Please help - Wedding Crisis

[DisneyElite4]

I recently got engaged, and my DF and I have been excitedly planning our DFTW for June 2009. We have always known that we wanted to do a Disney wedding, as it holds so much meaning to us and our families. (We met there, he proposed to me there.) We had told our parents months before the engagement that we would be doing a Disney wedding. His parents responded with enthusiasm and joy. My parents, namely my mother, responded with anger and outrage.

As the months passed, I stood my ground. I told my mother we both wanted a Disney wedding, and tried to show her how wonderful and special it would be. She slowly seemed to come around, and all was well. Until the night I actually got engaged. What should be the happiest time in my life has turned into a complete nightmare!

I called DFTW the Monday after our engagement and started the planning process. I have not been able to have one phone conversation with my mother since then that has ended pleasantly. Normally we are very close and get along quite well. Needless to say, she is so disappointed in me and my “bad decision”, that she says very hurtful things to me each time we are on the phone. Almost every conversation ends in tears. She tells me how having a Disney wedding is a bad idea, nobody will come, its too expensive, she wants me to have it in my hometown so she can show-off to all of her friends – the whole thing is about her and her feelings. I try to veer away from these topics, but she always manages to land on them. Recently she has started making hurtful comments about my DF and his family. I am to the point where I don’t even want to get married anymore, because the whole process has been so painful and sad. I never thought it would be like this!

Has anyone else gone through this? Does anyone have any tips on what I should do? I feel torn between the desire to please my mother and maintain our relationship, which is very special to me, and the desire to have my dream wedding and marry my perfect guy. Please help!

 

[alissa2008]

Facing attitudes like that, it may be best to consider your DFTW an "elopement"... do you think having an at home reception would help curb your moms frustration that she can't "show you off?"

Explain that it is YOUR wedding and if you have to run away in secret, you will -- I'm sure your mother would rather be a part of your disney day then no part at all!

 

[DisneyElite4]

Thank you for the encouragement and advice Alissa2008! Planning a wedding has brought out a very emotional side of me. I guess I always imagined that when I got engaged my parents would be thrilled, and ready to go along with whatever I had planned. Unfortunately, my mom cares way too much about other people’s opinions, and all that matters to her is that her daughter is married at home where everyone she’s ever known can be there and make a big deal out of it. She is using every guilt trip known to man to get me to concede and have my wedding in my hometown. Not happening!!

I think the best thing for me to do is keep some distance from her for awhile. As much as I want to involve her in the planning process, it’s really hard to listen to her complain about everything I’m doing each day.

 

[Lindsay22]

I think a lot of us face this problem with our mothers. They desperately want us to get married, but then they want us to do it their way. Wait a few weeks and then sit down with your mother and explain. Tell her that you are having a DFTW whether she likes it or not. Explain that she already had her wedding, and now it's your turn. Ask her why it is so important that you get married at home. When she says "no one will come" ask her who she thinks won't come.
Then, if she still won't budge, ask about having a reception at home. A lot of girls do this and still wear their dresses and everything.
Is Dad in the picture? Put him on this too!

 

[DisneyElite4]

That is probably exactly what I will do - thank you! My dad is in the picture, but he is trying to please us both and doesn't want to get in the middle of things. They will be down here next month to do a site visit, I'm really hoping things will have cooled down a little bit by then. And if not, my sister will be with them and she's great at keeping my mom grounded.

Now that I'm on here I need to start a PJ and post on other Bride's PJs.

 

[alissa2008]

That is probably exactly what I will do - thank you! My dad is in the picture, but he is trying to please us both and doesn't want to get in the middle of things. They will be down here next month to do a site visit, I'm really hoping things will have cooled down a little bit by then. And if not, my sister will be with them and she's great at keeping my mom grounded.

Now that I'm on here I need to start a PJ and post on other Bride's PJs.

It might be a good idea, after things settle, to show your mom the boards and some TRs and SHOW her how beautiful your wedding will be...

 

[IndyBride]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I think that weddings and engagements are something people have a lot of expectations about. You've been thinking about your own wedding and what it would be like for a while. Your mother has been dreaming about it since the day you were born. I hope she is just in some sort of shock that it isn't happening how she thought it would happen. Hopefully she will readjust her thinking before it is too late.

 

[Cosi Bella]

I recently got engaged, and my DF and I have been excitedly planning our DFTW for June 2009. We have always known that we wanted to do a Disney wedding, as it holds so much meaning to us and our families. (We met there, he proposed to me there.) We had told our parents months before the engagement that we would be doing a Disney wedding. His parents responded with enthusiasm and joy. My parents, namely my mother, responded with anger and outrage.

