Question about teen aged girls.

[Stitchfans]

My DD14 has a few girls she hangs out with once in a while when they can find the time to spend with her. They often makes plans with her then blow her off. She has better friends who live in other states from this board then any from our hometown or her school.

Any way she had made plans with a couple of friends to go to our hometown festival this evening. There is a pre view of just the carnival rides tonight from 4 to 10. She was planning on going when one friend informs her that one girl from the group who doesn't like DD says she can not join all of them. My first reaction of course was, "who is she to say who can and can not join the group?"

No one confronts this bossy, bully, who is so spoiled that she even bosses her mother around. My question is how can one girl have so much pull in a group of teen aged girls? Some of them even say they hate her bossiness but yet go along with her.

I talked to one of the mother's who is a somewhat friend of mine and explained what was going on. She insisted that since DD and her daughter are friends and they made plans no matter what they will be going together. My fear is this bossy one will say something to the girl with DD and DD will end up being totally ignored all evening.

DD did talk to 2 other friends who claimed they would hang with her also, but here again since bossy has a hold over everyone she may talk them into ignoring DD too. Like I said, what can this bossy creature have over all these girls? There is like at least 9 of them in the group.

 

[happygirl]

I'm so sorry teenagers can be so cruel

 

[saratogadreamin09]

As a 14 year old girl I can tell you, this is very common. There are always girls who are very bossy and control their groups. Thing is, parents never really know whats going on so when you comfront a parent about it they swear its all ok.

 

[Stitchfans]

As a 14 year old girl I can tell you, this is very common. There are always girls who are very bossy and control their groups. Thing is, parents never really know whats going on so when you comfront a parent about it they swear its all ok.

So what you are telling me if I confront her mother- she will say everything is ok? in other words she will deny that her child is bossy?

I did consider calling her mother to discuss the problem, but thought it would start more problems for DD. If she tells the group I called chances are DD will have no one at all. I think.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, I would guess that all of this is VERY common.

I would not involve the mother in any way.

Most often, the apple has not fallen far from the tree, and/or to the parents, the child can do no wrong.

They are teenagers now, give them a little space to work thru this.

I would encourage your DD to go with one, or more, of these other girls....
It is a public place, a public festival... and I would advise your daughter to have a good time and simply IGNORE (refuse to even validate) this other girl and her efforts to control the situation. Take the attitude "I am here with my friends... no discussion needed"

Bottom line is, if some of the other girls are choosing to go along with the bully at your daughter's expense... Then they are not really friends that your daughter NEEDS to have. Hard lessons!!!! But VERY valuable.

Your daughter and a few of the other girls will probably learn fast.
Unless it escalates to real emotional/physical distress... Support your daughter in making the right decisions... but stay a good step back.


PS: If you want to understand the whole phenomenon, you could look into books like Queen Bees.... Mean Girls... etc... I have a son, not a daughter, and I have not read these books, but I am always seeing them recommended.

Remember... this too shall pass!!!

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I just read a book called Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads, the woman who wrote it has several books about teenage behavior and how the parents don't know how to deal with it well, and no wonder!

The Queen Bee book talks about how parents exacerbate the situations, like yours, that arise between kids, and tells you how to fix it without embarrassing your teenager or yourself. I don't have teenagers yet (a tween and an almost tween girl), but it was an interesting book.

Anyhow, it has some good ideas, might want to check it out of the library (that's where I found it).

 

[saratogadreamin09]

So what you are telling me if I confront her mother- she will say everything is ok? in other words she will deny that her child is bossy?

I did consider calling her mother to discuss the problem, but thought it would start more problems for DD. If she tells the group I called chances are DD will have no one at all. I think.

Yeah, girls like that are entirely differnt around their parents and friends. Most likely shes not bosy around her parents so if you tell her mom about it she'll just say that she's never seen her daughter like that.

 

[Stitchfans]

Thank you for the book titles. I never had this drama with my older DD28 when she was that age. All the girls got along and hung out together in a group. On occasion of course adding boys.

From what I understand bossy invited some boys to be in her group too. DD did mention one male friend of hers who wanted to go but his father wouldn't let him. Shame.

 

[ORMom2Four]

My DD also has a group of friends. As a teen, I had only one good friend at a time, so the group dynamics were surprising to me.

What will probably happen is that the group will splinter off into at least two groups.

