Plz help.....teenaged son's girlfriend is pregnant UPDATE ON PG 13

[kelleigh1]

that's exactly how i feel. i know ds was relieved when he realized that i didn't hate them both! and his girlfriend too. she has NO support from her family. none. i think she will eventually end up living with us. we have an empty bedroom that would be just perfect for her and our new baby!

They are lucky to have you!

I have no advice, but want to wish all of you the best and I hope that your statements will help this poor girl to avoid criminal charges. She does not need that hanging over her head for the rest of her life.

 

[61292cna]

1) I'm glad you realize the GF's home life may make it necessary for you to take her in, & that you are willing to shoulder the responsibility!

2) when the baby comes, do get a DNA test also get child support & visitation in writing

3) babysitting should only be done for school or work

4) remember it isn't the end of the world, this to shall pass.

My oldest DD 28, now, turned 16 when her DS was 2 months old. He is now 12, has a brother 8, and stepbrother 6, she is raising mostly on her own, as boyfriend is about 80% clueless. she owns her own house & car and rarely needs to ask for help from us, so things do workout sometimes, but it takes patience, hard work & a lot of toungue biting!

Wishing you all the best with lots of Disney pixie dust & .

 

[barkley]

omg.....her living with us would be the absolute last resort. i'm just saying that i could see it eventually happening. eventually. maybe...

and i don't agree that "this baby is her baby". it is THEIR baby. and they are both way too young to do this alone. i feel i have as much of a responsibility to her and the baby as my son does. he can only offer so much at his age. if they were older i think i could separate myself more. but not now, no way. hopefully what the adults have to offer will make up for what they are lacking themselves.
i will be there for her even more because her mom probably won't be.

actualy-until paternity is established it is ONLY "her" baby-up until paternity is established minor mom and her parents call all the shots. ultimatly as a minor mother at the time the child is born, while the minor mother could take the child home with her it would likely be with oversight from social services to ensure that a legal adult (or children's services) serves in a legal capacity as a guardian. if minor mom is unwilling or unable to provide a home for the child then adoption might be pursued with the proven bio father having rights-but given that in this case the presumed dad is a 15 year old who is neither self supporting nor emancipated, it would be up to the courts to determine if his parents are qualified and appropriate to take custody.

"yes" there are lots of minor moms who are'nt subject to these kinds of oversight, but, because the school learned of a pregnancy of a minor student they were mandated reporters to both law enforcement and social services (to ensure the minor mom is not the victim of child sexual abuse), and when they learned the potential father was a younger minor who by the laws of that state is "technicaly" the victim of an illegal sexual act they had to report on his behalf as well. there are likely now 2 pending cases in social services.

your intent to "be there" for the minor mom is admirable, but please explore your limitations on a legal basis. it may be that social services will have a big voice in how you can proceed (it may be that there is stipulation that very limited contact be permitted the 2 minors because of the sexual abuse allegations, esp. since minor mom is closer to adulthood with even greater ramifications if sexual contact continues), so it is possible that you may find yourself severly restricted on your contact with minor mom.

given that the police are already involved i would suggest finding out what the status of any report to social services is-and learning where you currently stand as far as your parenting rights are before you move forward to assist minor mom/your son with theirs (d.a. may not prosecute the girl but that does'nt mean dss can't find your son "endangered" or "at risk"-esp. if you had any knowledge that they were engaging in sex and did nothing to stop it, or do nothing to stop it immediatly now that you know for sure).

(i saw far too many cases in social services of this nature-and very well meaning parents often learned too late that had they gotten legal advice in the begining it was a benefit to all the children involved).

 

[sbell111]

I don't know how much of a difference it makes but my son will be 16 in a month. and she just turned 17. she will still be 17 when the baby is born. so 16 & 17.....
he is a sophmore and she is a junior in the same high school. they have a couple classes together.

OK. When the baby was conceived, he was 15, she was 16. There were probably no laws broken.

