women hopefully-just because I get along with them better, always have). You can only talk about cars, sports, and farting for so long with the guys before it gets boring.

I am getting out of my comfort zone. I signed up for the Tower of Terror race in October. I HATE running so this is a huge committment for me. I am also hoping to meet up with some DIS'ers down there. Being an introvert that is a HUGE step for me. It may not happen but I keep hearing that these meet-ups happen at all these races. Hopefully I can meet some people that even become friends that I see at races over the years, as I plan to remain active and I am told these races become addicting even if you hate running.

Afterall, I can change how many kids I have. I can't control if companies call me for jobs. I am just working on what I can control right now.

 

[JillyBean1899]

I am also a very open and honest person so my profile was probably too honest. I could have kept the kid issue quiet and just put I had kids but not how many. But, that would be saying I am not proud of my kids. If I end up alone because I have 4 kids then I am OK with that.

That may be part of it. People tend to assume that online dating profiles aren't "honest" (so if you put that your body type is "athletic", you are actually "carrying a few extra"), so when they see yours they think "wow, if that's all he's claiming to have, he must be a real train wreck". Not putting how many kids you have isn't being not proud of them, it's just not letting the proverbial freak flag fly until farther into the dating process. I had stuff on mine about liking sports, but didn't put on there that I'm an obsessive NASCAR fan (to the point where when someone asks me who my favorite NASCAR driver is, I always respond with "what series?"), because that's just TMI too quickly.

 

[jennyf2]

I've also done the online dating things & had "so so" luck. I would have no problems with dating someone w/ kids - I would actually prefer it! I would be nervous about the not yet divorced comment..

We recently moved to FL so I think I'm going to give it another chance & see if I have better luck.

Best of luck to you!!!

 

[happymommy]

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be replying to this, as I'm happily married, but have friends who are divorced (and was looking in this section about older folks going to Disney, as I'll be an empty nester soon!).

First of all, please don't worry! I'm sure you have great kids and a great relationship with them. But, you aren't divorced yet. I'd just focus on your kids and getting your employment situation settled before dating. I don't think anyone in your current situation is ready to date, at least seriously.

If I were single (which I'm not) and looking (which I wouldn't be; if something happened to my DH I would remain single - I have my kids and life and am 47 so not needing a man) I would NOT seek a man who isn't divorced, who has no job, and 4 young kids (I don't want to offend you, it's just what it is).

I would work on your life situation, and worry about dating in the future.