QUEEN ELIZABETH EXONERATES WINONA
Sovereign Asked Actress to Take Saks Items for Safe Keeping
A major bombshell hit the Winona Ryder shoplifting trial today as Queen Elizabeth II of England took the stand to exonerate the accused actress.
In a hushed courtroom, Queen Elizabeth revealed that Ms. Ryder had taken several items of clothing from Saks Fifth Avenue and placed them in her handbag on specific instructions from the Queen.
I had hoped to make it to America in time for Saks 50% Off sale, but I was too busy meddling in the lives of my children that week, the Queen testified. When I realized my schedule would not permit such a journey, I asked Miss Ryder to go to the store and put several items aside for me.
While Ms. Ryders defense team had high hopes that the Queens surprising testimony would result in a dismissal of the shoplifting charges against the actress, prosecutors said today that they smelled a rat.
Not only do we believe Queen Elizabeths testimony to be false, but we have evidence that Winona Ryder and Queen Elizabeth are masterminds of a major theft ring operating in America and abroad, one prosecutor told reporters.
In addition to clothing, we believe that the Queen and Winona Ryder have been trafficking in stolen jewelry, television sets and cars, the prosecutor added.
A spokesman for the FBI confirmed that they were trying to schedule an interview with Queen Elizabeth to discuss the theft charges, but that the sovereign had not been willing to cooperate thus far.
Specifically, wed like to ask her where she got that crown, the FBI spokesman said.
**** BOROWITZ ON NPR THIS SUNDAY ****
Andy Borowitz explains why Mondale-mania is sweeping the nation this Sunday morning on National Public Radios Weekend Edition Sunday. Check local listings.
Sovereign Asked Actress to Take Saks Items for Safe Keeping
A major bombshell hit the Winona Ryder shoplifting trial today as Queen Elizabeth II of England took the stand to exonerate the accused actress.
In a hushed courtroom, Queen Elizabeth revealed that Ms. Ryder had taken several items of clothing from Saks Fifth Avenue and placed them in her handbag on specific instructions from the Queen.
I had hoped to make it to America in time for Saks 50% Off sale, but I was too busy meddling in the lives of my children that week, the Queen testified. When I realized my schedule would not permit such a journey, I asked Miss Ryder to go to the store and put several items aside for me.
While Ms. Ryders defense team had high hopes that the Queens surprising testimony would result in a dismissal of the shoplifting charges against the actress, prosecutors said today that they smelled a rat.
Not only do we believe Queen Elizabeths testimony to be false, but we have evidence that Winona Ryder and Queen Elizabeth are masterminds of a major theft ring operating in America and abroad, one prosecutor told reporters.
In addition to clothing, we believe that the Queen and Winona Ryder have been trafficking in stolen jewelry, television sets and cars, the prosecutor added.
A spokesman for the FBI confirmed that they were trying to schedule an interview with Queen Elizabeth to discuss the theft charges, but that the sovereign had not been willing to cooperate thus far.
Specifically, wed like to ask her where she got that crown, the FBI spokesman said.
**** BOROWITZ ON NPR THIS SUNDAY ****
Andy Borowitz explains why Mondale-mania is sweeping the nation this Sunday morning on National Public Radios Weekend Edition Sunday. Check local listings.
