Question for regular church-goers?

[luvnmy2bys]

I have a question for those that regularly attend a church and have teenagers(or have had teen-agers). I have 2 sons one who is 11 and the other who is 13. My 13 DS has been giving us a really hard time lately about going to church. We usually get into a huge fight every Sunday morning about getting up, getting ready, getting out the door, etc. This is new for us because we have always went to church and he has never given us any grief before. I am wondering if this is just a teenage thing that will pass or what. He said he just doesn't want to get up on Sunday morning because he only has two days a week that he can sleep in. I can't believe how much this kid can sleep. He would sleep in to 12 or 1 every day if I would let him. Do teens really need this much sleep? Anyway this fighting about church really is starting to wear on my nerves. My DH thinks we should just leave him at home because he is ruining the rest of the family's Sunday. I am not ready to do that yet. He is in confirmation class and his attendance to Sunday services is part of his class. Has anyone else been through this? What did you do?
Thanks
luvnmy2bys

 

[ToTLaugher]

My oldest is 12 but we have not had to deal with that yet. I remember as a young teen I wasn't always real big on getting to church on Sunday mornings because I didn't have close friends in the youth group. When I plugged in better with the group I was much more willing to get up on Sundays.

Do they have a youth group he could be a part of? Connecting with the other kids during the week might make Sundays easier for him. Just a thought, hope it helps.

 

[aprilgail2]

I started this way before your son, by 8 I had enough of going to church and by 9 my parents just let me stay home, but it wasn't to sleep, I just knew at that age I did not believe in any of that stuff and didn't want to go. They were happy going without me bugging them and I was happy to stay home and not have to go. I would not force him to go at 13 years old if that is not where he wants to be. Or maybe you can compromise and leave him home every other Sunday.

 

[kirbsam]

if sleep is the issue, tell him to go to bed earlier or take a nap. really, i have a 14 year old and like i tell her, my house, my rules. if she wants to eat, and have her laundry done, and go out to eat with us, and have her friends over and be in sports, and have us pay for new clothes, and get cristmas presents, and go out with her friends, then she will live by our rules. if she chooses not to, then her life would be pretty miserable. and yes, she gets up to go to church with us every sunday.

 

[MushyMushy]

That's a sore spot with me.

I was forced to go to church and some pretty bad things were happening to me there. I've never forgiven my mother for making me go, and as a result I hate churches. I'm not in any way, shape, or form saying that ANYthing bad is happening here.

I'm just saying that a kid that age should have some say in his own religion. Religion is a personal thing to all of us and should always be that way.

 

[Hedy]

*My religious experience is Catholic, and from your terminology I *think* you may be Prestant, so I may be talking stupid, but anyway*
Is the issue sleep, or is the issue church? Is it possible to go to an later service/mass or a Saturday one?
If the issue is church, it's your call, and I can only speak for my religious experience, but it was always my understanding that confirmation is the entrance of adulthood in church/faith, and I'm not certain I'd want someone who wasn't into it making that profession.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I've talked before about how my DH used to drag the beasts out from under their beds (where they'd hide to avoid going to mass!) By the time they were teens, they knew there was no way out. One loves church, one hated it (and doesn't go, now that he's in college...I raised a heathen...but he goes when he's home!), two go because that's just how it is.

Now that they are older, they just know they have to do what they're told. If they didn't, I'd sic DH on them...this applies to church and everything else. The rules aren't up for discussion or debate. So, if they want to fight Dad (a fight they'd lose), it'll be something way more important to them than whether they're dooming their eternal soul to hell or not...like video games.

Since you're talking about Confirmation, I'm assuming you're Catholic...why not go on Saturday afternoon/evening...if you're considering letting the kid skip, you might just be willing to compromise on a Saturday mass.

Good luck!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I have a question for those that regularly attend a church and have teenagers(or have had teen-agers). I have 2 sons one who is 11 and the other who is 13. My 13 DS has been giving us a really hard time lately about going to church. We usually get into a huge fight every Sunday morning about getting up, getting ready, getting out the door, etc. This is new for us because we have always went to church and he has never given us any grief before. I am wondering if this is just a teenage thing that will pass or what. He said he just doesn't want to get up on Sunday morning because he only has two days a week that he can sleep in. I can't believe how much this kid can sleep. He would sleep in to 12 or 1 every day if I would let him. Do teens really need this much sleep? Anyway this fighting about church really is starting to wear on my nerves. My DH thinks we should just leave him at home because he is ruining the rest of the family's Sunday. I am not ready to do that yet. He is in confirmation class and his attendance to Sunday services is part of his class. Has anyone else been through this? What did you do?
Thanks
luvnmy2bys

Teens do need a lot of sleep. Are you sure he is falling asleep at a reasonable hour? The times my ds has resisted getting up, he didn't go to sleep until really late.