As a mom, your gut feeling is to protect your DD. This is a time when we need to step back though and let it work itself out. I had to bite my tongue for a long time, listen to my dd as she and her friends worked it out themselves.

This happened recently in my own dd's group of friends. They same group dynamics, it was controlled by one girl, the "leader". Finally the rest of the girls saw through her lies/controlling ways and they split up. There were some nasty calls across the hallway (from the mean girl's new group) but it seemed to simmer down after a few weeks.

I wish you and your dd luck!

 

[BabyPiglet]

Unfortunately, teenage girls are very cruel. Like others have said, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so talking to her mom probably wouldn't help the situation.

Hopefully Allison knows that she has tons of friends here! If I lived in IL I would have loved to go to the festival with her, she's a great girl!

 

[Stitchfans]

Unfortunately, teenage girls are very cruel. Like others have said, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so talking to her mom probably wouldn't help the situation.

Hopefully Allison knows that she has tons of friends here! If I lived in IL I would have loved to go to the festival with her, she's a great girl!

Thank you. Wish you did. Like I said, yes she is lucky to have good friends here. Just a crying shame you all are so far away.

 

[BabyPiglet]

Thank you. Wish you did. Like I said, yes she is lucky to have good friends here. Just a crying shame you all are so far away.

It really is. We'll have to meet up at WDW one of these days.

 

[RadioNate]

Queen Bees and Wanna Bees.

Get it today. I'm surprised it took until 14 for you to encounter this. Around here it starts 4th/5th grade.

Parents getting involved WILL make it worse.

Unfortunately, it is VERY common.

 

[N&B'smom]

Let us know how it pans out!!

 

[Stitchfans]

Let us know how it pans out!!

Yes, ok I will. I am on pins and needles waiting to see if she had a good time. It ends at 10 and the other mom/my somewhat friend is bringing them home. I sure hope her evening isn't spoiled cause she seldom gets out due to the girls around here.

She spends every evening chatting with her friends here which is very nice. But IMO she needs to see people face to face once in a while too. She needs to get outside with the sunshine and get some fresh air.

Her birthday is coming up. She wants to have a sleep over birthday party. I am so afraid bossy can/will ruin that after this evening. I hope with all my heart at least two or three show up. Last year we did get two girls over for her birthday, and DH and I took the three of them to an arcade place. One of those girls joined bossy's group this evening.

 

[Stitchfans]

Queen Bees and Wanna Bees.

Get it today. I'm surprised it took until 14 for you to encounter this. Around here it starts 4th/5th grade.

Parents getting involved WILL make it worse.

Unfortunately, it is VERY common.

You see that is what is puzzling me, cause I never encountered this problem with her older sister. As I said DD28 hung with several friends and they all got along.

 

[N&B'smom]

I really hope she had a fun time and the mean girl didn't effect her evening. If only your DD's friends had stronger minds of their own so they wouldn't allow this one girl to manipulate them.

Make sure you update us!!! I've been thinking of her and hoping she has a GREAT time!

 

[Stitchfans]

They will be closing down in about 15 minutes. Have to give Kathy (friend's mom) time to find them then bring them home. I sure do hope she had a great or at least decent time too. I am sure she will be on the teen board either complaining about it or at least maybe saying it was ok.

Now the next hurdle will be her birthday sleep over in July. Lets see how many if any show up for that. In the past we always did something big like amusement parks, bowling, so on. this time just pizza, movies at home and sleep over. Hope that is exciting enough. Of course she will not be inviting bossy this time so that may have a big effect on the outcome.

 

[61292cna]

It is so hard to accept that your child maybe hurt by someone & you can't protect her from it. Hopefully all will turn out well. When my DD was going through this, you needed a scorecard to tell who was fighting & who was friends, in any given week. Eventually you will get through it all.

 

[Stitchfans]

She is home. She said she had an ok time. Guess she went on several rides. Everyone met as a group at one point, but then bossy took most of them and ditched the ones who stayed with DD. DD's group was waiting in the theatre for bossy's group and missed out on some of the ride time. They didn't realize right away that they were ditched.

DD said she avoided bossy as much as possible. She only had one tiny run in when the girl who was holding her glasses case with her glasses in them gave them to all people but bossy. Bossy had the case in her purse. She had to be asked twice to give DD her glasses back. She ignored the request and pretended to put more eye liner on. She is such a (to put it nicely since I am on a family board) pickle. Either way at least DD didn't let her ruin her evening. Thanks everyone!!