Picky Eaters - Should I Just Give Up?

[kellyg403]

I agree with the others, let DBF handle it. And you two need to sit down and decide what rules there are at your house and how HE will handle the discipline.

As a stepmom, I know how hard it is to 'want' to parent, but you can't. It took a lot of resentment and a lot of willpower but trust me, you will feel better in the end if you let it go. Her dad needs to understand it is HIS job as the parent/male role model in the house to set the tone and STICK to it. He has to show his dd that respect he gives to you, she must also give to your home and rules. And honestly, I would teach your sdd how to make her own cereal if that is what she wants. Don't prepare anything special for her, just teach her how to do it and then let her know this is dinner.

As for your 3 yo, at this age they do become a bit more picky..all my children went through the stage. Its most important that you stick to the rule of trying whats on your plate and then letting the argument go.

As another suggested, let your dh do it all. I learned over the years, when something was causing a hassle for me and causing tension in the house sometimes my dh didn't see it because he was at work or whatever. So, I left him holding the bag on more than once occassion. He is one of those people that had to do it to see where I was coming from. One sdd had a habit of wearing certain clothes to school that weren't in dress code. I brought her new clothes once, told dad and he couldn't see the big deal. The next time she walked out the door with questionable attire, when the phone rang I gave them his phone number. Not only did he get the leaving work, stopping your day for something that could have been avoided, but sdd got mismatched clothes from a bedroom that was a mess. After school I came home to a clean room and a sdd who forevermore asked what I thought about her attire before she left for school. The embarrassment of wearing what her father brought her was enough.

Kelly

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Speak to your DBF BEFORE his DD comes back. Agree to get on the same page for behavior rules and punishment.

My one DSD used to get up super early and want breakfast. She would get the biggest bowl she could reach and fill it up to the top with cereal and then smother it with as much milk as possible. She would easily empty an entire box of cereal into a bowl and not think twice. She would eat about a quarter of it and put the rest down the drain. We were going through so much food over their weekend visits that I could barely keep up financially when they would visit. I didn't care if they were hungry and eating, I cared about them wasting food because they wanted too. She was told what bowl was appropriate. If she finished a regular sized bowl first and found she was still hungry she could have a second. The bowl was left on the table at night. Still she helped herself to what she wanted. Food was never denied.

So she was warned that the next time she got up early and helped herself to a bowl of cereal, he would stick that bowl in the refridgerator and she would have to eat it for lunch, dinner and the following breakfast if it took that long. She tried one time. DH followed through. By dinner she was angry and pissed off. Too bad, so sad. She never did it again. BUT, and here is the only catch, DH and I discussed this PRIOR to implementing it. We had a conversation with her. He was totally onboard. I was annoyed by her behavior and addressed it with him and not her. You need to speak to your DBF!!

 

[lovesmurfs]

My DBF's youngest daughter (turning 7 this month) is a picky eater. His older son (14) is also a picky eater - but there is a big difference. They both know the rules at my house: I am not a restaurant chef - I make one meal which I pick out and you should try to eat it. I don't make them clear their plates and I don't make anything I know they really don't like. However, if you don't like peas - eat around the peas.

So my DSS 14 is fine. He eats around everything I make that he's wary of (which I understand - I'm fairly picky myself) and has always been a good sport about trying things first before turning his nose up at it. I don't say anything when an hour after dinner he goes and fixes himself a bowl of cereal because he didn't eat enough. He's polite.

My DSD is driving me crazy. Last time we had her she went to the pantry and picked out what she wanted for dinner. I told her that her father was grilling hamburgers and I was cooking corn on the cob - so, no, I would not be giving her Coco Puffs for dinner. She then proceeded to throw a tantrum - because at her mother's house she gets whatever she wants for dinner (and it always seems to be chicken nuggets - the girl couldn't identify half of the vegetables on her plate at my house at 5 years old). Now these are not new rules - they have been in place the entire time I have known the child. But lately my DBF has stopped backing me up. When she literally spit on the food I handed her, I was the one who punished her - which I don't think is my place - because he has adopted the attitude that disciplining her is making his house not fun. He turned around and gave her a bowl of cereal to eat, which is what the girl wanted to begin with. After the tantrum I had talked to her about how we are a family and not every night is going to be her favorite food night because that is simply not fair to everyone else. But it didn't improve her attitude one bit and I feel like I'm fighting an up hill battle.

