PSA: Declutter your house

[TwoMisfits]

In my case, it gets better. In addition to the upright piano in the vacant house DM needs to sell, DD purchased a fairly nice keyboard for DM, as they had moved to a 2 br condo nearer to us and he thought she'd like to play it. One of the first things DM did after DD passed was bring the keyboard to our place. "You have kids, maybe they'll want to play it". Youngest DD toyed with it for a while - but not really. She took up the flute instead and does like that. The keyboard now resides in our garage. You'd think a school or church would at least want something like that, but equally no.

You can donate a keyboard to Goodwill/thrift shop - they will accept it (b/c I've seen some there). As long as it's not too large.

 

[Lumpy1106]

All this talk of unwanted pianos reminds me of a joke;
A guy is driving his convertible with his banjo in the passenger seat. It's a nice day so he's got the top down, but he needs to stop by to get some money from the bank ATM. It will only take a minute, so he risks it and jumps out of his car and quickly uses the ATM. He's not fast enough though - when he returns to his car someone has already tossed a second banjo in the passenger seat.

 

[Pooh2]

All this talk of unwanted pianos reminds me of a joke;
A guy is driving his convertible with his banjo in the passenger seat. It's a nice day so he's got the top down, but he needs to stop by to get some money from the bank ATM. It will only take a minute, so he risks it and jumps out of his car and quickly uses the ATM. He's not fast enough though - when he returns to his car someone has already tossed a second banjo in the passenger seat.

Ha! During my decluttering spree, two of my banjoes ended up hanging on the wall at my son's home..

 

[BlueStarryHat]

The thing we ran into the most was some of the kids (unconsciously) guilt tripping my aunt. When some of them came over to clean out with us, there was a lot of, "that was dad's! You can't throw that out!" My aunt finally told them to take what they wanted. Nobody wanted any of the stuff, but they didn't want her throwing out 'their' memories. It was a hard couple of weekends.

 

[Turn the Page]

A few years back DH's grandfather's house became vacant. His grandfather had passed several years before and his partner was no longer able to live alone (THAT determination should have been made long before but I digress) and we helped his parents clean out the house.

That house was not simply filled with junk. She was a hoarder. Seriously could have been featured on an episode of the reality tv show. We had to wear rubber gloves to clean things out because she had been sleeping on the couch, due to her bedroom being too full of junk, but had mobility issues so she just used the bathroom on the couch regularly and had a Yorkie that did the same, and took sponge baths in the sink as the bathroom was also too crammed with garbage to get into. We threw out food that had expired before DH and I were born in addition to canned goods we couldn't idenitfy. There were boxes and boxes of random paper. All sorts of receipts from Kmart from 30 years before tucked into random newspapers and grocery store fliers but you couldn't just toss boxes of the paperwork. You had to go through everything because more important stuff had been tucked in. I still cringe just thinking about it.

And DH wonders why I now get super jittery over the fact that his stupid 4 wheeler with the flat tire has been sitting in our driveway for the last 2 years.

 

[gmi3804]

What I have a problem with is seniors who have attitudes like my MIL. For example, both my DH and his sister asked her repeatedly to work with them on sorting through her house + garage's worth of possessions, papers, and everything. MIL emphatically said no. When DH asked her, "But Mom, don't you realize that this will mean that you're leaving all of this work for my sister and I when you die? Don't you feel bad that you're leaving us to deal with all of it? This is going to be a huge burden for us."

And she said without any remorse, "Nope!"

My DH asked her then, "But why?"

And she said, "Because it won't matter anymore! Because I'll be dead! And then I won't have to deal with it. Somebody else will."

It was selfish. I understand WHY she felt that way. But she literally did not care at all about how her decision affected her kids.

Heck, if you want to hang onto all of your worldly possessions forever, that's fine. But do your kids a favor and pare down the hoard a little bit before you kick the bucket. Please.

How did it end up? Or is she still alive?

In a case like this, I'd ask for some money up front so that the junk removers can be paid. An irascible old bird like her probably won't comply, but you'll further get your point across.

 

[VandVsmama]

How did it end up? Or is she still alive?

