Picky Eaters - Should I Just Give Up?

[southernbohemian]

My DBF's youngest daughter (turning 7 this month) is a picky eater. His older son (14) is also a picky eater - but there is a big difference. They both know the rules at my house: I am not a restaurant chef - I make one meal which I pick out and you should try to eat it. I don't make them clear their plates and I don't make anything I know they really don't like. However, if you don't like peas - eat around the peas.

So my DSS 14 is fine. He eats around everything I make that he's wary of (which I understand - I'm fairly picky myself) and has always been a good sport about trying things first before turning his nose up at it. I don't say anything when an hour after dinner he goes and fixes himself a bowl of cereal because he didn't eat enough. He's polite.

My DSD is driving me crazy. Last time we had her she went to the pantry and picked out what she wanted for dinner. I told her that her father was grilling hamburgers and I was cooking corn on the cob - so, no, I would not be giving her Coco Puffs for dinner. She then proceeded to throw a tantrum - because at her mother's house she gets whatever she wants for dinner (and it always seems to be chicken nuggets - the girl couldn't identify half of the vegetables on her plate at my house at 5 years old). Now these are not new rules - they have been in place the entire time I have known the child. But lately my DBF has stopped backing me up. When she literally spit on the food I handed her, I was the one who punished her - which I don't think is my place - because he has adopted the attitude that disciplining her is making his house not fun. He turned around and gave her a bowl of cereal to eat, which is what the girl wanted to begin with. After the tantrum I had talked to her about how we are a family and not every night is going to be her favorite food night because that is simply not fair to everyone else. But it didn't improve her attitude one bit and I feel like I'm fighting an up hill battle.

Well, since the last visit, two weeks ago, my son (3) has decided to emulate his older sister's behavior and has been turning his nose up at everything - even his favorite foods. I have never had a problem with his eating before, and I know he is doing it because she set the example, not because his tastebuds suddenly changed. So, with her weekend visit coming up I'm thinking of giving up and simply giving her cereal for every meal. Period. Including if she thinks she can bear to stomach what we're cooking. I don't want drama at the dinner table and I definitely don't want her bad habits spreading. I'm thinking that if she is stuck eating cereal for two days straight she might rethink her latest stunts when it comes to mealtime. Does this make me the worst step-parent ever? Has anyone else fought these battles and won and would like to share some secrets?

 

[si-am]

I don't think you can win this battle without your boyfriend's support, unfortunately. I don't know that I'd put up with a man letting his daughter spit on something though. He needs to back you up on that or he is showing just as much disrespect to you as she is.

 

[cheermom1]

Have your bf be the one to make her dinner! That is how I got the point across to my dh. He got tired of making several meals for each kid for every meal plus the money was adding up very fast of how much it cost top make that many meals! Now he is on board with what ever I make for dinner is what is for dinner! We also have one last ditch effort for peace and that is if the kid just will not eat anything I make than they can have a peanut butter sandwich that they make themselves and yes at 7 they can make it themselves!

 

[Sorsha]

Have you ever read the book "Bread and Jam for Frances"?. It is a children's book by Russell and Lillian Hoban about a very picky raccoon who decides that all she likes to eat is bread and jam. So her parents start doing just that. Every meal, no matter what else everyone is having she gets... a plate of bread and jam. The table is set beautifully, everyone else has spaghetti and meatballs and garlic bread, she has... a plate of bread and jam. It is breakfast time, everyone has scrambled eggs and toast and fruit, she has... a plate of bread and jam. She gets very tired of it very quickly.

That is what I would do. Every meal, everyone else would sit down to their yummy dinner and she would find herself with the same old bowl of cereal. If she were hungry, and wanted a snack, she would be offered... the bowl of cereal. I don't think it would take very long before she were will to admit that she might like to try what everyone else is having.

 

[mamacatnv]

I don't think you can win this battle without your boyfriend's support, unfortunately. I don't know that I'd put up with a man letting his daughter spit on something though. He needs to back you up on that or he is showing just as much disrespect to you as she is.

This - I'm sorry that sucks, I wouldn't feed her, let him do it.
Stand your ground with your son regardless

 

[bumbershoot]

My stepmother NEVER got involved in the food battles that went on between my dad and my brother. And thank goodness, they (the battles) made the rest of us miserable enough as it was! Dad finally gave up with my brother, though he kept trying with his second family.

My brother now eats all sorts of foods (except those that he is allergic to, and he has ALWAYS avoided those foods like the plague, he simply Would Not Eat Them, but those were separate from his other pickiness stuff). My half-siblings? Not so much.

