PLEASE tell me if I was in the wrong!!

[baby1disney]

Hello everyone! I'm goin thru something right now and I need your advice on it. I thought I handled it right..but I'm now in jeporady in losing two best friends.

This happened on FB a couple of nights ago. I was having conversations with some people on my post and one of my dear friends made the sad mistake of inviting my niece(she's actually my BFF daughter..no relation) to be his friend. Problem is is that he's 30 yrs old. I know..I know..I know that he should've NEVER requested her..especially since he doesn't know her and didn't invite her mother as a friend.

Here's what happened: They started arguing and my friend called him a pedphile(sp?) and other really bad names. He started goin off on her as well saying some really mean things. I went off on the both of them..mostly because they were arguing on my page for everyone else to see who's friends with me as well.

I told my BFFs that they shouldn't have accused him or called him such names like that because they don't know him and that is a very SERIOUS accusation/name calling to call someone that you don't know. I also went off on him saying that he should've NEVER requested to be a friend with a 15yr old girl that he doesn't know their parents or her. I don't think he intended for anything other than adding another friend to his list. He has friends of all ages because of the work he does..he works with kids with problems and one way he keeps in contact with them is through FB. And YES..he does have permission from their parents. It's strictly business stuff. He even has another page seperate for that and he doesn't accept the kids' request unless their parents signed the form and the parents are on his friends list as well.

Also..my niece said that she wanted to hang out with him and go to WalMArt together and do some stupid stuff. They were talkin about people being at WalMart late night and the silly things they do. She also accepted the friendship request from him. And that's another thing: We don't know who friend requested who first. My niece says that he did and vice versa.

Here's where I want to know if I was in the wrong: I defended the both of them sayin that each of them had valid points..but also were wrong for some of the names they were callin each other. I also stated that if they had a problem with each other..they should've IMd each other or inboxed each other. My BFF is now FURIOUS with me because I didn't TOTALLY take her side. Was or AM I wrong for that???

I'm not looking for people to yell at me. I would just like to know how you would've handled it or what you would've done if your were my BFF. Thank you for your input.

SN: I've been very sick about this..vomiting..crying..etc. My BFFs now wanna end a 15 and 25-yr friendship over this. They're husband and wife and I've known the wife for 25yrs. Am I not seeing something? Should I have not said anything on the situation??

 

[Cherinva]

You are in a really tight spot, and believe me I feel for you. I don't think I would have handled it any better.....they shouldn't have been name calling on your page...and since you are friends with both of them, they need to respect that friendship....my advice is to give it a little time and give each of them time to cool down...then talk to them and try to work things out.

This is the bad thing about facebook.....I admit I have a LOT of friends on FB that I don't know...most of them are DISers...to play games and such....but I'm an adult...

My best wishes to you and I hope this all works out without anyone losing any friends.

 

[suchthe]

That just sucks! Hopefully once everyone cools off a little they'll realize what a crappy situation they both put you in.

You definitely did nothing wrong. In fact if I were you I'd be pretty mad at the 2 of them.

 

[BriarRosie]

The way I see it, the responsibility should have fallen on the 30 year old man. If he sent the request, it was not appropriate. If he accepted a request, it was still not appropriate unless he messaged her parents.

And the business about going to Wal-Mart? That seems strange to me, even though you feel he's a stand up guy. The responsibility should fall on the ADULT in the situation, so I think you need to side with your BFF.

15 year old girls should not be accepting random friend requests from unknown adults anyway. It's a red flag. I wanted to add it's not your fault if this took place without your knowledge. All you can do is support your friend.

 

[mommy2allgirls]

I think you did good. I have to be honest and say the walmart thing seems strange and creeps me out

 

[parrotheadlois]

I think I might "unfriend" them both for a while so the situation can cool off and so it doesn't come back to be on your wall again. If you have the ability, remove the conversations that were on your wall. Maybe pm the guy and explain that it looks inappropriate for him to be friends with your niece and you think he should "unfriend" her. The adults should take charge. Meeting at WalMart - what is he thinking if he's going along with that idea.

