Pinewood Derby Embarassment

[joshsmom]

So DS is 9 and in his very first Pinewood Derby for the Boy Scouts. He was very excited about it, but I tried to prepare him for NOT coming in first, second, etc. He was very confident. I tried to talk to him about the sportsmanship of it, etc. He's involved in sports, etc., so it's not like he hasn't "lost" at things before, but he went in extremely confident that he was going to win the whole thing. Well, he didn't and he was devastated. Not only was he devastated, he sat in his chair and cried and wouldn't get up for the next group of kids coming in. I was MORTIFIED by his behavior! He then refused to be in the picture with the rest of his Den because he was still crying. I apologized to as many people as I could before leaving with my tail between my legs wishing I was completely invisible.

He was banished to his room to think about his behavior and to write an apology letter to his Den and his Pack for his deplorable behavior. This is NOT the way he behaves normally and I have no idea what sparked this. However, it truly concerns me. He's my only child and I REALLY don't want to screw up parenting him. I don't want him to be a brat, a sore loser, or any of those other negative things that stick with kids through their school years. He's grounded from TV, all video games, and playing outside for a week. He will utilize all his newly found free time reading, practicing Math facts (because he needs assistance there) and doing other learning-related activites.

Has this ever happened to anyone else? How did you handle it? Were you ever able to show your face at Boy Scouts again?

 

[Cass]

Awww... poor little guy had his dream shattered, he really thought he was going to win and he is just so disappointed.

I know his behavior afterwards was not acceptable but he must be really hurting inside...

This is a valuable lesson learned for him... try not to worry too much, but be there for him if he wants to talk about what happened and how awful he felt, don't rub salt in the wounds by reminding him about how he acted afterwards, he is probably embarrassed about that too. The other boys may rib him.. especially for crying.

 

[eeyore45]

What about finding a role model person to talk to? I'm involved in Boy Scouts, and I hated the Pinewood Derby, we too had embarrassing times, so I tried to eliminate those times, but I'm sure there are lessons everywhere... Anyway, if you're not the Denmother, I would think you still had a Boy Scout that helps the pack out? Or is there a Boy Scout Troop that is associated with your pack? Call the Scoutmaster and ask if he knows of anyone in his troop that had problems like your sons and would be willing to talk to your son...

a lot of times with boys they learn and move on, and its us moms that have a problem letting go... (my boys are now 19, 16, my oldest is hard of hearing so we had issues, sometimes the Pack wasnt helpful, but our troop was!)

 

[Randi]

Gosh Mom, he's only 9. Are you punishing him for being so disappointed he cried and and behaved in a way that embarrassed you? I raised 2 boys and they were Scouts so I did my share of Pinewood Derby races. They are a highlight of the year for most packs and lots of cars are made by dads, obviously. If your son had never had a chance to see a race before this, he may not have been aware of all the competetion he had. IMHO, I would share his disappointment with him in private and be there to pick up the pieces if his friends start to tease him. Help him learn how to handle disappointment because this won't be the last time in his life.

 

[joshsmom]

I REALLY don't want to be too hard on him, and that was the reason for my post. I know there's others that have dealt with similar situations and wanted advice from all of you. I have calmed down considerably since the display and we've talked about his feelings. I was embarassed, but I was really kidding about being able to show my face again. My embarassment is nothing--I'm an adult. But I am truly concerned about his refusal to get out of the chair, even when he knew the other scouts needed that area for the next race, etc.

I really appreciate the feedback I'm getting and I did call the Scoutmaster. Unfortunately DS does not have a lot of "male role model support" in our family. My dad does not really take an interest in the grandchildren, both brother-in-laws are busy with their families, and DS's father is completely uninvolved in his life. I talked to the leader about teaming up with other families (we have a small Den--only about 10 boys) to "share" some of the fathers/brothers/uncles that help out the other kids. I'm hoping that maybe this will help DS have a connection to his other scouts and males. Luckily I do know the families well as the children all go to school together.

Again, thank you SO much for your responses, I do REALLY appreciate them!

 

[izzy]

So DS is 9 and in his very first Pinewood Derby for the Boy Scouts. He was very excited about it, but I tried to prepare him for NOT coming in first, second, etc. He was very confident. I tried to talk to him about the sportsmanship of it, etc. He's involved in sports, etc., so it's not like he hasn't "lost" at things before, but he went in extremely confident that he was going to win the whole thing. Well, he didn't and he was devastated. Not only was he devastated, he sat in his chair and cried and wouldn't get up for the next group of kids coming in. I was MORTIFIED by his behavior! He then refused to be in the picture with the rest of his Den because he was still crying. I apologized to as many people as I could before leaving with my tail between my legs wishing I was completely invisible.

He was banished to his room to think about his behavior and to write an apology letter to his Den and his Pack for his deplorable behavior. This is NOT the way he behaves normally and I have no idea what sparked this. However, it truly concerns me. He's my only child and I REALLY don't want to screw up parenting him. I don't want him to be a brat, a sore loser, or any of those other negative things that stick with kids through their school years. He's grounded from TV, all video games, and playing outside for a week. He will utilize all his newly found free time reading, practicing Math facts (because he needs assistance there) and doing other learning-related activites.

