possible domestic violence

[Tiggeroo]

I have neighbors above me who are having problems. They always seemed like such a close fun-loving couple. They rarely fought. But they both have issues with alcohol and I guess that is getting worst. The fighting has really escalated the past couple months. It always sounds like large things are being thrown around. Last night you could hear her yelling at him to leave and claiming he hurt her. He was saying she gets drunk and throws herself into walls. I was ready to call the police but then I heard him leave.
I really don't believe he is beating her. I think they get drunk and their fights get physical. I've never seen a bruise on her but i've seen him looking beat up.
What would you do? We live in a small building and it is likely they'd know we were probably the ones who called the police. Also, because we live in such a small building I know from personal experience that a slightly heated fight can sound much worst then it is next door.

 

[kdibattista]

I would definitely call the police... you just never really know.

 

[kpm76]

Yes, call the police. Just because she doesn't "look" like she's been beaten, does not mean she's not really good at hiding it. You know they have issues with alcohol so that's not a good combination. Sounds like a very unhealthy situation and I think they need intervention.

 

[cleo]

I would talk to HER first. If she wants help she'll let you know. Call the police and you've just opened up a whole can of worms you may not understand.

I know I'll get flamed here, but the truth is, when some 'well meaning' person does something like calling the police or making accusations without knowing what's really going on, it can have profound effect on the people involved, and not necessarily in the way you might imagine.

I've been on the receiving end of the punch. I know what I'm talking about. Open up conversation with her and let HER ask you for help. If you KNOW without a shadow of a doubt (meaning, you SAW him hit her, push her, etc or she TELLS you that's what happened), then call the police. Otherwise, keep an eye open and let her be your guide.

 

[Tiggeroo]

she definitely doesn't want or feel she needs help. In the relationship normally i'd say she's the one with the power. She has the higher paying job, car loans and other credit things are in her name. They had plans to make a big purchase. It appears to me he's not holding up his end of the bargain by really not attempting to work. They have no kids or anything. It's a fight over him not working and money in general escalated by alcohol.
It's a shame because they are great people who have been great to my kids. They clearly need some help. But like I said in this small condo building sounds escalate. I know there was a time when dh and I were fighting too much. I know for a fact that our fights sounded much worst then they were. I feel like last night it crossed a line. I"m feeling badly because I think that was the time to call. If I see something escalate the way it did last night I will call. The thing is i'm not their closest neighbor. I can't imagine the people closer haven't called yet.
The thing is a police report would get back to the building owner and could possibly cause them some problems. It's a very small town.

 

[VSL]

I really don't believe he is beating her. I think they get drunk and their fights get physical. I've never seen a bruise on her but i've seen him looking beat up.

Maybe she is beating him up?

 

[cleo]

Tigaroo, it is MY OPINION that you are getting yourself involved in something NEITHER of them WANT you involved in. Please, unless she lets you know she wants help, leave them alone. You cannot imagine the consequences of what you're doing, and how that could impact these people who have TOLD you they don't want you involved.

From your second post, I'm going to go out on a limb (because this matters so much) and say you aren't being 'kind', you're being a busybody. This isn't an act of compassion, this is an act of a nosy neighbor. They TOLD you to keep out. BOTH of them want you to leave it alone. If she gave you any indication she was being abused, I'd say CALL. But she told you to butt out. Believe her.

 

[Tiggeroo]

cleo
sorry you are off base here. This has been going on for several months. I've ignored it and never said a thing to them. I am aware of the consequences of getting involved and therefore I have not called the police. Last night she was crying, telling him to leave, saying look at how he made her bleed, and getting very upset because he wouldn't leave. There was loud banging coming down thu the floor. I am not a busy-body. Not even close. I didn't call but today i'm feeling guilty for not calling. What if somebody really was hurt.
One of the main reasons I haven't called is because it's always appeared to me to be an argument that went into pushing and shoving on both sides. It is also an independent woman with the means to either leave or force him to leave if she wanted. There are no children involved. I have no experience with domestic abuse. That's why I asked. I couldn't sleep last night for fear that I made the wrong decision.
I try to respect everybody's privacy. This is very loud and very clear what is being said. There was a very loud bang that woke me out of a sound sleep (taking pain meds) last night.

 

[kpm76]

Cleo, I respectfully disagree with you. I am sorry you had a bad experience with someone getting involved in a personal situation, but the sad reality is that victims of domestic violence often times will not admit they need help, especially to someone they are not particularly close to, such as a neighbor. There are a variety of reasons why people stay in abusive situations, most often because of finances. The interesting thing about this scenario is that the OP said the woman is the primary bread winner etc. However, that does not mean she's not being abused and she might need intervention. Maybe she's ashamed, maybe she's scared...could be alot of things. The OP stated that she heard the woman say she had been hurt, she hears things being thrown around and she knows they have an issue with alcohol.....all good reasons to get the police involved. Last October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, our state had an ad campaign "Domestic Violence: It is Your Business." So often we think what goes on in someone's home should be their business and nobody else's....well, we have a responsibility to let our conscience be our guide and if the OP had a gut instinct that this family needs help, then she should act upon it.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

If she or he wants help she or he will call the police. Like Cleo said, the effects are not what you may expect them to be.

