Planning a wedding question (Update in first post)

[wishesuponastar]

As it turns out, I will be giving daughter some money towards her wedding gown/wedding reception and not paying for her shower. Well, I will still be paying some of the shower because her two teenage sisters are in the bridal party.

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My daughter is getting married and she and fiancé will probably be paying for most of it themselves. However, I would like to pay for the bridal shower. Do I tell my daughter this or wait to discuss that to the bridal party?

 

[Happy Snowman]

Do you mean the Bachelorette party? If you want to pay for a bridal shower, you can just host one and pay for it...although common etiquette says that it's not really proper for the mother of the bride to do so. If you want someone else to "host" the shower and just pay for it, that is something you would talk to whomever is going to host the shower--so maybe the maid of honor??

 

[wishesuponastar]

The bridal shower not bachelorette. I will talk to the Maid of Honor, and let her know I want to pay for it. thanks.

 

[Christine]

Generally, friends of the bride are supposed to host and pay for the shower, not family members; however, I don't think it would be a bad idea to wait to see who of her friends picks up the lead on it and then you can throw some money their way.

 

[rigs32]

Etiquette says that showers can't be thrown by the bride or her immediate family because they are gift giving events. So for the bride or her mom to throw the shower looks gift grabby.

 

[NewRVLady]

My DIL's Bridal shower was Hosted by the members of the Bridal party-one was a party planner and the décor, nametags , favors all done by her.
However her Mom actually paid for the venue and sit down meal. It was extremely nice and something young people could not have afforded-but its the custom in new York, in their very large Italian family.

I used to be one of those that thought those old etiquette rules always applied-but have learned sometimes life has twists and turns and 'go with the flow".

 

[Missy1961]

Yes, like others have said, etiquette-wise, you can't host the shower. So let the bridal party handle that - but if you are willing to be a silent partner, there is no harm in offering to help pay for it. I know when I was in my sisters' bridal party, my mom paid for the shower - we bridesmaids couldn't afford it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My daughter is getting married and she and fiancé will probably be paying for most of it themselves. However, I would like to pay for the bridal shower. Do I tell my daughter this or wait to discuss that to the bridal party?

The bridal shower is not hosted by "mom" so I would tell you to find another way to contribute to your dd's wedding.

I vote discuss it with your dd.

 

[mjkacmom]

The bridal shower is not hosted by "mom" so I would tell you to find another way to contribute to your dd's wedding.

I vote discuss it with your dd.

At least where I in the northeast, it's very common for parents to fund showers, which can be rather expensive, even if the invitation puts the bridal party as hosts. Many are large affairs at restaurants (big families, and full meals are the expected norm).

My mom funded mine, I believe. It was held in her home (I didn't want the normal restaurant shower), the bridal party was poor and spread out (half out of state), and she would never take money from young adults when she could easily afford everything.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

At least where I in the northeast, it's very common for parents to fund showers, which can be rather expensive, even if the invitation puts the bridal party as hosts. Many are large affairs at restaurants (big families, and full meals are the expected norm).

My mom funded mine, I believe. It was held in her home (I didn't want the normal restaurant shower), the bridal party was poor and spread out (half out of state), and she would never take money from young adults when she could easily afford everything.

That I understand.

However OP states that her dd and her future husband are paying for their own wedding, I am going to assume that her circle may not be "poor" and may not need that help.

 

[Missy1961]

That I understand.

However OP states that her dd and her future husband are paying for their own wedding, I am going to assume that her circle may not be "poor" and may not need that help.

Well, that may not always be true. When one of my sisters got married, she and her husband paid for the reception. The bridesmaids were me (working full time but not making a lot of money), my sister (in law school, no job) and my youngest sister was maid of honor (in college, no job). I couldn't afford to pay for a shower by myself. And it was in our home, with food prepared by my family. But we have a large family, as does my brother-in-law. So my mom paid for all of it.