As the months passed, I stood my ground. I told my mother we both wanted a Disney wedding, and tried to show her how wonderful and special it would be. She slowly seemed to come around, and all was well. Until the night I actually got engaged. What should be the happiest time in my life has turned into a complete nightmare!

I called DFTW the Monday after our engagement and started the planning process. I have not been able to have one phone conversation with my mother since then that has ended pleasantly. Normally we are very close and get along quite well. Needless to say, she is so disappointed in me and my “bad decision”, that she says very hurtful things to me each time we are on the phone. Almost every conversation ends in tears. She tells me how having a Disney wedding is a bad idea, nobody will come, its too expensive, she wants me to have it in my hometown so she can show-off to all of her friends – the whole thing is about her and her feelings. I try to veer away from these topics, but she always manages to land on them. Recently she has started making hurtful comments about my DF and his family. I am to the point where I don’t even want to get married anymore, because the whole process has been so painful and sad. I never thought it would be like this!

Has anyone else gone through this? Does anyone have any tips on what I should do? I feel torn between the desire to please my mother and maintain our relationship, which is very special to me, and the desire to have my dream wedding and marry my perfect guy. Please help!

OMG honey, I KNOW how you are feeling right now!!! But please believe me when I say that eventually everything works out for the best!

Not to get into too much detail, but when DF and I announced to our families that we were going to do a Disney wedding, my family embraced our news with excitement and encouragement! DF's family was not so supportive. They also said hurtful things behind my back, they tried many times to deter us from our dream. In the end we stood our ground, and I think slowly... VERY slowly, they are starting to realize that nothing they say, and nothing they do can change our minds. I was in tears about it and felt so hurt and betrayed by a family I once considered my very own! They wouldn't talk to me about the wedding, no one showed any interest in it at all, and anytime the topic was brought up, everyone acted awkward and uncomfortable. Finally! after months of this, his side has started to come around. I really love his family, and I know that people are who they are, and I can't really do anything about that. They will be my family and I am trying to be understanding to their feelings and why they were acting the way they were.

At the end of the day, the only thing that mattered is what DF and I wanted, and nothing else! I really think you should stick to your guns, and do what you guys really want to do! Don't have a wedding that is someone else's dream. If you do, I'm afraid you'll regret it for the rest of your life! This is such a difficult situation to be in, and I feel your pain! But it will get better, I really do promise that! I think the best thing you can do is just talk to your mom and tell her how important this is to you guys!

Good luck, and keep us posted on how everything goes!!!

 

[DisneyElite4]

Wow, thanks everyone! All of the girls on this board are so nice! I was really feeling quite despondent when I posted my original message, and I am already feeling better after reading all of your responses. All of my best friends and my sister live in other states, which makes it hard to vent. At the same time, while all of my friends and family are very supportive of my Disney wedding (other then mom), they don't really understand the issues I'm dealing with right now. And my poor DF has to hear about it on a daily basis!

We are definitely doing the Disney wedding no matter what, as my parents have agreed to pay for it. I'm going to continue planning this wedding, and hope and pray that my mom comes around. For now though, our conversations are going to be put on hold.

I would like to get a PJ going sometime this week, and visit all of yours as well. Once I get it up, I'll post any updates on where the mother issue is also. Thank you all for your kind words!

 

[littlelulu33]

DO THE DISNEY WEDDING OR YOU WILL ALWAYS WISH THAT YOU DID!!!
I have been married for 11 years and I still wish that I did not try to make DH parents happy. My DH was in the Navy when we were engaged and I was left to most of the planning. DH and I talked about a Disney wedding and he said if that is what you want then lets have a Disney wedding. Well after I talked with Disney and started looking at what I wanted. I told DH's parents who I did not know that well because of DH and I's long distance relationship. We dated for almost over 2 years before we were engaged, but DH only came home a couple of times a year. Anyway they told me that they would not come to a wedding at Disney. I was crushed, but I wanted my DH's parents at the wedding so I changed my plans and had a wedding here in MI. The thing that got me was they moved from MI to TN before the wedding so they still had to travel, but what it was if I had a Disney wedding it was only going to be family about 50 people total and my home wedding was about 200 people. DH's mom wanted all her friends there. I told her several times that I only wanted people there that DH or I knew. Well that did not happen she envited everybody she knows, in the receving line DH and I would look at each other and say who was that?
Our wedding was very nice and went well, but I so wish that I would have went with a Disney wedding and now after 10 years DH admits to me that his parents would have come they just wanted it their way. (even if they did not pay for it)

 

[BayouPrincess]

Wow, thanks everyone! All of the girls on this board are so nice! I was really feeling quite despondent when I posted my original message, and I am already feeling better after reading all of your responses. All of my best friends and my sister live in other states, which makes it hard to vent. At the same time, while all of my friends and family are very supportive of my Disney wedding (other then mom), they don't really understand the issues I'm dealing with right now. And my poor DF has to hear about it on a daily basis!

