Pretend you're a College freshman, What Would You Do?

[agnes!]

No advice, I'm just gob-smacked on how poorly the RA handled the situation. The boyfriend is, to put it nicely, a thief. He's getting to stay in a room rent-free. Gee, I'm sure the students who have actually *paid* to stay there wish *they* could get their room at no cost.

IMO the RA is an idiot. I'm sure he's getting some kind of compensation, but doesn't sound like he's actually working for it.
agnes!

 

[Rora]

No advice, I'm just gob-smacked on how poorly the RA handled the situation. The boyfriend is, to put it nicely, a thief. He's getting to stay in a room rent-free. Gee, I'm sure the students who have actually *paid* to stay there wish *they* could get their room at no cost.

IMO the RA is an idiot. I'm sure he's getting some kind of compensation, but doesn't sound like he's actually working for it.
agnes!

I think this is one of the most frustrating things about the entire situation.. The girl's BF apparently moved down from Iowa in September and is starting school in January. He isn't signing a lease for an apartment til then so that's why he's been staying with the gf in DCousin's room.

The RA was in the wrong but I also think it's ridiculous that Housing would say who was responsible for calling- an anonymous tip would've been the way to have handled this, IMO.

I (and DCousin's mom) am all for DCousin handling this on her own but sometimes the power of parents works magic. In this situation it's complicated things but at least the girl can no longer let him spend the night.

So, I guess she just needs stay out of the room as much as possible and just deal. Thanks for everyone's replies. If there's any more advice, send it my way!!!

BTW-DCousin goes to the University of Florida--big school-- with lots and lots of parents that get involved.

 

[Albort]

I think this is one of the most frustrating things about the entire situation.. The girl's BF apparently moved down from Iowa in September and is starting school in January. He isn't signing a lease for an apartment til then so that's why he's been staying with the gf in DCousin's room.

The RA was in the wrong but I also think it's ridiculous that Housing would say who was responsible for calling- an anonymous tip would've been the way to have handled this, IMO.

I (and DCousin's mom) am all for DCousin handling this on her own but sometimes the power of parents works magic. In this situation it's complicated things but at least the girl can no longer let him spend the night.

So, I guess she just needs stay out of the room as much as possible and just deal. Thanks for everyone's replies. If there's any more advice, send it my way!!!

BTW-DCousin goes to the University of Florida--big school-- with lots and lots of parents that get involved.

in that case, i would file grevience with the school housing office to have her moved to a different room...

 

[disykat]

in that case, i would file grevience with the school housing office to have her moved to a different room...

I would also be asking for some money back. Since they wouldn't help her remove the "squatter," she was essentially living in a triple room. They probably won't give her any money, but it might get their attention.

 

[sbell111]

DCousin should sleep in her boyfriends room until the end of the semester.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I'm with others who say "tough it out". Spend as little time as possible in the room until everything blows over. It's only 2 weeks. If she has another friend with room to sleep in, this might be the time to take advatage of that. I bought a futon for my room Sophmore year because of this very problem. I often had people staying over because they didn't want to walk back across campus late or because they just couldn't take their roommates any longer. I was in a single myself, so it was easy to offer space to my friends (although rather cramped).

It could be worse. My one friend had a roommate who dead bolted their room from the inside and left through the window (onto a roof and then through another widow) locking my friend out of the room and making it impossible for anyone to get in short of beating the door down.

 

[minkydog]

Freshmen though, i dont think you GET to pick your roommate...

Theres many ways to deal with it, but hey, HER mom is just trying to look out for her...

1) If it gets to a point, call the cops. he has no "LEGAL" rights to be there, yes it may cause big drama with your roommate but your entitled to it.


4) you should be able to file grievence with the housing office and request for a room change.

That's what I would suggest. If the boyfriend is there all the time she needs to start documenting it, every day, every time. If it's bothering her so much, she needs to go above the RAs head--the RA is obviously not going to do anything. And if the BF won't leave or she finds him spending the night(in the same room with her? ewww ) she needs to call campus security and have him escorted off the property. The roommate is going to be mad as heck, but too bad, so sad. They are breaking the rules and your cousin doesn't have to put up with it.

And why in the HECK has she put up with in for TWO MONTHS? She needs to get a backbone while she's at it.