In a case like this, I'd ask for some money up front so that the junk removers can be paid. An irascible old bird like her probably won't comply, but you'll further get your point across.

She died about a month after that.

DH was the executor of her estate. He had the estate pay for the 1-800-GOT-JUNK haulers. But, honestly, most of the time, ** I ** was the one hauling stuff to throw it all away one packed carload at a time. DH & SIL spent a few days at the very beginning going through things and deciding what they wanted to keep, what they'd prefer to try and sell to the estate sale/consignment shop people, and what they wanted to get rid of.

Most of the stuff ended up being thrown out.

In the midst of it all, DH's work life was insanely busy, SIL lives a 6 hr drive from us and couldn't come here all the time (understandably), and we had a window of a couple of months to get it all sorted out and done with because in the middle of all of the sorting, we also put the house up for sale through Open Door (DH & I owned the house, not MIL) and the closing with Open Door was early November.

It was an insane amount of work. All of those 50+ years of greeting cards that she'd saved? ** I ** was the one who opened up every envelope and card. Why? In case there was something special in it...a special note or maybe the card was a special hand-drawn one that SIL or DH gave to their mom when they were little kids. 4 big bins of greeting cards. Ended up with saving a few cards out of that.

What's ironic about the whole ordeal is the ENTIRE time I've been married to DH, his mother had passive-aggressively commented to all of us many times that "All of you are just waiting for me to die so you can throw out my stuff."

Guess what? We did end up throwing out most of her stuff. Going through it was a massive job and a huge burden for DH, SIL and I. My teenage kids helped, too. And through the process, my kids said, "Promise us that you'll never hang onto so much stuff like Grandma did. We don't want to go through this again." Absolutely, kiddos. 100% I am not going to do that to you.

So if anybody wants to live a minimalist lifestyle, hey, that's great. On the other hand, if you want to keep all of your treasures, that's great, too. But don't be a butthead and leave a mountain of those treasures for everybody else to deal with when you kick the bucket. Practice what you were taught in kindergarten. Think of others and pick up after yourself. Don't just shove it all aside because it's too emotionally hard for you to look at. and if you reach that point...where it's too hard to look at it...then go get some therapy.

 

[lovesmurfs]

The thing we ran into the most was some of the kids (unconsciously) guilt tripping my aunt. When some of them came over to clean out with us, there was a lot of, "that was dad's! You can't throw that out!" My aunt finally told them to take what they wanted. Nobody wanted any of the stuff, but they didn't want her throwing out 'their' memories. It was a hard couple of weekends.

Ugh. Since we just moved, we made some rather harsh decisions about old family stuff. My mom just asked me about a hand carved picture that my grandfather brought back from Germany after the war -- he'd converted it to a coffee table, and I LOVED it as a little kid, so he left it to me. It just doesn't have room in my life now. So I gave it away without telling her. Who knew she'd ask about it?

Mom: You KNOW that was probably worth a lot, don't you?
Me: Sorry, Mom. I'm sure I made someone's day. I just couldn't keep moving with it.
Mom: I just saw a hand carved cuckoo clock on Antiques Roadshow, and it was $7,000!
Me: Mom, it wasn't that good. Really. I just couldn't keep it. (and it really wasn't good -- it was big and clunky).
Mom: Well, I certainly wouldn't have wanted it, but I thought you'd think enough of your grandfather to keep it in his memory.
Me: Mom, I have wonderful memories of Grandad. I don't need things to remember him by. And the kids didn't want it, because it's not THEIR memory.

Keeping stuff just because you want to remember someone is a surefire way to ensure that you're trapped by things. Never again.

About 30 years ago over Thanksgiving dinner, my mother made a comment about something she'd found at a flea market. Dad told her that she needed to stop shopping, that "the kids" would have to clean everything out when they were gone. I laughed and said not to worry, that we'd just have an estate sale for the lot of it.

She has NEVER let me forget that one off-the-cuff statement. Every time I visit she reminds me of something that was Grandma's, or my aunt's, or <<insert name here>>. Through the years,

As someone with kids, I don't want to ever riddle my kids with guilt about their getting rid of my possessions. They may mean something to ME, but I don't expect the same from them.

