Please weigh in on sensitive family situation

[Debbie7452]

OK, I need some advice and I don't mind hearing all points of view. I'm just afraid I'm going to get flamed, but here goes.

My only sibling sister has very recently left her DH and moved into an apartment. It was very sudden and unexpected to us all (even the husband, he says). She just called and wanted to talk about plans for family Christmas dinner. I give the family dinner at my house on Xmas Eve. It consists of my Mom, Sister's family, my family. Anyway...Sister wants to tell me she has a "very serious" new relationship with another woman and needs to know if she can bring her to our family Christmas events. If not, she will just make plans to go out of town for the holidays.

I was a little dumbfounded at the revelation of the new relationship and felt a little put on the spot at needing to commit about Christmas plans with someone I've never even met before (or even heard about).

I was fond of her DH (21 years of marraige) and the whole situation is sad and confusing. What would you do?

 

[Ash&Wes07]

I can only tell you how it would work in my family, which I know is not how it would work in others.

If my sister found happiness/love with someone else, they would be invited to Christmas dinner. It goes without saying. No matter how quickly after a divorce, who they were, ect.

 

[MushyMushy]

I would support my sister. If she wanted my opinion, I would give it to her, but other than that, I'd support her.

 

[ndelaware]

I would tell her is my sister and always welcome at my house.

 

[Acklander]

Invite them both, this is very important to your sister. The relationship your sister had with her DH is over.

 

[MushyMushy]

I also want to add that my answer would be completely different if she hadn't left her husband.

 

[TDC Nala]

Personally I think I'd let her bring her girlfriend. Sounds like she is about to become part of the family.

Can you arrange to maybe meet the girlfriend before the holiday? Can't tell if your sister lives near you or not.

 

[NAB]

Yes I would still have her come. Maybe you can meet this person before hand so they are not so new to you then.

I like that your sister asked first , that shows me she cares about your feelings too. But really wants to spend Christmas with this other person that means a lot to her.

 

[dislaney]

I can only tell you how it would work in my family, which I know is not how it would work in others.

If my sister found happiness/love with someone else, they would be invited to Christmas dinner. It goes without saying. No matter how quickly after a divorce, who they were, ect.

This!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK, I need some advice and I don't mind hearing all points of view. I'm just afraid I'm going to get flamed, but here goes.

My only sibling sister has very recently left her DH and moved into an apartment. It was very sudden and unexpected to us all (even the husband, he says). She just called and wanted to talk about plans for family Christmas dinner. I give the family dinner at my house on Xmas Eve. It consists of my Mom, Sister's family, my family. Anyway...Sister wants to tell me she has a "very serious" new relationship with another woman and needs to know if she can bring her to our family Christmas events. If not, she will just make plans to go out of town for the holidays.

I was a little dumbfounded at the revelation of the new relationship and felt a little put on the spot at needing to commit about Christmas plans with someone I've never even met before (or even heard about).

I was fond of her DH (21 years of marraige) and the whole situation is sad and confusing. What would you do?

I would welcome the significant other to your home. Family is about love and acceptance.

Yes you may not agree with the divorce, her new relationship and whatever else comes up but look at it this way......

If you were divorced for whatever reason would you want your family to welcome you and your new life or shun you?

Now if there were abusive or dangerous/harmful extenuating circumstances, then maybe I would change my answer however with your post I say extend the invite.

 

[Hannathy]

I would say to my sister it is your life and I'm having you for Xmas who you bring is up to you. You and your family or friends are always welcome in my home. Then let her decide. Xmas is still a ways away anything could happen.

 

[LuLuO]

They would be welcome in my home.

 

[krcit]

Hmm, I don't know. I'm wondering if people would have different opinions if this was OP's brother and he wanted to bring a new girlfriend. This is a tough situation b/c I would assume her sister left her DH for this woman. I'm sure that had to be a very difficult thing to do and I believe that everyone deserves happiness however for the sister to ask that the OP have the new partner over for the holidays is maybe a bit too much too soon I don't know. My best friend recently split from her husband(mutual) and he had a new girlfriend within a few days and my friend was very hurt when he brought the new girlfriend to his sisters party a couple of months later.


I don't know. I hope that the OP's sister recognizes that this is a huge shock for all of them and gives them time to adjust.

 

[nmmom95]

I would welcome my sister and her SO. I agree with Mushy, my answer would be different if she had not left her DH.

 

[Debbie7452]

Thank you for the replies so far. She lives close enough for a meeting in advance and I suggested that to her on the phone. She only moved out of her house about a month ago, they are not divorced or even in the process, yet. So , unfortunately, it is pretty obvious this started during the marraige.

 

[Bilberry]

A similar situation has actually happened twice in my family. The relatives were not sisters of mine, one a cousin, and another an aunt by marriage. Kind of odd in that both announcements to becoming lesbians were sudden and both occurred shortly after taking anti-depressants. It's not nice to say, but joke that the sex preference change was brought about by a little known queer side effect of SSRIs.

I would invite the sister to Christmas! She is a special family member that has a new friend in her life.

 

[dicar123]

It appears that your sister was cheating on her husband and was probably less than honest about her sexuality for years. If this was another man, would you all be so quick to welcome HIM with open arms even before the divorce was final?

Make other plans for this year sis. Treat your soon-to-be ex-husband with decency and respect. After the divorce is final, I might be willing to entertain your new squeeze.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you for the replies so far. She lives close enough for a meeting in advance and I suggested that to her on the phone. She only moved out of her house about a month ago, they are not divorced or even in the process, yet. So , unfortunately, it is pretty obvious this started during the marraige.

Yea that sucks, however whether this your brother or your sister the thing is that you are the one who gets "custody" of that person during a divorce or split. Yes, there are exceptions I am sure.

I always look at it like this....someone's else's marriage is none of my business. Now if they ask for my opinion, I will give it however most of the time the person in question does not want to hear your opinion.

You do not have to like it or agree with it personally.

Heck some people stay together that should get divorced and we support that. I kind of look at it in the same vein.

 

[dicar123]

I would welcome the significant other to your home. Family is about love and acceptance.

If you were divorced for whatever reason would you want your family to welcome you and your new life or shun you?

I don't think it is my family's responsibility to accept (and therefore, encourage) whatever bad behavior I decide to dish out to people. Isn't ANYONE allowed to have limits anymore?

 

[Jennasis]

I get why she left her husband, but I am in the camp that would treat this exactly the way I would treat my sister if she had left he DH for another man.

It would be "too soon" to be parading her new partner around for the family. I would imagine the soon-to-be-ex DH is still very much a part of the family and as such deserves to be treated with dignity in this very touchy situation.

I would tell your sister, that with the suddeness of all of this, it is too soon to bring "Sue" over for Christmas dinner. the family needs time to process what has gone on and divorce proceedings haven't even been started.

However, after the holidays you'd be happy to meet sis and Sue for coffee or something.