 

[disneym2m]

I am so sorry you have to go through something like this. It is not fun being in between two people who are arguing.

But know this, you had a right to stop the both of them from arguing on your FB wall page. You also have the right to let your opinion be known, just like they had a right to share their opinion.

In today's times, it is sometimes hard to know who to trust and who not to trust. Your friend was protecting her daughter and your male friend was defending himself. But there is something that doesn't seem right about this situation. If your male friend requires permission from parents before he befriended any teenager on FB, why wasn't this one the same way? Something is missing from this story. Now I am not trying to read into this situation but think of it this way, if something bad had happened to the girl, you would have felt even worse that you didn't say anything.

Wait a few days, then try to talk to your friends and let them know your side of the story.

I hope all works out okay.....

 

[baby1disney]

But there is something that doesn't seem right about this situation. If your male friend requires permission from parents before he befriended any teenager on FB, why wasn't this one the same way?

Something is missing from this story. Now I am not trying to read into this situation but think of it this way, if something bad had happened to the girl, you would have felt even worse that you didn't say anything.

Wait a few days, then try to talk to your friends and let them know your side of the story.

I hope all works out okay.....

My friend works with children who have problems..drug addicts..alcoholics..abuse..etc. He keeps in contact with them thru FB sometimes. The reason it wasn't the same for this situation is because this was a personal thing and it was on my page..my friends/niece thru me. He didn't "know" her until she came on my page and started to have conversations with everyone.

Thanks everyone for your input so far. I'm still really upset bout it..but I'm sure it'll pass over soon

 

[cm8]

Hello everyone! I'm goin thru something right now and I need your advice on it. I thought I handled it right..but I'm now in jeporady in losing two best friends.

This happened on FB a couple of nights ago. I was having conversations with some people on my post and one of my dear friends made the sad mistake of inviting my niece(she's actually my BFF daughter..no relation) to be his friend. Problem is is that he's 30 yrs old. I know..I know..I know that he should've NEVER requested her..especially since he doesn't know her and didn't invite her mother as a friend.

Here's what happened: They started arguing and my friend called him a pedphile(sp?) and other really bad names. He started goin off on her as well saying some really mean things. I went off on the both of them..mostly because they were arguing on my page for everyone else to see who's friends with me as well.

I told my BFFs that they shouldn't have accused him or called him such names like that because they don't know him and that is a very SERIOUS accusation/name calling to call someone that you don't know. I also went off on him saying that he should've NEVER requested to be a friend with a 15yr old girl that he doesn't know their parents or her. I don't think he intended for anything other than adding another friend to his list. He has friends of all ages because of the work he does..he works with kids with problems and one way he keeps in contact with them is through FB. And YES..he does have permission from their parents. It's strictly business stuff. He even has another page seperate for that and he doesn't accept the kids' request unless their parents signed the form and the parents are on his friends list as well.

Also..my niece said that she wanted to hang out with him and go to WalMArt together and do some stupid stuff. They were talkin about people being at WalMart late night and the silly things they do. She also accepted the friendship request from him. And that's another thing: We don't know who friend requested who first. My niece says that he did and vice versa.

Here's where I want to know if I was in the wrong: I defended the both of them sayin that each of them had valid points..but also were wrong for some of the names they were callin each other. I also stated that if they had a problem with each other..they should've IMd each other or inboxed each other. My BFF is now FURIOUS with me because I didn't TOTALLY take her side. Was or AM I wrong for that???

I'm not looking for people to yell at me. I would just like to know how you would've handled it or what you would've done if your were my BFF. Thank you for your input.

SN: I've been very sick about this..vomiting..crying..etc. My BFFs now wanna end a 15 and 25-yr friendship over this. They're husband and wife and I've known the wife for 25yrs. Am I not seeing something? Should I have not said anything on the situation??