Well, since the last visit, two weeks ago, my son (3) has decided to emulate his older sister's behavior and has been turning his nose up at everything - even his favorite foods. I have never had a problem with his eating before, and I know he is doing it because she set the example, not because his tastebuds suddenly changed. So, with her weekend visit coming up I'm thinking of giving up and simply giving her cereal for every meal. Period. Including if she thinks she can bear to stomach what we're cooking. I don't want drama at the dinner table and I definitely don't want her bad habits spreading. I'm thinking that if she is stuck eating cereal for two days straight she might rethink her latest stunts when it comes to mealtime. Does this make me the worst step-parent ever? Has anyone else fought these battles and won and would like to share some secrets?

This isn't about food, it's about power. And yes, she's 7, but she's getting the power. DBF needs to step up and be a father. Fatherhood is not all about "fun." His DD needs him to set boundaries, or she'll make them for him, and he'll end up with a 16 year old that's out of control, when it's too late to set the boundaries.

Maybe she can have the "illusion" of being in control. Could you sit down with her and menu plan together? Tell her that a healthy meal is a meat, vegetables, starch (or whatever you consider a meal), and work within those parameters?

 

[cheermom1]

I agree with the others, let DBF handle it. And you two need to sit down and decide what rules there are at your house and how HE will handle the discipline.

As a stepmom, I know how hard it is to 'want' to parent, but you can't. It took a lot of resentment and a lot of willpower but trust me, you will feel better in the end if you let it go. Her dad needs to understand it is HIS job as the parent/male role model in the house to set the tone and STICK to it. He has to show his dd that respect he gives to you, she must also give to your home and rules. And honestly, I would teach your sdd how to make her own cereal if that is what she wants. Don't prepare anything special for her, just teach her how to do it and then let her know this is dinner.

As for your 3 yo, at this age they do become a bit more picky..all my children went through the stage. Its most important that you stick to the rule of trying whats on your plate and then letting the argument go.

As another suggested, let your dh do it all. I learned over the years, when something was causing a hassle for me and causing tension in the house sometimes my dh didn't see it because he was at work or whatever. So, I left him holding the bag on more than once occassion. He is one of those people that had to do it to see where I was coming from. One sdd had a habit of wearing certain clothes to school that weren't in dress code. I brought her new clothes once, told dad and he couldn't see the big deal. The next time she walked out the door with questionable attire, when the phone rang I gave them his phone number. Not only did he get the leaving work, stopping your day for something that could have been avoided, but sdd got mismatched clothes from a bedroom that was a mess. After school I came home to a clean room and a sdd who forevermore asked what I thought about her attire before she left for school. The embarrassment of wearing what her father brought her was enough.

Kelly

That was funny and I have done that to my dh a few times. I did to bed time, I was always left to put them to bed and they would not listen or go to bed when they were told and it would take forever to get them to get ready for bed. Then they would run through the house and all kinds of things. To make a long story short b/c it was a nightmare, I went to bed early one night and left dh up with the kids on a night he didn't have to work the next day. End result was he didn't get to bed till around 1 am!!! He had to really get nasty with them and came to bed mad. Now bed time is much better b/c dh will make them go to bed before he does instead of thinking 12am is a good time which it is not.

This isn't about food, it's about power. And yes, she's 7, but she's getting the power. DBF needs to step up and be a father. Fatherhood is not all about "fun." His DD needs him to set boundaries, or she'll make them for him, and he'll end up with a 16 year old that's out of control, when it's too late to set the boundaries.

Maybe she can have the "illusion" of being in control. Could you sit down with her and menu plan together? Tell her that a healthy meal is a meat, vegetables, starch (or whatever you consider a meal), and work within those parameters?

I agree it is not about food but the control. It took my dh quite some time to figure out that his house can not be the 'fun' house. Op give it some time and continue to talk to your bf and if need be leave him holding the bg like a pp said. Believe it or not that is how my dh learned and most men have to learn the hard way.