Has this ever happened to anyone else? How did you handle it? Were you ever able to show your face at Boy Scouts again?

I'm so sorry for your son's disappointment (and his subsequent behavior), but I just wanted to let you know that you sound like one of the most caring parents I have heard in a long time. Please do not beat yourself up over this. You are absolutely NOT screwing up parenting. I can tell from the way you handled the situation that he will not grow up to be a brat or a sore loser. Making him take responsibility for his actions will go a long way to helping him mature and grow into a person you will be proud of.

I wish I had some suggestions to help you now, but it sounds like you have everything well covered. I just thought it sounded like you could use a little bit of cheering up, too. Don't doubt your parenting abilities - it sounds like you're doing a super job to me!

 

[Pam]

My son never acted in that way at the Pinewood Derbies - but I can tell you that at least one Scout did. My son has been in Scouts since 1st grade - we had 5 Pinewoods and there was always one or more boys who couldn't mask their disappointment.

They are still young and they are so excited to build the car and then race it.

If it were me, since you had talked with your son about his immature behavior, I would lessen the punishment and grounding. And I wouldn't worry about what the other parents or scouts thought, I'm sure most didn't think it was that horrible.

Even another Scout dad or a man that you knows would agree to mentor you son, that would be great.

Now - at the beginning I said my son never acted that way at a Pinewood Derby - but he *did* at several meetings - and I was the Den Leader. I thought I would die of mortification. He, too, would be grounded but we stuck with the program and her matured. I am happy to say that my 16 yr. old high school sophomore is still with Scouts and is an Eagle Scout and the Administrative Vice Chief of the OA Lodge.

I think you are doing a great job being a Mom to your son.

 

[eeyore45]

{hugs} so glad you posted again!!

Being a mom is the hardest job!! Just make sure as time goes by you reinforce your love for him, and give him opportunities to talk about his feelings of sadness and disappointment.


BTW I hate the Pinewood Derby, you can google search and buy cars, like posted above some dads take over, and some Packs require the cars to be made entirely at the meetings and race only those cars that were made entirely by kids in the meetings... you can even buy premade cars at Michaels, or Hobby Lobby!

But please, keep in mind I am prejudice, I really had a hard time dealing with the immuturity of the adults in our Pack, and so I was not forceful in making ds's participate at a Cub Scout level, I made sure they earned thier Arrow of Light since its the only award earned as a Cub that can be worn as a Boy Scout.

BUT, I really have to tell you how important Boy Scouts has been and is to my 2 DS's, esp my son who is hearing impaired, and who did not fit in... Boy Scouts became a family. The troop we got involved let us mom's get involved, as long as it was within the guidelines of a "Boy led troop" It seems so chaotic, and yet, thru that chaos my boys learned and grew so much!! Their independence learned at Boy Scout Camp was (and is tremendous!) My son is 19 and still goes to Boy Scout camp!! Now he is a counselor, helping other boys, and I find it a priveledge to go up for a week and help the troop, the younger boys, figure it out, but to watch my older boys helping teach others!!

Its not easy day to day... but in the long run, if you can help him get to meetings, get to camp outs.. if you pick a troop that fits in with your values and needs, you will reap the rewards!!

 

[geffric]

At our pack, we always had at least one scout in tears at the Pinewood derby. Our pack just thought it was no big deal!! We talked in committee about how to handle it and what we can do to make it fair for all. But never came to any decision. As a den leader , i did try and talk with the scouts in a den meeting before hand about the race and that everyone is a winner and that some cars are really good and fast and others aren't. Some cars are done by the dads and others are done by the scouts. That doesn't reflect anything about the scouts..


But in the end.. one car wins and the rest don't. My boys knew that our cars never went fast or straight and that they always come in close to last and that is what they should expect.. not everyone is good at everything.. and our family was not good at pinewood derby.. but we did real well at camping and canoeing.

 

[nuke]

My son is a Tiger Cub this year. My husband somehow became the "den" leader of Tiger Cubs which I guess isn't really supposed to have a leader? Anyways, their Pinewood derby is the 22nd. My child doesn't really care about his car. My husband and he are working on it together a little at a time and my son has picked the colors and the design of it but he is more looking forward to watching the race and being a .

 

[Geoff_M]

joshsmom,

First of all a small correction... It's "Cub Scouts". Boy Scouts doesn't start until age 11 or at the completion of 5th grade.

Secondly, unless he lashed out at any of his fellow scouts or leaders I think you're being a little bit hard on him. The kid had visions of glory in his mind and they were shattered. Life's hard that way sometimes. I'd have probably lectured him on the spot, sent him to his room afterwards, and probably left it at that. But... what I would do is to initially say "no" the next time he expressed an interest in entering a competitive event. We'd then have a talk about sportsmanship and managing expectations, I'd bring up the Pinewood Derby incident, and then we'd come to an agreement that there would be no repeat of such behavior on his part. Then I'd consent to let him compete.