I'm shocked that so many people are coloring this poor girl with such a dark brush. People need to drop their preconceptions and return to the simple facts of the case. Two teens had sex and a baby was conceived.

If your son has no inkling that she was cheating on him at the time, she likely wasn't. In the coming months he'll hear about it if she was. If nothing comes up about it, I wouldn't push for a paternity test. It will only cause angst and the result will be a foregone conclusion.

Here's my advice for the future grandparents:
Support both kids. Support the other family as much as they will allow. Whatever happens in the coming months, roll with it.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

oh boy.....i got a call yesterday at work from my 15 year old son. he told me that his 17 yr old girlfriend is pregnant.

he had to call from school and tell me over the phone (while i was at work) before his school resource officer called to tell me.

i really don't know what's going to happen. she's already 5 months along and i just found out. i know they are terrified, and on top of being pregnant, we just found out that the state attorney might press felony charges against her because of their age differences.

me and my ex-husband are going over to talk to her parents today at 3:00. i don't think it's going to go too good......they are trying to keep the kids apart now. too late for that.
and from what i know of her step-dad, he is just a rude, mean, drunken a**hole.

what a mess.........

Without getting into the mess this thread can be, I've only read your post.
All I can say is good luck with her parents, and take it a day at a time. Be there for your son, and in turn, your grandchild.
Hopefully you can work in not having charges pressed against her....

 

[PrincessKsMom]

It's sad that it's always the girl's fault. She's always the one with issues, trapping a boy, trying to get away from her family, being devious, sleeping around. I don't care what the law says, this idea of her being a sexual predator is ridiculous.

OP, I think you're handling a tough situation remarkably well and I know your son needs you now more than ever. Give him, his girlfriend and your future grandchild all the love and support you can muster and the heck with everyone else and their opinions. Don't feel guilty because your family, and particularly your son, are willing to shoulder your fair share of the responsibility in this situation. I wish there were more mother's of sons like you out there.

 

[Shadow Dancer]

Wishing on a star - maybe I'm wrong, but was your DH the one a few years ago who discovered he had a fathered a child when he was a teenager?
Maybe that is why you are posting so negatively and slightly snarky.

Forgive me if I have you confused with another poster.
Either way, you are entitled to your thoughts, as is the OP. IMO, the OP is handling this in a very calm and thought-out manner. I just don't think you have to keep coming back, time after time with more snide comments.

OP - I hope everything works out for the best for all of you and that your DS and his GF have a healthy baby. It sounds as though it will definitely be loved by your family.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wishing on a star - maybe I'm wrong, but was your DH the one a few years ago who discovered he had a fathered a child when he was a teenager?
Maybe that is why you are posting so negatively and slightly snarky.

Nope that was me. I also gave up a child for adoption as a teen.

As a person who gave up a kid for adoption, I can tell you that most people will look you dead in the eye and say "I could never give away my child/grandchild".

So there is just not alot of support for adoption out there anymore, to answer the question of why don't teens give up their kids anymore.

 

[rie'smom]

that's exactly how i feel. i know ds was relieved when he realized that i didn't hate them both! and his girlfriend too. she has NO support from her family. none. i think she will eventually end up living with us. we have an empty bedroom that would be just perfect for her and our new baby!

Please do not jump the gun! A girl was pregnant and swore up and down that the only possible father was my friend's son. He wanted and got a paternity test. Turns out he was not the father and the girl finally said that it could have been 4 other guys.

 

[Darsa]

I only wish that more mothers of teens who make this mistake were as forgiving and understanding as you're obviously being. I'm very impressed with what you've said here so far!

Legal advice is an EXCELLENT idea, IMHO. A lot of attorneys will offer a free consult of a half hour or an hour, which may answer some of the more pressing matters at hand.

I wish you and your family a lot of luck!

 

[Handbag Lady]

Other than support, I think the best thing to do is to offer to your son his options.