I said earlier to let her have a peanut butter sandwich every time she doesn;t want to eat any of the meal you make. We do this a lot with the kids and a lot of the times they start to eat what you have b/c they get tired of feeling left out. Even though that was not the intention but it is a result. My ss hate spaghetti but the rest of the family loves it, I don;t make it that much b/c of that but I do make it when the others request it and ss just makes himself something else, I do allow him to make what he wants when we have that b/c he truly doesn't like it but he now understands that the others should be allowed to have something they like. So the power struggle with food is not there. I hope you see what I'm saying.

Once I backed off and let my dh handle his kids the happier we were. If there is something I couldn't handle while he was at work I left for him when he got home. Now that we have been together for almost 7 years the boys mainly listen to me b/c they know that dad is not going to side with just them anymore. This is what it boils down to but like I said your bf has to take the control not you first so this can work.

ETA: don't let her chose what she will have to eat but rather two choices what you make or the peanut butter sandwich. That way it is her choice if she thinks what you are making is not as good as the sandwich and make it always the sandwich and the other choice. No chips or anything to go with it either. I remember when I was a kid, I hate tea and water but my grandma always had tea for dinner and I was given a choice of tea or water I always chose water. My point is that way you will know for sure which foods she really hate this way.

 

[Liberty Belle]

My son, 7, is an extremely picky eater. He has Sensory Integration Disorder and that plays a huge role in his discerning palate.

We have never forced him to try anything. We certainly have asked him and tried to talk him into it, but never, "Try this or you get nothing."

I stock the foods he likes and he usually gets those for his meals. If I don't have anything he likes, he can have cereal. If I don't have that, he can either try what we have or find some sort of snack food to have (usually he'll go for popcorn, but that doesn't happen very often).

Lately he's been asking to try what we have (usually the meat portion). He's decided he likes steak! Woo hoo! He didn't like porkchops and couldn't even manage to put spaghetti in his mouth, but he has been asking to try and that's big here!

Oh, yesterday he tried a raspberry! He even swallowed it, but didn't like it.

 

[FireDancer]

I think this thread will answer all of you questions

 

[clutter]

My son, 7, is an extremely picky eater. He has Sensory Integration Disorder and that plays a huge role in his discerning palate.


Lately he's been asking to try what we have (usually the meat portion). He's decided he likes steak! Woo hoo!

I have a dd that's the same, but I don't think that is what the OP is dealing with here. (As an aside, steak at 7 was her first new food, and she's now a very varied eater, so you're on a good stretch.) However, it could be that rather than her mom having poor parenting skills, perhaps her mom has picked her battles and food isn't one of them.

But a few suggestions.

First to DBF, well it's great that he wants to be 'fun', but the rest of you all are not on vacation. He needs to be consistent across the family.

Next, you mention that you are fairly picky as well. You didn't say, but I hope you are considering everyone's tastes when you plan meals. Hopefully there is enough common ground that you can make meals that everyone will eat (unless they're being a stubborn 7 year old).

And back to DBF. Make him responsible for feeding his dd. Have him tell his dd what dinner will be and ask if she's eating so you know how much to prepare. If not, he can figure out what and how to feed her. Let him. After a while of doing this, he'll probably opt to do some of the suggestions here. But he probably needs to experience some pain first. You specifically say 'your house, your rules.' Well, isn't it dbf's home, too? Seems that you need to decide between the two of you what the rules are, and if he wants them to be different, then he will need to work with you to make the change.

As for your 3 year old, my dd was one of the kids that was born refusing to eat, so I've certainly had my struggles. I had friends that bragged about how well their kids ate (so they must have done something right and I did something wrong, ya know?). Well karma is a good friend, and many of those kids eventually turned picky. Usually around 3 years old. So yes, he could be mimicking your dsd, or it simply could be developmental. Or a combination of the two.

Good luck.

 

[SpecialK]

Stay out of it and let your boyfriend handle it.

 

[jodifla]

When I read the "poor me" step-parenting threads, I'm struck by the fact that these grown-ups don't acknowledge the obvious: That many of these kids are struggling with the fact that they now come from broken families. They don't want to be shuttled between mom and dad, dealing with different rules in different houses, and dealing with some adult put into their lives who they are now supposed to consider a "mom" or a "dad." They are angry, depressed, want their old lives back, and are striking back in the ways they know how.