I know this won't be a popular opinion, but it's one that I also have some personal experience with.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Unless I feel very sure they need help I won't be calling. I know it could effect their ability to rent their condo. It could also be the end of their marriage. But if I think somebody really needs help I"ll have to call. It would be the very last straw. I don't like to get involved at all. I know them to say hi or to sit and talk for a bit but we're not really friends. There can be things I know nothing about.
She is a strong woman. Not at all the sort to be ashamed and stay in a bad situation out of fear, shame or anything else like that. I still assume it's an argument that crosses the line due to alcohol. I think she has the power in the relationship and she is the one with the bigger drinking habit.
I love my neighbors and don't want there to be any problems between us. I was asking because I worried that I did the wrong thing by not calling last night. Maybe i'm being selfish and not doing the right thing because I don't want to upset anybody.

 

[Bob Slydell]

I agree with cleo and MJ -- if they've told you they don't want you involved, calling the police isn't going to do any good (and it might even do more harm).

 

[kmebee]

here is the opinion of someone who has been in that type of relationship...call the police. yes, it might cause some problems between them but it will force him (or her) to realize that there are bigger problems in their relationship and things might end up working out for the best between them whether that means growing together or splitting up. You certainly don't know if, one day, you hear a loud thud and maybe it was something being thrown or it was her (or him). In most states now, if she (or he) refuses to press charges the state takes it into their own hands. They will contact the person that refused to press charges and speak with them first though. I don't know that the police will report things to the apt./condo office but certainly their other neighbors probably have or will. And maybe they have already contacted the police as well. I certainly know that I wished at times that one of my neighbors had called someone, anyone to help me in my situation. One time I called (the one time he didn't unplug the phones, hide them or yank them out of the wall) and he left before the police got there. Stupid me, after some time apart (more than a day or two) took him back (he was "changed" - yeah, right). And one time I left, found a policeman on the street and told him what happened. Again, he left before the police got to the apt. Needless to say, I decided that night I was moving FAR, FAR away. And I did. And haven't been happier since. Sorry if that is a hijack of this thread but just want the OP to know that she should call someone.

 

[kmebee]

I agree with cleo and MJ -- if they've told you they don't want you involved, calling the police isn't going to do any good (and it might even do more harm).

Did I miss something, cuz I don't see where they've told her not to get involved. I thought she said she hasn't even talked to them about it. ???

 

[Tiggeroo]

no i've never mentioned this thing to them. I talk to them, I see her by herself and ask how she's doing. But I can't really see asking directly about this.

 

[Bob Slydell]

Did I miss something, cuz I don't see where they've told her not to get involved. I thought she said she hasn't even talked to them about it. ???

I guess I misread this part, then?

she definitely doesn't want or feel she needs help.

 

[CathrynRose]

Well - you could call the police and *NOT* report domestic violence - report your neighbors being too loud.

The police will come and sort if out ono their own.

But I agree with Cleo - it's not your business.

 

[tarmand]

Well - you could call the police and *NOT* report domestic violence - report your neighbors being too loud.

The police will come and sort if out ono their own.

I agree. If their fight woke me up in the middle of the night, you'd bet your butt I'd call the police. I feel that what's going on is their business and from what you are saying, it sounds to me as though she is a willing participant in these fights. I don't know the situation, but if I were a man and my wife was hitting me or throwing things at me, I'd probably defend myself. I don't think there is room for violence in any relationship, but there are some people who find it perfectly normal in their relationships.

That being said, when their fights start affecting my life then they either need to find somewhere else to fight or expect a visit from the police during each little episode.

 

[barkley]

if they are renters you can make an anonomous call to the landlord to report that his tenants are infringing on your right to peace and quiet. you can also call the police when one of these events are happening to report 'disturbing the peace".

if 2 adult mutualy wish to engage in this behaviour it's their personal buisness, but when it infringes on the peace and quiet of the neighbors it becomes the neighbor's buisness (and if i had children living in my home with these types of "sounds" i would'nt want them subjected to hearing it).

on a personal note-i went to from k-12th grade with a girl. she and her husband lived in a neighboring town and apparantly fought with each other constantly. none of the neighbors ever called the police (afraid to get involved, did'nt want to "feel uncomfortable around them")-until she went missing. from the evidence in the home it appears she was beaten to death-her body has never been recovered (and their daughter still lives with the husband-there was not enough evidence to prosecute). in a similar situation i would call the police (and have).