 

[WWTBAMFAN]

I remember the first pinewood derby car my son and I made. The wheel feel off in the third race or so. He was still happy to compete. The next year, his car finished first (the wheel stayed on). Part of scouts is learning to deal with things like losing.

Normally, many packs try to cushion the blow of losing with awards like best looking cars and turtle awards.

Your son was disappointed but he will get over it.

BTW, many hobby stores have books on pinewood derby and kits for polishing the axles and deburring the axles.

 

[jfulcer]

He's my only child and I REALLY don't want to screw up parenting him. I don't want him to be a brat, a sore loser, or any of those other negative things that stick with kids through their school years.

Lol, I think I was thinking like Pop Daddy when I thought "Aww, just have another one in case you screw this one up really bad".

But that I thought that would be in bad taste, so I just thought I'd put my 2 cents in and think that you are being WAY too hard on him.

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

We have all had moments with our children where we just want to crawl under a table and hide (and I'm sure our kids feel that way about us sometimes too!). I can also guarantee it will happen more than once, so just forget about the Pinewood Derby episode...everyone else will too.

I have been taking my son to Cub Scouts for several years now due to my DH's work schedule. I just jump right in with the activities and ask for help when I need it. Try to do the same if your situation allows.

 

[missypie]

I really hate Pinewood Derby. Around here, the dads get REALLY into it and buy sticker kits and everything...so if a boy does his own, his car is slow and not as good looking as the others. When my DS lost and cried, his best friend won...his dad had actually welded little weights to the bottom. That made the car very fast but no way could anybody pretend that the boy had done the welding himself.

 

[jellymanoffspring]

When my son was in scouts....the competition was fierce..between the DADS!!!
The one car that won every year was "Made" by a boy whos father owned an auto body shop......it looked fab of course!
Another scout Dad worked at the shop and told us that the winning dad took the car into his office and closed the door so no one could see the secret to his fast car!!
I never quite understood what this was supposed to be teaching the Boys!!??!!!

I do like the few cars my son made....he liked a theme and his last one was a Zamboni with his favorite goalie driving!! ( although my hubbie did help too of course)

As to the OP , don't be hard on your son....just let him know he was disappointed but that he had a really cool car.....
just let it go with the den don't even address it again with them!

 

[WWTBAMFAN]

Our cub scout pack would have an annual derby fixed it day where a dad would use a power saw to cut cars out for kids. I used to bring a power drill, a file and some polish to debur axles for kids (one of the easiest ways to make a car go faster is to file off any inperfections on the inside of the nail used as an axle and polish the nail). I also used a power sander (you can easily shape a good car with a sander)

There are some good books at either the scout shop or the hobby stores for how to make a fast car. For cur scouts, you can not alter the wheels and so long as the axles are deburred. The only other factor that really makes a difference is the weight. At the district tournament, the cars weight was measured in grams to get as close to 5 ozs as possible. There are some theories about where to put the weights that are very interesting in some of the books from the hobby stores.

We had a daddy's devision where the daddy's could play separatedly. I also have worked at the district derby where there was a masters or daddy's division.

Scouting is suppose to be fun and for the boys. If the adults are taking over, then the leaders need to step in and deal with it.

 

[Becky2005]

I haven't read everything that is posted but I agree with what I have read.

I find these events, *extremely* stressful for the kids.

We haven't had our Pinewood Derby yet and I'm absolutely dreading it because we not too long ago had our Raingutter Regatta and my DS came in 2nd place overall. I *know* he's going to just freak out if he doesn't place again. We didn't make it to the Derby last year but I know it's worse for competition than the boats.

The worst part is that they did each den, him and his best friend both made it to the overall round, so basically my DS was 1st place Wolf and his friend was 2nd place Wolf. They *only* gave out trophies for the 1st place Wolf (my feeling was they should have given out trophies for both 1st & 2nd places for each den as those are the only 2 kids who advanced). So, his best friend only ended up with the participation trophy that all the kids got even though he did move up - he was quite disappointed to get that far and only get the exact same thing as everyone else.

My DS was actually upset that he got 2nd place!!! He was crying for not winning the last match (until he got the trophies - he ended up with THREE of them, the participation one, the 1st place Wolf and 2nd place overall).

It will be OK, just keep working on it (My DD is in gymanstics and she's 10 and she still has a somewhat hard time when she gets lower places and when she was younger it was harder but we just keep doing it and going over the rules of good sportsmanship, etc... before each event. I don't dwell on it though afterward...I will usually do a "I know you are disappointed but you can't be 1st everytime, others didn't get placed high either, etc...").

 

[DISJAZZ]

There's a great story on the AWANA site (they have a derby too) about a single Mom and her son at the race. Little guys aren't prepared for not winning. It may be that he wanted that trophy for you. Cherish him for the wonderful gift that he is to you, and let him know that your best trophy ever is him.