And when Mom passes, while there are some things I will keep and treasure, my brother and I WILL call an estate agent. Just don't tell her.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Ugh. Since we just moved, we made some rather harsh decisions about old family stuff. My mom just asked me about a hand carved picture that my grandfather brought back from Germany after the war -- he'd converted it to a coffee table, and I LOVED it as a little kid, so he left it to me. It just doesn't have room in my life now. So I gave it away without telling her. Who knew she'd ask about it?

Mom: You KNOW that was probably worth a lot, don't you?
Me: Sorry, Mom. I'm sure I made someone's day. I just couldn't keep moving with it.
Mom: I just saw a hand carved cuckoo clock on Antiques Roadshow, and it was $7,000!
Me: Mom, it wasn't that good. Really. I just couldn't keep it. (and it really wasn't good -- it was big and clunky).
Mom: Well, I certainly wouldn't have wanted it, but I thought you'd think enough of your grandfather to keep it in his memory.
Me: Mom, I have wonderful memories of Grandad. I don't need things to remember him by. And the kids didn't want it, because it's not THEIR memory.

Keeping stuff just because you want to remember someone is a surefire way to ensure that you're trapped by things. Never again.

About 30 years ago over Thanksgiving dinner, my mother made a comment about something she'd found at a flea market. Dad told her that she needed to stop shopping, that "the kids" would have to clean everything out when they were gone. I laughed and said not to worry, that we'd just have an estate sale for the lot of it.

She has NEVER let me forget that one off-the-cuff statement. Every time I visit she reminds me of something that was Grandma's, or my aunt's, or <<insert name here>>. Through the years,

As someone with kids, I don't want to ever riddle my kids with guilt about their getting rid of my possessions. They may mean something to ME, but I don't expect the same from them.

And when Mom passes, while there are some things I will keep and treasure, my brother and I WILL call an estate agent. Just don't tell her.

It seems like your mom has specific items that were attached to specific people, IMO I do think it can be separated out from what most are talking about. I'm with people talking about curbing purchasing of stuff, especially if it's just buying for the sake of buying, but I don't think it applies to literally everything that your relatives have in their possession.

Most people are talking about the stuff their relatives kept that in the end what's the reason, like my sister-in-law just got a tub from her father and in it were grade school papers, an outfit from her high school dance team days and a few other random stuff. She's in her 30s none of that needs to be kept nor should it realistically have been kept all these years. Copious amounts of tools that just get collected over time and the bulk not getting used is another thing., tons of bulk furniture items, newspaper clippings that go beyond very big events and were just kept because, old manuals and receipts from items long since given away, etc. All those sorts of things that get piled up.

But one object that is being attached to one person even if it was for several people? That could be seen as different and not necessarily about being trapped by it. It's not that you would have the same attachment to the picture turned table from your grandfather but from what you're writing almost like your mom is trying to give you something to remember them by. You may not feel it is needed but that sorta seems from what you've written why she's kept and made verbal notations frequently enough about them. She's not keeping the stuff to keep the stuff but because it evokes a memory of a particular person.

I think your comment reads to me like a time where there's that delicate way of talking about it. It's no wonder she keeps bringing it up and bristled at your comment because she was trying to pass along a memory of a person and you're scoffing at it. That probably was hurtful to have that sort of reaction.

Maybe that picture turned coffee table due to the historical aspect of being from after WWII and being hand carved could have been donated to a local museum or collector if you could find someone. That way it could have been more about honoring the memory of your grandfather instead of getting rid of an item that didn't have a usage to you. I know too late now just offering that different viewpoint. Maybe there are some creative ways of handling the remaining items that she has a memory of for a specific person.

 

[gmi3804]

One semi-sad story: When my parents cleaned out my grandparents' house, they took a trunk that my grandfather had brought from the Old Country, filled with photos, objects, etc. We didn't know ANY of the people in any of the photos, and didn't know what to do with it. Dad kept the trunk (it was my mom's father's) in the garage for several years, until it was time to clear out HIS house when he and mom downsized to a condo. Unfortunately, the stuff was tossed, because nothing in there meant anything to any of us. Just lots of photos of people we didn't know. I think of that trunk sometimes, and wonder about all the lost stories, but still don't know if any of that stuff would be of any use or meaning to us.