Just give the issue a few days to die down and then go from there. No one should ever be accused of being something they are not. reputations are hard to repair once broken. They should have watched what was being said,, bottom line now it is out for all to see unless you delete it from your page. Don't let it get to you, give it some time, things will fall into place

 

[kaligal]

The best thing to do when other people are fighting is to stay out of it. When other people ask you about it, state that you don't know any more than they do.

If they're dragging you into it, insist that they stop. "I'm not getting in the middle of this" is a line you should learn well.

If they're doing it on your facebook page after you told them to cut it out, delete them as friends on facebook until it blows over. "I told you I didn't want to be involved."

I'm not into facebook, but can't you delete things you don't want on your page?

Anyway, staying out of things is always a good idea. "I hear you" is a nice non-committal phrase. It can mean that you agree or that you don't. People tend to take it well.

Good luck.

 

[fengbao]

Hello everyone! I'm goin thru something right now and I need your advice on it. I thought I handled it right..but I'm now in jeporady in losing two best friends.

This happened on FB a couple of nights ago. I was having conversations with some people on my post and one of my dear friends made the sad mistake of inviting my niece(she's actually my BFF daughter..no relation) to be his friend. Problem is is that he's 30 yrs old. I know..I know..I know that he should've NEVER requested her..especially since he doesn't know her and didn't invite her mother as a friend.

Here's what happened: They started arguing and my friend called him a pedphile(sp?) and other really bad names. He started goin off on her as well saying some really mean things. I went off on the both of them..mostly because they were arguing on my page for everyone else to see who's friends with me as well.

I told my BFFs that they shouldn't have accused him or called him such names like that because they don't know him and that is a very SERIOUS accusation/name calling to call someone that you don't know. I also went off on him saying that he should've NEVER requested to be a friend with a 15yr old girl that he doesn't know their parents or her. I don't think he intended for anything other than adding another friend to his list. He has friends of all ages because of the work he does..he works with kids with problems and one way he keeps in contact with them is through FB. And YES..he does have permission from their parents. It's strictly business stuff. He even has another page seperate for that and he doesn't accept the kids' request unless their parents signed the form and the parents are on his friends list as well.

Also..my niece said that she wanted to hang out with him and go to WalMArt together and do some stupid stuff. They were talkin about people being at WalMart late night and the silly things they do. She also accepted the friendship request from him. And that's another thing: We don't know who friend requested who first. My niece says that he did and vice versa.

Here's where I want to know if I was in the wrong: I defended the both of them sayin that each of them had valid points..but also were wrong for some of the names they were callin each other. I also stated that if they had a problem with each other..they should've IMd each other or inboxed each other. My BFF is now FURIOUS with me because I didn't TOTALLY take her side. Was or AM I wrong for that???

I'm not looking for people to yell at me. I would just like to know how you would've handled it or what you would've done if your were my BFF. Thank you for your input.

SN: I've been very sick about this..vomiting..crying..etc. My BFFs now wanna end a 15 and 25-yr friendship over this. They're husband and wife and I've known the wife for 25yrs. Am I not seeing something? Should I have not said anything on the situation??

Wait a few days, then try to talk to your friends and let them know your side of the story.
My best wishes to you and I hope this all works out without anyone losing any friends.

 

[fengbao]

I am so sorry you have to go through something like this. It is not fun being in between two people who are arguing.

But know this, you had a right to stop the both of them from arguing on your FB wall page. You also have the right to let your opinion be known, just like they had a right to share their opinion.

In today's times, it is sometimes hard to know who to trust and who not to trust. Your friend was protecting her daughter and your male friend was defending himself. But there is something that doesn't seem right about this situation. If your male friend requires permission from parents before he befriended any teenager on FB, why wasn't this one the same way? Something is missing from this story. Now I am not trying to read into this situation but think of it this way, if something bad had happened to the girl, you would have felt even worse that you didn't say anything.