 

[cheermom1]

When I read the "poor me" step-parenting threads, I'm struck by the fact that these grown-ups don't acknowledge the obvious: That many of these kids are struggling with the fact that they now come from broken families. They don't want to be shuttled between mom and dad, dealing with different rules in different houses, and dealing with some adult put into their lives who they are now supposed to consider a "mom" or a "dad." They are angry, depressed, want their old lives back, and are striking back in the ways they know how.

That is true but at the same time you also need to acknowledge that there is more than one set of kids as well. Either from the woman that has kids with someone else or that they have kids withe the new spouse. I know that in situation I had 2 kids and he had 3 kids going into our marriage and all I ever heard was 'poor step kids' NO ONE ever said 'poor my kids' not once!!! My kids are from a broken home just as much as my step kids are. I do believe it should equal all the way, same rules apply to all kids and not to just one set. If you don;t you WILL have resent. I never got the chance to get close to my step kids b/c of their mom and they are afraid to like me let alone love me b/c of her. As a result there are things here that are very strained and stressed. Not the kids fault but it is still there and nothing can be done.

I just think that if you are going to go where you went you need to include all the kids. I know that for me I am the only one that puts my kids first b/c dh will always put his kids first. I kids dad is not in the picture and never has been. I was IT for them.

At the same time we need to remember that not all situations is the same and not all adults put their kids first. With my step kids mom she puts them in the middle which is why I had to step and was never able to get close to them. My point is that if it looks like it is not fair on the surface it may not always be the way it appears and what works for one family doesn;t always work for another.

ETA: I also think the benefit of the doubt should go to the step mom till we now for sure she is in the wrong b/c as I said before it may not be as it appears.

 

[jodifla]

That is true but at the same time you also need to acknowledge that there is more than one set of kids as well. Either from the woman that has kids with someone else or that they have kids withe the new spouse. I know that in situation I had 2 kids and he had 3 kids going into our marriage and all I ever heard was 'poor step kids' NO ONE ever said 'poor my kids' not once!!! My kids are from a broken home just as much as my step kids are. I do believe it should equal all the way, same rules apply to all kids and not to just one set. If you don;t you WILL have resent. I never got the chance to get close to my step kids b/c of their mom and they are afraid to like me let alone love me b/c of her. As a result there are things here that are very strained and stressed. Not the kids fault but it is still there and nothing can be done.

I just think that if you are going to go where you went you need to include all the kids. I know that for me I am the only one that puts my kids first b/c dh will always put his kids first. I kids dad is not in the picture and never has been. I was IT for them.

At the same time we need to remember that not all situations is the same and not all adults put their kids first. With my step kids mom she puts them in the middle which is why I had to step and was never able to get close to them. My point is that if it looks like it is not fair on the surface it may not always be the way it appears and what works for one family doesn;t always work for another.

ETA: I also think the benefit of the doubt should go to the step mom till we now for sure she is in the wrong b/c as I said before it may not be as it appears.

I absolutely agree it's all the kids who are affected and who suffer.

And in this case, she's not even the step mom, she's a GIRLFRIEND. Now the times are different, but I'd be pretty appalled if my dad's "girlfriend" were trying to step in and be a parent. Blech!!!!

 

[cheermom1]

I absolutely agree it's all the kids who are affected and who suffer.

And in this case, she's not even the step mom, she's a GIRLFRIEND. Now the times are different, but I'd be pretty appalled if my dad's "girlfriend" were trying to step in and be a parent. Blech!!!!

I do have to agree with that which is why I told her to let her bf deal with it and her to step. When dh and I was dating I didn't say much at all and him be the dad. I told him several times they have a mom and dad and I'm not it! When the kids tell me you are not my mom and I don't have to listen, I told them "your right I'm not your mom and her name is ____, but this is my house too and your dad is not here right now and this is the rule so you have to obey the rule." and left it at that till their dad got home. However the rules were made very clear to them before hand, That is something she should do now. Talk to her bf and they need to agree to the rules and he needs to tell his kids these are the rules for my house and this is what is going to happen if you break said rules.