 

[SC Minnie]

I was at my mom's last weekend and she was going through the bookcases in the basement (it's a finished basement apartment. There were college textbooks from the late 70's when my dad got his degree. There were 35 year old college textbooks of mine. I told her I didn't want any of those things and they were put in a garbage pile. A couple of books she said 'maybe I should hang on to this one'. I told her those books hadn't been looked at in 40 years. If she didn't do away with them then I would have do it some time in the future. In the pile they went.

After dealing with her husband passing and going through this things, my dad passing and going through his things, she has gotten all her papers together, updated her will, and gotten my brother and I on all her accounts. She saw what mess I had to go through with my Dad's probate and she didn't want me to deal with that when it was her time.

 

[barkley]

It was an insane amount of work. All of those 50+ years of greeting cards that she'd saved? ** I ** was the one who opened up every envelope and card. Why? In case there was something special in it...a special note or maybe the card was a special hand-drawn one that SIL or DH gave to their mom when they were little kids. 4 big bins of greeting cards. Ended up with saving a few cards out of that.

my mom did'nt keep greeting cards but she held on to every photo ever sent to her in one. decades of those small school pictures. i went through them to see if there were any i wanted to keep but i reccognized very few except for 2 cousins that mom pretty much had k-12 photos on. i called my cousin and said 'you probably don't want these but...'. she was THRILLED b/c my aunt (her mom) never kept any, she only bought the little ones and would mail them all out. at least my mom hanging on to them made someone else happy.

hanging on to stuff-i think my mil was on every charity mailing list known to man. when she passed we found stacks and stacks of those return mail address stickers, small note pads and small post-it pads that used to be popular for charities to mail with donation solicitations. almost 15 years later i still have an ample supply of both in my office and think of her every time i pull out a note pad or a post it pad with her name imprinted on it.

 

[Lumpy1106]

Resurrecting the thread - DM showed up at my house this week with a tire. DD (RIP) had kept it, and yes, we do have the same car model, but...it's a used tire. I could just see the guy at the tire place when my Dad asked for the tire back. "OK Boss, whatever you say..."
Now I have to get rid of a tire. Any takers?

 

[tvguy]

Resurrecting the thread - DM showed up at my house this week with a tire. DD (RIP) had kept it, and yes, we do have the same car model, but...it's a used tire. I could just see the guy at the tire place when my Dad asked for the tire back. "OK Boss, whatever you say..."
Now I have to get rid of a tire. Any takers?

Well, he saved having to pay a tire disposal fee that many states levee.
We have a situation in our family where the executor of a family member's estate still hasn't started to settle the estate. The person died 2 1/2 years ago. A house needs to be cleaned out and sold. It has been sitting vacant for 2 1/2 years with the estate having to pay insurance and property taxes and upkeep. All that is doing is reducing the amount of money. No other road blocks to settling the estate. Not sure the heirs will get anything if this goes on.

 

[Lumpy1106]

Well, he saved having to pay a tire disposal fee that many states levee.
We have a situation in our family where the executor of a family member's estate still hasn't started to settle the estate. The person died 2 1/2 years ago. A house needs to be cleaned out and sold. It has been sitting vacant for 2 1/2 years with the estate having to pay insurance and property taxes and upkeep. All that is doing is reducing the amount of money. No other road blocks to settling the estate. Not sure the heirs will get anything if this goes on.

Nah - he was a Boomer - he saw value in it, probably thought he would find a rim for it and use it as a spare (new cars don't have spares - WTH?). Regardless, he just passed the disposal fee on to me - because now I have to get rid of it.

We are 4 years from DDs passing and just now getting the house cleared out for sale. That's so much harder than it sounds, and the house is an 8 hour drive away. I thought I'd miss it, but it's really just been so much work that we just all want it gone - it's not even about the money.

 

[tvguy]

Nah - he was a Boomer - he saw value in it, probably thought he would find a rim for it and use it as a spare (new cars don't have spares - WTH?). Regardless, he just passed the disposal fee on to me - because now I have to get rid of it.

