Question For Parents

[CamColt]

How do you deal with an older child going places with their friends, and the younger child feeling left out. My kids are almost 7 and almost 4. Up until recently they have only played in the neighborhood so they all play together. About a month ago my oldest was invited to a friends house. My youngest cried and whined for 1/2 hour. I thought it was a 1 time thing, but my oldest just took off to the Childrens Museum with a friend from school and once again the little one is flipping out. I try to explain and all, but at that age I dont think he really gets it. I feel so bad because I can tell he is upset, but he does have to learn this is going to happen.
So what have you all done in this situation and how long before the youngest understood?

 

[Lynn CC]

Maybe he could invite a friend over to play during that time, or the two of you could go someplace special together, or maybe bring along a friend.

 

[KathyFP]

I only have one child, but I have a couple suggestions:

1. Plan something special for DS while oldest is gone. Make it special time for him.

2. Plan play dates for him so he also gets that special time.

 

[cgcw]

We have the same problem in our house.

DS3 thinks that DS9's friends are his friends too. When DS9's friends come over, DS3 is right there with them. Fortunately, DS9 hasn't minded much -- yet!

What we have started telling DS3 is that DS9 is going to work on homework when he goes over to a friends house. A little harmless fib. DS3 can understand that concept better than being told he's (DS3) not included in the invite. When we take DS9 to a birthday party or someplace special, we try to either drop him off without the littler guy with or make it also a special trip some how for our younger DS. Last Sunday, DS9 was invited to a birthday party. DH took him to the party and brought DS3 along. Afterwards, DH took DS3 to his Grammie's house. DS3 had something to look forward to.

I wonder when and if it will get easier. I know, one of these days. Let me know if it happens any time soon in your house....lol!

 

[jsmith]

I disagree with doing something "special" everytime an older sibling goes somewhere a younger one can not-that will set a dangerous precident since they are always going to be that many years apart-and the older on is going to date, drive and lots of other things when the younger one can not. We always handled in terms of Brother is X number of years old and you are y number of years old and ______ is something only X year old boys do-y year old boys can -------------- and tried to redirect the younger to a activity that he would enjoy to distract him-or If he wanted to sulk, he got some extra hugs and and then he could sulk. This usually worked pretty well and after a while he learned to accept that he couldn't go everywhere his brother went (they are 4 years apart) until they were about 10 and 14-then the 10 year old could understand the reason the 14 year old had different privildges and resent it-that is a completely different issue-
As to it getting easier-they are now 14 and 18-18 goes to college far from home-14 got to go to Hawaii with mom and dad during fall break and 18 flipped out-Whatcha gonna do?

 

[CEDmom]

I partially agree with JSmith's post. I don't think it's a good habit to always give one child something special just because the other one got something. However, that being said, you could still do something but keep it low key. Like reading his favorite book while older brother is out or letting him watch a favorite video (particularly one DB doesn't like).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

12yodd went camping with a friend for the weekend and 7yodd was crying. (I thought she was over that!!!, nope)

I just keep saying when you are older you will get to do stuff like that with your friends. After awhile younger dd was like this is great! Her older sis isn't bugging her.

 

[Nutsy]

Originally posted by KathyFP
I only have one child, but I have a couple suggestions:

1. Plan something special for DS while oldest is gone. Make it special time for him.

2. Plan play dates for him so he also gets that special time.

Yes, exactly Kathy. I was thinking the same thing. My two are only 12 months apart, but youngest often used to feel left out when his brother got invited over friends houses. So, I used to make sure we did something special together, something he really enjoyed doing & it was a special time for us that big brother could not join in.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I just tell my younger son (or the older when he does it) that just because life isn't always equal doesn't mean it is not fair.

Sometimes the older son gets to go to special places and sometimes the younger son does. In that particular instance I would just tell younger son to knock off the hissy fit and enjoy the time at the Video games without having to share with his older brother.

 

[Serena]

Originally posted by Toby'sFriend
I just tell my younger son (or the older when he does it) that just because life isn't always equal doesn't mean it is not fair.

Sometimes the older son gets to go to special places and sometimes the younger son does. In that particular instance I would just tell younger son to knock off the hissy fit and enjoy the time at the Video games without having to share with his older brother.

You cannot win by trying to be always equal and fair. One child will always be complaining that they other one got more. This is something that I learned the hard way. Eventually, "get over it, next time it'll probably be you", was what I ended up saying and it seems to have worked the best.

 

[sha_lyn]

We just went through this on Friday. The teens from our Homeschool group got together for a movie. DD had a fit and was mad that she wasn't going to a movie too. Friday also happened to be our play date at the park and I threatened to not take her if she didn't stop whining about the movie. I kept explaining to her that she has many more HS group activities than her brother does. In fact this is only the second teen meeting this year and DS wasn't able to attend the first one.

So DH took DS to the movie and I took DD to the park. Turns out 2 parents (1mom 1 dad) showed up With younger siblings in tow. OK I can understand not having someone to watch the younger kid. The Father took his younger one to see a different movie. The mom on the other other hand insisted that the teens (3-13 yr olds and DS who is 14)watch a movie that her 6 yr old could see. Good thing I wasn't there because I would have let her have it.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm not a parent, but when this used to happen when I was a kid, my mother would say "sometimes you get to do special stuff(and she'd give a couple of examples)and sometimes your brother gets to do special stuff". That was pretty much the end of it. If I kept whining, I was told to go whine and pout in my room.

 

[CamColt]

Thanks for all the advice. Pretty much what youve all said is what I did, LOL!
I have to say though this wasnt just a temper tantrum. Id be the first to say when my kid is just being whinny or throwing a fit, but this was one of those rare occasions when he really was heartbroken, thats why I did feel so bad.

jsmith, did you tell the 18 yo that was payback for all he got to do with out the younger one when they were little? LOL!

 

[snoopy]

We've also experienced this -- and I know what you mean, Camcolt, there is a difference between whining and being heartbroken. For those times when my younger son is heartbroken, I've made an effort to do something special with just the two of us. If that is pampering him, so be it, the most important thing to me is that he not feel unwanted, plus it gives me the opportunity to discuss with him that there are going to be times when his brother goes places without him. Now that he is almost 5, he is understanding this more, plus he is also accumulating friends of his own from pre-school. I bet when your little one is in school it will all even out, Camcolt.

 

[disneygals]

My three girls are now 11,9, and 7 and it was really HARD when this first started happening. They eventually got used to it (not that there isn't sometimes the pout and cry). I used to hate when my three were playing happily and the phone call would come asking for just one of them!

Vivienne