Question for divorced parents - update 1st post

[MagicalMom]

I was wondering how you handle things. Do you contact your ex or do you go through the new spouse. Some of you may remember a post from last month about my Ex's wife contacting my daughter. Things just weren't adding up.

I just didn't trust this woman too much & was starting to wonder why all contact between my daughter & her father seems to go through this stranger. Is this normal? Do most families handle things this way?

Today I gave up & contacted my EX, I hadn't spoken to him in years. Come to find out she doesn't want him calling here. Is that normal?


Update: I received a voice mail on my cell from the EX's wife apologizing for her behavior. She said I am now allowed ot speak to my EX. Guess he must have got permission. Atleast it will make communication more comfortable for the children.

 

[N.Bailey]

I'm not divorced, so I'm certainly no expert here, but it sounds like the new wife has some insecurity issues. I don't think it's normal at all. I'd like to think that two grown, mature adults would be able to communicate when you're talking about their children. One would hope both parties would have their best interests at heart.

 

[MagicalMom]

I'm not divorced, so I'm certainly no expert here, but it sounds like the new wife has some insecurity issues. I don't think it's normal at all. I'd like to think that two grown, mature adults would be able to communicate when you're talking about their children. One would hope both parties would have their best interests at heart.

That's what I'm thinking too. He said his wife is afraid we'll that we'll talk. By the way, we haven't been together for 10 years. I've been remarried for 7 years.

 

[mudnuri]

well my X has a new SO and she has asked that he not answer the phone when I call, make me leave a message and then he'll call back. *** is up with that?

Wednesday night he had the DD's I called at 4pm- 8, and 945 both house and truck phones, voicemail on both...I didnt leave a message because well he has caller ID, and I wasnt calling to talk to him.

Come to find out, he didnt answer or call me back because she wanted to know why I was calling...ummm excuse me, he's the father of my children, I dont need your permission to call, and FYI, I wont be leaving a message..which I informed him of today.

I'm not sure how to handle it, but it seems women have a much harder time accepting the fact that their SO's have past lives...men seem to roll with it. My DBF has no problem with my X calling or me calling my X, etc.. but women do

good luck

Brandy

 

[MELSMICE]

Sounds like the current wife has some serious insecurity issues that she needs to get over. She knew when she married him that he had an ex-wife & a daughter - she need to learn how to deal!

 

[MagicalMom]

Come to find out, he didnt answer or call me back because she wanted to know why I was calling...ummm excuse me, he's the father of my children, I dont need your permission to call, and FYI, I wont be leaving a message..which I informed him of today.

Must be something in the air today. Let's blame it on Friday the 13th! LOL

 

[NMAmy]

I end up doing most of the arrangement type things with my ex's new wife. Talk about weird and awkward--they had an affair when we were still married and she got pregnant. I communicate mostly by email with her--mainly because she freaks out when he talks to me. Believe me, honey, I am the LAST woman on earth you need to worry about. I do talk to my ex directly if dd is having a problem that we need to discuss. I find it amusing that when dd is with him, he will wait till his wife is gone to call me. How do I know? Because he's told me without thinking--we'll be in the middle of a discussion and he'll say, "Oops, I've got to go, K is home." Ummm....I think you're confused, fella, WE"RE not doing anything to be embarassed about.

Oddly enough, I don't mind so much anymore because at least she answers me quickly by email and we can make more concrete travel arrangements for dd--if it was up to my ex, he'd put me off till the last minute on everything. My DH could care less when I talk to my ex.

 

[Serena]

I don't have to arrange anything with the new wife. Luckily she's nice so far so it hasn't become an issue.

 

[Shugardrawers]

I am the 2nd wife. I don't have a problem with Dh speaking with his ex about anything. They spent 11 years together and had a child for heaven's sake. If it's regarding money she just speaks directly with me since she knows I'm the family bookkeeper. Otherwise, I stay out of things. I love DD and the best thing for her is for all of us to get along. I don't have to like her (and I don't particularly) but I am always polite and cordial. To paraphrase a previous poster, you can't go around acting like your spouse didn't have a previous life. I did too. She's his ex wife for a reason but he's with me now and I don't see what all the fuss and jealousy is about

 

[dixipixi]

I'm not divorced, but DH is. We have been together for 14 years now.