We are 4 years from DDs passing and just now getting the house cleared out for sale. That's so much harder than it sounds, and the house is an 8 hour drive away. I thought I'd miss it, but it's really just been so much work that we just all want it gone - it's not even about the money.

My wife and I handled her mom's house and my mom's house so I am well aware of the work involved. My MIL's estate took 6 months to settle because it was not properly set up and we had to go through probate. My mom's was properly set up, and it took 2 months to settle, actually, the way it was set up it was settled as soon as she passed, I just elected to sell the house.
Yes, when I went car shopping the first question I asked was "does it come with a spare tire?" Over half do not, but our 2020 Toyota Camry Hybrid did as did our 2018 Ford Flex. My daughter's 2017 Ford Fusion did not, the well is there in the trunk, so I just went to the junkyard and bought one. I think there is HUGE pushback on the lack of spares. Just like automakers are moving away from touch screens and going back to buttons and knobs to control the heater, ac, radio etc because customers HATE touch screens.

 

[clh2]

Oh my goodness…I didn’t not see this thread over the summer. My mom passed away earlier in the year, and my dad decided to sell their retirement home of 24 years. It took us 6 months to get it cleaned out, stuff donated/tossed etc.

My husband and I have been in our house for 9 years…and feel the need to do a purge next year.

 

[disykat]

I didn't go back and read, but I'm sure I already responded earlier on this old thread. I've cleaned out two houses in the last few years. I'm definitely making an effort to clear some stuff out ahead of time for my kids. IMO, some boxes of important mementos that were important to them, along with the normal books, household goods etc. are not a big deal. Even shelves full of photo albums I consider it the heir's privilege to go through. (I went through my parent's during the years I was visiting them more and more frequently for caregiving and took care of digitizing what needed to be saved. It gave us a project they could sort of be involved with as far as they were capable.)

What is a big deal is a hoard full of memories obviously no one has looked at in 30+ years. (How important were those memories? I was finding boxes from my mom's parents - who've been dead for over 40 years - in my parent's house that had literally never been opened and looked through. My Grandma on my dad's side had left a quite organized box for my dad when they left the farm in the 70's, my mom had packed up boxes from her parent's place when they downsized in the 80's and NEVER opened them. If I'd known they were there, I could have gone through them with them during those caregiving years!) Filing cabinets/boxes/piles, whatever full of paperwork that goes back 60 or more years, etc. In both our cases, the homes we were clearing had been lived in for 60+ years. Since we've lived in this home for over 25 years now, that is the stuff DH and I are working on for our children's sake. We're also getting our pictures prior to the digital age scanned and organized.

I find it hard to believe that anyone who has cleaned out their parent's homes where organizational efforts hadn't been made didn't at one point or another during the process feel angry.

 

[barkley]

Filing cabinets/boxes/piles, whatever full of paperwork that goes back 60 or more years, etc.

after helping a friend deal with his mom's inexplicable collection of important paperwork mixed with old long gone appliance warranty paperwork and the like then dealing similarly with a family member's I decided I had to come up with some means of creating an easy and efficient plan for whomever deals with our stuff. I ended up taking the most vital documents and labeling them with the what and why they were retained (and if they need to be retained upon our death during settlement of our estate), anything that dh and I need to retain for the remainder of our lives but can be immediately disposed of upon our deaths are stored in banker boxes that are labeled with a general description of the contents BUT also have large stickers on them that look like flames so that a quick glance indicates the entire contents can be tossed.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Regardless, he just passed the disposal fee on to me - because now I have to get rid of it.

Maybe a preschool near you will take it - apparently people are making see saws out of them:

after helping a friend deal with his mom's inexplicable collection of important paperwork mixed with old long gone appliance warranty paperwork and the like then dealing similarly with a family member's I decided I had to come up with some means of creating an easy and efficient plan for whomever deals with our stuff. I ended up taking the most vital documents and labeling them with the what and why they were retained (and if they need to be retained upon our death during settlement of our estate), anything that dh and I need to retain for the remainder of our lives but can be immediately disposed of upon our deaths are stored in banker boxes that are labeled with a general description of the contents BUT also have large stickers on them that look like flames so that a quick glance indicates the entire contents can be tossed.

Smart!!