Please help me not feel guilty about breaking off 3 year relationship.(long)

[shelle94]

After almost 3 years of being with my boyfriend I decided to end it. I'm so mentally tired. I feel like I've been taking care of him. I don't feel like he has been an equal partner. He just isn't going to grow up and be responsible. His mother likes him this way and does everything she can to keep him like this. So now he is moving home to live with her again. I feel really bad for him because she is NUTS and I would never want to subject any person to that kind of torture. He doesn't see her this way of course.

I don't hate him or anything. I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I feel like in the process of taking care of him I forgot to take care of me. Anybody ever feel like that? I don't blame him for this either. I know I'm just a control freak and I let things get the way they are. I put alot of blame on myself. I told him this morning how I feel AGAIN and he said, "Well, I just wish you would make a decision." I told him that he just made it for me. There was no, "Oh we can work it out" or "We'll talk about it when I get home from work." No, it was make a decision. Either live with things the way they are or don't.

I made the only decision I could make. But I feel horrible. I keep thinking that I should have realized before we moved in together how he was and shouldn't have expected things to be better. And I also feel like he has nothing now. All he moved in with was a computer desk and a tv. Everything else was mine...even the car. So now he is left with nothing. I've been thinking about giving him all of our savings even though it was pretty much only me saving money. Rationally I know that there is no way I could have predicted the future and I didn't force him into anything he didn't want to do. He made his own decisions. I also realize that I have things because I worked hard and saved for them while he was blowing his money on whatever. Is this a personality disorder or something? I took care of him for 3 years, went just about crazy, broke up with him and I'm still obsessing over how he will take care of himself. I also feel bad because after I broke it off I felt better...like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. How awful is that? He's miserable and I feel better.

How can I make myself stop this? I'm not saying I don't want to ever think about him again, because I do care for him. But I broke it off so I wouldn't have to take care of him anymore and I'm still doing it! Or trying to. Is there a support group for this?

Anyway, thanks for listening to me.

Michelle

 

[aahmom1]

It's a good thing you realized that he's not going to grow up before you married him, thank your lucky stars. You could have made the mistake of waiting andm then having kids, and you would have other things to deal with. Be happy, and move on. There's somebody out there for you.

As for this

I've been thinking about giving him all of our savings even though it was pretty much only me saving money.

That would be a mistake, give him what you think is his, if any. If you give him your money, you're still taking care of him, and he'll never be forced to grow up.

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

If you feel the weight lifted then it was the right thing to do and of course your going to think about him, you spent 3 years together whether they were good or bad years, they were years together!!!

Good Luck to you and don't feel to bad about it, it could have been worse!!!

 

[apagano]

He's not left with nothing. He has his mother, whom he apparently respects more than you. It's not like you threw him out on the street. He's going to have to learn to fend for himself on his own time, not yours.

It looks like you did the right thing. Keep your chin up and be proud of yourself!

 

[jamsmom]

First, let me commend you! That is such a tough decision to make. I was engaged and living with someone and had to make the same choice 10-11 years ago.

Don't be an enabler by giving him all the savings. Give what you feel may be fair, but don't slide back into the situation.

It takes time and it can be hard at times....even when the weight has been lifted off.

Again, I am proud that you made the decision on what was best for YOU!!!

 

[shelle94]

Thank you for all of your support... it means a lot. He gets out of work in an hour and I don't know if I should be here or not. I don't want to make things any more difficult for him so on one hand I think I should leave for a few hours. On the other hand I don't want him to get mad and start destroying my things either. I don't want to think he would do that...but who knows what kind of mood he is in...and who knows what his mom has said to him. She likes to get him all riled up and I wouldn't put it past her to convince him to do something like that. And if she comes over with him I could find all of my stuff gone by the time I get back. She is the type of person to just take it all and sell it. So maybe I should stay. I just want all of this to be over so I can sit back and lick my wounds I guess. I have decided to give him half of the savings...it's not much anyway. I hope he just hands over the keys so I don't have to ask for them. I plan on changing the lock on the door, but he also has a key to my car. That kind of worries me. His mom could make a copy. She could have already made a copy and I wouldn't know.

How did I get in this mess anyway?

 

[Baboo]

I think that if I were you, I'd have his stuff packed and ready to go when he gets there, and I sure as heck wouldn't leave my home open to possible destruction. I think that you're being more than fair by giving him half of the savings if you've done most of the savings. Remain calm when he gets there but don't let him worm his way back in. You need to be strong for yourself for a change. It's time to take care of YOU! Good luck and {{{HUGS}}} for you. I know that it's really hard for you right now.

 

[delswife]

Sweetie! No One show have to live like this!! Today will be the hard part. Think of it like this, you get a "do over". You get to start your life as a free woman. And to have the ignition changed in your car runs about $70 I think. Hopefully its registered in your name only, that way if they do take it report it stolen immediatly.
You sound so sweet, and I think you should keep your money. He's a grown man, let him take care of himself. Worry about YOU. {{{Hugs to you}}}

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>Sounds like you've received some good advice. I don't think you should blame yourself entirely. He made the decision not to work at your relationship, and to let his mother continue to take care of him.

Be fair, but don't short-change yourself out of guilt feelings.

Don't leave your house - if he's moving back with his mother, then the sooner the better.

