Please, As Many Opinions As Possible on This

[MIGrandma]

I really would like as many opinions on this as possible. It's something I've thought about for quite some time. My Dad passed away almost 3 years ago. I have never agreed with long, drawn out funeral traditions but my Mom wanted the regular 3-day visitation, big funeral, lunch after, etc. I got through it all, but just barely. I tried to be strong and helpful to her. Kept my feelings to myself, she didn't need that added stress. She kept asking me to go up to the casket to look at my Dad, and at first I would not. I didn't want to. I didn't want to remember him that way. Eventually I did look, for her, but wish I wouldn't have. I didn't need to do that for my closure.

She knows how I feel now, about funerals in general. But, she still wants the long, drawn out 3-day visitation, big funeral and lunch after she passes on. Right now she is in good health (she's 73) so I don't say anything about it, but I honestly do not think I could get through it.

Shouldn't the funeral be for the family left behind? Shouldn't they get to make the decisions, as to what they can handle and what they can't?

I would prefer to have a quiet family memorial/celebration of her life, small, private, and not with an open casket.

My dilema is do I talk to her about it now? While she is in good health? Or do I just wait until she passes and make the changes then?

I can't imagine trying to dictate to my children what kind of funeral I want. I will be dead. I won't know. It should be what they want, not what I want.

Am I selfish and wrong to feel this way about my mother's funeral? I hope and pray it doesn't happen for many years, but you just never know. I just don't know if I should discuss my feelings with her, and see what she says, or just keep my mouth shut, let her think she'll get the funeral she wants while knowing myself that I just wouldn't be able to do that.

Have any of you made changes to your parents' funeral wishes? How did you handle it? Or did you suck it up and do it because it's what they wanted?

I really would like to hear everyone's opinions, thank you.

 

[Mermaid02]

I really would like as many opinions on this as possible. It's something I've thought about for quite some time. My Dad passed away almost 3 years ago. I have never agreed with long, drawn out funeral traditions but my Mom wanted the regular 3-day visitation, big funeral, lunch after, etc. I got through it all, but just barely. I tried to be strong and helpful to her. Kept my feelings to myself, she didn't need that added stress. She kept asking me to go up to the casket to look at my Dad, and at first I would not. I didn't want to. I didn't want to remember him that way. Eventually I did look, for her, but wish I wouldn't have. I didn't need to do that for my closure.

She knows how I feel now, about funerals in general. But, she still wants the long, drawn out 3-day visitation, big funeral and lunch after she passes on. Right now she is in good health (she's 73) so I don't say anything about it, but I honestly do not think I could get through it.

Shouldn't the funeral be for the family left behind? Shouldn't they get to make the decisions, as to what they can handle and what they can't?

I would prefer to have a quiet family memorial/celebration of her life, small, private, and not with an open casket.

My dilema is do I talk to her about it now? While she is in good health? Or do I just wait until she passes and make the changes then?

I can't imagine trying to dictate to my children what kind of funeral I want. I will be dead. I won't know. It should be what they want, not what I want.

Am I selfish and wrong to feel this way about my mother's funeral? I hope and pray it doesn't happen for many years, but you just never know. I just don't know if I should discuss my feelings with her, and see what she says, or just keep my mouth shut, let her think she'll get the funeral she wants while knowing myself that I just wouldn't be able to do that.

Have any of you made changes to your parents' funeral wishes? How did you handle it? Or did you suck it up and do it because it's what they wanted?

I really would like to hear everyone's opinions, thank you.

Does it seem important to her? If it does, give her the funeral she wants. I'm with you- I don't care what they do for me (I won't be there!) but some folks feel differently.

 

[RitaE]

Wow. I've never heard of a 3 day visitation. I don't think I agree with you that your Mother's wishes shouldn't be respected but ..... a 3 day visitation? How many people will even attend? I don't think I even know enough people to stretch it out over 3 days.

I don't think I could get through that either. Our tradition here is an evening visitation at a funeral home, a Church Funeral service the next morning and then a brief graveside prayer service and lunch after either at the Church or somebody's home. Every service I've ever attended has pretty much been like that and honestly that alone seems to wipe out the family members.

I'm not sure what to tell you other than I think you need to work this out with your Mother.

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

Don't say anything now because it'll just upset her. When the time comes, do what you wish. After she's dead it's really a non issue.

 

[indimom]

I'd give her the funeral she wants. I just wouldn't feel right changing her last wishes.
And lots of folks around here pre-plan their funerals, so there is NO changing the plan. The family isn't really in charge.

BUT, I will admit that I'm with you on this one and really feel for you. I HATE open caskets, and hate that people have forced me to go stand in front of them to say my good-byes. I don't need or want that.

I've told dh that when I go, he can have me cooked and then toss me to the four winds. Ugh, I hate funerals.

 

[1stluvispooh]

Funerals are for the families. I would do what I thought I could get through. Do you have any siblings? How do they feel. But my opinion is do what you think you can get through, she will be dead and not know or care.

 

[nbs2]

While the dead certainly have little to do with their own funerals, the issue is one of last wishes and the tradition of allowing a person over last bit of control over their own bodies.

From the perceptive of those grieving, onerous requests and absurd demands by the dead can create a level of guilt among survivors that isn't fair. The child or spouse that isn't able to accomplish that last request is doomed to feelings of remorse when thinking about the departed because there was a request that couldn't be fulfilled - after spending a wonderful and loving lifetime that should dominate their memories.

