Please give me hope...

[Dan Murphy]

Hi Teresa.

Surprised and sorry to hear all this. Sending you an email. 's

 

[Carnie]

He's a dreamer? No, he's a tool.

That's one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. What is he dreaming about? Flying? Being a super rockstar??

Dreams are nice but if you don't DO anything to make them into reality, they just sit there and rot.

He has no interest in making his "dreams come true". He's a coward.

 

[Anna_Marie]

Hugs to you. I have been there. My exhusband had an affair and left. I had no inkling anything was wrong. And yes, he blamed me...everything was my fault. He even blamed his leaving on me - he had girlfriend call the house numerous times and every time I would answer she would hang up...finally one day something clicked and I questioned him about it and he said he was leaving because I "didn't trust him."

I remember crying every night, the pain our kids went through, I slept with my window open at night so I could hear him if he pulled in the driveway after work in case he decided to come back home. I begged and pleaded.

Then one day, my mom gave me the poem about When one door closes, don't look so longingly at that door that you don't notice a new one opening. I got some new clothes, lost weight, re-connected with old friends, had dates with my kids.

Of course, once he saw the door was closing he wanted to come back. Nope, I was done. Now he is on his 3rd marriage (he cheated on girlfriend, then cheated on the next one)....and he is miserable.

Meanwhile, I met a great guy who loves my kids like his own, we have our own daughter, and he has morals and values.

You WILL pull through this. I know its hard now, but you will come out of it. My prayers will be with you.

 

[livie1205]

I am sorry this is happening to you but no I do not think we are ALL wired for cheating.I was married for 7 yrs to my ex and while he was a jerk I never even thought about cheating,I left him.I have been with my dh for 8 yrs and would never ever cheat on him.My dh was married before to a women he only stayed with for his child but never cheated but she did (they both admit this) my dh is just not made this way, he respects all women.I hope you find someone who makes you happy and can respect you....everyone needs to have respect.

 

[horseshowmom]

I am sorry this is happening to you but no I do not think we are ALL wired for cheating.I was married for 7 yrs to my ex and while he was a jerk I never even thought about cheating,I left him.I have been with my dh for 8 yrs and would never ever cheat on him.My dh was married before to a women he only stayed with for his child but never cheated but she did (they both admit this) my dh is just not made this way, he respects all women.I hope you find someone who makes you happy and can respect you....everyone needs to have respect.

I agree. I've been married for almost 27 years and have never been tempted to cheat (and have had opportunities to do so). My husband was married once before to a woman who cheated on him. He has nothing but contempt for anybody who cheats (male or female).

 

[janets]

He's a dreamer...please. It's just another excuse to blame you for all his unhappiness. You killed his dreams, you wanted security so he went along and in the process lost himself. Okay was looking for the vomiting icon and couldn't find one so this is me playing my little violin just for him.

Seriously, everyone has dreams. Some we make reality, others we just hold inside us longingly, never to come to fruition. Because in the real world, we are husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters. We have responsibilities and realities. While I'm all for dreams, they need to have some basis in reality and both parties need to want to pursue them.

In his case, it's just another excuse rather than maning up and telling you that he wanted out. To tell you that all of his loving behavior was designed to try and make him feel that way again is cowardly and weak.

I really have to tell you to stop talking to him. Start talking to a counselor. Get him out of the house. You need to be away from him so you can clear your head and start moving forward in your life. All of this is just not good for you. Crying is okay, but eventually you need to get some steel in that backbone and move on.

Teresa, we're all thinking of you.

 

[Buckalew11]

I, too, think the dreaming is an excuse. Who does not have dreams??? You have a dream too--of owning your own home again and that you'd stay married and grow old together. What about your dreams? Sometimes people dream about things they just can't afford to do. Buying a barn and property is quite a far out dream, imho, and while it could happen with hard work, I just think he is finding ways to blame you.