He can discuss adoption or discuss having to support the child for the next 18 years or more. Only you and he and the girl and her parents can decide. I believe that the two parents (the boy and girl) should be the sole deciders, obviously, but they need to know they have options and they need to be supported and not feel as if they are being pushed in one direction or the other.

On paper, adoption does seem like the best choice for the baby. But, I'm not in their shoes.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I went back and read the 5 pages after I posted.... couldn't help getting enveloped in this thread....

that's exactly what i said to the cop i saw yesterday. she said it's because he is UNDER 16 and she is OVER 16. she came to my work to have me write a statement that i knew of the relationship and that i don't want to press charges. my son also had to write a statement that he wasn't raped. the officer told me that ds laughed in her face when she asked him if he was raped! this is so wrong. they are CLASSMATES!
as if florida doesn't have enough low life perverts and criminals to deal with already. please.....give me a freakin break
the cop said she will give the state attorey's office our statements, but they will probably file charges anyways. just what the kids DON"T need to deal with right now.

I agree, I don't think this situation warrants the charge, but it happens. I've known of 2 cases here in Ga. Unfortunately, in one, the mom was told by the state attorney if she didn't go wtih the charges, they'd get her for child neglect. Now, thats a scary thought - The other, she begged her parents not to press charges (he was 17, she was 14), said it was consentual, but he was charged regardless.

that's exactly how i feel. i know ds was relieved when he realized that i didn't hate them both! and his girlfriend too. she has NO support from her family. none. i think she will eventually end up living with us. we have an empty bedroom that would be just perfect for her and our new baby!

You have a range of emotions right now. I think this is the route to go (positive) because anger or negativity won't help anyone right now....

thanks! oh it is just too weird to think of myself as a grandmother! just last week i was looking at hair dye to cover my grey! i'm 37 and don't feel "grandmotherly" at all!!! in less than 2 days my name has been changed to grandma by a few coworkers and my sister!

i do feel a little guilty, but i can't help but get a little excited thinking about a baby and it will be a beautiful one, of course

OMG...scary... When my DD is 15, I'll be 36/37. I'm so not ready for that so young! (2 yrs away). Although I think your excitement is great, don't get so vested in this baby, just in case her parents step in with their daughter, which in reality, they can make it hell for you and your son...

seems like putting the cart before the horse....until there is a paternity test done there is no way anyone knows if this baby is your sons.

I think this mentality is sad, and rude. If he doesn't think so, and doesn't think to ask her, why does everyone assume just because they are teens, or just because they aren't married, that they are unfaithful??

Probably decidual bleeding. Once a woman is pregnant the 'periods' end.

So untrue... are you a female and/or a obgyn? Many women have their periods throughout the whole pregnancy. Not every month is the same even when not pregnant.
Regardless, she's pregnant, bleeding or not.

I have only read 2 pages in here. But, I wanted to suggest that instead of everyone gearing up for having a new baby that perhaps it makes more sense to encourage these children to put this baby up for adoption. Although certainly some folks with a 15 year old father do OK, I believe that the best future for this baby would be to be with grown up parents in a stable home who want to have a newborn.

Hugs to you, OP, I can imagine this must be a terribly emotional time for you. We'll be praying for your family and this little one.

Adoption is great for those who feel that is their best option. Not all teens are incapable of being good parents. I think forcing one over the other is wrong. If they have the support of at least one set of grandparents, and they have prepared themselves for parenthood, I think there's nothign wrong with taking responsibility, and reaping the rewards of stepping up.