 

[bumbershoot]

Thankfully, in a traditional style dorm, your cousin probably will have neighbors and she can go hang out there. Exam time is the best time for this to happen as she will likely be at the library, not her dorm. It's only two weeks and she can do anything for two weeks.

I agree. I mean, I don't agree that she *should* have to do this, but this is what it seems will be happening.

I would get everything of value out of that room whenever cousin's not in there or is asleep, though.

DCousin *DID* go to the RA (should've mentioned that- sorry!!). The RA came in and told the girl that she couldn't have him staying there 3 times. But, the girl didn't listen and DCousin kept telling the RA nothing was changing. Apparently the RA told DCousin to have her mother call as he didn't know what else to do.

OH my gosh. I'd be documenting that useless RA, too! At least in my school RAs were carefully chosen for their ability to lead, make decisions, and follow through. Their job is to be the hard-nosed rule-enforcer. At my university, "cohabitation" was absolutely against the rules, even if you both lived in the dorm (I lived coed by door), and they enforced that. There were some roommate situations where both of them had stayover boyfriends, and they just kept things quiet and worked out schedules, but most people went along with the rules. I still have the memory of when "cohabitation" was a word introduced to me, it was at 17 sitting there in the common room, as the RAs went over the rules!

Sophomore year I lived in a house (univ is small on a small area of land, and over the years they've bought a hundred or so houses around campus, furnished them, and non-frosh can enter a lottery to live in those, and you pay the same dorm prices and are under the Housing umbrella) with 5 other women. One of them not only brought a boy home all the time, but he was from the rough side of town and once woke us all up by pounding on the door, begging his girlfriend for $500 because drug dealers were following him. To our house. We'd already told her he needed to NOT stay over as much as he was, but after that we made it official.

My mom supported me by phone, but she never called. Though she did intervene in other things through my life, I'm sure...she knows that I'm shy and never wanted to make waves, and she helped when I let her...so I don't think the mom is wrong for calling. Mom IS paying, after all!

well, i dont agree with the lifes not fair in this situation. You pay GOOD money for room and board, you are entitled to what you signed with the school...

AGREED!!!!!!!!!!

I would also be asking for some money back. Since they wouldn't help her remove the "squatter," she was essentially living in a triple room. They probably won't give her any money, but it might get their attention.

At my university everyone in on campus housing paid the same rate, no matter what sort of room you had. House with 3 people, room with 4, house with 6 people, single...all the same price.



Cohabitation was a serious matter at my university mainly because of security reasons, and it was especially serious with non-students.

 

[MrsPete]

Wow! I can't believe that they told her WHO made the complaint. They COULD have just said that they noticed that a male was basically "living" there and that it is against rules. They really threw your cousin under the bus.

Well, honestly, how many people could it have been? I doubt they told the roommate/boyfriend WHO complained, but it really doesn't matter. Anyone could've figured it out -- even an idiot who thinks the housing rules don't apply to her.

I don't know why everyone jumped to the conclusion that the student hadn't done anything. Why don't people ever give anyone the benefit of the doubt on the DIS? The OP made it clear in her first post mama didn't immediately jump in.

But the OP DIDN'T say that anything attempts to rectify the situation had been made PRIOR TO mom calling. It certainly sounded as if the girl put up with it for as long as she could, then she had her mama jump in on the situation.

The RA in this situation was weak. After she told the girl/boyfriend that this couldn't continue, and it was clear that the couple wasn't going to follow the rules, the RA should've gone to her superviser for help. That person surely would've fixed the situation.

And why in the HECK has she put up with in for TWO MONTHS? She needs to get a backbone while she's at it.

Easier said than done. Remember that 18-year olds are really adults in name only. Most of them haven't had the life experience necessary to handle these tricky situations. She probably thought that by asking nicely this roommate would change the situation, and she didn't want to make things difficult in her home, and the roommate probably made promises . . . and all of a sudden two months had passed and nothing was different.

I remember clearly that when I was that age my roommate and I lived in a VERY hostile environment during our first semester, and it was awful. If I were back in that situation now, I could handle it much better -- at 18, I just didn't have experience LIVING WITH people who weren't nice and kind most of the time.