Wait a few days, then try to talk to your friends and let them know your side of the story.

I hope all works out okay.....

Don't let yesterday use up too much today.

 

[fengbao]

My friend works with children who have problems..drug addicts..alcoholics..abuse..etc. He keeps in contact with them thru FB sometimes. The reason it wasn't the same for this situation is because this was a personal thing and it was on my page..my friends/niece thru me. He didn't "know" her until she came on my page and started to have conversations with everyone.

Thanks everyone for your input so far. I'm still really upset bout it..but I'm sure it'll pass over soon

I hope all works out ok .Best wishes to you!

 

[baby1disney]

Thank you everyone for the comments and comfort. I have deleted the comments/posts off of my page. I left in their hands to delete me since they initated(sp?)it.

It's funny how people can turn things around in their favor vs the people who tell the truth..especially when the person telling the stroy admits their wrong doings as well.

I went to her page and all she said was that some 30yr man friend requested her daughter out of nowhere!! I wanted to say something soooooo bad..but then I just thought that I would be a hyprocrit and doin the same thing on her page. I just left it alone and shook my head

Oh well..I guess it's a lesson learned. Some people you can explain things to and they'll see every side..others just refuse to.

Oh and the PP who said don't let it ruin my day..I DIDN'T!!! I know deep down in my heart I did nothing wrong and really don't have anything to apologize for..so why should I be angry over something that I can't control?? SO..I decided that I'm not gonna worry bout it anymore and if they try to talk to me about it again..I'm just gonna let them know that it's over and done with and I don't wanna talk about it anymore!!

 

[Cherinva]

Oh and the PP who said don't let it ruin my day..I DIDN'T!!!


Good for you !!!

 

[soupy11]

Well since you asked....here goes.

Your friend has every right to be upset and to have her hackles raised. This is a very delicate situation and I (total outsider) have my suspicions of your 30 year old friend chatting with a 15 year old girl on the net....especially about hooking up in real life. Do you not watch the news? Something not right about this guy doing something like that.

Again, just an outsider's opinion of the facts as stated.

 

[robinb]

So ... your 30-year old friend and your niece both commented on your wall while you were talking about late-night at Wal*Mart and "met" that way? Then one asked the other to be a "friend" and the other accepted. Did your friend know your niece was only 15 years old? If so, your friend should have been aware of the appearances of impropriety ... especially since he works with kids. My guess is the girl thought he was "safe" because he was your real friend and Facebook often offers you the opportunity to add "friends of friends" and it looks similar to a regular friend request. Perhaps the girl clicked on that and thought it was from your oter friend. I almost added a friend's teen son that way ... I thought he had requested for me to be a friend so he could play Farmville with me.

The good news is that this blow-up has given your friends a platform to establish better ground rules for their DD's FB use. It has also slapped your other friend back into reality.

 

[baby1disney]

Well since you asked....here goes.

Your friend has every right to be upset and to have her hackles raised. This is a very delicate situation and I (total outsider) have my suspicions of your 30 year old friend chatting with a 15 year old girl on the net....especially about hooking up in real life. Do you not watch the news? Something not right about this guy doing something like that.

Again, just an outsider's opinion of the facts as stated.

I totally understand that my friend had every right to be upset as would I. I'm not mad over that. I'm mad because of the accusations and name calling she was saying about him that weren't true. As far as the hooking up part..MY NIECE is the one who said about them hooking up first..he never agreed to it. And as far as who requested who..that we/I'm not sure of..

So ... your 30-year old friend and your niece both commented on your wall while you were talking about late-night at Wal*Mart and "met" that way? Then one asked the other to be a "friend" and the other accepted. Did your friend know your niece was only 15 years old? If so, your friend should have been aware of the appearances of impropriety ... especially since he works with kids. My guess is the girl thought he was "safe" because he was your real friend and Facebook often offers you the opportunity to add "friends of friends" and it looks similar to a regular friend request. Perhaps the girl clicked on that and thought it was from your oter friend. I almost added a friend's teen son that way ... I thought he had requested for me to be a friend so he could play Farmville with me.