 

[Spoodleink]

My parents never forced us to go to church I stopped going around 12/13. I mean I never understand why people force thier kids to go, if they dont want to be there then they are probbably not getting anything out of it. I mean isn't the point of going to church spiritual growth and fellowship not b/c your mom made you. My mom always asked me if I wanted to go and I did occasionally.

 

[ilovejack02]

I just read an article in Jan's Good Housekeeping and yes teens needs tons of sleep like up to 12 hrs a night. Im betting he doesnt get that , I know my 17.5 yr olds doesnt. How about picking another service time he can hit? My parents always made me go, but it actually wasnt so bad. I saw lots of friends, but of course i would rather sleep. My parents had a rule, you dont make it to church on Sunday, you dont get to do ANYTHING on Sunday afternoon with your friends and in my small hometown that was the kiss of death when you were a teenager. Everyone hung out in the park and went cruising, it was as big as a friday night out, so I never wanted to miss that!

 

[luvnmy2bys]

We do have a Sat evening service that he could attend but I guess I am being a little selfish because I enjoy attending the Sunday morning service and they don't have youth services on Sat evening for my fifth-grader. We live too far, 60 miles round-trip, to really consider doing both. To me it just is not an option to just let him have his way and not go. I am of the mind-set that he lives in my house and will live with my rules whether he likes it or not. He never complains about going on Sunday evening or Wednesday evening only Sunday morning. I asked if he wanted to quit confirmation and he said no. I think tonight I will try having him go to bed at 10. I think the problem may be that I have been letting him sleep in on Sat morning and then he stays up late on Sat night.
luvnmy2bys

 

[Pigeon]

I would say don't push it. It's futile in the long run anyway.

My parents forced us to go to church (Catholic) every Sunday so long as we lived in their house. I hated it and got nothing out of it but more intense disliking for a religion that I knew I'd never voluntarily participate in. Much as many parents would like to, you cannot decide what religion your grown children are going to accept.

Dh and I attend a different denomination. It has an extremely active youth group, that does amazing things. Dh is actually an advisor for the group. These are kids who are there because they want to be there.

 

[kandeebunny]

If church is important to you it shouldn't matter wether it is saturday night or sunday morning.


that said I am 23 grew up Catholic, and will NOT go to church on Sunday morning. I will however go on Saturday evening with no issue. Getting up at 8am on one of my 2 days off a week just will not happen. I see his point and if I were you I would offer him the option of church saturday evening (followed by family time so no going out with friends etc) or church sunday morning followed by brunch!

 

[kydisneyfans]

I really did not like Sunday school as it was a boring classroom session of bible verses. It was just like a 6th day of school to me. By the time I was 9, I was bored to death.

We moved a few years back and found a more contemporary church, our 8 year old screams at us if we miss any service. We were reminded Thursday that we missed the Wednesday night service last week. The Christmas trip to visit family was cut a day short so that we could come back "home" for the evening church service.

I would discuss the issue with the child, would he be open to going to a different service with some friends instead of SUnday morning?

 

[piglet50]

if i read correctly you are over an hour away from your church. is it possible to find a church closer to home? that way maybe he could get more involved in activities that happen during the week, like youth group, etc. our kids are now 23 and 18 and still go to church. they always liked to do the youth activities better than the services when they were younger but at our church you had to be at most sunday services to get to participate in the "fun" stuff on wednesdays. hope you get this worked out the best way for all of you.

 

[azgal81]

Does he even want to go to church with you? Maybe he's dragging his feet because he doesn't want to go to church. No one should force anyone to go to church even parents.

 

[goofy4tink]

As a child, back in the 50'60's, I, with my brothers, was 'taken' to church every Sunday because that's what you did. Our rector was a nasty, horrible man, so as soon as I could stop going, I did. I was married to my first dh in his RC church rather than in my Episcopalian one due to that same rector. When my children were born, they were baptized in my 'old' church, they recieved First Communion instruction there. However, we really didn't attend church. So...fast forward to the early 90's. I wanted to remarry, I lived in my old home town, I wanted to marry in my family church. So, we checked it out. Much had changed, we joined the church. That was 16 yrs. ago. My 13 y/o dd was baptized there, received her First Communion there, will be confirmed there.
I have many friends in this church who are deeply spiritual, but their adult kids have 'left the church'. One friend has three kids who all married outside the church. They say that they just don't 'get it' when it comes to church..that they just don't need the hassle. Of my two older kids, my 33 y/o ds now attends a church but that is due to his finding a young lady who's spirituality is important to her and his family's beliefs seem to be coming forward!!!

My 13 y/o dd tries to find ways to avoid going to church. It's simple a sleep issue. But, for her, she has to be there at 9:25 and church is only 5 minutes away, so she can get up in time. Yes, teens need the sleep, but their inner cycles seem to be changing to falling asleep later and later at night. So, if she wants to stay up late on Sat night, it's her problem when she has to get up for church!!! She does enjoy her class but it is a more contemporary one called Rite13....made just for this age group and is geared to the stuff they find to be compelling in life.