 

[Rora]

I remember clearly that when I was that age my roommate and I lived in a VERY hostile environment during our first semester, and it was awful. If I were back in that situation now, I could handle it much better -- at 18, I just didn't have experience LIVING WITH people who weren't nice and kind most of the time.

This is so true. DCousin is usually pretty good about sticking up for herself but I think she didn't want something like this to happen and make living miserable.

I am going to tell her to start documenting every time he spends the night IF HE DOES IT AGAIN. Hopefully they will listen. If he continues to spend the night, she will be going directly to the dean with the documentation.

I still feel bad that she has to hide out but I guess it's for the best.

 

[NC State]

I don't think it's fare that she has to "hide out" she/parents paid for the room too.

 

[mcco5543]

she does NOT have to hide out. She can request to be moved to an empty location since it is the school's fault for letting him stay there in the first place.

If she went to meet with the Dean and told him that this boy is staying in her room with her roomate simply because he can't sign a lease until Jan and does not want to live with the parents...I promise promise promise the kid will be outta there so fast his head will spin.

There is NO reason for her to hide out ..she lives there, it's her room , she has to deal with the roomate but the boyfriend is not part of the deal.

In my school the roomates all had to co-sign for any guest in their room that wasn't there, allowing for that guest to be there. I thought he was just a kid attached at the hip to his girlfriend. I didn't realize he was staying their specifically for free housing... THAT situation can and should be solved exams or not

 

[disykat]

But the OP DIDN'T say that anything attempts to rectify the situation had been made PRIOR TO mom calling.

- and she didn't say she didn't make attempts to rectify it prior to calling, yet poster after poster assumed she didn't. That was my point. This is a huge pet peeve of mine on the DIS. People don't give the "benefit of the doubt."

 

[Rafiki31]

She is in adult, it is absurd to me that her mom WOULD call for her, instead of telling her to figure it out. And since she is moving in two weeks, she needs to act like an adult and suck it up for ONLY two weeks.

It is ONLY two weeks. The problem is solved by her moving next semester.

 

[disykat]

she needs to act like an adult and suck it up for ONLY two weeks.

It is ONLY two weeks. The problem is solved by her moving next semester.

I don't get that at all. What kind of person wouldn't be bothered by having their roommate sleeping with someone else in her bed two feet away from them? Seriously? Even if you take away the inconvenience factor, how would anyone tolerate this?

 

[Rora]

I don't get that at all. What kind of person wouldn't be bothered by having their roommate sleeping with someone else in her bed two feet away from them? Seriously? Even if you take away the inconvenience factor, how would anyone tolerate this?

So true..and they aren't just sleeping...

 

[Rafiki31]

If she made it through two months, she can make it for two more weeks. The semester is almost over. At my school it took more then two weeks for housing to even call you back, let alone correct an issue. I think its a futile waste of time at this point, when she should be stuyding. If her room is that unbearable, go sleep at a friends or study at the library. It is only two weeks.

 

[ThurlFan]

I would get everything of value out of that room whenever cousin's not in there or is asleep, though.

This.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If she made it through two months, she can make it for two more weeks. The semester is almost over. At my school it took more then two weeks for housing to even call you back, let alone correct an issue. I think its a futile waste of time at this point, when she should be stuyding. If her room is that unbearable, go sleep at a friends or study at the library. It is only two weeks.

Agree. My dd is a college freshman the only thing she needs to worry about is taking her finals.

 

[NotUrsula]

In a perfect world, she would have formally reported this as soon as she realized that he was actually moving in (as in no other place of residence.) The roommate AND her boyfriend would have been kicked out of the dorm, boyfriend because he isn't a student there, and roommate because she was allowing a non-student to reside in a university-provided residential facility.

The problem, as several other people have noted, is that there are only 2 weeks left in the semester now that this has been escalated to the housing office. The odds are VERY high that by the time housing does the paperwork and finds somewhere for her to move to, the semester will be over. (Not to mention the time taken to pack up to move when she should be studying for finals.)

Moving one or the other of them would have been best, but realistically it is too late for that. Sucking it up and working around it is the best practical solution at this late date.

My guess is that if he is unemployed, the boyfriend will now be sleeping in the room in the daytime and leaving at night to go hang out in a gym or coffeehouse. He will be underfoot every chance he gets, and nasty about it.