However, consider the concerns of the deceased. As an extreme example, a Jew or Muslim isn't going to notice if you wrap them in bacon before you bury them. However, we must ask ourselves what level of dignity are we going to allow the dead to retain over their remains. If a person feels so strongly about something that they make it their ultimate request during their mortal existence, is it fair that we should deny them that request?

In your case, as in any individuals, it is about what you can handle. Does your mother understand your innate inability or accomplish her desires - that doing as she is requesting is outside your comfort zone? I'd be sure that she is aware of this. I'd let her know that you would do your best, but if something were to happen tomorrow, you wouldn't be capable of handling the trauma - that she may need to find someone else to take charge of the funeral. At the same time, make sure she understands that it isn't a lack of love that keeps you from doing this, but that it is your love for her that keeps you from being able to have that haunting visage. Let her know that you would try to comply with her wishes, but you doubt you could do it - and you want her to be happy. She can keep you in charge, leaving you do to the best you can, or she can have someone who could stomach the task assist you.

Be fair to her and only ask the same of her.

 

[Robinrs]

Funerals are NOT for the one who passed, its for the ones who are left. If you are the one left, you make the decision.

I also HATE funerals, they are a tradition I'd rather pass up. You do what makes you feel good and makes you survive it.

 

[acejka]

I would most definitely suck it up and go along with her wishes. That was her last wish, she should get it.

 

[MerMom60_94]

I would incorporate the old saying "it is easier to seek forgiveness than to seek permission". In other words, if you start a conversation with your mother saying you won't be granting her wishes and she is adament then it will be a lot harder to go against them. If you simply do what you have to do when the time comes then you never promised anything.

I am also of the theory that funerals are for the living.

 

[RadioNate]

Can't there be some kind of compromise between her wishes and what you are most comfortable with?

How about a 1 night visitation with a funeral mass and lunch? I can't imagine a 3 day visitation...do people come all 3 days?

 

[Bren's Mom]

If she pre-plans her funeral and PAYS for it...then I don't think you can change it. Do as much as you can, and if you have to skip some of the visitation then do that.

If she pre-plans it (as in writes down what she desires) and doesn't pre-pay for it, then I would try to do as much as your budget and grief allow you to do. If you can't do it all, then I'm sure she will understand. If she's the kind of person who would flog you for NOT being able to do it...then I wouldn't worry too much about it...she wouldn't deserve it anyway.

My dh and I know what the other's wishes are. But if something needed to be changed because the survivor couldn't handle it, or we thought doing something differently would be better for our kids...then we'd change it...and I have no doubt that the other spouse would understand.

Really, though, I wouldn't worry on it too much until it happens...

 

[Luv2Scrap]

I feel ya! I wish I had never seen my 21 year old best friend lying in her casket 15 years ago. That's the memory that stayed with me for years and years. Not all the good times we had... just the image of her lying there... *shudder*

I honestly don't think I could choose an open casket for a loved one, if it were left to me to plan the arrangements.

I think I would probably try to avoid having that conversation with her at all, and you do what you need to do when the time comes.

 

[dodukes]

I would suck it up and do what she wants, (if its within my financial means).

 

[ols386]

Funerals are NOT for the one who passed, its for the ones who are left. If you are the one left, you make the decision.

I also HATE funerals, they are a tradition I'd rather pass up. You do what makes you feel good and makes you survive it.

I agree. Funerals are for the living, not the deceased.



To the OP: Having said that, I do think if you can honor her requests, that would be nice. But if honoring a specific request has a very upsetting impact on you, then I would disregard it. I don't see the point in putting youself through a terribly upsetting process if it's not necessary.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I might not go for the 3 day visitation unless there are extenuating circumstances. Then again I grew up in a Catholic family and those kind of funerals are normal to me. 2 visitation days work better I think.

My dh just went to a visitation of a friend's brother (former Catholic priest, active in his church naturally). There were hundreds of people in line. They really, really needed 2 days visitation for him. It was crazy. Also older people might need travel/rest time so that is a consideration.

I know many people that plan out their funerals so you would not even have a say in it.

DH's Grandpa, RIP, planned out every little detail down to the drinks at the gathering after the services. He was a planner to the end. They did apologize because they were unable to service a certain dish he had requested. (Done in loving joking, of course, because he had talked to them many times while alive.)

Unless there is no money for the services, I would respect the wishes of my loved ones.

 

[mackeysmom]

I followed every last one of my mother's funeral wishes even though they were the complete opposite of what I would have wanted for myself.

I hope that when it is my time to go, my final wishes will be followed as well.

 

[dislaney]

I think I would wait and do what your comfortable with when she's gone.

I've told my family that if something happens to me, they are free to do whatever they wish with me. Whatever makes it easier for them. Can you tell I just went through the funeral of a close family member?

 

[Skywalker]

I think you should honour her wish for the funeral she wants.

I am in the opposite situation with my mother...I would have wanted her to have a traditional service, visitation, etc. She wants to just be buried with no service, no visitation, nothing in the paper, just a private burial with only her children (and grandchildren) there. I think that is sad, but I will honour her wishes when the time comes.

If she cares enough to voice how she wants her funeral, I think you should suck it up and give her what she would have wanted.

 

[WDWMom]

I too am under the belief that funerals are for the living. As others have stated, you may need to worry about a pre-plan, pre-paid funeral but those can be changed. It all depends on the funeral home. If you want less than what was paid for, they may not refund your money and if you request more, they will charge you. This happened when my FIL died. Everything was pre-paid and he did not plan on visitation. MIL didn't want it either, but the 5 kids decided THEY needed it and convinced MIL that others were not going to come during business hours (for funeral) that would want to say goodbye or to give condolences.

My advice would be to do what you can handle at the time.