 

[Katie Dawn]

Just want to say I think the vast majority of "wedding etiquette is ridiculous. Bridesmaids are asked to pay for so much as it is, who cares about following the" rules." (I do understand the importance of talking to the bridesmaids about it since they would probably assume they should be paying for it - but you guys do it however you want!) Especially considering that the traditional "etiquette" is based on an assumption that the Bride's parents are paying for the wedding, and more and more often these days the couple is fitting the bill, the traditional "Who pays for what" needs to be thrown out the window. That's all... Carry on discussing the proper way to do things.

 

[jdb in AZ]

A friend with four sons and two daughters said that when each one got married, the "rules" of who paid for what were different. Different size families, different financial situations, different tastes, ideas, etc.

Etiquette was designed for everyone to feel comfortable in a social situation, as opposed to feeling embarrassed, by committing some gaffe or faux pas. Personally, as long as everyone feels comfortable, I have no qualms about bypassing some archaic rules. Who ever came up with the "rules" anyway?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

A friend with four sons and two daughters said that when each one got married, the "rules" of who paid for what were different. Different size families, different financial situations, different tastes, ideas, etc.

Etiquette was designed for everyone to feel comfortable in a social situation, as opposed to feeling embarrassed, by committing some gaffe or faux pas. Personally, as long as everyone feels comfortable, I have no qualms about bypassing some archaic rules. Who ever came up with the "rules" anyway?

I guess you are not a Jane Austen fan? LOL

I have no qualms about breaking archaic rules.

I just think that OP needs to speak with her dd and ask her about paying for the shower.

In the event that her bridesmaids want to plan and pay for the shower themselves, it puts OP's dd in an awkward position, you know?

 

[AnnaS]

99% of the bridal showers I have attended here, the bride's mom pays/hosts for the bridal shower regardless of who is paying for the wedding (kids/parents). The bridal party is already paying for their dress, shoes, makeup, hair, nails, gift, contribute to the bachelorette party plus their own expense for it.

I do know of some where the bride's sister was the matron of honor/maid of honor and split the cost with the mom since she financially able to.

 

[Lynne M]

OP, talk to your daughter. Some brides don't even want a shower (I wouldn't), and the couple might really appreciate some help with some other part of the wedding.

 

[aristocatz]

Who comes up with all these rules of etiquette anyways? Everyone's weddings and situations are so different, these rules cannot be appropriate for everyone.

OP: I say talk to your DD & the bridal party. Maybe you can team up with the MOH & plan something together, if you both want to contribute. I also agree with another PP to ask your daughter whether or not she wants a bridal shower. When I got married, I didn't want one, but I know plenty of brides who did.

 

[wishesuponastar]

Daughter wants a shower but bridal party will pay for it. Update in first post.

 

[riverbend]

Just got hitched six months ago. My mom, MIL and aunt hosted my bridal shower which was mostly for family and very close friends/bridesmaids. The bachelorette party was more geared towards my girlfriends and bridesmaids. I don't know if it's a regional thing but that's been the formula for every pre-wedding shindig I've ever been to.

Then again, I completely back up the PP who said to go with whatever people are comfortable with and agree on.

 

[PigletsPal2]

With so many couples living together before they marry (not judging, just commenting), and with many couples getting married after being out on their own for awhile, I've found that they don't really need or want the traditional bridal shower. Their households are pretty well established and supplied.

When the daughter of a friend was getting married on the west coast, we on the east coast who knew the daughter well and liked her, sent her a Money Tree as a shower gift. We collected whatever anyone wanted to contribute, converted it to crisp $10 bills, and attached them to a Styrofoam tree with pretty little pearl push-pins. We boxed it up securely and the MOB took it on the plane with her to the wedding. There were a lot of us contributing, and if I remember correctly, we collected about $500. In 1969, this went a loooong way toward a wedding or a honeymoon! (at least for this bride and groom).

Some may think this was tacky, but the purpose of a gift is to give something the recipient would like and appreciate, and we more than accomplished that.

Queen Colleen