Also, maybe now is not the time to say it, but you might want to look at why you settled for a guy who needed you to take care of him, instead of being a partner with you, and sharing some of the burden as well as the joy.

Good luck

 

[SonjaB]

Ditto the others, you're doing the right thing, stick to your guns. Take care of yourself and your money. If you want to give him half, fine, but you're not his caretaker. If his mom wants to keep raising him, good for her. That makes things all the easier for you. Change the locks, change the ignition, change your phone numbers and don't look back. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} honey, you've made a very hard decision, but this will be the worst day of it for you. Hang in there.

 

[Kallison]

Yikes -- I had a BF just like that in college. We all need the one bad relationship so we know the real deal when it comes along! Cut the cord, don't worry about him any more. My BF kept stalking me and threatening to commit suicide. I just had to cut off contact all together or he would have driven me nuts. He finally let up when I got engaged. For an entire year every time I drove home from work and got off the exit of the interstate, I would look in my rear view mirror and he would be behind me. You can't try and be friends with someone like this. Good luck.

 

[Scratch42]

You have received a lot of good advice. Heed it! Don't blame yourself it's just something that happens. Glad you figured it all out before you did something stupid and married the 'Bum'.

Trust me from someone who has been there. You will be better off and you don't need the baggage!

A person like that you cannot help. They must help themselves first. You will feel bad for awhile and they will make you feel like everything wrong in their lives is your fault. It's not! You are the strong one. Chalk it up to experience. Fate. God's will.

You will survive. You are not alone. Do what is best for you. Get out while you still can.

Be strong. Good Luck.

Scratch

 

[Disney Doll]

I can't add anything other than take care of any financial entanglements you two may have had. If you had any savings or checking accounts with both your names on them, get his name off. Change the locks on your house, change the locks on your car. Have his stuff together and ready to go when he and his mama come over to get it. You might want to also have someone there with you, like your father or at least a friend. You never know.

Take this as an opportunity to learn. You've been with him for 3 years, so of course there is sadness. But look carefully at the relationship, try and figure out why you settled for a mama's boy who needed taking care of rather than a man who could be an equal partner. Learn some lessons so you don't repeat the same mistake again.

 

[shelle94]

I thought he would come over after work to get his things but I guess not. I think I will start packing it right now. If I can see through my tears that is..... I do feel that this is the right decision but it is so hard! I'm sure he feels just as bad as I do...if not worse.

I wonder if he didn't come over because he thinks I might change my mind. I'm not going to this time. Maybe if he gets out on his own for awhile and grows up things could be different, but I still wouldn't want to deal with his family. I feel bad for him...he doesn't have much of a chance with a mother like that.

I am lucky that everything is in my name only. I had the car before we started seeing each other and I added his name only to the insurance as another driver. We have seperate bank accounts and we never even signed a lease together for the apartment. We rent from an elderly gentleman that will let us stay as long as we want on a monthly basis. All utilities are included and the phone and cable are in my name only. He will be sad to see my boyfriend go. Atleast we didn't have to fight over who would get the apartment. There is no way he could afford to live by himself on what he makes. I, on the other hand will have no problem. Actually, I will probably be able to save money.

I wish his mom didn't live so close. She only lives 5 or 6 houses away. Not even a whole block. It's going to be uncomfortable for a while I think.

I'm also thinking about seeing a counselor at work. They are available for employees free of charge. I did see one once, about 9 months ago. I was stressed out about what to do and she helped me decide to move to my mom's for awhile. I didn't end up going though because he convinced me we could work it out.

Thanks for all of your support. I am sad that this didn't work out, but I'm kind of excited about living by myself again. I just wish I could get through this hard part a little faster.

Michelle

 

[Scratch42]

It's gonna be rough, but just take baby steps at first, then hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month....

You've done the most important step admitted that there is a problem and you are doing something about it.

Take back you life, and be you!

Scratch

 

[Serena]

Shelle, I think you are doing GREAT! I doesn't feel like it now, because you are a kind hearted person.

{{{{hugs}}}

 

[Pin Wizard]

Don't worry about him. Obviously, Mommy will take care of him. Why do they always run back to Mommy as opposed to standing on their own 2 feet?

 

[shelle94]

He just called to let me know that he is staying at his mom's tonight so I can figure out what I want to do. Hello! We already went over this in the car this morning! I can't believe he's going to make me spell it out to him. I already feel bad enough about this...he doesn't need to play stupid. I think he just can't believe that I want it to be over. I wish things between us were different...but they aren't and I've done all I can do. Now instead of being sad I'm getting angry because this is just one more thing that he's making me take control of. Why doesn't he even have any input on this? Why has this always been just my decision? It's not just me that's unhappy....he isn't happy either. Maybe if he forces me to say I don't want to be with him anymore then he can blame me for our relationship not working. I don't want to be mad....I just want to be alone. What a mess. I'm glad I have you guys to keep me sane.

Michelle

Yeah...this is definately a learning experience.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

Shelle, {{{{hugs}}}} to you.

You have received much good advice here. Lock the door and go to sleep soon. You will feel better with each day that goes by. I would change the locks soon so that you don't have to worry about him coming in to the apartment. Pack his things and tell him when he can come get them. It will be rough for a while but things really will get better with time.

 

[Serena]

Stay angry. If he can convince you to feel sorry for him, you might get suckered in again.

Be strong, he isn't worthy of you.