Honestly, my sister is going through all this too. Talked to her last night after over a year of this...this is all her fault, all his unhappiness, all the years of an unhappy marriage (what?! he never seemed unhappy to me. I could not live like they did but they seemed to be fine until someone else looked better to him) --he laid so much guilt on her yesterday and I had to ask, "WHY do you talk to him? Why do you answer? And when you do and he starts that crap, just tell him you can't talk and hang up. Stop taking it.
I'm sick of him saying, "I have a new life now." You can't just walk out on years of marriage and 4 kids and start anew. Now that's a "dream."

 

[kellyg403]

He's a dreamer...please. It's just another excuse to blame you for all his unhappiness. You killed his dreams, you wanted security so he went along and in the process lost himself. Okay was looking for the vomiting icon and couldn't find one so this is me playing my little violin just for him.

Seriously, everyone has dreams. Some we make reality, others we just hold inside us longingly, never to come to fruition. Because in the real world, we are husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters. We have responsibilities and realities. While I'm all for dreams, they need to have some basis in reality and both parties need to want to pursue them.

In his case, it's just another excuse rather than maning up and telling you that he wanted out. To tell you that all of his loving behavior was designed to try and make him feel that way again is cowardly and weak.

I really have to tell you to stop talking to him. Start talking to a counselor. Get him out of the house. You need to be away from him so you can clear your head and start moving forward in your life. All of this is just not good for you. Crying is okay, but eventually you need to get some steel in that backbone and move on.

Teresa, we're all thinking of you.

I agree! STOP TALKING TO HIM. Its is going to resolve nothing except his guilt for whatever he is guilty for. OP, you really really really have to stop and think when the conversations come up. Talking it one thing, casting blame is another. Its not useful to your current situation. If you can speak to each other, maybe resolve some hurts, that is one thing.

Who cares about his dreams really? He obviously does not care about yours. You had/have different dreams it appears and he forgot to mention that. Its not a crime...but he needs to man up. Things you were unaware of can not be held against you. Had you been aware and did nothing to resolve it then it would be your fault.

One foot in front of the other. Keep things civil, but conversation on a non personal level. It will help, I promise. It will help you see more clearly what you want and what you need to do. One minute at a time.

You do not have to be unkind back. I know, for me, I did not want to be unkind, he was doing it enough for the both of us. I didn't want to argue about material things that really in the end do not matter. I realized every time we fought or discussed the divorce, I was in a bitter place and said bitter things. The next day I had to face what I had said in anger or hurt. I didn't want to be that kind of person. And eventually, you will figure out that what he is saying is NOT what you really are. As hard as it is, think about things you can do that you couldn't do before. There has to be things you wanted to do that he didn't like to do so you gave them up. Do them again. Get in touch with an old friend. Get your hair/nails done. I had not spent a single dime on myself in years. When we got our tax refund he got his half and spent it on himself. My half went to the kids/bills. I was the grown up in our relationship,he was the child. When he was good to me, he was really good to me. Loving and kind. Made me think I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Till he figured out I was a redhead and he really like blondes. I will never forget the day his girlfriend called. I told her we were separated (we weren't) and he was all hers. I gave her his work number because evidently he only remembered his home number. The home his wife and kids lived at. He came home to everything he owned boxed up and waiting for him. He said she called and said I basically gave him to her. I laughed for the first time in weeks. Crazy people all around me and I was not going to be one of them. I had my pride and my children. She dumped him not long after. Guess, she didn't realize he was MARRIED as in living with his family. Sad to say, I took him back, went to a counselor..and wow, shame on me he did it again. But, you know what I won the Tshirt, I tried and it was not happening anymore. Honestly, I wasn't a good wife after the first/second affair. Really, I didn't trust him, I didn't even love him except as a possession I won twice. Its tough OP, it hurts all the same. I could disect your conversations and tell you what he really means when he says that stuff, because its pretty darn exactly the same thing my ex said, my friends soon to be ex said etc.

Pull yourself up and find you! Cry when you can, because you have to...but smile and laugh when you can because you NEED to right now! Many hugs OP to you!

Kelly

 

[TeresaNJ]

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[JuneChickie]

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Very sorry you felt the need to change all your posts.

Here's a for you. Feel better soon.

 

[minnie56]

Awwww more hugs