So, food battles didn't do much for my siblings!


And stepmom was never ever involved.

 

[Christine]

If your DBF's only concern is to make his house "fun" then give up, buy a few boxes of Cocoa Puffs and relax. Your DBF doesn't want to be a parent and, in the interest of self-preservation, I wouldn't try to outparent him. I agree with your approach but if he, the father, will not enforce or back up appropriate rules, then just let it go.
The real issue, though, is your 3 year old. Just not sure what to say about that. Maybe tell the daughter that if she is not eating the general meal with you, she can have her cereal about 30 minutes before the regular meal (out of sight of the 3 year old) and not join you at the dinner table. But that might make your house unfun.

 

[Cooky]

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[The Mystery Machine]

I would have him feed her. Frankly you cannot battle this out with your BF over his dd. Just let her eat cereal.

Don't include the 3yod in the battle. If he starts emulating, you can put the stop on that.

 

[Jennasis]

I agree with the masses. Drop the battle and make your DBF cook for his kids from now on. Handle your own son however you like, but REFUSE to engage in disciplining the step-kids.

 

[southernbohemian]

I don't think you can win this battle without your boyfriend's support, unfortunately. I don't know that I'd put up with a man letting his daughter spit on something though. He needs to back you up on that or he is showing just as much disrespect to you as she is.

That's how I felt exactly. In theory and after the fact he is always "on my side" but when something is going on, he always goes to her defense. He still thinks of her as his baby and told me that "she didn't do it on purpose" and that is why he didn't punish her. Of course, he missed most of the exchange - but I feel like he should back me up especially then because he wasn't a witness. I see her as a 7-year-old who is quickly becoming unmanageable at our house. I think a lot of it is done because it gets her attention, which she wants even if it is negative. Every time he has her he makes a point of spending some time alone with her - taking her to the park or ice cream - so it is not like her time with us is all family time and not any daddy/daughter time. However, I think it is also important for her (since most of her life is spent with her and her mom only) to be part of the family and experience not being the center of the universe.

So I try to treat her as part of the family, not simply my BF's daughter. But that also means being part of my household and under my rules. Especially since her younger brother picks up anything she does. If he (at 3) throws a tantrum - he goes to time out - because he knows he is old enough to use his words. So she is sent to time out for having a tantrum as well. I try to stay out of the discipline department as much as possible, but it's not always practical to go find DBF to ask him to tell her to not jump on the furniture for the third time. I see it like having rules at school that she has to follow - her teacher and I have the right to punish her for misbehavior despite the fact that we are not related to her. (Punishments here are time outs and skipped desserts - not beating a child or anything like that.)

 

[southernbohemian]

Have you ever read the book "Bread and Jam for Frances"?. It is a children's book by Russell and Lillian Hoban about a very picky raccoon who decides that all she likes to eat is bread and jam. So her parents start doing just that. Every meal, no matter what else everyone is having she gets... a plate of bread and jam. The table is set beautifully, everyone else has spaghetti and meatballs and garlic bread, she has... a plate of bread and jam. It is breakfast time, everyone has scrambled eggs and toast and fruit, she has... a plate of bread and jam. She gets very tired of it very quickly.

That is what I would do. Every meal, everyone else would sit down to their yummy dinner and she would find herself with the same old bowl of cereal. If she were hungry, and wanted a snack, she would be offered... the bowl of cereal. I don't think it would take very long before she were will to admit that she might like to try what everyone else is having.

I haven't read the book, but that was where I was going with the nothing but cereal diet.

After "the incident" last time, I did tell him I would no longer cook for her and he was responsible for feeding her. But that really came off as a treat for her and a punishment for my son. DS had to eat what we were eating - she got fun processed food. That's why I thought of the cereal thing.

 

[cheermom1]

That's how I felt exactly. In theory and after the fact he is always "on my side" but when something is going on, he always goes to her defense. He still thinks of her as his baby and told me that "she didn't do it on purpose" and that is why he didn't punish her. Of course, he missed most of the exchange - but I feel like he should back me up especially then because he wasn't a witness. I see her as a 7-year-old who is quickly becoming unmanageable at our house. I think a lot of it is done because it gets her attention, which she wants even if it is negative. Every time he has her he makes a point of spending some time alone with her - taking her to the park or ice cream - so it is not like her time with us is all family time and not any daddy/daughter time. However, I think it is also important for her (since most of her life is spent with her and her mom only) to be part of the family and experience not being the center of the universe.