 

[southernbohemian]

OP Here. Thanks for all of the advice/criticism. I posted to get some feedback because DBF was about the whole cereal idea. Some remarks:

Yes, I am his girlfriend. Because I want to be. Not because of committment issues. In fact, I was the one who never wanted to get married. I don't need a piece of paper and I've never wanted a wedding. I believe marriage is a state of mind - you wake up every day and choose to be with someone and no piece of paper or ceremony is going to make you love them a second longer than you do. We have been together for 5 years and are going strong. We chose to have a life and a family together and there are few things that would change if we "made it legal" - mostly paperwork. (I am kind of surprised by the amount of people who told me to reconsider my relationship with a man based on one incident - no wonder so many people are divorced.) I have been in the kids life for 5 years, so I'm not sure if DSD 7 even remembers a time when dad's house didn't include me.

DBF is not perfect and we are not always on the same page. He is a good disciplinarian when it is our son, but I think he feels like he has to make it up to the other kids that he does not see them daily - thus the "fun" dad. He treats his youngest daughter especially different and we have had lots of discussions about spoiling her. For example, she had a dance recital that he was scheduled to work during. He tried his best to get someone to cover for him and could not. He was really torn up about missing it - despite the fact that when he originally told her that he was scheduled to work and would miss it, it barely phased the girl. I understood that he wanted to go, however, I didn't understand why this even was tearing him up when his older two kids have had him miss TONS of events because he works at night when most of their stuff is and cannot miss that much work. He has never gotten that choked up over missing one of their things, and their stuff was just as important. I didn't tell him how he should feel or to devalue his daughter's feelings, but I did point out to him that I thought he was treating her differently than the other children. They are all special. They are all beautiful. Treat them all with the same. I try (as the non-parent) to give him my take on things because that is my job as his partner. My younger sister was everyone's princess too and she grew up to treat everyone in her family terribly. I don't want to see this happen to my DSD or my family.

I don't think I am "better" than her mom - I don't think that I am her mother. I have a lot of respect for her mother. I don't agree with her about the food because I don't think it is healthy for a child not to know what a vegetable is. We've had discussions between us about her diet (and have even tried recipes out of Jessica Seinfeld's book), and I come away feeling like she has just given up. For her it probably was too much to come home from working all day and then have to have an uproar over dinner. Luckily she and I have a fairly good relationship. She knows that if I waited for DBF to do everything for their daughter, the girl would come home from a weekend without having a bath and mismatched clothes. I understand that she has different rules at both houses, and I am very lenient about that - my son doesn't get reminded three times to not jump on the furniture. She does, even though I'm pretty sure she's not allowed to jump on the furniture at her house either. I deserve respect and that was what I was asking of her. I was hurt that DBF didn't understand that at the time - he thinks she is too young to do something to purposefully hurt someone else. I saw it as a malicious act to spit on food that someone prepared for you (and in this case, her dad had grilled the hamburgers). I do try and fix things that the kids will eat and enjoy - but I feel this is a control/discipline issue and not a palate issue. Once I explained what had happened, he backed me up - but by then he had already replaced the food she didn't want to eat with the bowl of cereal that she did want to eat.

I didn't mean to offend any two-person households with my "center of the universe" line. I understand a family can be just a mother and a daughter, etc. What I meant more was the different dynamic that comes to play when there are brothers and sisters. I know because 80% of the time my son is an only son and he is the center of our universe. I think he has learned a lot and grown as a person because of his relationship with his brother and sisters. I want to foster that process for all of the kids, which is why I put a lot of emphasis on things like family time and eating together, and in the end why I am having a lot of problems just letting this issue go.

I like the idea of making her fix a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if she opts out of dinner. That is a good suggestion. I don't mind that she is a picky eater really - as I stated DSS is a picky eater as well and I don't mind. I grew up in a house where we had to clear our plates and there was many a night where I could not do it because I simply could not stomach it. I just want to get her from being a rude picky eater to being a polite one, I guess.