 

[bunny]

OP, please remember that this baby's is your son's responsibility and not yours. He is the person who will be responsible for child support and custody arrangements. Yes, babies are wonderful and I am definitely against abortion, but your son's life (if the child is his) will be forever changed by this not only emotionally but financially. He will be responsible to give the mother at least 25% of his income for the next 18 years. If he can't do that, you will either pay it or he will go to jail. The probability that he and this girlfriend will end up together is slim to none. She (and her family) will parent this child with probably little input from your son. He may spend the next 18 years going to court with her to resolve financial and custody issues. Please make sure the baby is tested at birth to verify that he/she is really his and then go directly to a good attorney. You will probably need to start paying child support right away plus 1/2 of the daycare costs if she need daycare while she finishes school. And even if she lives with you, since they are not married, he will be on the hook for the child support. If you don't pay it, when she moves out, they will retroact it to the date of the child's birth.

I would also encourage them to give the baby up for adoption. A 15 year old is not ready to be a father. And her family doesn't sound like people you will want to deal with for the next 18 years.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Oh, and be strong, don't let her parents bully you in any way! Smile and discuss things at your meeting today in a very straight manner.

 

[PaulaSB12]

true. i did ask my son how sure he is that it's his.
he says he's only as sure as any guy could be. and she says she's 100% sure it's his. i'm sure we'll get testing after the baby's born.

That has been, unfortunately said by too many girls they have to get the baby tested to make sure the baby is your grandchild getting too emotionally attached and finding its not is going to be very painful all round.

 

[horseshowmom]

Please do not jump the gun! A girl was pregnant and swore up and down that the only possible father was my friend's son. He wanted and got a paternity test. Turns out he was not the father and the girl finally said that it could have been 4 other guys.

Just out of curiosity, was your friend's son in an exclusive relationship with the girl in question for a long period of time?

Since the OP mentioned that her son and the girl had been dating for a year, it sounds like it's very likely that the child is his. I realize that it might not be, but the odds are certainly stacked strongly in that favor.

 

[Shmily1]

No offense...
I am a huge supporter of adoption!!!

But, something tells me that there is not a snowball chance in he!! that this girl is considering adoption.

And, the 15 year old father's mother is goo-goo and gaa-gaa eyed, ready to decorate a nursury and shop for baby stuff.
..sigh..

PS: as far as I know, parents rights do not only apply to 'adult' parents... the mother is STILL the mother. HER baby...

Coming from the "been there" side, the OP has two options. First, she can be mad and unsupportive. This is highly unproductive since her DS needs her more now than ever. It will only drive a wedge between them all. Secondly, she could be supportive and try to look on the bright side. This will show her DS that he can trust her (very big to have trust with teens no matter what the situation) and that she will be there even when things are not the ideal situation. Instead of talking down to OP, maybe you should commend her for taking the high road and being supportive of her son and his decisions.

 

[dismom2]

Just wanted to give you a hug. Just keep being loving and supportive. It's fairly common nowadays for teens to get pregnant, so you will have more support than you would have 30 years ago (we had a situation close to home back in the day and it was much more complicated than if it happened now). I just kind of skimmed through most of the posts, and saw a lot of legal talk. I wouldn't put that in the forefront---as far as the main topic of conversation--- it may stress everyone out more. Definately do what you have to do, but keep things positive and try to help everyone be comfortable with the situation. If the girl isn't going to get much support at home, then it sounds like you will step in and give her some, which is really great of you. Good luck with everything.

 

[legalsea]

I went back and read the 5 pages after I posted.... couldn't help getting enveloped in this thread....



So untrue... are you a female and/or a obgyn? Many women have their periods throughout the whole pregnancy. Not every month is the same even when not pregnant.
Regardless, she's pregnant, bleeding or not.

.

The above was in response to my statement that women do not have menstrual cycles while pregnant.

I am not a woman nor a medical doctor. However, I am educated and I do know that women do not have menstrual periods while pregnant.

Perhaps you can point us to an acceptable medical source to support your statement that "Many women have their periods throughout the whole pregnancy"?

Many women do have occasional bleeding or spotting during a pregnancy, but it is not a menstrual cycle.

Here is an interesting link: http://womens-health.health-cares.net/pregnancy-spotting.php

 

[ckay87]

OP, please come back and post an update after your meeting with the parents. I'll be thinking of you.