I think that you need to find a middle ground here. I know that there are some who say that kids should find their own religion but for heavens sake, these kids are still in middle school and high school. They need to have some basis for comparison in order to make choices. Basically, most are just too lazy to get up in the morning for something that isn't mandatory or fun!!! We make our children eat their veggies even if they aren't crazy about them....if you feel that church is an important part of your life as a family then your kids should be going. Not everything in life is a ton of fun...sometimes we have to do things that we aren't crazy about. Down the road, it makes us better people.
Stepping down off my soap-box now.

 

[JoyG]

I'm a regular church goer and although I don't have teens...I was a teen once and my mom did the same thing with me.

First of all, she forced me to go. She just did. She did sweeten the deal a little bit by saying, if I wanted to go out with my friends on Saturday night, I had to be in Youth group on Friday nights and church on Sunday mornings.

So at first I went b/c I wanted to have Saturdays to myself...but the other part of this equation is (this was a new church for us) as soon as I made friends at youth group...and those same friends were at church...she didn't have to force me anymore. You couldn't drag me away from the teen services.

So my advice to you is to take a good look at your church. Does it have ministries that appeal to your teenagers? Is your teenager being spiritually fed at this church? If not, I might consider finding a church that can meet the needs of your teenagers and you. Your teen is at an important crossroads right now. His attitude about church now might shape the way he sees it as an adult.

I would do everything in my power to find a church to meet his needs, but in the end... I would have to force him to go.

 

[ilovejack02]

As a child, back in the 50'60's, I, with my brothers, was 'taken' to church every Sunday because that's what you did. Our rector was a nasty, horrible man, so as soon as I could stop going, I did. I was married to my first dh in his RC church rather than in my Episcopalian one due to that same rector. When my children were born, they were baptized in my 'old' church, they recieved First Communion instruction there. However, we really didn't attend church. So...fast forward to the early 90's. I wanted to remarry, I lived in my old home town, I wanted to marry in my family church. So, we checked it out. Much had changed, we joined the church. That was 16 yrs. ago. My 13 y/o dd was baptized there, received her First Communion there, will be confirmed there.
I have many friends in this church who are deeply spiritual, but their adult kids have 'left the church'. One friend has three kids who all married outside the church. They say that they just don't 'get it' when it comes to church..that they just don't need the hassle. Of my two older kids, my 33 y/o ds now attends a church but that is due to his finding a young lady who's spirituality is important to her and his family's beliefs seem to be coming forward!!!

My 13 y/o dd tries to find ways to avoid going to church. It's simple a sleep issue. But, for her, she has to be there at 9:25 and church is only 5 minutes away, so she can get up in time. Yes, teens need the sleep, but their inner cycles seem to be changing to falling asleep later and later at night. So, if she wants to stay up late on Sat night, it's her problem when she has to get up for church!!! She does enjoy her class but it is a more contemporary one called Rite13....made just for this age group and is geared to the stuff they find to be compelling in life.

I think that you need to find a middle ground here. I know that there are some who say that kids should find their own religion but for heavens sake, these kids are still in middle school and high school. They need to have some basis for comparison in order to make choices. Basically, most are just too lazy to get up in the morning for something that isn't mandatory or fun!!! We make our children eat their veggies even if they aren't crazy about them....if you feel that church is an important part of your life as a family then your kids should be going. Not everything in life is a ton of fun...sometimes we have to do things that we aren't crazy about. Down the road, it makes us better people.
Stepping down off my soap-box now.

 

[Buckalew11]

I'm a regular church goer and although I don't have teens...I was a teen once and my mom did the same thing with me.

First of all, she forced me to go. She just did. She did sweeten the deal a little bit by saying, if I wanted to go out with my friends on Saturday night, I had to be in Youth group on Friday nights and church on Sunday mornings.

So at first I went b/c I wanted to have Saturdays to myself...but the other part of this equation is (this was a new church for us) as soon as I made friends at youth group...and those same friends were at church...she didn't have to force me anymore. You couldn't drag me away from the teen services.

So my advice to you is to take a good look at your church. Does it have ministries that appeal to your teenagers? Is your teenager being spiritually fed at this church? If not, I might consider finding a church that can meet the needs of your teenagers and you. Your teen is at an important crossroads right now. His attitude about church now might shape the way he sees it as an adult.

I would do everything in my power to find a church to meet his needs, but in the end... I would have to force him to go.

Good post.

And you are a long way from your church. I think I'd try to find a closer one. I'd probably hate traveling that far too.

I would probably talk it over with him at length, see what the underlying problems are, have him go to bed at a decent time (teens need sleep like babies do, I just read that) and I would seriously think about cutting a deal where maybe he could choose 1 Sunday a quarter or every 2 months to stay home. That might make him feel like he has some control over the issue (?) and make him feel better.
I was one of those kids who would not miss church. I called people and begged for a ride because my parents couldn't go because of our family business. However, as an adult, I have had my fair share of Sundays that I just didn't want to get up and go.