Why would I worry about DH talking to his ex? As someone else said, they have 2 children together. I mean, he HAS to talk to her. It would be really stupid for me to screen calls, or make them go through me.

 

[MagicalMom]

I don't have to arrange anything with the new wife. Luckily she's nice so far so it hasn't become an issue.

You are very lucky. I had hoped my Ex would marry someone more like that.

 

[Stitchfans]

Sorry, but the child is yours and your ex's not the new wife's. When my ex and I divorced I contacted HIM and he contacted me. There is no reason I should have to have anything to do with his girlfriend. Just like I wouldn't expect him to have to have anything to do with DH.

For the welfare of the child both of you have to be able to talk and be as pleasant as possible with each other. At least that is what my ex and I do. Lucky for us though DD is an adult now so I don't have to talk to him unless I want to. Needless to say I seldom have anything to say.

 

[hunnypotmama]

I'm the second wife. We've been married for almost 12 years. DH and his ex talked at first (they have 2 children together), but communications were strained. His ex finally decided she didn't need to talk to him, ever again! She put the kids in the middle and let them figure out visitations, etc. It was horrible. I never did the communication, but knowing that BM and DH could not talk was a huge strain on the children and me and my kids.

Don't know what happened, but BM decided a few months ago that after 3 years of NO communications, she would start talking to DH again. Things have been much more relaxed for everyone involved, and DH and BM actually worked out a Christmas visit for the first time in 5 years. So yes, I agree that the two parents need to be able to communicate for the benefit of the children. If they can't or don't, I think it sends a terrible message to the children that their parents "hate" each other and can't even put aside their tensions to speak civilly on their behalf.

 

[sweet angel]

If DS or I call his father's house, we have to leave a message. They NEVER answer, but he calls back pretty quickly. It's weird.

I'm also not "allowed" over by their house (i.e., to drop DS off or pick him up)...which is a crock. Apparently SHE doesn't want me over there. Get over yourself honey -- we're done -- I'm no threat to you.

Most of the issues stem from his family's propaganda though -- they spread all sorts of rumors about me, so keeping me away keeps them going,

 

[floridaminnie]

Even though my ex's name is on his emails he says he knows nothing about them. When I call it goes to voicemail even when they have DD. They usually call right back, but then when they haven't they said that they don't check their voice messages which my response is then why have it? They told me to keep calling till I reach them. Told them I didn't want to harrass them they told me it woujldn't be. Yeah right.

 

[Disneyglobegirl]

My DH and his Ex usually would work things out between themselves - I never had a problem at all with them calling each other about their DS. I think it is pretty silly to get upset about them communicating. I always felt that for DH's sons sake we should all get along. Also DH has a job where he is gone alot so there were a few times that I had to be the one that called his Ex or she would call me for something. We get along pretty good , not best friends or anything but we certainly are pleasant to each other. I think it does help that she is remarried and they have their own family as we have ours. DH's son is now 24 so we rarely if ever talk to his ex - but if we run into her anywhere we always say "Hello" and have a minute of small talk. We will definately be ok when it comes time for DS to get married and we all have to be there together.

 

[SillyMe]

Oh Dear Lord, what am I in for? I'm recently separated and I'm 99% positive he will be the one who starts a new relationship first (because I'm pretty sure he started it before I even moved out ). I dread the thought of him being involved with someone who will try to cause problems like that. That is MY daughter and HIS daughter. It's not up to anyone else to discuss. I will flip my lid if a new woman tries to come between our parenting. There is no way I'll sit back and put up with it.

ETA: If and when I get involved in another relationship, there will also be no way the new man will tell me I cannot talk to my ex. He is my dd's father, always will be. The relationship is over, but the parenting will continue for the rest of dd's life. Deal with it.

 

[MagicalMom]

ETA: If and when I get involved in another relationship, there will also be no way the new man will tell me I cannot talk to my ex. He is my dd's father, always will be. The relationship is over, but the parenting will continue for the rest of dd's life. Deal with it.

To tell you the truth, I think most men are more understanding. I've been asking around & it seems that is usually the new wife who wants to control the communication. Just remember, not every divorce has this problem.

 

[MagicalMom]

Update added to the first post.

 

[SillyMe]

He has permission now, huh? Tell him you didn't know that all these years he was looking for another "Mommy" instead of a "Wife".