We are definitely doing the Disney wedding no matter what, as my parents have agreed to pay for it. I'm going to continue planning this wedding, and hope and pray that my mom comes around. For now though, our conversations are going to be put on hold.

I would like to get a PJ going sometime this week, and visit all of yours as well. Once I get it up, I'll post any updates on where the mother issue is also. Thank you all for your kind words!

I say stick to your guns on the Disney Wedding! If you and your DF are agreed on it, then that's the way to go! I can't imagine making my daughter feel bad about where she wants to have her wedding. I have a feeling at my house we will be travelling to Disney for Celebrations of the wedding variety. I am having a VR this November and my daughter is "talking" about when it's her turn having a wedding at the Italy pavilion. She's 19.

DO THE DISNEY WEDDING OR YOU WILL ALWAYS WISH THAT YOU DID!!!
I have been married for 11 years and I still wish that I did not try to make DH parents happy. My DH was in the Navy when we were engaged and I was left to most of the planning. DH and I talked about a Disney wedding and he said if that is what you want then lets have a Disney wedding. Well after I talked with Disney and started looking at what I wanted. I told DH's parents who I did not know that well because of DH and I's long distance relationship. We dated for almost over 2 years before we were engaged, but DH only came home a couple of times a year. Anyway they told me that they would not come to a wedding at Disney. I was crushed, but I wanted my DH's parents at the wedding so I changed my plans and had a wedding here in MI. The thing that got me was they moved from MI to TN before the wedding so they still had to travel, but what it was if I had a Disney wedding it was only going to be family about 50 people total and my home wedding was about 200 people. DH's mom wanted all her friends there. I told her several times that I only wanted people there that DH or I knew. Well that did not happen she envited everybody she knows, in the receving line DH and I would look at each other and say who was that?
Our wedding was very nice and went well, but I so wish that I would have went with a Disney wedding and now after 10 years DH admits to me that his parents would have come they just wanted it their way. (even if they did not pay for it)

Lulu...it sounds like its time to plan a VR at Disney! We have had the best time planning ours!

 

[Lynn5700]

We all have to deal with this crap..It's so annoying!!!! Do what you want,it's so not worth to let them get to you...I would be hurt if my mom was like that though so I understand it is hard to just get over it. Seriously do what you want though....I do not regret having my wedding in Disney one bit...If i could trade that for a big grand beautiful wedding at home where I had 200 people come I would not do it..

Good luck with everything...your mom will get over it,you are her daughter and she will do the right thing in the long run and support you!

 

[Chilly]

Wishing you lots of luck in sorting this out with your Mum. Maybe you could try writing her a letter so that it can't end in an arguement explaining how much she is hurting you. Also perhaps if she does start saying bad things on the phone say to her I will hang up if you contunue and if she does just hang up, don't listen to the hurtful things she says, planning your wedding should be magical, don't let her spoil that.

My Mum and Step-Dad know our plan to marry at Disney and are very pleased. We have yet to tell my Dad and the future in-laws and I don't think they are going to take it well but nothing will make me change my mind.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I have too many things I've missed out on in life to add a Disney Wedding to that list. Despite the family and friends that think it's silly/childish or heathenish to not have a Catholic wedding, we are doing it. I am not going to have something else to always look back on with regret.

My mom was a hard sell, so I know a little of how you feel.

Just tell her this is your dream, your wedding and what will make you happy. Your wedding is NOT for her or her friends. Tell her you always imagined her having a part in planning the wedding of your dreams, not trying to stop it from happening. If it really gets into it and she's talking about her high school friend Suzie and her bingo buddy Ethel not being able to go, ask her whose happiness is more important to her- yours or Ethel's. Try talking it out nicely and lovingly at first, but sometimes, you need to get the real deal out there and remind her what it's really about. Remind her she already had her wedding and if she wants a big party her way, tell her to plan her own VR and you will help do it exactly the way SHE likes just like she should be doing for you now.

 

[disneypolybride2008]

I'm going through a similar situation only my side of the family is excited and he hasnt told his side. He thinks they will be very angry and not speak to him for having a wedding far away where they cant go. It's great that you are sticking to your decision. Me too! He wanted to ask them what they thought about it before we reserved it. Then he chickened out. I told him so what if they say no, they couldnt go, would you tell us no and do what they want? I'm not letting them decide! So we booked it and he has yet to say anything. Maybe it would be better to not say anything? (like eloping) Even though my side of the family will be there. We're the ones paying every penny, and it's about me and him, not anyone else. Good luck.