The good news is that this blow-up has given your friends a platform to establish better ground rules for their DD's FB use. It has also slapped your other friend back into reality.

I can't remember if he knew that because I have deleted the post/comments about it. When my friend asked him to remove her..he did and said that he was sorry..he didn't think it would be a big deal because my other friend knew what kind of job he does and thought she wouldn't care. I don't think he even looked at it that way. He apologized over and over but my friend wouldn't hear of it. It's just a situation that could've been handled better..by the BOTH of them...

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

So ... your 30-year old friend and your niece both commented on your wall while you were talking about late-night at Wal*Mart and "met" that way? Then one asked the other to be a "friend" and the other accepted. Did your friend know your niece was only 15 years old? If so, your friend should have been aware of the appearances of impropriety ... especially since he works with kids. My guess is the girl thought he was "safe" because he was your real friend and Facebook often offers you the opportunity to add "friends of friends" and it looks similar to a regular friend request. Perhaps the girl clicked on that and thought it was from your oter friend. I almost added a friend's teen son that way ... I thought he had requested for me to be a friend so he could play Farmville with me.

The good news is that this blow-up has given your friends a platform to establish better ground rules for their DD's FB use. It has also slapped your other friend back into reality.

I was going to say the same thing about that friend of friends thing. When I first started on FB (not that long ago) I thought that was a friend request. haha

Honestly befriending on fb in itself is not "pedophile" worthy and not a big deal at all. I'm a grown woman and I have friends my kids ages on my fb -some of them I don't even know (but my kids do or if they were a "pseudo-niece" of a BFF of mine they might end up on friends list too. If I saw them posting on BFF's fb or something. I'm not big on adding friends I don't know though...... although I know of many people who add friends just to have a ton of friends. Youngsters are like that a lot, but adults as well. There are a lot of kids on my fb that are there solely because they are on my kids' FB and I want to be able to see what my kids post on THEIR fb- some of them I don't really know them and don't have their parents on my fb either! Doesn't make me a pedophile)

Now I don't know about that talking about meeting at Walmart stuff... so since I don't understand that completely I won't speak about that. But simply befriending someone on FB doesn't mean something untoward is going on by itself.

I don't think you did anything wrong- as it seems one friend wants you to only take their side and like dump the other friend over this? all they have to do is just unfriend the person.... that's their child, their responsibility. They should be taking that up with their child- to either not friend people on FB that they shouldn't AND/OR not accept friend requests either. How this is your responsibility to take their side is beyond me. It seems like they are just all up in arms that he would even friend her (or accept friend request) and like that automatically makes him suspect... they should be talking to their child about it. That's my opinion. If situation happened like that with my child- I'd talk to child. It has happened! And I have talked to teen about it! Turned out my teen thought the elderly guy was the grandfather of my son's best friend- looked like him in the photo so she just accepted the friend request... not realizing it was some guy from germany and NOT son's friend's grandfather. I simply had her delete him off friends list and had a talk with her about being more choosy/selective which friends she accepts. Personally that's where the issue is.... shouldn't matter if adults are asking to be her friend, the teen needs to know NOT to accept! Getting mad at the friend of the person they feel shouldn't be on their child's friends list is silly, IMO. It's displaced anger, IMO.

 

[basketlacey]

I don't think you are wrong asking your friends to take their argument away from your page. But I totally understand why your BFF freaked out. I gotta tell you - from an outsider's perspective, it doesn't sound so innocent. The fact that your other friend works with kids should be even more reason that he is super careful about this type situation. I see why your BFF wants you to take her side. I think it might go along way if you talk to the other friend about how what he did was irresponsible and ask him not to friend any other kids off your list.