 

[cheermom1]

OP Here. Thanks for all of the advice/criticism. I posted to get some feedback because DBF was about the whole cereal idea. Some remarks:

Yes, I am his girlfriend. Because I want to be. Not because of committment issues. In fact, I was the one who never wanted to get married. I don't need a piece of paper and I've never wanted a wedding. I believe marriage is a state of mind - you wake up every day and choose to be with someone and no piece of paper or ceremony is going to make you love them a second longer than you do. We have been together for 5 years and are going strong. We chose to have a life and a family together and there are few things that would change if we "made it legal" - mostly paperwork. (I am kind of surprised by the amount of people who told me to reconsider my relationship with a man based on one incident - no wonder so many people are divorced.) I have been in the kids life for 5 years, so I'm not sure if DSD 7 even remembers a time when dad's house didn't include me.

DBF is not perfect and we are not always on the same page. He is a good disciplinarian when it is our son, but I think he feels like he has to make it up to the other kids that he does not see them daily - thus the "fun" dad. He treats his youngest daughter especially different and we have had lots of discussions about spoiling her. For example, she had a dance recital that he was scheduled to work during. He tried his best to get someone to cover for him and could not. He was really torn up about missing it - despite the fact that when he originally told her that he was scheduled to work and would miss it, it barely phased the girl. I understood that he wanted to go, however, I didn't understand why this even was tearing him up when his older two kids have had him miss TONS of events because he works at night when most of their stuff is and cannot miss that much work. He has never gotten that choked up over missing one of their things, and their stuff was just as important. I didn't tell him how he should feel or to devalue his daughter's feelings, but I did point out to him that I thought he was treating her differently than the other children. They are all special. They are all beautiful. Treat them all with the same. I try (as the non-parent) to give him my take on things because that is my job as his partner. My younger sister was everyone's princess too and she grew up to treat everyone in her family terribly. I don't want to see this happen to my DSD or my family.

I don't think I am "better" than her mom - I don't think that I am her mother. I have a lot of respect for her mother. I don't agree with her about the food because I don't think it is healthy for a child not to know what a vegetable is. We've had discussions between us about her diet (and have even tried recipes out of Jessica Seinfeld's book), and I come away feeling like she has just given up. For her it probably was too much to come home from working all day and then have to have an uproar over dinner. Luckily she and I have a fairly good relationship. She knows that if I waited for DBF to do everything for their daughter, the girl would come home from a weekend without having a bath and mismatched clothes. I understand that she has different rules at both houses, and I am very lenient about that - my son doesn't get reminded three times to not jump on the furniture. She does, even though I'm pretty sure she's not allowed to jump on the furniture at her house either. I deserve respect and that was what I was asking of her. I was hurt that DBF didn't understand that at the time - he thinks she is too young to do something to purposefully hurt someone else. I saw it as a malicious act to spit on food that someone prepared for you (and in this case, her dad had grilled the hamburgers). I do try and fix things that the kids will eat and enjoy - but I feel this is a control/discipline issue and not a palate issue. Once I explained what had happened, he backed me up - but by then he had already replaced the food she didn't want to eat with the bowl of cereal that she did want to eat.

I didn't mean to offend any two-person households with my "center of the universe" line. I understand a family can be just a mother and a daughter, etc. What I meant more was the different dynamic that comes to play when there are brothers and sisters. I know because 80% of the time my son is an only son and he is the center of our universe. I think he has learned a lot and grown as a person because of his relationship with his brother and sisters. I want to foster that process for all of the kids, which is why I put a lot of emphasis on things like family time and eating together, and in the end why I am having a lot of problems just letting this issue go.

I like the idea of making her fix a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if she opts out of dinner. That is a good suggestion. I don't mind that she is a picky eater really - as I stated DSS is a picky eater as well and I don't mind. I grew up in a house where we had to clear our plates and there was many a night where I could not do it because I simply could not stomach it. I just want to get her from being a rude picky eater to being a polite one, I guess.

I understand everything you are saying. I went through a lot of the same things as you are with my ss's. I can tell you the thing that helped the most was to make my dh take care of his kids for a while. It doesn;t have to be a permanent thing but long enough for him to understand where you are coming from. The peanut butter sandwich like I said came from a child therapist and to ONLY offer the sandwich nothing else to be offered when whey don;t want to eat what you are eating. I have learned by doing this the things all my kids (steps and my own) like and really don;t like. I hope this makes sense as what it does is to force the kid to only have one thing to eat and find it boring and want to try other things and if they happily choose the sandwich over the same thing over and over than you know they don;t like it. know what I mean? good luck