 

[pixiemama3]

I agree about letting her cool and she will come around. You stick toyour planning and have a geat time doing it ..

 

[JonetteA]

You know in the end the wedding is about you and your husband. My dad was personally not thrilled at all. He asked if Mickey Mouse was going to marry us. To give you background my dad and brother think that Disney is the evil empire.

We invited my Dad and stepmom to our planning session. I think that once they saw the quality that goes into the even they don't feel like it is just a weird thing.

The other thing I finally had to tell my dad is that we are doing this you either come or don't come that is up to you. I would love for you to be there but it has to be your choice.

After our wedding was over and to this dad my dad still remarks at how amazing our Disney wedding was and what a great thing it was!

Hang in there and stick together. Think about having an at home reception to give a "compromise". Don't compromise on your dream to make others happy. This is about YOU! Your mom will come around. She will know how important this is for you. The WP are great about working with moms to make them comfortable. Really iterate to her how important this is to you.

Also know that more people than you would expect would come to a Disney wedding. They normally have a higher acceptance rate than at home weddings.

 

[DisneyElite4]

Thank you so much for all of your great advice and encouragement! Some of your responses brought a huge smile to my face!

After I posted the original message, I decided it was time to lay it all out for my mother. I called her on the phone the next day, and very calmly and kindly told her that I was doing a Disney wedding no matter what, that this is what my DF and I wanted, and that’s that. I also told her I very much want her to be a part of it, but that I won’t tolerate any more complaining, guilt-tripping, whining, or mean comments from her. She did not handle it terribly well, and since then she has continued to attempt to make me feel bad about the wedding. It got so bad this weekend that DF insisted I turn off my phone and not talk to her for awhile.

I haven’t spoken to her since Saturday (which is awhile for us), and have since been talking to just those who are excited about this wedding and have nice things to say. My dad and I have been busy working out how we will keep the cost and guest list down together, as this is where most of the problems with my mom lie. (Not only does she want to invite our entire hometown, but she also wants to spend an exorbitant amount of money that my dad doesn’t have, especially in this economy.) In short, the situation itself hasn’t gotten any better, but how I am dealing with it has! I am choosing to not let it make me upset, and that is helping tremendously.

We have two site visits coming up this summer. (We live in Orlando.) The first one will be at the end of a long weekend with my parents, my aunt, my sister and my niece. I am really hoping that this goes well, especially since we will be going dress shopping during the weekend. My mom does a lot better when there are other sane, level-headed adult women around her. The site visit will just be my parents, me and DF – I am bracing myself for my mom to claim all our sites as terrible and complain about the cost. (This is her way of trying to get me to have the wedding in our hometown – she claims everything is too expensive so that I will give in. But at the same time, she wants to spend a lot of money and have all of the little extras! ) But I am also desperately praying that it will go smoothly and my mom will begin to see how beautiful and special it will be, even if there aren’t 300 people there!

The second site visit will be a blast, as it will be me and DF and his parents, who are awesome. I am not worried a bit about this one, as I know they are so excited and have no complaints over any of our decisions. So this one will be my treat to look forward to if I can make it through the first one! Hopefully we will be paying our deposit and signing our contract at the first visit, once I have all of my room blocks filled out.

I just wanted to give everyone an update, and thank all of you so much for listening and offering advice! I plan to start a PJ very soon, so be on the lookout!

 

[disneyberry]

I'm a bit late replying to this thread, but just wanted to reiterate that this is *your* wedding, *your* day, and if your dream is to have a Disney wedding, then that's what you should do.

I had a similar situation where I had to put my foot down and emphasize that a Disney wedding is what I wanted, and nothing my mom could say could change my mind. My compromise with her was to let her throw a big hometown reception where she can invite all her friends and show off.

The sad thing is, ever since I've been getting more into the nitty gritty of planning my wedding, it's becoming more and more clear that my mom cares more about the hometown reception than the wedding. :\ Oh well.

I think she'll still love the wedding in Disney though, because I feel she's at her best when she's not worrying too much about showing off to other people, and the wedding will be pretty small (just close family and all the friends are mostly mine and my fiance's friends), so she'll actually get to relax and enjoy the experience more.

 

[IndyBride]

I'm really glad that you feel better about the way you are handling the situation. That will definatly make the engagement period more fun for you! Please keep us posted on the details of your wedding.