So I try to treat her as part of the family, not simply my BF's daughter. But that also means being part of my household and under my rules. Especially since her younger brother picks up anything she does. If he (at 3) throws a tantrum - he goes to time out - because he knows he is old enough to use his words. So she is sent to time out for having a tantrum as well. I try to stay out of the discipline department as much as possible, but it's not always practical to go find DBF to ask him to tell her to not jump on the furniture for the third time. I see it like having rules at school that she has to follow - her teacher and I have the right to punish her for misbehavior despite the fact that we are not related to her. (Punishments here are time outs and skipped desserts - not beating a child or anything like that.)

AND this is why a lot of people don't want the step mom to treat step kids as their own. I know that everyone says they should but in reality if we did we would be the evil step mom for life! trust I know this first hand. If I treated my step son the same as my own I would expect much higher expectations from them and to push them to be all they could be. I am way harder on my own kids and I tend to leave everything to my dh which really only wants to be the fun parent and I am left on the side lines feeling so sad for the kids.

op just do your best to make peace at your home and have a sit down with your dh and come up with something that will work for both of you like maybe the peanut butter sandwich, which by the way was an idea that came from a child's therapist that is also a step mom. good luck

 

[camlace]

I have a huge problem with everyone suggesting the OP should basically push everything off to her DBF. She is still a adult-figure in this child's life that should be given the same respect any parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, etc should be given. It is her house as well...and if the house rule is everyone must try what is on their plate, then that is the rule, whether it be your own child, a stepchild, whatever. I do agree though, Dad needs to step up and make it clear it is his rules as well, even if it makes his house "not-fun"...oh well life isn't always fun.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

3-year-olds tastes change... I know my sister is going through that now with my niece. So I don't think it's that weird that your 3YO is turning his nose up at things he used to like.

And I don't see why your 7YO can't just have the cereal originally if the 14YO can get it for himself after he's tried whatever you make. Cereal isn't the worst thing in the world... eventually she will eat something else. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is about "at least try it". I can tell by the way something looks or the way something smells that I'm not going to like it... sometimes I'll think I'll like something and I don't, but I can't remember the last time I thought I would dislike something and actually liked it.

 

[PattnFmly]

Can't really comment on the step-parent part, but as for the food... my two DS's 11 and 9 are not allowed to eat a different meal than the family. We make one meal and one meal only. BUT, that being said, I don't force them to eat the part they don't like. For example DS11 hates pork chops, so when we have them, I make his favorite veggie and potato. Many's the meal he had just veggies. Same goes for scallops. DS11 loves them, DS9 hates them. I let DS9 pick the sides that night. After a few meals like this (well, maybe 11 or 12 !!!) usually the DS who hasn't liked the meal will decide to try it. Sometimes they like it and add it to their repetoire, sometimes not. But it saves the family from dinner drama!!

 

[C.Ann]

Sorry.. I can't get past the part where she spit on the food and her dad didn't even reprimand her for it..

Good luck!

 

[ilovejack02]

Married 14 yrs with hubby total of 16 years. My DSD is 21 now.

I can not stress this enough .....

This is your DBF's place to handle his DD , it is not your job. If she doesn't want to eat your food, I wouldn't make anything else , but it is not your job to punish her especially when you aren't even married.

If the both of you can't get on board with the same rules etc.. think about spending the rest of your life with a man that won't back you up .. what is it going to be like with a teenage girl who isn't disciplined.

Sorry to be so blunt just brings back memories and not good ones.

 

[PatsGirl]

Sorry.. I can't get past the part where she spit on the food and her dad didn't even reprimand her for it..

Me either

 

[NMAmy]

However, I think it is also important for her (since most of her life is spent with her and her mom only) to be part of the family and experience not being the center of the universe.

This really gets under my skin--probably because I have a dd who is an only child and I was divorced. Two people DO make a family and she is not necessarily the center of the universe at her mom's house. It's obvious from the comments about vegetables and what you believe her mom allows her to do that you're out to prove that your way of raising children is "better." Let your boyfriend handle the discipline of his own kids. She's 7 and it's hard for a kid to adjust to her parent living with someone else.

As a stepmom myself and as a mom with a kid who had a stepmom, I always have to wonder when reading these threads on the DIS. Am I the only stepparent who feels that my stepchild's mom did a good job raising her? I didn't really feel the need to fix her in any way or save her from her mother's poor parenting skills.

I know dd's stepmother did have issues with some of the ways I raised my child and now that dd's grown up and the stepmother is going through issues with her own teenage girls, it just makes me want to laugh. It's not always as easy as you might think.